Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
If anyone knows how to go the distance, it’s you. People marvel at your stamina, and it’s true — right now you feel like you could go on forever. Just don’t forget the Fire Sauce. You tend to do that when inebriated.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
The little details have a way of piling up. One by one, they’re not so bad, but when they clump up, they can throw a real monkey wrench into your plans. Maybe you should start flushing the toilet at least once every three trips.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Put your people skills to work. When it comes to talking to higher-ups, you know how to get the truth across in the most effective way: nude hand puppets.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Be your own personal entourage. Act as your own manager, agent and press person. If you get out there, you can truly make a difference. This will be especially convenient taking into account your complete lack of friends.
Stooks Proverb: Teachers open the doors, but you must enter them yourself. Unless the teacher is Paris Hilton. Then, you should enter with your friend Trojan.