The “War on Christmas” continues, with no end in sight. The American people grow weary of this never-ending war, as reality sets in. How can you win such a war? The enemy isn’t one country, it’s an ideology.
Those who celebrate Christmas are asking: Why do they hate us? They hate what we see right in our living rooms: meticulously decorated Christmas trees. Their pine trees are unadorned and naked. They hate our traditions: our singing of carols, our hanging of stockings, our desire to put milk and cookies in Santa’s belly.
With every Christmas sign that comes down, and every “Happy Holidays” sign that goes up, they hope that America forgets Jesus, retreating from Rudolph and forsaking the nose that once led the way.
We are not deceived by their pretenses to non-piety. We have seen their kind before. They are the heirs of Ebenezer Scrooge, The Grinch, and Zack Morris’ mom from the Saved by the Bell episode where they did A Christmas Carol. By sacrificing wreaths to serve their secular visions, by abandoning every urge to give things wrapped in multi-colored paper, they follow in the path of the Abominable Snowman from Rudolph. And they will follow that path all the way to where it ends: in a vast forrest overpopulated with Balsam Fir trees.
Americans are asking: How will we fight and win this war? We will direct every resource at our command — every means of scotch tape, every cup of nog, every Salvation Army Bell Ringer, every living Nativity, and every necessary weapon of goodwill — to the disruption and to the defeat of the global “We’re a bunch of crybabies who don’t like Christmas” network.
Fellow citizens, we’ll meet secularism with cookies shaped like Christmas trees — assured of the rightness of our scented candles, and confident of the presents to come for all children who’ve done good this past year. In all that lies before us, may Santa grant us wisdom, and may He remember to take his Lactaid before flying over the United States of America.
Thank you.
Fact: I love Christmas!