Matt Stooks

Aquarius

You know that saying about spending money to make money? You’ll soon find an opportunity to bring in more cash, though expenses will increase. Although, it doesn’t cost much to get a homeless guy to hand out your “Three weeks to better body hair grooming” guide.

Cancer

It may be time to reset your course. Give yourself some time and space to examine recent events in your life. Punching that granny in the teeth for stealing your place in line might come back to haunt you. Kicking her while she was convulsing on the floor may have been the tipping point.

Scorpio

It’s a great time to make amends with a buddy. Some warm and fuzzy influences ensure that you two can patch things up. Kitten calendars get you both misty every time.

Aries

Just because someone else is in a panic doesn’t mean you have to go into a tailspin, too. Disregard if you have some kind of “Chip and Dale’s Rescue Rangers” type of scheme in mind.

Stooks Proverb: A penny saved is a penny earned, that you can then use as slingshot ammo for your enemies.

This “Dear Abby” inspired us to talk about the Dirty Old Man.

Segment 1 – Sex at the nursing home (2:26).

Segment 2 – We’re not too old to “boff” (2:16).

Segment 3 – Old man teeth (4:03).

Segment 4 – Old man at the bar shows off his gums (2:28).

“Feel like vomiting in shame and disgust later?”

In other show activity…

A guy who’s happy about an E-Mail (2:36).

Whitney didn’t mean it! The new rumor is: Bobby cheated on Whitney. Whitney put up with it. Whitney’s friends said she’s letting Bobby make a fool of her. Whitney thinks threatening divorce will win him back. Bobby says “see ya.”

“Crack is fun!”

From the same article: Joe Simpson, Jessica’s dad, takes photos of his daughters and sells them to the tabloids.

A lot of people think Oprah would be a good president. Including one particular dude. He’s a retired Kansas City (sigh) school teacher. He’s spent $65 thousand on an “Oprah for President” campaign. Oprah’s lawyer just served him a cease-and-desist letter for using Oprah’s name and picture on his website.

What shocking news! Ty Pennington just told The Enquirer about his “brain disorder.” He has ADHD. We already knew that. Or thought maybe Clorox was involved.

“Are my eyeballs shaking or is the world moving?”

Diddy says: you’re in charge of your future, kids!

Clay Aiken talked about rumors that he’s gay. He doesn’t say he is or isn’t, just that he sure gets sore in the ass after reading some of those articles.

This is really random: some Irish magazine called Tiger Woods wife, as well as the other U.S. Ryder Cup Team wives, “filth.” They also ran fake nudy shots of her. HAHA!

Tori Spelling will be on Smallville this season. Look into those eyes and tell me there isn’t something very, very frightening about Tori.

Mel Brooks co-wrote the pilot and will provide two of the voices for Spaceballs: The Animated Series. Sadly, it’s only going to be on the G4 network. WTF?

George Lucas is giving $175 million to the USC film school. Luckily, George just happened to have exactly $175 million cash stored in the second chin fold below his beard line.

“I also store various knick-knacks in there.”

Can’t get enough of the inside of Tom Green’s body? He’s filming his leg surgery for his online TV show.

Kate Moss is now a designer. America’s little girl is growing up.

Only recently have I realised how many people hate John Mayer. Here’s an interview where he recognizes how annoying he is to some.

Leo

Think about how your actions affect you and others, from small gestures to large ones. It’s time to move beyond middle finger to something more along the lines of flaming bag of dog doo.

Sagittarius

A winning attitude can go a long way toward ensuring a degree of success, especially when it comes to new ventures. Think pink, be positive, strike up the band. Did I say “think pink?” I meant to say “Think of some badass color.” Maybe magenta.

Taurus

Is someone being extremely unreasonable in their demands? It’s time to stand up for your rights. You pee with the door open, and nothing anyone says will ever change that!!!

Virgo

Take your work, but not yourself, seriously. It’ll help you focus and keep your loyal supporters working hard. You need all of your keen perceptions and dedicated allies to face the next big project coming down the pike: water repellant underwear.

Stooks Proverb: Silence is golden. No gold if you’re a mute, though. Okay? OKAY?!!!

“You try singing with false teeth…”

Aquarius

Get savvy about your finances. A few canny moves on your part could push you into an entirely new tax bracket: the one just above M.C. Hammer.

Cancer

It’s likely that boredom and restlessness will kick in today, but you can do something to ease the day. Break up the humdrum routine of work or school by planning a trip to the mall to buy something glamorous. Whether it’s an outfit or a Nixon mask, whatever you purchase is sure to be an upgrade.

Scorpio

Your natural panache comes in handy when you need to tell a story or gather people around a common cause. Your natural odor, however, doesn’t come in handy in those same situations.

Aries

It should be a fairly relaxed day. However, someone rather aloof and enigmatic is likely to catch your eye. Hamburglar gets you every time.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t air your dirty laundry in public. You’re simply too susceptible to those odd crotch stains.

Way too many people think they can forward a message and suddenly find out who’s stalking them on MySpace.

This does not work, yet I get these things constantly.

This is nothing new to complain about, but if you think about it a little more, it’s kind of a creepy thing to want. You basically want a way to stalk the people who are stalking you.

Here’s our discussion (3:17).

In other show activity…

A Harry Potter fan excited about some recent news (3:17).

I also recommend you watch and listen to the following tweak to the Lord of the Rings ending.

Tom Cruise and Katie Homes’ rep says they’ll get married in the next three to six weeks. Just in time for the big day, Tom has finally won Katie’s grandma’s approval.

Britney Spears named her new son Sutton Pierce.

A bodyguard who applied to work for Brangelina has been arrested for impersonating a Homeland Security official. He was padding his resume to try to land the job. He even dressed up a Crown Victoria with some lights and “Homeland Security” decals.

Elton John has ended his feud with George Michael. It started when Elton said George was wasting talent just sitting at home. They also disagreed on which is better: top or bottom.

Congratulations to Pierce Brosnan on his environmental efforts and for posing with this terrifying facial hair.

“I’m a British pirate. Can’t you tell?”

Not really breaking news, but here’s an interesting take on why Elmo is a terrible character on Sesame Street.

Two corpses in two weeks on two different CSI sets. The latest was on the Miami set. A body washed ashore while they were filming a scene in Miami.

Leo

Your natural state is zoom, zoom, zoom, but focus on each and every step, or things could go boom, boom, boom. I thought boom, boom, boom was a good thing.

Sagittarius

Someone in your life is intent on losing their head, but you remain calm. Guillotines are far too expensive for one person and usually require two people for operation.

Taurus

Someone close to you is toting a ‘Handle with Care’ warning. Punch them and call them a sissy. Then tell them you would call them worse, but they’re not worth the trouble.

Virgo

Silence gets your point across more effectively than a torrent of words today. Damn you and your stealthy flatulence.

Stooks Proverb: What you don’t know can’t hurt you. Bears can, though. Especially if you store your honey in your hair instead of one of those cute little bear bottles.

Here’s an odd story out of Lenexa about a kid who’s on six months probation for putting some G.I. Joe Survival Beverage in her coffee that apparently made her sick.

I knew people had done worse things to their teachers.

Segment 1 – Nun torture
Segment 2 – Tainting food/drinks/shoes

By the way, when we first started talking about this, we thought maybe the GI Joe Survival Beverage made her sick because the drink came out in the 80’s. It was actually bottled in 2000, and I can’t believe I’ve never seen or heard of it before.

In other show activity…

The High Lady on “Racist Survivor.”

The Johnny Kaw Radio Show. Today’s topic involves an embarassing movement downstairs.

Kevin Federline confirms he’s a father of another baby boy. “Mom and baby are doing well, thanks, but we’re all really tired.” Life & Style Weekly says Britney was craving a double cheeseburger and milkshake from In-N-Out Burger on the way to the hospital, but “Kevin refused to stop to satisfy Brit’s urge.” Then, she had his baby, and he satisfied her urge all night long in a desperate attempt to reimpregnate.

Wow, Whitney Houston has finally filed for divorce. You know, just yesterday we were talking about Kevin Costner’s comeback…anyone else smell BODYGUARD SEQUEL!!!!!!!

Some Russian politician wanted to have Madonna be a space tourist. Other Russians didn’t want it to happen. I wonder why.

Classic Lohan: she’s secretly married, but “Another source, however, says there’s trouble in paradise. Lohan and Morton had a nasty spat on Sunday when he got furious at her for flirting with a DJ, according to the London Mirror.” Nice use of the “flirting with the DJ” to cause a fight.

Same article, Stephen Baldwin says he’s praying for Tom Cruise’s soul. He’s a born-again Christian, who only knows six Commandments. Oh yeah, and he’s a Baldwin.

Nicole Richie says she still isn’t anorexic. “Stress” is it. The stress from having a cherry-red prosthetic fingernail repeatedly touching the back of your throat.

They found a mummified body at an offset scene while filming CSI: NY. They should pull a Double Impact and have Gary Sinise play the unmummified corpse of a murdered Lieutinant Dan.

The Kazakhstan President is flying in to meet with President Bush about Ali G’s Kazakh character, Borat. The new Borat movie is out in some places and the country doesn’t like the film makes them look. I’m not joking.

Rock Star: Supernova’s finale just got a little interesting. A judge says another band already owns that name, and new Supernova needs to go get themselves a name of their own.

No real new news on Mike Tyson’s new job working out in front of people in Vegas, but this is an interesting piece about his career and problems. I remember how cool he was when we were kids. What a messed-up dude.

Capricorn

You know what you want done and you know how you want it to happen. Now if you could just afford Jenna Jameson, you’d have quite the film.

Gemini

It’s a hectic time, but it’s nothing you can’t handle. Just make sure you stay mentally and physically flexible. See if you can bend your leg over head and touch your conscience with your toe.

Libra

After all of the efforts you’ve made, you’re like a cat on a hot tin roof, and who can blame you? But luckily for the cat, it was neutered before it got on the hot tin roof, unlike you.

Pisces

Your friends have issues, so be a caring pal and lend a sympathetic ear. Believe it or not, your humanitarian impulses will increase your chances of romance. See, this is where being gay would really come in handy.

Stooks Proverb: Like father, like son. That’s why Jake Busey also picks broccoli out of his teeth with a pick axe.

We took up a classic today: pooping at work.

First off, here’s some terminology that will help with this discusion.

Segment 2 – Pooping without walls
Segment 3 – A block of Velveeta

“Does the fake poop you use look a little too real? You need Insta-Poop!”

This is sad: Anna Nicole Smith gave birth in the Bahamas Thursday. They found her 20-year-old son dead in the same hospital.

The mole has returned! Cindy Crawford says she never admitted to using botox.

Jessica Simpson and her dad/manager are feuding again. She better watch out, or she’ll be giving spankings again.

Paris Hilton has filmed a movie called “Bottoms Up.” Jeez, that really sounds like a porno. However, it’s a legit movie. But, one of her co-stars you’ve never heard of says Paris doesn’t have talent and is always late. Double goodbye! Paris doesn’t remember anything from the past five years.

This article says Denise Richards and Richie Sambora will get married in May ’07. I will vomit.

Here’s an interesting read that includes PETA’s thanks for Steve Irwin’s death and this from Diddy: “I’m still the flyest mother[bleeper] out there. I’m still dictating what’s hot, what the flavor is, what dance should be done. I’m not trying to hold on to my youth — I’m just timeless, I guess.”

The Covenant made $9 million this weekend. It was the worst weekend box office in three years. Why don’t they just start putting out decent movies in the Fall instead of jamming them all into the summer? That really annoys me.

Interesting take from Brad Pitt on the photo below:

When a reporter revealed that she, too, was a new parent, the cameras went wild
again, as Pitt made a wacky face. “That’s the picture that’s going to end up (on
TV) when I have a breakdown,” Pitt said, laughing. “When I get arrested for a
DUI late at night, or make racial slurs or something. ‘See, we saw it coming.’ ”

Aquarius

Your intellect receives a large dose of earthy common sense. Here it is: dirt is good for growing things.

Cancer

Yes, other people depend on you, but you need to make your own needs a priority, too. If you get too caught up crossing the t’s and dotting the i’s for others, your own life could start to fray at the edges. Although, it is important to not confuse “pool” with “poot.”

Scorpio

It’s amazing how good we humans are at making life more difficult. The next time you’re faced with a dilemma, pretend you’re an orangutan.

Aries

It’s time to get into some practical habits when it comes to your finances. Any little steps you take toward fiscal health will pay off exponentially. Just wait for double coupons before going on your Escolar-brand herpes ointment.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. It’s more efficient to divide the eggs into individual baskets for each person involved in the egging of your high school art teacher’s car.