Read about Paris Hilton: Activist. Paris Hilton is being praised by conservationists for highlighting the problem of binge-drinking elephants in northeastern India. Activists said a celebrity endorsement such as Hilton’s was sure to raise awareness of the plight of the pachyderms that get drunk on farmers’ homemade rice beer and then go on a rampage.…
This ad for “Hydroderm” is ridiculous. The left side of her face suffered at the hands of an acid spill, apparently. Look what happens when you make a complete face out of each half. With Hydroderm, your gray hair disappears, your face plumps up, your eyes become brighter, but unfortunately, you can no longer comfortably…
A guy is gay, but a woman is a lesbian. But a lesbian is also gay. “Lesbian” just helps specify the sex of the gay without adding extra words. There’s a word specifically for men who are gay, but it’s not a nice word. How come the lesbians get their own word, and the male…
Before reading on, study the smiles on Bob Vila and Norm Abram. Vila’s smile is phony. He doesn’t enjoy being this close to Norm. Vila wonders how much he gets paid for this photo shoot with Norm. He’s thinking it’s not enough. Norm’s smile is legit. He’s loving life in this picture. That’s not to…
My notepad is full of ideas that seemed a lot better in the drunk of night than in the light of day. Instead of having a bunch of ideas staring at me, I thought I’d clear out some of those unused notes. Enjoy. 1. No blankets allowed on a bar’s patio. I was on the…
“Made in China” sure doesn’t have the sweet ring that it used to. Check out what they’re putting in our toys now. Aqua Dots, which features small beads that bond with water, are made with a chemical the body converts to gamma-hydroxy butyrate, commonly known as the date-rape drug. Two children in the U.S. who…
Hollywood writers are on strike. We’re already screwed with late night television, and scripted shows could go into reruns next. Yes, it will be annoying if the strike affects our TV watching, but the idea of the picket line bothers me more. Are the studio executives unaware of their writers striking? Is this why they…
Lou Dobbs says: As I say in my new book — Independents Day: Awakening the American Spirit — the arrogance of our political leaders now threatens the future of our nation, and their elitist sense of entitlement has reached such heights that our leaders are now openly dismissive of the will of the people. Working…
Have you ever read a quote from a famous person, and you can almost hear them saying it? They usually have to have a distinct voice. Michael Jackson has this power over me in this article about an article about the 25th anniversary of “Thriller.” Michael Jackson knows his reputation as a freak — but…
Have you heard about the baby with eight limbs? As of this writing, the baby’s 40-hour surgery to remove her excess limbs is going quite well. Here are some of the twisted highlights: “We’ve managed to remove the parasitic twin out of Lakshmi’s body and started reconstructing her pelvic bone. We have managed to get…
Me, dad and the bros went to the KU-Fort Hays State basketball game tonight. KU started with a 14-2 lead, so I thought we’d end up with seven times the points of Fort Hays State. 93-56 was the final. That isn’t even double their points. Weak. How come no team ever ends up with seven…
Okay, can we get a week off from something going horribly wrong in the Middle East? Now, Pakistan’s causing trouble before the American public could even figure out how to pronounce “Ahmadinejad.” There’s a war in Iraq, Turkey’s pissed, and we’re still trying to fix Israeli-Palestinian relations. Seriously, the Middle East is not a fun…
America’s been hankering for a Rosie fix. And we might finally get it. Under one scenario, Ms. O’Donnell would be given the 9 p.m. slot each weeknight on MSNBC, where she would go head-to-head with two heavyweights of cable talk: “Larry King Live” on CNN and “Hannity & Colmes” on Fox News. That’s right, you’ll…
This easily tops my last pick for “craiglist ad most likely to end in murder: Longest female tongue ?Reply to: gigs-467420669@craigslist.orgDate: 2007-11-02, 9:34PM CDT Are you an attractive woman over 18, with an unusually long tongue ?You could earn great money just for showing off on video.This is sexy stuff, but not porn.No nudity involved…
Ozzy Osbourne is playing the Sprint Center, and my mom asked “is he going to bite the head off a bat?” I told her I didn’t think he did that anymore. “Maybe he’ll bite the top off a bottle of Geritol, instead,” she said. Yes, it was funny, but I felt that Geritol was a…
“Family Ties” is a classic sitcom. MSNBC used the name “Family Ties” for a special on “a bitter custody battle,” and utterly ruined my night after raising my hopes. If it weren’t for Chris Matthews and Tim Russert, I’d be watching Fox News for this disgrace. While we’re on the topic, Tina Yothers thinks she…
Dear Scott Pelley, You need to slow down. You’re kicking so much ass, it seems Morley Safer has completely given up. Even the senile Andy Rooney‘s confidence dwindles in your presence. Every once in awhile, Bob Simon creeps up on you with a couple of hard-hitting stories, only to have you respond by reporting from…
I have a certain notorious Douglas County strip club as a friend on MySpace. I received the following bulletin and put my favorite parts in bold: To everyone who works at the Outhouse, Amber-Zilla runs this promotional page for this club. As the promoter I feel it is necessary to delete this website as it…
I didn’t stay up late, I didn’t sleep in, and I ended up pissing away the only benefits of this whole time-change nonsense. When we lose an hour in the Fall, I know it’s going to end up being one of those days when I need a 24-hour day. The time-change benefits me in one…
Yellow Jumpsuit April had the best breasts and always showed off the most cleave. Her voice was the most annoying and rarely matched the animation. Lower left April never did much for me at all. Lower right April didn’t have red hair and disappeared way to early in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret…
I’m so proud of Christopher Burke for his Attorney General nomination. Which mortician is doing Laura Bush’s makeup? Oops, forgot the bite marks.
Some friends and I were talking about what a technological marvel the original Nintendo Zapper was. How’d they do that? The Wikipedia explanation hurts my brain. When the trigger was pulled, the game blanked out the screen with a black background for one frame, then, for one additional frame, drew a solid white rectangle around…
I changed the header of this website today. I think it’s fun. Especially since you can stare at the “Matt Stooks.com” part and it kinda messes with your head, thanks to it’s quasi-three-dimensionality. You see that!? How the subhead totally plays off the header? I kick ass.
Every once in awhile, I run across a posting on craigslist that makes me wonder if the poster is looking for someone to murder. Like this one: ladies with hairy armpits/or legs?Reply to: gigs-466758357@craigslist.orgDate: 2007-11-02, 9:39AM CDT I am looking for female models 18-50 with hairy armpits and legs natural
Check out this headline from a discovermagazine.com story and the accompanying picture: This man wants to control the Internet. And you should let him. With this headline and photo, Discover is basically saying “Yeah, we know he looks like a complete douche, but what he has to say makes sense. Maybe you should listen.” Nice…
I’m watching the KU-Pitt State basketball game. The broadcast has already horrified me twice, only 30 minutes into the game. First off, Sasha Kaun is sporting a giant pubic mass on his head. I hope to God he doesn’t keep growing this thing out. It already looks much more pubic than the picture below. UPDATE:…
I ate some Totino’s Party Pizza last weekend. It was the first time I’ve noshed on Totino’s in forever. My timing always blows, as indicated in this news: Almost five million Totino’s and Jeno’s frozen pizzas with pepperoni toppings are being recalled because the pepperoni may be contaminated with E. coli. What did I do…
Dog the Bounty Hunter is in trouble for saying the N-word six times during a phone conversation with his son. Here you go. Beware: he says the N-word a whole lot. There’s something extra hilarious about this latest N-word fiasco. Dog wasn’t going around saying “N-word this and N-Word that and goddamn N-words!” Nothing like…
Waterboarding is getting a lot of press lately. Waterboarding (aka “water boarding”) is the practice of immobilizing an individual on his or her back, with the head inclined downward, and pouring water over the face to force the inhalation of water and induce the sensation of drowning. How could something so horrifying have such a…