Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Blazing a new trail isn't easy, but the effort will be worth it. People will know you're a force to be reckoned with once you’ve completed your Hasselhoffro.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Trying to figure out what's really going on in someone else's head is a fool's game, unless it’s Britney Spears’ head. That’s a challenging game for the whole family.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Take other people's comments with a grain of salt, and you'll be much better off. Nothing you sign up for now is set in stone. Luckily, the rule of Columbia House has come to an end.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Pay attention to how you're allocating your energy these days. If it's well spent, you'll end up getting more done than you thought possible. If not, you’ll end up the youngest kid from Home Improvement.

Stooks Proverb: A miss is as good as a mile. And when you’re aiming at Louie Anderson’s ass, it’s all the more embarrassing.