Prices are plunging! If you have cash and job security, you can pick up some cheap crap you and your loved ones don’t need this holiday season.
For the rest of us: Liquor prices have to come down soon, too.
USA! USA! USA!
Matt Stooks
That Not-So-Fresh Feeling Between Your Ears
How many phone books do you need?
For a three-bedroom, two-bath house, the answer is this many:
Why can’t I opt out of this waste? Shezzus.
Thank god for SPAM
If it weren’t for SPAM, I wouldn’t have logged into the site to delete a SPAM comment, and you wouldn’t have had a new blog post to read.
Aren’t you lucky?
Hello, telemarketer
I got a free landline and cable with my Internet from SureWest.
Today, I found a cordless phone in one of my boxes and decided to give the old landline a try. I enjoyed talking to my parents without worrying about frying my cell battery.
However, I got two telemarketer calls tonight. One was going to give me a free cruise, and the other was magazines. My thought upon the second call: “Maybe I need to go ahead and put this phone number on the No Call List.”
Then, I realized I need to interface this phone with the computer so I can mess with telemarketers’ heads and post the results here as MP3s. Plus, I don’t know my phone number.
Stay tuned.
Voting!
I voted today. Can you guess which municipality received my help? No fair guessing if I hung out with you immediately before or after voting. As an added bonus, we will see how few people still read this crappy blog.
USA! USA! USA!
Simple guide to choosing liquor
When looking for the perfect booze to enrich your night or morning, just follow my easy, one-step process. Look for the “Lightweight Plastic” seal of approval.
Honk for chaos and general disarray
On my drive home from work on Ward Parkway, several war protestors were stationed at the fountains roundabout.
Among their signs was one that read “Honk for Peace.”
I would say a bunch of cars honking during rush hour leads to the exact opposite of peace.
Clay Aiken for VP!!!
Do I really need to provide commentary?
Mints are good
Now that I have a job dealing with the general public, I realize the importance of breath mints to our society.
Seriously, it seems like some people eat butt at every meal.
Get off my ass, Facebook
Dear Facebook,
I don’t appreciate the ad you served up for me today.
Your “targeted advertising” needs to make the girls in the ad a little more slutty looking before I fall for this trick. Have you learned nothing from MySpace on how to net some morons?
Peace,
Stooks
Drill, baby, drill
Can you believe the crowd at the Republican National Convention taunted Sarah Palin’s pregnant teenage daughter with chants of “Drill, baby, drill” this week? What won’t the Republicans do?
A letter to God
Dear God,
Do you know how many times “God bless America” has been uttered this week? Yeah, lots. In prime time, too. And it’s always at the end of the speeches, when everyone is paying attention. And then we drop balloons or shoot off fireworks or some combination of the two.
According to my count, you’ve got lots of blessing to get to.
Thanks,
Matt
The Palin checklist
Alaskan for oil drilling: Check
Penchant for power abuse: Check
Unaborted Down Syndrome baby: Check
Pregnant teenage daughter with parental support: Check
Son in Iraq: Check
Sexy Librarian glasses: Check
Boobs: Check
Aggressive foreign policy rhetoric: Give us some time. We just found this woman last week.
Old Man McCain
I’m not worried he’ll die in office. His longevity concerns me, nonetheless. If he causes the world to explode, he really didn’t have much time left, anyway. It’s like letting a rapist go on a Girls Gone Wild photoshoot right before you castrate him. Sorry, that’s the first analogy that popped into my head.
Cell phones continue to ruin society
As I was leaving Wendy’s for lunch yesterday, a young woman was sitting, Indian style, just outside the door. She was on her cell having a loud, uncomfortable, bitch-out session with her boyfriend.
What the hell is wrong with people? And you just know her and the douche on the other end of the phone are going to have ten dumbass kids together.
The Olympics are on. Do something awful.
Like a child distracted by jingling car keys, we’re all too busy creaming ourselves over Phelps to see anything else.
John Edwards cheated on his cancer-stricken wife during the Presidential campaign she encouraged him to run, even though she was in awful shape.
Russia worked up a massive boner and has been waving it in Bush’s face with its invasion of U.S. ally Georgia.
At least the opening ceremonies freaked out a lot of people. You can pull off quite the scene when you force all your citizens to play their assigned role to perfection.
Tip for dog lovers
My roommates’ dog Berry likes to chew on anything (too much teeth, not good for recreational purposes). But Prewitt’s wifebeater has been available for chewing all week. The dog sniffs the shirt, gets Prewitt’s scent, and leaves it alone.
Moral of the story: If you don’t want your dog chewing on something, piss on it.
Troubling statistic
The Royals are 27-32 at home. After last night, they are 1-9 when I attend.
Home winning percentage: 46%
Me winning percentage: 10%
I must be emanating some awful aura that spreads through the stadium and affects this team.
Plants are overrated
A plant, whose existence would be meaningless, found meaning by messing up my existence. Feel free to chew on that hefty load of profound before reading on.
I’m pretty sure you could power cars with the crud that seeps from this crap. I know I won’t need to buy Pennzoil for awhile.
Screw waterboarding. If interrogators use poison ivy on terror suspects, you’d find Osama in seconds. Okay, not seconds, but seconds after symptoms heighten 2-4 days after contact. Do you think poison ivy grows in the Middle East? Sand dwellers would freak at the powers of this mystery plant. USA! Note to CIA: Why haven’t you hired me yet?
Something good will come of this. I will stop being a pissy little bitch about bug bites for maybe a whole week.
Dirty Band-Aid. Yum.
We went to Pittsburg, Kansas for a bachelor party last weekend. A treat was waiting on the hotel air conditioner upon our arrival.
To repay the favor, we took turns soiling a condom and then slapped it on the mirror for the next guests’ enjoyment.
With our boringness combined…
In a stunning turn of events, Sunday’s Meet The Press managed to put the most amount of boring on a television set in the history of the medium.
When’s Russert coming back from vacation to clean this place up?
Not as good as The Dark Knight
Remember how terrible Batman & Robin was? Thanks to Chris Casey for pointing out this nugget: “BATMAN AND ROBIN WORST MOVIE EVER.”
It’s missing from the montage, but my favorite line from that movie was when a police officer used his last breath to point out to the other cops that “Our lungs…(gasp)…are freezing!”
My 1998 Corolla
Dear everyone who feels the need to comment on my 1998 Corolla,
I’m aware of the problems with my car. A brake light is smashed, I have to roll down my window to open the door from the outside, the sideview mirror is cracked, the washer fluid pump is broken, the cabin noise is high.
However, I get 32 miles a gallon and the thing never breaks down. I’m driving this bitch into the ground whether you think my Corolla is the shiz or not. It gets me where I need to go. Oh, and girls slide out of their seats at the sight of me driving it.
Go wax your Hummer,
Matt
Left pinky to the rescue
For now on, I shall do any public restroom flushing or door opening with my left pinky. I use the left pinky less than any other digit, so it seems like a smart idea to use it when touching areas with latent fecal matter.
Record Labels
I don’t root for the downfall of too many industries, but record labels can’t die soon enough.
Instead of embracing and capitalizing on web distribution, record labels pissed their leg and fought the web’s ability to move music. They were too busy fighting Napster to invent iTunes. They were too busy fighting iTunes to invent Pandora. Now that artists can release their music on the web, the record labels have nothing for the future.
What a truly awful industry.
The Chinese Olympics
Have you heard? The Olympics are in China. China will regret this. The focus of these games will be on how China treats its people, not on the tired storyline of records falling thanks to new technology.
Journalists and spectators from around the world will experience a censored Internet. The Internet is essential to journalists. When they can’t get to 50 percent of their favorite sites, they will expose just how bad China controls the flow of information.
China is in a great position now. Publicity could bring them down a notch or two.
The war on the war on fast food
The City Council voted unanimously Tuesday to place a moratorium on new fast food restaurants in an impoverished swath of the city with a proliferation of such eateries and above-average rates of obesity.
The yearlong moratorium — which the mayor still must sign into law — is intended to give the city time to attract restaurants that serve healthier food. The action is believed to be the first of its kind by a major city to protect public health.
Newsflash: Fast food restaurants are in poor areas because poor people can afford to eat there. “Restaurants that serve healthier food” would be in these areas if it made economic sense. Plus, almost every fast food restaurant has healthy menu items.
Can’t we let people be responsible for their own fat asses just once? Maybe LA could start an ad campaign: “Don’t eat your face off, and you won’t be so fat you have to walk through doors sideways.”
Uh oh. Look what I found out:
McDonald’s $1 Double Cheeseburger: 440 calories, 23g fat
Applebee’s Quesadilla Burger: 518 calories, 30g fat
Quick! To the suburbs! The middle class is getting fat at Applebee’s!
The LA City Council (photo credit: Baby Kermit)
Let’s overmedicate!
CNN: A 700 percent increase in Heath Ledger disease.
Deaths from medication mistakes at home, such as actor Heath Ledger’s accidental overdose, rose dramatically during the past two decades, an analysis of U.S. death certificates finds.
The authors blame soaring home use of prescription painkillers and other potent drugs, which 25 years ago were given mainly inside hospitals.
The next president will sign some sort of healthcare reform. It should include something to fight our addiction to pharmaceuticals. Prescription drugs are worse than street drugs in many cases. If nothing else, shouldn’t we speak out against rich, white guys getting high with a doctor’s blessing, while everyone else gets arrested for it?
Smoke a joint and think about it.
FW: Bullshit
I heard it on the Internet that Barack Obama blew off American soldiers in Afghanistan. A friend forwarded an email from a soldier who said Obama didn’t even look at soldiers during his visit last week. He didn’t thank them for their service.
Then, I remembered a thing called “Google.” I searched for the author’s name, and finally ended up on a Snopes’ page discounting the soldier’s account with numerous photos and first-hand accounts of Obama’s visit.
The soldier has retracted his thoughts from the email.
“I am writing this to ask that you delete my email and not forward it. After checking my sources, information that was put out in my email was wrong. This email was meant only for my family. Please respect my wishes and delete the email and if there are any blogs you have my email portrayed on I would ask if you would take it down too. Thanks for your understanding.”
Unfortunately, half the country gets 90 percent of their “news” from email forwards.
Barack Obama is a soldier-hating, secret muslim with the middle name “Hussein.” His skin is also black. Pass it on.