Matt Stooks

Remember when Slater’s chameleon died?

Jessie led the procession with a moving rendition of “Oh, Artie Boy.” Take a listen.

“Singer Ricky Martin is on an urgent mission. Our cameras follow him inside the tsunami zone.”

-from an Oprah promo

Oprah, how desperate are you?

Ricky Martin?

This isn’t July 9, 1999, when Ricky and J.Lo were tearing it up before showing up on your show.

“The tsunami zone?”

Great word choice Oprah.

Can more people please exploit the tsunami? Celebrities aren’t helping tsunami victims because they felt a calling from God to do it. They’re doing it because their singing/acting/decorating career is trash, and they want us to buy their garbage because they helped with the devastating tsunami.

Let’s help people who encounter disaster get back on their feet, without helping celebrities get back on theirs. If you decide to donate because “Oh, that Ricky Martin was on Oprah, and it was so touching to see someone like that step away from Hollywood and…,” then you need to evaluate your giving nature.

At least Martha Stewart is stuck in prison. I don’t want to know what kind of bad special she has in mind.

This show just doesn’t have it anymore.

And it’s hurting its place in history.

The writing is too formulaic: Lisa becomes an activist for some new cause, Marge is upset at Homer, Bart is clashing with Skinner, Homer is making weird noises. Wow, sounds like the characters are all based on Jessie, Kelly, Zach and Screech.

The guest stars on this show are repulsive. The Simpsons writers rely way too much on current pop culture trends, and you can tell it’s forced. Once one of the writers gets good, you can count on NBC to lure them away for more money to do a project with Michael Gross.

It just doesn’t have the edge it used to, and the syndicated reruns are getting watered down with the new, terrible episodes. Please, stop watching this show. Make Fox cancel it. We’ll have Family Guy to replace it soon.

I’m not a big pet guy. But I know cats are ten times better than dogs.

A dog immediately goes for the signature nose-in-the-crotch move. They’re intrusive and obnoxious. They follow orders, do stupid tricks and attack people for no apparent reason. They crap on the carpet.

Cats are more like us. They don’t listen. They do their own thing, usually in a designated box in the house. They just chill out and take in their surroundings.

If a cat gets on your lap, consider yourself fortunate. Unlike dogs, they’re more discerning on who gets their attention.

Dogs like anybody. You have to earn a cat’s respect. Welcome to reality.

Have you seen Jared lately? He was on the NFL Today on CBS this past weekend, and looks like he’s traded in the Chicken Teriyaki Sub Diet for the Footlong Meatball in Every Orifice Diet.

Enjoy the free-subs-for-life while they last Jare-bear, I smell a coronary coming soon.

You know how investigative shows will mask someone’s voice and put them in shadow lighting to hide their identity? Well what kind of vocal mask would they give someone who naturally talked like this?

It reminded me of a segment we did on the show (3:29 mp3 audio).

Ever need inspiration to bake a cake? Listen to Mrs. Cummings from Saved by the Bell.

And why did Slater ever give up the chase for Kelly and settle on Jessie?

Anyone else sick of hearing this question yet?

“But they have to ask it, because if they choose credit when you have a debit card it shows up differently and…” bologna. That word doesn’t come out very well in print. Baloney. There, that’s better.

Debit cards are for preschoolers.

“I can’t be responsible enough to pay a bill each month, this way it deducts from my checking account.”

Either way, I understand why people have debit cards. They are easier, especially for people with no self control. And I definitely don’t want more people writing checks, or cheques as snobby bank people would write it.

But do retailers and McDonald’s really need to ask you that every time you use a card?

Look at the card. It’s pretty easy to figure out. Or just scan the thing and let whatever happens, happen.

You want to know what I’m going to say to the next person who asks me “credit or debit?”

“Credit.”

Thank god, now I can sleep.

When will fuchsia make the list?

I think this will be the year that we get sick of this show. There are too many other good shows on now. Lost and Desperate Housewives have saved us from more reality garbage.

And who exactly does the hiring of executives at Fox? For some reason they are putting Wednesday’s AI head-to-head with Lost. Must be the same people who gave Tony Danza a talk show.

American Idol is an entertaining show to watch. But we are going to need a lot of Red Headed John’s to keep the show from losing a huge chunk of its audience.

Nothing beats the classic Red Headed John squeel on Crocodile Rock. I think he scared Elton John straight.

PBS still replays “The Joy of Painting.”

He does a complete painting in less than 30 minutes.

Okay, I’m sure there are a lot of people who can do that. But he narrates every bit of it. And he weaves in his own little motivational speeches, which are the true brilliance of the show.

I watch the show, and honestly believe I could go paint a brilliant picture.

That isn’t true.

And anyone who thinks Bob Ross is teaching people about painting just doesn’t get it. If it were about the painting, there would be some other schmuck in there trying to get you to paint. PBS wouldn’t replay the show.

The show is about hope for the future and love of nature. Or you can simply take a nap to the gentle tap of the brush and one of the most legendary voices on TV.

We need more Bob Ross’s on TV, and less Tony Danzas.

Yes, I know Bob Ross is dead.

Believe it or not, most people can’t live the same on Kansas Unemployment checks as they did when they had a job. One of the best ways to cut costs is to watch the food you eat. It’s not exactly an Atkins approved diet, but the Totino’s Party Pizza is easily the best way to cut costs.

What does it say when one of your city’s biggest issues is roundabouts?

Apparently, some people can’t figure out how to drive around a circle. They’re as clumsy as Zack Morris before he took dance lessons to be on “Dance Party,” starring Casey Kasem.

Yeah, roundabouts can be obnoxious and a little too European for my taste, but they aren’t exactly the most taxing event of my day.

But nothing’s that easy in Lawrence.

So, we’re faced with an amazing dilemma. Do you educate the public on how to use the roundabouts? Or do you limit the number of roundabouts in the city?

How about a sign that says “Enter at your own risk.”

Don’t ask ESPN The Magazine.

Is there anything worse than the magazine cover tease? All magazines should be required by law to put the page number next to an article tease on the front of the cover. But the magazine editor says “Stooks, you don’t understand. The cover work on all magazines requires more work and is printed before the rest of the magazine and…” Blah, blah, blah. That’s garbage.

I know I’m not the only person sick of flipping through a magazine trying to find an article that was teased on the magazine cover. I make a mental note and ban every product I see in my fruitless attempt to find the magazine cover tease article.

But, back to the issue. You’re intrigued. Who is the toughest crowd in college hoops? It has to be Allen Fieldhouse, home of the Jayhawks, right? Maybe Cameron Indoor? Unless you’re supposed to read one of the articles backward to find the answer, ESPN The Magazine has pulled the ultimate farce: there is no article on college crowds.

Don’t get me wrong, the magazine is never really good anyway. The Sports Guy is the only thing worth reading. The rest of the publication is a piece of trash. If I didn’t get the magazine subscription as a gift, I wouldn’t let it grace the back of my toilet. Speaking of which, I’m out of toilet paper…

I demanded a Nintendo 8-bit Entertainment System in the studio. That was the breaking point.

Okay, so it’s a little more complicated than that. Either way, take solace. The show will be back soon. Contact your local cable or satellite provider today!

If you need a quick fix, this little highlight reel should hold you over for a couple seconds (180 to be exact). In order to get a job in radio, you sometimes gotta show that you’ve got the goods. I know it’s hard to believe that not everyone in America is familiar with Matt Stooks, but it’s true. Look for some more classic Stooks clips soon.

By the way, does anyone know Tony Danza’s agent? If he can get Danza a show, I should be a shoe-in.