Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

There's a lot to look forward to, especially with the stars' benevolent rays beaming on your social calendar. Friday: try out that new melon baller!

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Your friends just love talking to you, and it's no wonder. You’ve been popping Altoids.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Your romantic interest is giving you mixed signals: 'Come closer, no wait -- now go away.' Oh, you’re playing the hokey pokey? Nevermind.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You want things to go one way, but a loved one has different ideas about what should happen next. Decisions, decisions. It happens every time you try to make a Screech Smut Tribute Video.

Stooks Proverb: You can’t run with the hare and hunt with the hounds. Flip-flopping hasn’t been cool since John Kerry came in and dorked it all up.