Clearing the notepad
My notepad is full of ideas that seemed a lot better in the drunk of night than in the light of day. Instead of having a bunch of ideas staring at me, I thought I'd clear out some of those unused notes. Enjoy.
1. No blankets allowed on a bar's patio. I was on the Maloney's patio for my friend Geoff's birthday, and some clown went to his car to retrieve blankets. If you're cold, go inside.
2. Meridith Vieira is hot and doesn't get credit for it.
MILF
3. That waitress at Jose Peppers. I went to Jose Peppers with my brother Tom and his girlfriend awhile back. The waitress was training some new guy. She had this attitude of "I'm the waitress in charge of training new wait staff, blah blah blah" and came off like a snooty, know-it-all bitch. Karma caught up with her. She spilled water all over the table. Tom looked at the waiter-in-training and said "that's not what you're supposed to do."
4. Kansas liquor laws. I know I'll get inspired enough to do a full-on post someday, but here's what I got for now. Some places in Kansas still don't have liquor on Sundays, and you can't buy liquor at the grocery store. Bars can't have a happy hour. Somebody explain how these aren't the stupidest laws on the books.
5. What happened to the Inappropriate Mime? Way before YouTube, there was a site called burlybear.com. They had a video called "The Inappropriate Mime." It was funnier than pretty much 99% of the other stuff out there now. The site's gone now, and the video has disappeared off the face of the web. It featured a mime taking a dump in his hand and eating it, blowing his brains out and throwing them at onlookers, doing a double handjob from his knees, etc. It was brilliance. Now it's gone.
6. Where did they hide Micheal Mahoney? The unfortunate looking newsman has virtually disappeared from KMBC 9 News in Kansas City. I think it has something to do with their switch to high definition. You're a badass Mahoney, and that says a lot. You're ugly as sin, and you spell "Michael" incorrectly. You're making up a lot of ground somewhere. I think you should start going by Micheal "Cajones" Mahoney. P.S. Bring back the stache'
Mahoney in reverse-chronological order of bestachedness (from left to right)
7. Pizza Shoppe is the only pizza place where you'll regret not getting a salad. It's the pink stuff.
8. Nick Nolte was chosen to lead the straight-to-video-on-demand revolution. This troubles me. He also reproduced last month without authorization.
9. There is way too much product placement in Talladega Nights. I know it's a film about NASCAR, but they milk that for every cent it's worth. This movie is also about 30 minutes too long.
10. The name brand TiVo machine has a much better fast-forward feature than the cable companies' version. You can sit back, fast-forward, and once you notice a scene, hit play. It will magically take you back to the perfect spot every time. You have to sit on the edge of your seat with the cable company DVR and squint at the screen and just hope you press play at the right time. TiVo just needs to hurry up and license that shit out to the cable companies.
1. No blankets allowed on a bar's patio. I was on the Maloney's patio for my friend Geoff's birthday, and some clown went to his car to retrieve blankets. If you're cold, go inside.
2. Meridith Vieira is hot and doesn't get credit for it.
MILF
3. That waitress at Jose Peppers. I went to Jose Peppers with my brother Tom and his girlfriend awhile back. The waitress was training some new guy. She had this attitude of "I'm the waitress in charge of training new wait staff, blah blah blah" and came off like a snooty, know-it-all bitch. Karma caught up with her. She spilled water all over the table. Tom looked at the waiter-in-training and said "that's not what you're supposed to do."
4. Kansas liquor laws. I know I'll get inspired enough to do a full-on post someday, but here's what I got for now. Some places in Kansas still don't have liquor on Sundays, and you can't buy liquor at the grocery store. Bars can't have a happy hour. Somebody explain how these aren't the stupidest laws on the books.
5. What happened to the Inappropriate Mime? Way before YouTube, there was a site called burlybear.com. They had a video called "The Inappropriate Mime." It was funnier than pretty much 99% of the other stuff out there now. The site's gone now, and the video has disappeared off the face of the web. It featured a mime taking a dump in his hand and eating it, blowing his brains out and throwing them at onlookers, doing a double handjob from his knees, etc. It was brilliance. Now it's gone.
6. Where did they hide Micheal Mahoney? The unfortunate looking newsman has virtually disappeared from KMBC 9 News in Kansas City. I think it has something to do with their switch to high definition. You're a badass Mahoney, and that says a lot. You're ugly as sin, and you spell "Michael" incorrectly. You're making up a lot of ground somewhere. I think you should start going by Micheal "Cajones" Mahoney. P.S. Bring back the stache'
Mahoney in reverse-chronological order of bestachedness (from left to right)
7. Pizza Shoppe is the only pizza place where you'll regret not getting a salad. It's the pink stuff.
8. Nick Nolte was chosen to lead the straight-to-video-on-demand revolution. This troubles me. He also reproduced last month without authorization.
9. There is way too much product placement in Talladega Nights. I know it's a film about NASCAR, but they milk that for every cent it's worth. This movie is also about 30 minutes too long.
10. The name brand TiVo machine has a much better fast-forward feature than the cable companies' version. You can sit back, fast-forward, and once you notice a scene, hit play. It will magically take you back to the perfect spot every time. You have to sit on the edge of your seat with the cable company DVR and squint at the screen and just hope you press play at the right time. TiVo just needs to hurry up and license that shit out to the cable companies.
Labels: bars, food, movies, random nonsense, restaurants, tv, ugly people
2 Comments:
I would like to comment on your list of 10.
#1 agreed.
#2 that photo of Merditih Vieira is airbrushed so much that she probably doesn't even have clothes on, those are air brushed on too. She is not that good looking...watch some old episodes of "the view" sometimes and those wrinkles will come out full force.
#3 Karma at it's best.
#4 Agreed
#5 I do miss the Mime. I think that was our first internet experience together, Stooks
#6 Did you also notice that Sweet Micheal has a lisp? Kinda bothersome....
#7 Indifferent, but most pizza places have great salad bars
#8 Nick Nolte is old and wrinkley too. Maybe him and Meridith should get together and have a wrinkle fest.
#9 I have yet to make it through Talladega Nights with out falling asleep, so I'm not exactly what the product cout comes to
and last but not least...
#10 Tivo's are good for that aspect, but the fact that you can only record one thing at a time, and if you are also watchin TV have to watch what you are recording is rediciould. Hopefully they have fixed this, but if not...then the cable companys are still one up.
Hope you enjoy...
Wow, Heath, what a display of comment depth. Especially for your first comment ever. Allow me to respond to a few of your points.
2. Funny, but how dare you speak such blasphemy of Meredith Vieira? BTW, thanks for reminding me to go back through my archive of The View.
5. No wonder you hate me.
6. Yeah, forgot about the lisp somehow. That further cements his "badass despite many drawbacks" status.
7. Wow, you're way off on this. I'll bring some Pizza Shoppe over some time.
8. Nick better not even dream of interacting with my sweet Meredith.
10. "Rediciould?" I know it has something to do with "ridiculous" but you're gonna have to break that down for me sometime.
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