Rather than go to Arrowhead Stadium for KU-MU, we went to Ugly Joe's at 103rd and State Line. You see, Arrowhead is clearly in Missouri. Ugly Joe's is right on the border, making it more suitable for the whole "Border War" mentality. Yeah, that's it.

It was almost a 50/50 KU-MU crowd. Obviously, a similar crowd was at Arrowhead. Mixing crowds 50/50 is probably the most ideal situation for fights to break out. Without one dominant group to keep the other in check, total chaos is possible. Sadly, I didn't observe one fight.

As a KU fan, I was surprised that another KU fan was my first nomination for an ass kicking. We got there two hours before kickoff, and he started a new "Rock Chalk Chant" every five minutes leading up to the game. Luckily, some dumbass MU fans redeemed themselves at the end of the game with the flawed "Overrated" cheer. If you cheer "overrated" at the team you're beating, aren't you demeaning your team in the process? Shouldn't you somehow cheer "underrated" about your team?

Luckily, a waitress with a tattooed muffin top was there to lighten the mood. Look at how she just shoves the credit card folder right into the folds of her back.


The muffin top was more frightening earlier in the evening, but I only got the balls/drunkenness to use my camera's flash at the end of the night.

Our more attractive waitress did a suitable job, even though she disappeared for a half hour at one point. Two other waitresses ended up bringing our food out. When did it become standard practice for your waitress to avoid bringing you your food? This happens to me more times than not.

This ketchup bottle is terrible:


Chris struggled to control the amount of ketchup flowing from the ill-conceived wide-mouth bottle. In fact, so much ketchup poured out, he had to spend a couple of minutes dipping his fries onto the mass of ketchup on his bun.

Ugly Joe's is one of the only establishments to have the bathroom door handle on the correct side of the door. Every public restroom should have the handle on the outside of the door. After you wash your hands, you can just back your way out of the restroom like a surgeon. I'm not sure who's responsible for the majority of restrooms using the inside "filth handle" technique, but they have to be benefiting from the spread of coliform.

A group of lesbians sat behind us. One of them was a lesbian Johnny Sack, of "The Sopranos" fame.



These lesbians were tolerable. None of them were wearing a pink "insert your school logo here" shirt. These shirts make you wonder whether there are women who simply can't go one day without wearing pink. While we're on the subject, you don't look that good in pink, sweetheart.

Labels: bars, gay, girls, jayhawks, kansas city, mizzou, restaurants, restrooms

Girls breasts are getting bigger with every generation. Check out this article and all the hilarious profile shots of grandma's tiny boobs, mom's medium boobs, and daughter's suffocation sacks. Here's one family's sample.


See how the smug, big-breasted look on the face of the youngest contrasts with the humble, washboard-chested look on grandma's face?

This breast phenomenon is all good news now, but what happens when this new generation's udders age and sag on their own journey toward grandma-hood? I foresee a bra industry unlike anything we've ever seen, producing multi-geared drawbridge-like contraptions to prevent this mutant National-Geographic boob from scraping against the pavement and/or getting stuck in wheelchair spokes.

Labels: girls, old people

I have a certain notorious Douglas County strip club as a friend on MySpace. I received the following bulletin and put my favorite parts in bold:

To everyone who works at the Outhouse, Amber-Zilla runs this promotional page for this club. As the promoter I feel it is necessary to delete this website as it is turning into a bar far different than the one I started working at. In fact, I quit the other night because it is just not worth the effort to come in and waste money to work out here anymore.

Jeff is a Nazi who demands and demands and gives nothing in return which is no way to run an establishment. He gives underage girls alcohol so they will sleep with him and he spreads STD's. This is not speculation or rumor, this is FACT. To everyone who is quitting, I say, GOOD JOB. You can make better money elsewhere and not deal with the shady bouncers or tyrannical owner of this place anymore.

FYI, all the girls who USED to work here now either work at Whispers, Bonita Flats and/or The Flamingo or Allstars. Allstars isn't that great of a place either but if you like R&B, you might try checking it out.

In fact I hear that 2 for 1 dances will now be going on all night every night, even in VIP. And also a little birdie told me that they will start doing 5 and 10 dollar dances instead of 20. Someone wants to lose employees it seems. Someone has become power hungry.

So, I am boycotting this place by erasing this site, I will give everyone a chance to read this bulletin and respond first.

Too bad it didn't remain a music venue as it originally started out as.

I haven't been to the Outhouse in ages. If anyone's heading that way soon, it still sounds like a pretty good time. Thanks for the reminder, disgruntled Outhouse employee! Don't forget: BYOB.

Labels: girls

Okay, I ended up costumeless for last night's Halloween party. It was a little awkward at first, but a dozen Miller High Life Lite's seemed to improve the situation.

I relied heavily on the beard. If people asked, I told them I was Al from Home Improvement. They then chastised me for not wearing a flannel. I went on to explain that we haven't seen Al in ten years, so maybe he's updated his style.

My other costume excuse was that I was going as one of those douche bags who doesn't dress up for Halloween.

Learning the error of my ways, I've decided to leave a little note to refer to for next year's Halloween costume. I'm going to go as a girl who dresses up all slutty for Halloween. Every year, the ladies seem to top the sluttiness of the year before. It's amazing work. They are the real heroes of Halloween.

During a show this time last year, we talked about how easy girls are on Halloween.

Labels: girls, halloween

She didn't serve us, but we had the pleasure of checking out quite the waitress at Chelley's Mexican Restaurant last night.

Then, someone pointed out that they thought she was likely too young. Then, there were the braces. So yeah, she was probably a bit too young. But Jon insisted that if a woman looks to be fertile, she should be fair game. I told him I didn't think it worked that way.

Labels: girls, mexican, restaurants

I went to Old Chicago for a couple of drinks tonight. I got busted in a "Do I know her?" stare.

We were sitting at the bar, and a red head moved into my peripheral vision. I glanced over, and thought I might know her. So I kept staring, even narrowing my eyes to tighten my focus. I inched closer and closer to declaring her an acquaintance. Just then, she looked over and caught me in my squinty stare. That's when I realized I had no clue who she was, and she likely guessed I was just some creep who tries to squint his way into girls' pants. Not a bad guess.

Labels: bars, girls