Leo (July 23 – August 22) The small stuff is rolling right off your back, not so much with the large goiter on the small of your back. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) A potential romance is really blooming, so pour on the TLC. Rest in peace, Left Eye. Taurus (April 20 – May…
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The stars encourage you to go out and gather more material for your mind. Pick up interesting magazines and books or go see an artsy-fartsy movie. Heck, why not do all of them, and make it a regular thing? Oh, you want to keep your friends? Nevermind. Cancer (June…
I’m hoping to axe the Stooksoscope by Monday. If you like it, you’d better try to trick me into keeping it. Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) Career opportunities present themselves in some surprising and subtle ways today. Although, some may say a Bill Gates hallucination isn’t all that subtle. Gemini (May 21 – June…
Leo (July 23 – August 22) Enlightening influences are coming your way, thanks to those optimistic and happy-go-lucky stars. Those manic depressive stars are sleeping in after a weekend of binging. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Frustrated and fuming about delays on the career front? Think of this as an opportunity to slow down…
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) Don’t lose heart if some recent adventures haven’t turned out quite as you’d hoped. Instead, shake off some of that weight pressing down on your shoulders. You really shouldn’t offer piggyback rides to Rosie O’Donnell. Cancer (June 22 – July 22) Recent frustrations about your progress on the job…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) Your ideas about relationships are changing and maturing. You no longer seek a companion to get you through an episode of Dawson’s Creek without crying. That Pacey gets you every time. Gemini (May 21 – June 21) Make sure people know you’re not just talk — you know how…
Leo (July 23 – August 22) Someone’s impressed with how good you are at being in charge. Too bad that someone is Jennifer Lopez’s three year old niece. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You have a decision to make, but you need lots of peace and quiet to identify the option that’s really best…
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) This rough patch of your recent history is, believe it or not, a great opportunity to learn how to change things for the better. Stop bemoaning your fate. Figure out the divine lesson in these events: Jesus is the only one who can make a decent glass of wine…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) Someone else’s emotions are making you uncomfortable, possibly because they quite accurately mirror what you’re trying to keep hidden. You really should’ve buried it before having company over. Gemini (May 21 – June 21) Communication may be a little touch-and-go now, so make sure you double-check those emails and…
Leo (July 23 – August 22) An eagerness to put a recent squabble behind you may send you from the frying pan straight into the fire. That’s a place only suitable for s’mores. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Having this much activity going on can be just a touch unsettling, but withdrawing from the…
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) You’re ready to raise the stakes when it comes to a high-risk game involving your emotions. The stars say to sit this hand out. So does the secondhand smoke coming from that dude with the Marlboro Reds who hasn’t left the casino in four days. Cancer (June 22 –…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) Repressing your emotions won’t be helpful in the end. In fact, holding things in will eventually just make you feel like blowing your top. Paris Hilton has video to document this phenomenon. Gemini (May 21 – June 21) Remind yourself how far you’ve come. That should help you overcome…
Leo (July 23 – August 22) You’re on the receiving end of some unusual celestial energy right now, especially when it comes to trusting your inner wisdom. Oh, wait, that’s just Olive Garden indigestion. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Be on the lookout for miscommunications, especially where relatives, loved ones and old friends are…
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) Excitement is growing even more than it was before. Has someone been taking the Enzyte plunge with Smiling Bob? Cancer (June 22 – July 22) Assuming that other people’s lives are totally under control while you’re a big mess is silly. See if you can transfer your mess to…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) Some parties really want to get aggressive, but you don’t have to succumb to their combative tendencies. Give them one of your special brownies, their tone will change in no time. Gemini (May 21 – June 21) People from your past may rekindle old feelings. The million-dollar question is…
Leo (July 23 – August 22) Blazing a new trail isn’t easy, but the effort will be worth it. People will know you’re a force to be reckoned with once you’ve completed your Hasselhoffro. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Trying to figure out what’s really going on in someone else’s head is a fool’s…
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) Working with a certain coworker seems like it’s asking for trouble, but you know how making assumptions can cause trouble. The stars say if you restrict yourself to the task at hand, you might get more done than you’d hoped for, especially if the task is playing with Microsoft…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) Defending yourself is a waste of time and energy, especially when you’re not the source of the problem. Focus on the task at hand. It’s been your turn in Jenga for like five minutes now. Gemini (May 21 – June 21) Focus on bonding with your family. It’s time…
Leo (July 23 – August 22) Being a party animal takes a backseat to a more contemplative mood. With the stars in their most insightful mood, you can see what was clouded by a fog before: Louie Anderson’s backside. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You don’t need to send out a detailed report about…
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) There’s a lot to look forward to, especially with the stars’ benevolent rays beaming on your social calendar. Friday: try out that new melon baller! Cancer (June 22 – July 22) Your friends just love talking to you, and it’s no wonder. You’ve been popping Altoids. Scorpio (October 23…
Leo (July 23 – August 22) A certain person you’re counting on may turn out to be flaky. Don’t worry, though — it’s just temporary. Tell them about Selsun Blue. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Wait until some of the extraneous noise dies down before you make a decision. What you hear could change…
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The stars commend you for staying grounded and patient. Is it any wonder that your outward circumstances now match your inner attitude? Unfortunately, the carpet still doesn’t match the curtains. Cancer (June 22 – July 22) Is the charm of this person or situation going to wear off in…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The first step to dealing with your current mood is to acknowledge that it’s there instead of ignoring it. Shake off that funk. Or, at least do us all a favor, and Febreeze it. Gemini (May 21 – June 21) You just love playing devil’s advocate, and you’re great…
Leo (July 23 – August 22) That means keeping it simple, silly. Cut all the unnecessary trim and you’ll find the absolute essence of success. Your wildest dreams come true, especially when you stick close to the original source: the tailpipe on an ’88 Cutlass. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You don’t want to…
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) Thinking about others is almost always second nature to you, but right now a little voice is saying, ‘But what about me, me, me?’ Go ahead and give yourself some extra loving attention and kindness too. Just don’t do it in your neighbors bushes this time. Cancer (June 22…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) Figure out what you want, because there’s a good chance that you’ll get it. Who would’ve thought that a greeter collapsing at Wal-Mart would cause the perfect distraction for stealing condoms. Gemini (May 21 – June 21) So things look a certain way, but does that necessarily reflect the…
Leo (July 23 – August 22) Someone wants to tell you something, but you’re on sensory overload. If you can find a rhythm with all your multitasking, you’ll be able to hear what they have to tell you. If that doesn’t work, it might be time for Miracle Ear. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)…
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) You? Making an argument for the tried-and-true? What the heck is going on? There’s nothing more innovative than embracing tradition, especially when it works. And wearing a Hasselhoff wig while sifting through your archive of “Knight Rider” and “Baywatch” tapes couldn’t work any better. Cancer (June 22 – July…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) Life’s too short to pretend, unless you’re pretending to be Superman. That’s fun. Gemini (May 21 – June 21) Are you paying attention? Some good news has landed in your lap. Make sure you tip when she’s done. Libra (September 23 – October 22) The temptation to label things…
Leo (July 23 – August 22) You’re at the center of it all, especially when you take the first step. You’re surprised to see how many people respond to your actions, but you shouldn’t be. You can clear the room thanks to the Chicken-Fried Steak and Eggs after a hangover breakfast at the Village Inn.…