Britney Spears people say she fell asleep at 1 a.m. New Year’s because she was tired, not that she collapsed because she was too drunk. I’ll have to see some photos to be sure. Vagina = sober.
When not passing out, Britney has been pretty good about being slutty. She made out with Arizona Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart Friday night. Then, his mansion turned into a trailer.
More weird NFL-celebrity news: Jessica Simpson’s dad worked out a deal with Dallas quarterback Tony Romo. In exchange for some Cowboys tickets, Joe Simpson let Tony namedrop Jessica Simpson as a love interest. At least he’s not completely whoring her out, well, at least until her career is officially dead.
Meanwhile, Jessica and Nick Lachey have settled their finances. He gets the flat screens and she gets the DirecTV commercial DVDs.
Michael Jackson showed up for James Brown’s funeral. He says James was his biggest inspiration. Musically. Not pedophilically.
“Smell my hand.”
Paris Hilton’s New Year’s Resolution: go to a children’s hospital everywhere she visits. Let’s just hope Britney’s vagina doesn’t join her for the visits.
You can now wipe your ass with Paris Hilton and not worry about infection. Someone’s eBaying toilet paper with her face on it.
“Now available in Tabasco ply, for that burning sensation you’ve come to expect from Paris Hilton!”
Kevin Federline is scheduled to be on tonight’s WWE Raw. I called it. I’m betting he’s in for a decent string of appearances to keep his cash flow in line with his declining lifestyle.
Lindsay Lohan got pissed and made a scene at Girls Gone Wild Sleaze Joe Francis for hitting on girls not named “Lohan” at some club in Miami. I just can’t get over the fact that the guy behind Girls Gone Wild would be hitting on girls. I’m with Lo on this one.
Mike Tyson’s mugshot photo from his DUI/Coke arrest isn’t quite as glammed out as a Mel Gibson or Nicole Richie mug, but he made an effort. Here’s a good Wikipedia entry on Tyson.
Disappointment alert: Mariah Carey is going to be in Playboy…fully clothed.
This’ll make you feel better: Indiana Jones 4 will start shooting next year.
Some guy dropped $20 thousand at Jose Canseco’s garage sale, and he says Jose hasn’t given him the bedroom set yet. So the guy’s suing. What’s Jose think? “Hey, that guy got more than his money’s worth in used needles.”
McGwire before he realized Jose needed to do more than just bump arms to give him some steroids. Then, he was confused by the whole ass injection procedure for awhile.
Hi I’m Matt Stooks, and everybody sucks. Oh, and I suck the big one!
Seems Matt Stooks has so much anger in his life, he tells as many Lies as he can think of to feel just a wee, wee, bit better. Since he will never feel better he’s probably shot himself by now as I end this report.
R.I.P. Matt Stooks! We never cared for you kind anyway!