The Little Drummer Boy

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Poor Baby Jesus. First, he gets gold, a gift his non-materialistic world view could never appreciate. Then, he gets frankincense and myrrh, incenses he would only be able to appreciate in his later, hippie years. Finally, he gets bombarded with a surely horrifying, erratic drum performance from the Little Drummer Boy. Last I checked, a pounding drum doesn't exactly provide a soothing soundtrack for a newborn baby or his parents.

And how delusional is the Little Drummer Boy? Just look at the final lyrics of his song.

Then He smiled at me, pa rum pum pum pum
Me and my drum.

He's smiling because you stopped the incessant flailing of your limbs at your cheap drum, Little Drummer Boy. Shame on you. You're lucky Jesus is pretty laid back.

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Charity eating

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Thanksgiving dinner is hours away, and I can only hope that I'm not too late in posting this warning.

At Thanksgiving, you will eat something you wouldn't otherwise ever eat. If it's a potluck occasion, you're doubly screwed. You see, there's always one frightening dish at every Thanksgiving dinner. And, you'll have to eat it.

It doesn't matter your position in the buffet line, either.

If you're at the front of the line, you'll think "Oh no, no one will eat that filthy gelatin-based specimen. I better take some so Aunt Sylvia's feelings won't get hurt." Then, at the end of the meal, you'll try to hide the completely uneaten dish under the discarded hard outer layer from the ham.

If you're at the end of the line, you'll encounter a completely untouched casserole. Obviously, you'll take some, as to again avoid an Aunt Sylvia meltdown.

After all this charity work, you'll then have to lie about how good it was, or about how you would love to eat more if you weren't so full.


Is there feces in that?


Usually, these charity dishes have one dense, mystery ingredient. You'll stare at it for while before reluctantly bringing it to your lips. Upon the food's entering your mouth, it's necessary to smack your lips together, smashing the nasty food repeatedly between your tongue and the roof of your mouth. This technique helps to guess the ingredient. During this process, you should shift your eyes from side to side to help identify anyone who might be catching on to your tactics.

After completing your ass-erole, it's time for dessert. There will be at least as many dessert items as people attending. You'll have to eat the one good dessert item, as well as one charity item, likely topped with coconut.

I have one final thought before I let you go for your Thanksgiving festivities. I truly think the can-shaped, pre-made cranberry sauce is superior to the homemade stuff. But, once again, dirty looks will make you eat the inferior, ground-up-intestine-looking homemade crap.

Bon Appétit! Whoops, that's French. I meant "Freedom Appétit!"

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Thanksgiving



Why is Thanksgiving a month from Christmas?

Many people live far away from their families. Others just see each other on the major holidays regardless of location. Don't you think that's a bit too much "family time" all at once? Isn't it a bit too much food all at once, too? Shouldn't the holidays be spread more evenly across the calendar? And why do we put these major holidays right in months with the worst weather conditions? We're dumb.

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