American Gladiator Hearings

I have a feeling Roger Clemens will be indicted for perjury in his Congressional testimony.

Lost in all the baseball hubbub is a steroid crisis unfolding in front of America right on network television. One of our favorite past times is in peril, and no one says a word.

First, take a look at the American Gladiators from 20 years ago.

These classic Gladiators are clean as a whistle, except for some questionable use of hair products (I’m looking at you, guy next to Nitro).

Now, take a look at the new American Gladiators.

NBC comes right out and says “A new breed of Gladiator!” They might as well say “A new breed of Gladiator! Half man, half Walgreens!”

Yet we refuse to question the ridiculous size of these beings. In fact, mass crowds of people shower the “thumbs down” upon the feeble, uninjected challengers falling helplessly into pits of water at the Gladiators’ hands.

Worse, the show claims one of the contestants will “get a shot” at being a new American Gladiator. A shot? NBC is rubbing our face into a giant vat of HGH, and we look the other way. When 160-pound Evan Dollard inevitably wins the competition, then returns as a 250-pound, shrunken-testicle’d bohemith next year, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

“Even though I won’t have a nut sack, I’ll still look like one.”

Congress going after baseball players won’t keep Nitro’s broken Joust records warm at night.

Shame on you, America.

Note: I’m pretty sure the “Wolf” Gladiator is 100 percent natural. Please don’t investigate him.