Thanksgiving dinner is hours away, and I can only hope that I'm not too late in posting this warning.

At Thanksgiving, you will eat something you wouldn't otherwise ever eat. If it's a potluck occasion, you're doubly screwed. You see, there's always one frightening dish at every Thanksgiving dinner. And, you'll have to eat it.

It doesn't matter your position in the buffet line, either.

If you're at the front of the line, you'll think "Oh no, no one will eat that filthy gelatin-based specimen. I better take some so Aunt Sylvia's feelings won't get hurt." Then, at the end of the meal, you'll try to hide the completely uneaten dish under the discarded hard outer layer from the ham.

If you're at the end of the line, you'll encounter a completely untouched casserole. Obviously, you'll take some, as to again avoid an Aunt Sylvia meltdown.

After all this charity work, you'll then have to lie about how good it was, or about how you would love to eat more if you weren't so full.

Labels: fatties, food, holidays, thanksgiving

My notepad is full of ideas that seemed a lot better in the drunk of night than in the light of day. Instead of having a bunch of ideas staring at me, I thought I'd clear out some of those unused notes. Enjoy.

1. No blankets allowed on a bar's patio. I was on the Maloney's patio for my friend Geoff's birthday, and some clown went to his car to retrieve blankets. If you're cold, go inside.

2. Meridith Vieira is hot and doesn't get credit for it.



3. That waitress at Jose Peppers. I went to Jose Peppers with my brother Tom and his girlfriend awhile back. The waitress was training some new guy. She had this attitude of "I'm the waitress in charge of training new wait staff, blah blah blah" and came off like a snooty, know-it-all bitch. Karma caught up with her. She spilled water all over the table. Tom looked at the waiter-in-training and said "that's not what you're supposed to do."

4. Kansas liquor laws. I know I'll get inspired enough to do a full-on post someday, but here's what I got for now. Some places in Kansas still don't have liquor on Sundays, and you can't buy liquor at the grocery store. Bars can't have a happy hour. Somebody explain how these aren't the stupidest laws on the books.

5. What happened to the Inappropriate Mime? Way before YouTube, there was a site called burlybear.com. They had a video called "The Inappropriate Mime." It was funnier than pretty much 99% of the other stuff out there now. The site's gone now, and the video has disappeared off the face of the web. It featured a mime taking a dump in his hand and eating it, blowing his brains out and throwing them at onlookers, doing a double handjob from his knees, etc. It was brilliance. Now it's gone.

6. Where did they hide Micheal Mahoney? The unfortunate looking newsman has virtually disappeared from KMBC 9 News in Kansas City. I think it has something to do with their switch to high definition. You're a badass Mahoney, and that says a lot. You're ugly as sin, and you spell "Michael" incorrectly. You're making up a lot of ground somewhere. I think you should start going by Micheal "Cajones" Mahoney. P.S. Bring back the stache'



7. Pizza Shoppe is the only pizza place where you'll regret not getting a salad. It's the pink stuff.

8. Nick Nolte was chosen to lead the straight-to-video-on-demand revolution. This troubles me. He also reproduced last month without authorization.

9. There is way too much product placement in Talladega Nights. I know it's a film about NASCAR, but they milk that for every cent it's worth. This movie is also about 30 minutes too long.

10. The name brand TiVo machine has a much better fast-forward feature than the cable companies' version. You can sit back, fast-forward, and once you notice a scene, hit play. It will magically take you back to the perfect spot every time. You have to sit on the edge of your seat with the cable company DVR and squint at the screen and just hope you press play at the right time. TiVo just needs to hurry up and license that shit out to the cable companies.

Labels: bars, food, movies, random nonsense, restaurants, tv, ugly people

I ate some Totino's Party Pizza last weekend. It was the first time I've noshed on Totino's in forever. My timing always blows, as indicated in this news:

Almost five million Totino's and Jeno's frozen pizzas with pepperoni toppings are being recalled because the pepperoni may be contaminated with E. coli.

What did I do to deserve this? I know I have had diarrhea at least once since the ingestion, so I could easily be hosed. Do they actually expect people who buy Totino's to be willing to return them?

The frozen pizzas were produced in its Wellston, Ohio, plant and distributed throughout the United States. The plant is currently making other pizzas, but not with pepperoni, General Mills spokesman Tom Forsythe said.

Does this mean we won't be able to get pepperoni topping on Totino's Party Pizzas at any store? Have they taken them off the shelves completely? If not, you'd better run to the store before they start price gouging. If they are off the shelves, I hope you have a padlock for that Totino's stockpile in your freezer. This could get messy like the bloody excrement of an E. coli victim.


Side note: People who eat Jeno's pizzas probably do deserve E. coli.

Side note 2: I always thought the sausage was most likely to be tainted. Go figure.

Labels: disease, food

If you've ever gone to the gas station just to buy beef jerky, there's something wrong with you.

Labels: food, gas stations

Big news: Hardee's is still in business. Every couple of years, Hardee's introduces a filthy food item to generate some press coverage and remind the world (or the part of the world that isn't Carl's Jr.) that they still exist.

Hardee's on Monday rolled out its new Country Breakfast Burrito -- two egg omelets filled with bacon, sausage, diced ham, cheddar cheese, hash browns and sausage gravy, all wrapped inside a flour tortilla. The burrito contains 920 calories and 60 grams of fat.

The fat police are all over this one. If they catch you eating one, they'll show you pictures of Star Jones before and after gastric bypass. You get it? Because you'd get all fat like Star Jones, then get gastric bypass, and then look like the somehow-more-horrifying skinny version. Ha!

Labels: fatties, food