Thanks to his Nobel Prize win, Al Gore got the pleasure of meeting with President Bush Monday.
Rather than go to Arrowhead Stadium for KU-MU, we went to Ugly Joe’s at 103rd and State Line. You see, Arrowhead is clearly in Missouri. Ugly Joe’s is right on the border, making it more suitable for the whole “Border War” mentality. Yeah, that’s it.
It was almost a 50/50 KU-MU crowd. Obviously, a similar crowd was at Arrowhead. Mixing crowds 50/50 is probably the most ideal situation for fights to break out. Without one dominant group to keep the other in check, total chaos is possible. Sadly, I didn’t observe one fight.
As a KU fan, I was surprised that another KU fan was my first nomination for an ass kicking. We got there two hours before kickoff, and he started a new “Rock Chalk Chant” every five minutes leading up to the game. Luckily, some dumbass MU fans redeemed themselves at the end of the game with the flawed “Overrated” cheer. If you cheer “overrated” at the team you’re beating, aren’t you demeaning your team in the process? Shouldn’t you somehow cheer “underrated” about your team?
Luckily, a waitress with a tattooed muffin top was there to lighten the mood. Look at how she just shoves the credit card folder right into the folds of her back.
The muffin top was more frightening earlier in the evening, but I only got the balls/drunkenness to use my camera’s flash at the end of the night.
Our more attractive waitress did a suitable job, even though she disappeared for a half hour at one point. Two other waitresses ended up bringing our food out. When did it become standard practice for your waitress to avoid bringing you your food? This happens to me more times than not.
This ketchup bottle is terrible:
Chris struggled to control the amount of ketchup flowing from the ill-conceived wide-mouth bottle. In fact, so much ketchup poured out, he had to spend a couple of minutes dipping his fries onto the mass of ketchup on his bun.
Ugly Joe’s is one of the only establishments to have the bathroom door handle on the correct side of the door. Every public restroom should have the handle on the outside of the door. After you wash your hands, you can just back your way out of the restroom like a surgeon. I’m not sure who’s responsible for the majority of restrooms using the inside “filth handle” technique, but they have to be benefiting from the spread of coliform.
A group of lesbians sat behind us. One of them was a lesbian Johnny Sack, of “The Sopranos” fame.
These lesbians were tolerable. None of them were wearing a pink “insert your school logo here” shirt. These shirts make you wonder whether there are women who simply can’t go one day without wearing pink. While we’re on the subject, you don’t look that good in pink, sweetheart.
Thanksgiving dinner is hours away, and I can only hope that I’m not too late in posting this warning.
At Thanksgiving, you will eat something you wouldn’t otherwise ever eat. If it’s a potluck occasion, you’re doubly screwed. You see, there’s always one frightening dish at every Thanksgiving dinner. And, you’ll have to eat it.
It doesn’t matter your position in the buffet line, either.
If you’re at the front of the line, you’ll think “Oh no, no one will eat that filthy gelatin-based specimen. I better take some so Aunt Sylvia’s feelings won’t get hurt.” Then, at the end of the meal, you’ll try to hide the completely uneaten dish under the discarded hard outer layer from the ham.
If you’re at the end of the line, you’ll encounter a completely untouched casserole. Obviously, you’ll take some, as to again avoid an Aunt Sylvia meltdown.
After all this charity work, you’ll then have to lie about how good it was, or about how you would love to eat more if you weren’t so full.
After completing your ass-erole, it’s time for dessert. There will be at least as many dessert items as people attending. You’ll have to eat the one good dessert item, as well as one charity item, likely topped with coconut.
I have one final thought before I let you go for your Thanksgiving festivities. I truly think the can-shaped, pre-made cranberry sauce is superior to the homemade stuff. But, once again, dirty looks will make you eat the inferior, ground-up-intestine-looking homemade crap.
Bon Appétit! Whoops, that’s French. I meant “Freedom Appétit!”
Mike Huckabee keeps trying to trick everyone into thinking he’s the Republican, less orally pleased Bill Clinton. He’ll really be pushing it once he starts playing guitar on the modern day version of Arsenio Hall (Ellen?).
I was pretty much through with this show, but got suckered into watching it last night. Rosie O’Donnell is on four episodes of Nip/Tuck this season. I’m sure it was her idea to have the “ass bandit” story line inserted (teehee). Seeing Rosie’s face while a couple of digits plunged into her rectum was everything I hoped it could be. Excuse me, I must now try to un-invert my manhood.
Why is Thanksgiving a month from Christmas?
Many people live far away from their families. Others just see each other on the major holidays regardless of location. Don’t you think that’s a bit too much “family time” all at once? Isn’t it a bit too much food all at once, too? Shouldn’t the holidays be spread more evenly across the calendar? And why do we put these major holidays right in months with the worst weather conditions? We’re dumb.
I don’t want to turn this into “The Bodily Functions Blog,” but my right eyebrow is twitching. Observe.
Google Trends is a pretty cool tool for seeing what the world is searching for over a given time period. I subscribe to an RSS feed in Google Reader that delivers the latest hot trends. Some pretty random stuff shows up. For example, tonight’s 11 pm feed shows Habba Syndrome at number 13.
What is Habba Syndrome?
Habba Syndrome was first described by Saad F. Habba, MD. The main symptom of Habba Syndrome is post-pandrial diarrhea, (three or more bowel movements per day for at least three months, which can range from simple urgency to incontinence) which is generally thought to be due to dysfunctional gallbladder which produces inappropriate amount of bile, but cholecystectomy does not greatly influence the symptoms, and approximately 10% of patients have nearly no change. Hence, the gallbladder may not be the only factor causing the syndrome.
Making this odd query even odder, “cordless drill” is listed as a “related search” at the trend page. I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be anywhere near a Habba Syndrome sufferer handling a cordless drill. That situation holds the potential for a pretty decent mess.
Fred Goldman is still pissed at O.J.
“Our intent is to continue to pursue him, to continue to hold him accountable and responsible for Ron’s murder,” he said during a recent phone interview from his daughter’s home in the Los Angeles suburb of Santa Clarita. “And we’re going to continue to do that until he’s dead.”
And you know the handlebar mustache will play a key role.
I have a cold. As a result, I have a perfectly functioning left nostril and a continuously clogged right nostril. I can successfully blow the right nostril clean for 0.238 seconds before it clogs back up.
We decided I was, pound for pound, the best boxer to ever approach the machine. Before my triumphant assault, the guys in the room wouldn’t waste a second thinking they could kick my ass. They now cowered in fear. Skeptics claimed the machine benefitted someone my height, but that was a lie to cover their shame.
Girls breasts are getting bigger with every generation. Check out this article and all the hilarious profile shots of grandma’s tiny boobs, mom’s medium boobs, and daughter’s suffocation sacks. Here’s one family’s sample.
See how the smug, big-breasted look on the face of the youngest contrasts with the humble, washboard-chested look on grandma’s face?
This breast phenomenon is all good news now, but what happens when this new generation’s udders age and sag on their own journey toward grandma-hood? I foresee a bra industry unlike anything we’ve ever seen, producing multi-geared drawbridge-like contraptions to prevent this mutant National-Geographic boob from scraping against the pavement and/or getting stuck in wheelchair spokes.
Have you ever been in a car with heated seats? They’re quite handy when it gets cold outside. But if you’re not expecting the seat warmer to be on, it’s quite a different sensation, as you feel your ass slowly warm for reasons you can’t explain. It’s more of a “Did I just crap myself?” type of feeling.
Barry Bonds, Major League Baseball’s all-time home-run leader, was indicted by a U.S. grand jury on charges of obstructing justice and perjury for lying about using steroids.
This doesn’t affect my unending desire to play the Barry World on Super Mario Galaxy.
Check out those silly teens.
More than four in 10 teens, or 43 percent, who instant message use it for things they wouldn’t say in person, according to an Associated Press-AOL poll released Thursday. Twenty-two percent use IMs to ask people out on dates or accept them, and 13 percent use them to break up.
It doesn’t say what percent set up encounters with 40 year olds at Waffle House. Sorry, pedophiles, you’ll have to wait for the next study.
First, Marie Osmond faints on Dancing with the Stars. Now, her son’s going into rehab. What exactly are they smoking at the Osmond house? I would pass on that pipe, if I were you. Apparently, it causes your hair to go mad, too.
Gene Simmons shares his insight on the music industry.
There is nothing in me that wants to go in there and do new music. How are you going to deliver it? How are you going to get paid for it if people can just get it for free?
The record industry doesn’t have a f—ing clue how to make money. It’s only their fault for letting foxes get into the henhouse and then wondering why there’s no eggs or chickens. Every little college kid, every freshly-scrubbed little kid’s face should have been sued off the face of the earth. They should have taken their houses and cars and nipped it right there in the beginning. Those kids are putting 100,000 to a million people out of work. How can you pick on them? They’ve got freckles. That’s a crook. He may as well be wearing a bandit’s mask.
Great, now a less talented version of Lars (see my take on Lars) is out blaming the Internet for inability to sell music, instead of blaming the natural decline of aging rock stars’ abilities along with their ball sacks.
I remember when Napster was on fire, me and all my freckle-faced friends sat around downloading KISS until sunrise every weekend. Although, you couldn’t see our frecklie faces behind our bandit’s masks, which never smelled thanks to our constant state of freshly-scrubbed faciness.
And Gene, while I’ve got your attention, how about you lay off the sexual prowess talk? Nobody wants to hear about your mangy ass rubbing up on anything.
Read about Paris Hilton: Activist.
Paris Hilton is being praised by conservationists for highlighting the problem of binge-drinking elephants in northeastern India.
Activists said a celebrity endorsement such as Hilton’s was sure to raise awareness of the plight of the pachyderms that get drunk on farmers’ homemade rice beer and then go on a rampage.
“The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them,” the 26-year-old socialite said in a report posted on World Entertainment News Network’s Web site. Her comments were picked up by other Web sites and newspapers around the globe.
I guess this means no Paris-Elephant sex tape. Worse, it means no Paris-Elephant love child.
This ad for “Hydroderm” is ridiculous.
I think Hydroderm could do more to sensationalize the effects. I’ve taken the liberty of creating a new ad, for free.
A guy is gay, but a woman is a lesbian. But a lesbian is also gay. “Lesbian” just helps specify the sex of the gay without adding extra words. There’s a word specifically for men who are gay, but it’s not a nice word.
How come the lesbians get their own word, and the male gay population is left to share the ever-so-bland “gay” with the lesbians, who already have a pretty kick ass word to themselves?
Furthermore, how come public officials always say “gay and lesbian rights” instead of just “gay rights?”
I don’t get it. Someone explain, please.
Before reading on, study the smiles on Bob Vila and Norm Abram.
Why does Vila struggle to summon an authentic smile? Because he’s a thankless prick, unaware of the career he owes to Norm. Does Norm hate Vila for this? No. Norm is a class act. He knows his business requires assholes like Vila. In fact, every business has a Vila hogging all the credit.
Norm has spent all his life carrying helpless losers like Vila on his back. He could bitch about it. He could let it weigh on him. But Norm won’t. He’ll just go spend a half hour making yet another bad ass piece of furniture that Vila couldn’t imagine in his wildest dreams.
My notepad is full of ideas that seemed a lot better in the drunk of night than in the light of day. Instead of having a bunch of ideas staring at me, I thought I’d clear out some of those unused notes. Enjoy.
1. No blankets allowed on a bar’s patio. I was on the Maloney’s patio for my friend Geoff’s birthday, and some clown went to his car to retrieve blankets. If you’re cold, go inside.
2. Meridith Vieira is hot and doesn’t get credit for it.
3. That waitress at Jose Peppers. I went to Jose Peppers with my brother Tom and his girlfriend awhile back. The waitress was training some new guy. She had this attitude of “I’m the waitress in charge of training new wait staff, blah blah blah” and came off like a snooty, know-it-all bitch. Karma caught up with her. She spilled water all over the table. Tom looked at the waiter-in-training and said “that’s not what you’re supposed to do.”
4. Kansas liquor laws. I know I’ll get inspired enough to do a full-on post someday, but here’s what I got for now. Some places in Kansas still don’t have liquor on Sundays, and you can’t buy liquor at the grocery store. Bars can’t have a happy hour. Somebody explain how these aren’t the stupidest laws on the books.
5. What happened to the Inappropriate Mime? Way before YouTube, there was a site called burlybear.com. They had a video called “The Inappropriate Mime.” It was funnier than pretty much 99% of the other stuff out there now. The site’s gone now, and the video has disappeared off the face of the web. It featured a mime taking a dump in his hand and eating it, blowing his brains out and throwing them at onlookers, doing a double handjob from his knees, etc. It was brilliance. Now it’s gone.
6. Where did they hide Micheal Mahoney? The unfortunate looking newsman has virtually disappeared from KMBC 9 News in Kansas City. I think it has something to do with their switch to high definition. You’re a badass Mahoney, and that says a lot. You’re ugly as sin, and you spell “Michael” incorrectly. You’re making up a lot of ground somewhere. I think you should start going by Micheal “Cajones” Mahoney. P.S. Bring back the stache’
7. Pizza Shoppe is the only pizza place where you’ll regret not getting a salad. It’s the pink stuff.
8. Nick Nolte was chosen to lead the straight-to-video-on-demand revolution. This troubles me. He also reproduced last month without authorization.
9. There is way too much product placement in Talladega Nights. I know it’s a film about NASCAR, but they milk that for every cent it’s worth. This movie is also about 30 minutes too long.
10. The name brand TiVo machine has a much better fast-forward feature than the cable companies’ version. You can sit back, fast-forward, and once you notice a scene, hit play. It will magically take you back to the perfect spot every time. You have to sit on the edge of your seat with the cable company DVR and squint at the screen and just hope you press play at the right time. TiVo just needs to hurry up and license that shit out to the cable companies.
“Made in China” sure doesn’t have the sweet ring that it used to. Check out what they’re putting in our toys now.
Aqua Dots, which features small beads that bond with water, are made with a chemical the body converts to gamma-hydroxy butyrate, commonly known as the date-rape drug. Two children in the U.S. who swallowed the beads became comatose, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission said in a statement. The children recovered.
The Date-Rape Drug is in toys now? Stop toying (teehee) with us, China. We all know you’re trying to sink the United States by trying to force a seedy, underground, toddler-date-rape society on us.
BTW, I don’t recall licking and swallowing toys when I was a child, but I am a little curious about the chemical compounds sure to exist in some of my old toys.
Hollywood writers are on strike. We’re already screwed with late night television, and scripted shows could go into reruns next.
Yes, it will be annoying if the strike affects our TV watching, but the idea of the picket line bothers me more.
If I were asked to be in a picket line, I’d refuse and go watch some cartoons or something. Shouldn’t I enjoy my striking experience? The fact that I’m not at work should me more than enough to let them know I’m not working.
WTF?
Lou Dobbs says:
As I say in my new book — Independents Day: Awakening the American Spirit — the arrogance of our political leaders now threatens the future of our nation, and their elitist sense of entitlement has reached such heights that our leaders are now openly dismissive of the will of the people. Working men and women and their families are simply not being represented in Washington.
You might have a point, Dobbs, but do you have to preface it with “As I say in my new book”?
This is also why the book is never as good as the movie.
Have you ever read a quote from a famous person, and you can almost hear them saying it? They usually have to have a distinct voice. Michael Jackson has this power over me in this article about an article about the 25th anniversary of “Thriller.”
Michael Jackson knows his reputation as a freak — but just ignores it. “I don’t pay attention to that,” the 49-year-old singer tells Ebony magazine. “In my opinion, it’s ignorance. It’s usually not based on fact. … Every neighborhood has the guy who you don’t see, so you gossip about him. You see those stories about him, there’s the myth that he did this or he did that. People are crazy!”
I love quotes with exclamation points in them. How loud do you think Michael Jackson’s voice got when he exclaimed “People are crazy!”? Do you suppose he jumped out of his chair? Were his arms aflutter? Did his wig fall off as his body quaked in exclaiming goodness? Seriously, I want to know how you can tell if Michael Jackson is exclaiming something. I don’t think you can.
Have you heard about the baby with eight limbs?
Here are some of the twisted highlights:
“We’ve managed to remove the parasitic twin out of Lakshmi’s body and started reconstructing her pelvic bone. We have managed to get the pelvic bone together.”
The conjoined twin stopped developing in the mother’s womb, and has a torso and limbs, but no head. It was joined to Lakshmi at the pelvis.
When Lakshmi was born into a poor, rural Indian family, villagers in the remote settlement of Rampur Kodar Katti in the northern state of Bihar believed she was sacred. As news of her birth spread, locals waited in line for a blessing from the baby.
Her parents, Shambhu and Poonam Tatma, named the girl after the Hindu goddess of wealth who has four arms. However, they were forced to keep her in hiding after they were approached by men offering money in exchange for putting their daughter in a circus.
The article doesn’t explain why the baby needs to not have eight limbs. This troubles me. If there’s no medical emergency that calls for taking Octobaby’s powers away, shouldn’t they wait to ask her if she’d rather be an Octowoman, and deal with the “freak show” label, or if she’d rather lose her powers and live a normal, boring life?
Sadly, Octobaby never had a choice.
Me, dad and the bros went to the KU-Fort Hays State basketball game tonight.
KU started with a 14-2 lead, so I thought we’d end up with seven times the points of Fort Hays State. 93-56 was the final. That isn’t even double their points. Weak. How come no team ever ends up with seven times the points of their opponent when they start out at that pace? Something smells fishy, almost tuna-like.
I hadn’t been to Allen Fieldhouse since college, so it was nice to be back. They’ve made some changes since the last time I went, so I need to bitch.
The new videoboard is nice, but I kind of miss the old Lite-Brite model.
With the new scoreboard came a new sound system. I worried they’d start underutilizing the band as a result. They did. Before announcing the opening lineup, they played some cheesy video with U2 playing in the background. No thanks.
The band is tiny compared to what it used to be. I bet they get 1/3 the number of seats they used to. Lew Perkin$ mu$t’ve $een an opportunity to $ell $ome more $eats (note the clever u$e of “$” in thi$ $entence, indicating Lew’$ lu$t for money$). Even though the Fieldhouse wasn’t packed, it was often hard to hear the band from across the court. This was never the case before.
There were a couple of improvements. The student section has a new free throw distraction technique that I liked, and they hold the last note on the “oh oh oh oh” song. It sounds cooler this way.
The people in front of us annoyed me. These little brats got hot dogs, a $10 bucket of popcorn, Coke, and Dippin’ Dots ice cream. That’s some spoiled bullshit. We moved to a different section with less than 10 minutes left in the game. Luckily, some nice girl in snow boots warned us not to sit in the seats where someone puked.
We parked at the Lied Center, and got to walk across “Decapitation Bridge.” There was a horrifying accident at this bridge where a K-State fan lost his head on the way to a football game. Thanks to the time change, it was too dark for me to point out the chalk outline of the fan’s head, left behind by accident reconstruction. Last time I checked, there’s a circle outline where the dude’s head met the bridge, complete with calculations written inside (x+y=no more head attached to your torso).
