Rather than go to Arrowhead Stadium for KU-MU, we went to Ugly Joe's at 103rd and State Line. You see, Arrowhead is clearly in Missouri. Ugly Joe's is right on the border, making it more suitable for the whole "Border War" mentality. Yeah, that's it.

It was almost a 50/50 KU-MU crowd. Obviously, a similar crowd was at Arrowhead. Mixing crowds 50/50 is probably the most ideal situation for fights to break out. Without one dominant group to keep the other in check, total chaos is possible. Sadly, I didn't observe one fight.

As a KU fan, I was surprised that another KU fan was my first nomination for an ass kicking. We got there two hours before kickoff, and he started a new "Rock Chalk Chant" every five minutes leading up to the game. Luckily, some dumbass MU fans redeemed themselves at the end of the game with the flawed "Overrated" cheer. If you cheer "overrated" at the team you're beating, aren't you demeaning your team in the process? Shouldn't you somehow cheer "underrated" about your team?

Luckily, a waitress with a tattooed muffin top was there to lighten the mood. Look at how she just shoves the credit card folder right into the folds of her back.


The muffin top was more frightening earlier in the evening, but I only got the balls/drunkenness to use my camera's flash at the end of the night.

Our more attractive waitress did a suitable job, even though she disappeared for a half hour at one point. Two other waitresses ended up bringing our food out. When did it become standard practice for your waitress to avoid bringing you your food? This happens to me more times than not.

This ketchup bottle is terrible:


Chris struggled to control the amount of ketchup flowing from the ill-conceived wide-mouth bottle. In fact, so much ketchup poured out, he had to spend a couple of minutes dipping his fries onto the mass of ketchup on his bun.

Ugly Joe's is one of the only establishments to have the bathroom door handle on the correct side of the door. Every public restroom should have the handle on the outside of the door. After you wash your hands, you can just back your way out of the restroom like a surgeon. I'm not sure who's responsible for the majority of restrooms using the inside "filth handle" technique, but they have to be benefiting from the spread of coliform.

A group of lesbians sat behind us. One of them was a lesbian Johnny Sack, of "The Sopranos" fame.



These lesbians were tolerable. None of them were wearing a pink "insert your school logo here" shirt. These shirts make you wonder whether there are women who simply can't go one day without wearing pink. While we're on the subject, you don't look that good in pink, sweetheart.

Labels: bars, gay, girls, jayhawks, kansas city, mizzou, restaurants, restrooms

My notepad is full of ideas that seemed a lot better in the drunk of night than in the light of day. Instead of having a bunch of ideas staring at me, I thought I'd clear out some of those unused notes. Enjoy.

1. No blankets allowed on a bar's patio. I was on the Maloney's patio for my friend Geoff's birthday, and some clown went to his car to retrieve blankets. If you're cold, go inside.

2. Meridith Vieira is hot and doesn't get credit for it.



3. That waitress at Jose Peppers. I went to Jose Peppers with my brother Tom and his girlfriend awhile back. The waitress was training some new guy. She had this attitude of "I'm the waitress in charge of training new wait staff, blah blah blah" and came off like a snooty, know-it-all bitch. Karma caught up with her. She spilled water all over the table. Tom looked at the waiter-in-training and said "that's not what you're supposed to do."

4. Kansas liquor laws. I know I'll get inspired enough to do a full-on post someday, but here's what I got for now. Some places in Kansas still don't have liquor on Sundays, and you can't buy liquor at the grocery store. Bars can't have a happy hour. Somebody explain how these aren't the stupidest laws on the books.

5. What happened to the Inappropriate Mime? Way before YouTube, there was a site called burlybear.com. They had a video called "The Inappropriate Mime." It was funnier than pretty much 99% of the other stuff out there now. The site's gone now, and the video has disappeared off the face of the web. It featured a mime taking a dump in his hand and eating it, blowing his brains out and throwing them at onlookers, doing a double handjob from his knees, etc. It was brilliance. Now it's gone.

6. Where did they hide Micheal Mahoney? The unfortunate looking newsman has virtually disappeared from KMBC 9 News in Kansas City. I think it has something to do with their switch to high definition. You're a badass Mahoney, and that says a lot. You're ugly as sin, and you spell "Michael" incorrectly. You're making up a lot of ground somewhere. I think you should start going by Micheal "Cajones" Mahoney. P.S. Bring back the stache'



7. Pizza Shoppe is the only pizza place where you'll regret not getting a salad. It's the pink stuff.

8. Nick Nolte was chosen to lead the straight-to-video-on-demand revolution. This troubles me. He also reproduced last month without authorization.

9. There is way too much product placement in Talladega Nights. I know it's a film about NASCAR, but they milk that for every cent it's worth. This movie is also about 30 minutes too long.

10. The name brand TiVo machine has a much better fast-forward feature than the cable companies' version. You can sit back, fast-forward, and once you notice a scene, hit play. It will magically take you back to the perfect spot every time. You have to sit on the edge of your seat with the cable company DVR and squint at the screen and just hope you press play at the right time. TiVo just needs to hurry up and license that shit out to the cable companies.

Labels: bars, food, movies, random nonsense, restaurants, tv, ugly people

I went to Old Chicago for a couple of drinks tonight. I got busted in a "Do I know her?" stare.

We were sitting at the bar, and a red head moved into my peripheral vision. I glanced over, and thought I might know her. So I kept staring, even narrowing my eyes to tighten my focus. I inched closer and closer to declaring her an acquaintance. Just then, she looked over and caught me in my squinty stare. That's when I realized I had no clue who she was, and she likely guessed I was just some creep who tries to squint his way into girls' pants. Not a bad guess.

Labels: bars, girls

We went to the 810 Zone on the Plaza to watch the MU and KU games yesterday.

They have touchscreen computers in the booths. You can watch TV, play games or go online. It's a pretty cool idea. Our particular computer was dicked, though. It wouldn't let us select any of the options.

They rebooted the machine several times, but it didn't help. The waitress joked that we should just hit the screen to try to fix it.

At that moment, I realized Fonzie couldn't fix shit in the digital age.

Labels: bars, restaurants, RIP, tech

It's been too long since I last blogged about karaoke. We went to The Red Balloon last night. If you're unfamiliar, it's one of Kansas City's only bars with karaoke seven days a week.

Surprisingly, the DJ was the only thing that bugged me about the place. He was in the early stages of growing a wizard's beard, or maybe he was settling on a wizard's goatee. Every couple of songs he would walk around the seating area, either to smoke or do some coke off the toilet. While walking, he would lip sync to every song on the karaoke. That's annoying.

Labels: annoyances, bars, kansas city

I went to Tomfooleries for happy hour last night.

The food was great, the drink specials were on target, but the bathroom situation was a little disconcerting. We sat in the fairly new upstairs area, which probably seats about 100 people, maybe more. One unisex toilet was in place to serve this area.

Here's why you shouldn't have a unisex bathroom:

1. You don't know if someone's in there. You have to check the door handle, frightening the person inside, and possibly yourself if the door ends up unlocked, and Mangino's twin is dropping a serious chicken fried steak bomb with the "hover technique."

2. Women. They take forever in there.

3. "The Piss Notch." That little notch in the front of the toilet seat encourages men to to urinate without lifting that filthy seat. This results in an even filthier seat. I don't think the Piss Notch was meant to be a Piss Notch at all. Rather, it's a "Don't Touch Other People's Genatalia Through Seat Interaction" Notch. Not quite as catchy.

Labels: bars, restaurants, restrooms, toilet