If you haven't put a Halloween costume together, Robert Goulet just handed you the perfect costume on a platter.

You see, when Goulet was in a hospital waiting for a lung transplant, he didn't really give you much to work with. What're you going to do? Dress up like Goulet in a hospital gown? Boring.

But now that Goulet has passed, you can pull of a Zombie Goulet costume with relative ease. Slick back the hair, throw on a mustache, some white makeup to make you pale, add some blood, and voilà!

Thanks, Goulet!

Labels: celebrities, halloween

1. Are you too old to trick or treat? You usually reach an age where you become "too cool" for Halloween. This typically occurs around the age of 13. A couple of years pass. You turn 16 and realize the value of free candy. It's at this point that you must decide whether free candy is worth the awkward stares and possible "Aren't you too old for Halloween?" exchanges. Doing this with no costume is a further sign of your desperation and dependence on free candy.



2. Are you a shitty house to visit? You can tell a lot about someone based on the candy they give on Halloween. If the wrapper tears and sticks to your candy, and you aren't poor, you are a terrible person. If you give out full-sized candy bars, you're snooty. You should land somewhere in between.



3. What about tricks? I don't know anyone who's given out a trick instead of a treat. Yet, "trick" comes first in the question "Trick or treat?" Are the kids sincere when asking "Trick or treat?" Would they really settle for a trick? I encourage you to learn some tricks to perform on Halloween. See if the kids will be content with a simple trick and no candy. Tip: I wouldn't suggest doing penis tricks. It's usually cold on Halloween. Incarceration is another consideration.

Labels: halloween

Okay, I ended up costumeless for last night's Halloween party. It was a little awkward at first, but a dozen Miller High Life Lite's seemed to improve the situation.

I relied heavily on the beard. If people asked, I told them I was Al from Home Improvement. They then chastised me for not wearing a flannel. I went on to explain that we haven't seen Al in ten years, so maybe he's updated his style.

My other costume excuse was that I was going as one of those douche bags who doesn't dress up for Halloween.

Learning the error of my ways, I've decided to leave a little note to refer to for next year's Halloween costume. I'm going to go as a girl who dresses up all slutty for Halloween. Every year, the ladies seem to top the sluttiness of the year before. It's amazing work. They are the real heroes of Halloween.

During a show this time last year, we talked about how easy girls are on Halloween.

Labels: girls, halloween

I'm screwed.

I need a costume for tonight, and I have no clue what to do. Children's costumes usually fit me to comedic effect, but I'm thinking that's a little played out.

I have a beard now, so I've been trying to think of ways to brainstorm off that, but all I'm coming up with is Al from Home Improvement. He's still top of mind, right?

Labels: halloween

From the Chicago Tribune:

About 7 percent of dog owners plan to purchase a Halloween costume for their pet this year, up from 4 percent in 2004.

This number seems low. Animals don't belong in costumes. I used to think dressing up babies in costumes was just as dumb, but at least they'll grow up to have an appreciation for Halloween. Dogs won't. They'll keep trying to paw off some stupid-ass hat, only to have their owner reattach the hat and tighten the string.

Unfortunately, it gets worse.

From the Kansas City Star:

Never seen a dog in a thong? Then you’ve never seen Carol Wells’ dogs dressed up for Halloween. This year her therapy-trained Dalmatians, Carmen and Jonah, are going to be Victoria’s Secret and Joe Boxer, respectively...

When she takes the dogs on their Halloween rounds of hospitals this year, Carmen will wear a thrift-store Victoria’s Secret bra, size 32A, and black lace panties with a hole cut out for her tail. Jonah will be a Chippendale dancer in a pinstripe vest, white collar, black bow tie and black Joe Boxer underwear with fake money tucked into the waistband...

"I do it because it gets a rise out of the people that we visit,” Wells said. “And it’s helpful especially with the seniors to get them to realize what time of year it is.”

Labels: halloween, old people, pets