Missing some burgundy curtains? I think the Watson's Girl is wearing them.

Labels: tv

I can understand Norm MacDonald caving, but I thought there were enough "ugly evil guy" roles to keep Steve Buscemi from voicing a ginger bread man in a "Go Phone" commercial. The world ain't right.

Labels: advertising, tv

I hoped I wouldn't ever have to do this, but the day has come. Our country is facing impeding doom from robots.

The signs weren't immediately evident when they arrived 25 years ago, but time has exposed their insurrection. That's right, we can longer afford to ignore the Pat Sajak and Vanna White problem.



Vanna is 50, and Pat is an astounding 61 years old. No human skin can endure that many years under any light, let alone the bright lights of Hollywood and the cancerous California sun. Yet, Pat and Vanna stare, unblemished and eerily, through our TV screens each night as if it were still 1982's Wheel of Fortune.

At best, Sajak and Vanna's plastic surgeon is a witch doctor. At worst, Sajak and Vanna accomplish their youth by feasting on the brains of premature babies. I don't want to find out which is the truth.

Labels: tv

The writers' strike is a month old and might not end for awhile.

I don't think viewers are going to be as annoyed as you might think. We might even appreciate a break from having to watch our favorite TV shows. Maybe we'll learn to use our non-TV time so wisely, we won't stand for the existence of three CSIs, 20 seasons of ER, or one episode of Last Call with Carson Daly.

Reruns give us a chance to break our addiction to TV. If the networks don't realize this, the writers' strike will cost a whole lot more than Internet residuals.

Labels: tv

Carson Daly is making a huge mistake.

NBC's "Last Call with Carson Daly" is about to become the first late-night talk show to defy the writers strike and resume production. Daly, who is not a member of the Writers Guild, will begin taping new episodes of his Burbank-based show this week for airing next week.

Carson Daly's show is a catastrophe with his writing staff. Can you imagine how he'll be without it? I think it's time to start watching Carson Daly.

Labels: tv

I was pretty much through with this show, but got suckered into watching it last night. Rosie O'Donnell is on four episodes of Nip/Tuck this season. I'm sure it was her idea to have the "ass bandit" story line inserted (teehee). Seeing Rosie's face while a couple of digits plunged into her rectum was everything I hoped it could be. Excuse me, I must now try to un-invert my manhood.

Labels: assholes, celebrities, tv, ugly people

Before reading on, study the smiles on Bob Vila and Norm Abram.

Labels: assholes, tv

My notepad is full of ideas that seemed a lot better in the drunk of night than in the light of day. Instead of having a bunch of ideas staring at me, I thought I'd clear out some of those unused notes. Enjoy.

1. No blankets allowed on a bar's patio. I was on the Maloney's patio for my friend Geoff's birthday, and some clown went to his car to retrieve blankets. If you're cold, go inside.

2. Meridith Vieira is hot and doesn't get credit for it.



3. That waitress at Jose Peppers. I went to Jose Peppers with my brother Tom and his girlfriend awhile back. The waitress was training some new guy. She had this attitude of "I'm the waitress in charge of training new wait staff, blah blah blah" and came off like a snooty, know-it-all bitch. Karma caught up with her. She spilled water all over the table. Tom looked at the waiter-in-training and said "that's not what you're supposed to do."

4. Kansas liquor laws. I know I'll get inspired enough to do a full-on post someday, but here's what I got for now. Some places in Kansas still don't have liquor on Sundays, and you can't buy liquor at the grocery store. Bars can't have a happy hour. Somebody explain how these aren't the stupidest laws on the books.

5. What happened to the Inappropriate Mime? Way before YouTube, there was a site called burlybear.com. They had a video called "The Inappropriate Mime." It was funnier than pretty much 99% of the other stuff out there now. The site's gone now, and the video has disappeared off the face of the web. It featured a mime taking a dump in his hand and eating it, blowing his brains out and throwing them at onlookers, doing a double handjob from his knees, etc. It was brilliance. Now it's gone.

6. Where did they hide Micheal Mahoney? The unfortunate looking newsman has virtually disappeared from KMBC 9 News in Kansas City. I think it has something to do with their switch to high definition. You're a badass Mahoney, and that says a lot. You're ugly as sin, and you spell "Michael" incorrectly. You're making up a lot of ground somewhere. I think you should start going by Micheal "Cajones" Mahoney. P.S. Bring back the stache'



7. Pizza Shoppe is the only pizza place where you'll regret not getting a salad. It's the pink stuff.

8. Nick Nolte was chosen to lead the straight-to-video-on-demand revolution. This troubles me. He also reproduced last month without authorization.

9. There is way too much product placement in Talladega Nights. I know it's a film about NASCAR, but they milk that for every cent it's worth. This movie is also about 30 minutes too long.

10. The name brand TiVo machine has a much better fast-forward feature than the cable companies' version. You can sit back, fast-forward, and once you notice a scene, hit play. It will magically take you back to the perfect spot every time. You have to sit on the edge of your seat with the cable company DVR and squint at the screen and just hope you press play at the right time. TiVo just needs to hurry up and license that shit out to the cable companies.

Labels: bars, food, movies, random nonsense, restaurants, tv, ugly people

Hollywood writers are on strike. We're already screwed with late night television, and scripted shows could go into reruns next.

Yes, it will be annoying if the strike affects our TV watching, but the idea of the picket line bothers me more.

Labels: tv, wtf

Lou Dobbs says:

As I say in my new book -- Independents Day: Awakening the American Spirit -- the arrogance of our political leaders now threatens the future of our nation, and their elitist sense of entitlement has reached such heights that our leaders are now openly dismissive of the will of the people. Working men and women and their families are simply not being represented in Washington.

You might have a point, Dobbs, but do you have to preface it with "As I say in my new book"?

Labels: books, movies, politics, tv

America's been hankering for a Rosie fix. And we might finally get it.

Under one scenario, Ms. O’Donnell would be given the 9 p.m. slot each weeknight on MSNBC, where she would go head-to-head with two heavyweights of cable talk: “Larry King Live” on CNN and “Hannity & Colmes” on Fox News.

That's right, you'll be able to see the three ugliest faces on television at the exact same time.

Labels: media, tv, ugly people

"Family Ties" is a classic sitcom. MSNBC used the name "Family Ties" for a special on "a bitter custody battle," and utterly ruined my night after raising my hopes. If it weren't for Chris Matthews and Tim Russert, I'd be watching Fox News for this disgrace.

While we're on the topic, Tina Yothers thinks she can hide under a black wig to avoid public stonings for defecating on "Family Ties" with her mere presence on the show. Nice Try, Yothers. Chrissy from "Growing Pains" was better than you.

Labels: tv

Labels: media, tv

I'm watching the KU-Pitt State basketball game. The broadcast has already horrified me twice, only 30 minutes into the game.

First off, Sasha Kaun is sporting a giant pubic mass on his head. I hope to God he doesn't keep growing this thing out. It already looks much more pubic than the picture below.



UPDATE: Sasha looks like absolute death with 12 minutes to go.

Secondly, I saw one of those commercials where the athletes are sweating Gatorade. Can you believe these "sweating Gatorade" commercials are still around? I can't find it online, but it's the football one where the guy is sweating the piss-colored Gatorade, delivers a hit, more piss flies around, and then Bill Parcells shows up in a tollbooth and says something about a Golden Shower or something. I'm not sure, but it's weird as hell.

Labels: advertising, jayhawks, sports, tv

The New York Times is trying to give credit to "Grey's Anatomy" for inventing the word "vajayjay."

It began on Feb. 12, 2006, when viewers of the ABC series “Grey’s Anatomy” heard the character Miranda Bailey, a pregnant doctor who had gone into labor, admonish a male intern, “Stop looking at my vajayjay.”

I can't wait for "Grey's Anatomy" to "invent" other fun substitutes for "vagina." I just "invented" some other fun words for them to use: "coochie," "cooter," "hoohoo," "hooha," "tampon socket," etc. Come on, Grey's!

Note: My quotation mark key is tired.

Labels: fun with words, tv

Boyz II Men shocked the world when they sang "God Bless America" during the seventh-inning stretch. How did Boston land that act? Seriously, though, what's with all the gratuitous America loving? The Star Spangled Banner is more than enough. Here's a compromise: hand out American flag lapel pins to the first 15,000 fans, and don't take away our Jumbotron limbo time.

"He can find the monster with the right stroke." - Tim McCarver with Todd Helton at the plate in the 9th. This is a filthy thing to say, McCarver, and your dumb ass knows it.

I'm convinced that Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon is at least slightly retarded. Watch him clap at the baby in this commercial.





UPDATE: I forgot to mention the really long interview with the dude from Taco Bell talking about how everyone gets a free taco between 2 and 5 pm next Tuesday, the 30th. Thanks goes to Boston center fielder Jacoby Ellsbury for stealing the base, and thus helping America steal a Taco. USA! USA! USA!

Labels: sports, this is america, tv

I've stumbled upon an interesting conundrum.

When someone curses on a reality show, we get a beep. However, when someone curses on a movie edited for TV, we get "Yippie kayay, Mr. Falcon" (Die Hard 2).

Why did the beep ever go out of style for movies? Is the overdubbing union involved? The same overdubbing union that obviously killed Bruce Lee when he started speaking English for real?

Labels: tv

(5:47 podcast) Stooks contributer Shua called the Skype line (785.727.2291) and taught me all kinds of fun things, mostly about TV.

Labels: podcasts, tv

"The timing to bring the franchise back is perfect, and NBC is the ideal home." - Gladiators producer douche.

Look for it, minus Nitro, midseason. Maybe they could get him as an analyst. You can catch reruns on ESPN Classic. Here's Nitro talking about the event the Gladiators hated the most. One hint: it's not acting.

Labels: random nonsense, tv

Labels: random nonsense, tv