Matt Stooks

Capricorn

Stop fretting — that news you’ve been waiting for is on the way, and it’s spectacular: that kid from the zoom, zoom commercial has been abducted by a Michael Jackson associate.

Gemini

The universe has a funny way of delivering gifts in the most unexpected wrapping paper: a flaming brown paper bag. And the gift is some kind of fecal. How confusing!

Libra

Your friends will understand that you need to go underground for a while. Just give them plenty of warning and slowly explain your plains to become King of the Sewer People.

Pisces

The stars say you should act now, or this little spate of boredom could become a regularly scheduled part of your programming. Bring back Billy Mays, already.

Stooks Proverb: Where there’s a will, there’s a way, unless Will’s last name is Baldwin.

Whitney didn’t mean it! The new rumor is: Bobby cheated on Whitney. Whitney put up with it. Whitney’s friends said she’s letting Bobby make a fool of her. Whitney thinks threatening divorce will win him back. Bobby says “see ya.”

“Crack is fun!”

From the same article: Joe Simpson, Jessica’s dad, takes photos of his daughters and sells them to the tabloids.

A lot of people think Oprah would be a good president. Including one particular dude. He’s a retired Kansas City (sigh) school teacher. He’s spent $65 thousand on an “Oprah for President” campaign. Oprah’s lawyer just served him a cease-and-desist letter for using Oprah’s name and picture on his website.

What shocking news! Ty Pennington just told The Enquirer about his “brain disorder.” He has ADHD. We already knew that. Or thought maybe Clorox was involved.

“Are my eyeballs shaking or is the world moving?”

Diddy says: you’re in charge of your future, kids!

Clay Aiken talked about rumors that he’s gay. He doesn’t say he is or isn’t, just that he sure gets sore in the ass after reading some of those articles.

This is really random: some Irish magazine called Tiger Woods wife, as well as the other U.S. Ryder Cup Team wives, “filth.” They also ran fake nudy shots of her. HAHA!

Tori Spelling will be on Smallville this season. Look into those eyes and tell me there isn’t something very, very frightening about Tori.

Mel Brooks co-wrote the pilot and will provide two of the voices for Spaceballs: The Animated Series. Sadly, it’s only going to be on the G4 network. WTF?

George Lucas is giving $175 million to the USC film school. Luckily, George just happened to have exactly $175 million cash stored in the second chin fold below his beard line.

“I also store various knick-knacks in there.”

Can’t get enough of the inside of Tom Green’s body? He’s filming his leg surgery for his online TV show.

Kate Moss is now a designer. America’s little girl is growing up.

Only recently have I realised how many people hate John Mayer. Here’s an interview where he recognizes how annoying he is to some.

Studio 60 debuted Monday night. Good show. I highly recommend. However, the show fell back on a Kansas joke implying we’re a state full of hicks and dumbasses.

We asked “Why does Hollywood hate Kansas so much?”

Segment 1 – “I’m from Cali. Blah, blah, blah.” (5:01)

Segment 2 – Kirstie and Don Johnson are responsible (3:28)

Segment 3 – “What about Montana?” (5:13)

Segment 4 – It’s all because the Wizard of Oz! (3:23)

Segment 5 – “I like Kansas, yes I do!” (4:04)

“I haven’t seen one tornado yet. This is horse crap.”

Here’s a fun break about rainbows (1:20).

The New Tickle Me Elmo: Pedophile edition (2:48).

This guy isn’t buying one more Tickle Me Elmo (2:00).

Leo

Think about how your actions affect you and others, from small gestures to large ones. It’s time to move beyond middle finger to something more along the lines of flaming bag of dog doo.

Sagittarius

A winning attitude can go a long way toward ensuring a degree of success, especially when it comes to new ventures. Think pink, be positive, strike up the band. Did I say “think pink?” I meant to say “Think of some badass color.” Maybe magenta.

Taurus

Is someone being extremely unreasonable in their demands? It’s time to stand up for your rights. You pee with the door open, and nothing anyone says will ever change that!!!

Virgo

Take your work, but not yourself, seriously. It’ll help you focus and keep your loyal supporters working hard. You need all of your keen perceptions and dedicated allies to face the next big project coming down the pike: water repellant underwear.

Stooks Proverb: Silence is golden. No gold if you’re a mute, though. Okay? OKAY?!!!

Lindsay Lohan may be moving to England. That seems about right to me.

Lohan’s ex, Aaron Carter, just got engaged to a Playboy Playmate. If you didn’t know, Aaron’s been blamed for a feud between Lohan and Hillary Duff. He dated both.

Now that Paramount has dumped Tom Cruise, rumors spread about Brad Pitt as the next Mission Impossible star. He’d play a different character with a different team, though.

Say it ain’t so, Hank! Hank Williams could stand trial for charges from a cocktail waitress. She says he “yelled obscenities” and choked her.

“Are you ready for some oxygen deprivation?”

Justin Timberlake will host the MTV Europe Music Awards. Traitor.

A new Hannibal book is coming out in December. It will be a prequel. Readers sure seem to have a thing for stories about eating human flesh.

One of these days, I want someone to explain Rachel Ray to me. She’s going to be on 20/20 this Friday. Stossel better be the interviewer.

The new Tickle Me Elmo is out. This one smacks his knee, falls to the floor, rolls over, and pounds his arms during his fits of laughter. I feel dirty just typing about it.

“You try singing with false teeth…”

During today’s show, I expressed astonishment that I couldn’t find a picture of Willie Nelson with a doobie in hand or even just exhaling smoke to go along with the story about him getting busted for pot.

Congratulations to Tom, who found one for us. “Willie Nelson Smoke” was the key phrase for Google to find it. I tried “Willie Nelson Joint,” “Willie Nelson High” and several other typical varieties of Willie searches that failed.

Aquarius

Get savvy about your finances. A few canny moves on your part could push you into an entirely new tax bracket: the one just above M.C. Hammer.

Cancer

It’s likely that boredom and restlessness will kick in today, but you can do something to ease the day. Break up the humdrum routine of work or school by planning a trip to the mall to buy something glamorous. Whether it’s an outfit or a Nixon mask, whatever you purchase is sure to be an upgrade.

Scorpio

Your natural panache comes in handy when you need to tell a story or gather people around a common cause. Your natural odor, however, doesn’t come in handy in those same situations.

Aries

It should be a fairly relaxed day. However, someone rather aloof and enigmatic is likely to catch your eye. Hamburglar gets you every time.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t air your dirty laundry in public. You’re simply too susceptible to those odd crotch stains.

A bad couple days for Lindsay Lohan.

First, she had a fight with her mom at a restaurant on her mom’s birthday. Her mom, Dina, had already been throwing back Cristal before Lindsay showed up. Lindsay was pissed at her mom, told her to “go to hell” and stormed out of the restaurant. Dina started crying and then spent 45 minutes typing on her BlackBerry and then more crying when her birthday cake came out. Then, she started throwing fortune cookies at the waiters and flipping them off. Then, she didn’t tip.

Meanwhile, Lindsay breaks her wrist after falling at some fashion party. Likely drunk.

Willie Nelson’s been arrested for marijuana possession. They had a pound-and-a-half on their tour bus. As a cop, isn’t it cheating to bust Willie Nelson for pot?

“Check me out! I’m even blazed off my ass as a cartoon!”

Katie Holmes is having doubts about marrying Tom Cruise. Rumor has it that she doesn’t know if she doesn’t want to commit to Tom, who is so controlling he makes the Church of Scientology review every script Katie Holmes looks at. She feels she doesn’t have a life of her own. Cue the Dawson’s theme.

LL Cool J’s coming back to TV in The Man. The title alone says how terrible this show has to be.

Mel Gibson’s daughter just married guitarist Kenny Wayne Shepard. Kenny Wayne Shepard is a bad ass. And he probably likes to drink. And I don’t think he’s Jewish.

Napoleon Dynamite’s wife is pregnant. He bothers me.

Way too many people think they can forward a message and suddenly find out who’s stalking them on MySpace.

This does not work, yet I get these things constantly.

This is nothing new to complain about, but if you think about it a little more, it’s kind of a creepy thing to want. You basically want a way to stalk the people who are stalking you.

Here’s our discussion (3:17).

In other show activity…

A Harry Potter fan excited about some recent news (3:17).

I also recommend you watch and listen to the following tweak to the Lord of the Rings ending.

Capricorn

Scrap the idea of being perfect and focus on having more fun. But remember: safety first when towing a shopping cart behind an ’87 S-10.

Gemini

Spontaneous invitations and chance meetings are plentiful. The stars encourage you to say yes to as many as possible. The stars encourage you to say no to sexually aggressive clowns…especially the kinky, midget kind that always try to introduce ponies into the bedroom.

Libra

Center stage is right where you belong. Soak up the spotlight and enjoy this moment before you dazzle the onlookers with all of your amazing talents. Oh, no! It’s that dream where you’re only wearing socks! And they’re only on your feet. And you’ve got that awkward case of rosacea.

Pisces

The excitement factor in your social life goes up a few notches. Get your friends together. Go dancing. Have a karaoke night! Kill a defenseless small animal.

Stooks Proverb: An apple a day keeps the doctor away. It also repels Mark Mangino.

Tom Cruise and Katie Homes’ rep says they’ll get married in the next three to six weeks. Just in time for the big day, Tom has finally won Katie’s grandma’s approval.

Britney Spears named her new son Sutton Pierce.

A bodyguard who applied to work for Brangelina has been arrested for impersonating a Homeland Security official. He was padding his resume to try to land the job. He even dressed up a Crown Victoria with some lights and “Homeland Security” decals.

Elton John has ended his feud with George Michael. It started when Elton said George was wasting talent just sitting at home. They also disagreed on which is better: top or bottom.

Congratulations to Pierce Brosnan on his environmental efforts and for posing with this terrifying facial hair.

“I’m a British pirate. Can’t you tell?”

Not really breaking news, but here’s an interesting take on why Elmo is a terrible character on Sesame Street.

Two corpses in two weeks on two different CSI sets. The latest was on the Miami set. A body washed ashore while they were filming a scene in Miami.

This guy’s mouth is full. (2:51)

One of our listeners is going to Hollywood! (2:50)

This guy has seen the Klan around JC. (1:27)

“Willem Defoe cut my hair.” (1:36)

Flaming homes on the highway/How’d you get into school? (3:56)

The Walmart cigarette line. (2:59)

Speaking of Walmart… (2:20)

“Oh no! It’s Hillazilla!!!”

Leo

Your natural state is zoom, zoom, zoom, but focus on each and every step, or things could go boom, boom, boom. I thought boom, boom, boom was a good thing.

Sagittarius

Someone in your life is intent on losing their head, but you remain calm. Guillotines are far too expensive for one person and usually require two people for operation.

Taurus

Someone close to you is toting a ‘Handle with Care’ warning. Punch them and call them a sissy. Then tell them you would call them worse, but they’re not worth the trouble.

Virgo

Silence gets your point across more effectively than a torrent of words today. Damn you and your stealthy flatulence.

Stooks Proverb: What you don’t know can’t hurt you. Bears can, though. Especially if you store your honey in your hair instead of one of those cute little bear bottles.

Whoops, I think I’m a little late on Jennifer Aniston topping the People’s best-dressed list. Halle Berry and Jessica Alba were #2 and #3, respectively.

It’s about time someone’s figured out Rachel Bilson is ten times more impressive than Mischa Barton. It looks like she’s been cast as the next Wonder Woman.

She also says she wants to leave The O.C. I’m pretty sure that show’s gone after this season, so if you’re still a fan, better enjoy it now.

I just watched the trailor for Apocalypto. It’s the new Mel Gibson movie. His hatred for Jews aside, it looks like it could be a good movie. I might have nightmares. I have no idea what it’s about.

Jennifer Lopez is set to play the wife of a salsa legend, played by Marc Anthony. El Cantante looks like it could be Gigli-level garbage.

Bob Barker’s celebrating his 35th year on The Price Is Right. He will most likely squeeze a BB’s boob to celebrate.

Ben Affleck’s figured out that he needed a break from being in movies because he was being typecast as “Ben Affleck.” I agree. What a terrible character to play.

Grey’s Anatomy’s Patrick Dempsey is expecting a second child. He’s one of those guys who women always talk about and love, and who guys could really deal without.

Dog the Bounty Hunter just got arrested in Hawaii on charges out of Mexico. Bounty hunting is illegal in Mexico. So they’re trying to extradite him to Mexico just to get a bribe? Seems a bit much.

Jay-Z is unretiring. The world is shocked. New CD November 21.

Here’s an odd story out of Lenexa about a kid who’s on six months probation for putting some G.I. Joe Survival Beverage in her coffee that apparently made her sick.

I knew people had done worse things to their teachers.

Segment 1 – Nun torture
Segment 2 – Tainting food/drinks/shoes

By the way, when we first started talking about this, we thought maybe the GI Joe Survival Beverage made her sick because the drink came out in the 80’s. It was actually bottled in 2000, and I can’t believe I’ve never seen or heard of it before.

In other show activity…

The High Lady on “Racist Survivor.”

The Johnny Kaw Radio Show. Today’s topic involves an embarassing movement downstairs.

Aquarius

You thrive on fresh influences. The stars say you may need to toss a few things to recharge your sense of inspiration. That rotten meat loaf in your fridge might be a good start. Even Mangino runs in horror from that thing.

Cancer

There will always be stresses present in day-to-day living. You can throw a tantrum like a kid, or you can learn to deal with them gracefully. I agree, kick and scream your way through this one.

Scorpio

Woe to the person who feels the need to challenge you — you’ve got witty retorts and dazzling debate techniques to spare. And with your “at least I’m not a fan of Hitler” zinger in your arsenal, no one can stop you.

Aries

You can quip and converse with the best of them. If someone wants to get into some deep issues, reschedule for later. Right now witty repartee is your forte. Profound topics could confuse you both. Especially since you just huffed a bottle of Off bug spray.

Stooks Proverb: Experience is the best teacher. Second best is that one woman who gave it up to that 14 year old.

Kevin Federline confirms he’s a father of another baby boy. “Mom and baby are doing well, thanks, but we’re all really tired.” Life & Style Weekly says Britney was craving a double cheeseburger and milkshake from In-N-Out Burger on the way to the hospital, but “Kevin refused to stop to satisfy Brit’s urge.” Then, she had his baby, and he satisfied her urge all night long in a desperate attempt to reimpregnate.

Wow, Whitney Houston has finally filed for divorce. You know, just yesterday we were talking about Kevin Costner’s comeback…anyone else smell BODYGUARD SEQUEL!!!!!!!

Some Russian politician wanted to have Madonna be a space tourist. Other Russians didn’t want it to happen. I wonder why.

Classic Lohan: she’s secretly married, but “Another source, however, says there’s trouble in paradise. Lohan and Morton had a nasty spat on Sunday when he got furious at her for flirting with a DJ, according to the London Mirror.” Nice use of the “flirting with the DJ” to cause a fight.

Same article, Stephen Baldwin says he’s praying for Tom Cruise’s soul. He’s a born-again Christian, who only knows six Commandments. Oh yeah, and he’s a Baldwin.

Nicole Richie says she still isn’t anorexic. “Stress” is it. The stress from having a cherry-red prosthetic fingernail repeatedly touching the back of your throat.

They found a mummified body at an offset scene while filming CSI: NY. They should pull a Double Impact and have Gary Sinise play the unmummified corpse of a murdered Lieutinant Dan.

The Kazakhstan President is flying in to meet with President Bush about Ali G’s Kazakh character, Borat. The new Borat movie is out in some places and the country doesn’t like the film makes them look. I’m not joking.

Rock Star: Supernova’s finale just got a little interesting. A judge says another band already owns that name, and new Supernova needs to go get themselves a name of their own.

No real new news on Mike Tyson’s new job working out in front of people in Vegas, but this is an interesting piece about his career and problems. I remember how cool he was when we were kids. What a messed-up dude.

Men’s Health has “7 Reasons to End a Friendship.” FYI: They’re all really lame reasons and I’ve never heard of a single guy officially ending a friendship. You just grow apart or you don’t.

Well, well, well, all women called in.

“We’re breaking up our friendship! Let’s kiss…”

We also talked about Chris’ dad picking on old people.

And we learned about an enticing offer to improve our mad art skills.

Capricorn

You know what you want done and you know how you want it to happen. Now if you could just afford Jenna Jameson, you’d have quite the film.

Gemini

It’s a hectic time, but it’s nothing you can’t handle. Just make sure you stay mentally and physically flexible. See if you can bend your leg over head and touch your conscience with your toe.

Libra

After all of the efforts you’ve made, you’re like a cat on a hot tin roof, and who can blame you? But luckily for the cat, it was neutered before it got on the hot tin roof, unlike you.

Pisces

Your friends have issues, so be a caring pal and lend a sympathetic ear. Believe it or not, your humanitarian impulses will increase your chances of romance. See, this is where being gay would really come in handy.

Stooks Proverb: Like father, like son. That’s why Jake Busey also picks broccoli out of his teeth with a pick axe.

They’d all come to a local bar to hear Canadian Dan Aykroyd perform a few numbers with the band.

“Oh, that guy. He’s in everything.”

Eddie Izzard is going to be in it, also. I know you need to see his face, too. Hold on.

“This is just one of my many faces.”

Jeopardy weirdo Ken Jennings wrote a book. He says he pretends to not know some things just to make people think they stumped him. What a pompous ass.

We took up a classic today: pooping at work.

First off, here’s some terminology that will help with this discusion.

Segment 2 – Pooping without walls
Segment 3 – A block of Velveeta

“Does the fake poop you use look a little too real? You need Insta-Poop!”

Leo

Engage that cranium, but remember to check in with your heart on a regular basis. You wouldn’t want to have everyone call you “Cheney Chest” again, would you?

Sagittarius

Believe it or not, a surprising turn of events is just what the doctor ordered…much better than dose after dose of the pink stuff.

Taurus

Don’t listen to what other people believe. The two most essential tools for succeeding in life are already at your disposal. All you need are love and that creepy guy from the KY warming massage commercial.

Virgo

Security concerns occupy most of your headspace right now. Oh, and lice. Buy that shampoo, already.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t judge a horse by its saddle. Do judge a horse by it’s ability to suck a pimento out of an olive with its nostril.

This is sad: Anna Nicole Smith gave birth in the Bahamas Thursday. They found her 20-year-old son dead in the same hospital.

The mole has returned! Cindy Crawford says she never admitted to using botox.

Jessica Simpson and her dad/manager are feuding again. She better watch out, or she’ll be giving spankings again.

Paris Hilton has filmed a movie called “Bottoms Up.” Jeez, that really sounds like a porno. However, it’s a legit movie. But, one of her co-stars you’ve never heard of says Paris doesn’t have talent and is always late. Double goodbye! Paris doesn’t remember anything from the past five years.

This article says Denise Richards and Richie Sambora will get married in May ’07. I will vomit.

Here’s an interesting read that includes PETA’s thanks for Steve Irwin’s death and this from Diddy: “I’m still the flyest mother[bleeper] out there. I’m still dictating what’s hot, what the flavor is, what dance should be done. I’m not trying to hold on to my youth — I’m just timeless, I guess.”

The Covenant made $9 million this weekend. It was the worst weekend box office in three years. Why don’t they just start putting out decent movies in the Fall instead of jamming them all into the summer? That really annoys me.

Interesting take from Brad Pitt on the photo below:

When a reporter revealed that she, too, was a new parent, the cameras went wild
again, as Pitt made a wacky face. “That’s the picture that’s going to end up (on
TV) when I have a breakdown,” Pitt said, laughing. “When I get arrested for a
DUI late at night, or make racial slurs or something. ‘See, we saw it coming.’ ”

We talked about “being whipped.”

All kinds of football action this weekend with the NFL back in action.

One guy called the show to find out the results from the Chiefs’ game (3:29).

Dick Cheney says…(0:31).

Aquarius

Your intellect receives a large dose of earthy common sense. Here it is: dirt is good for growing things.

Cancer

Yes, other people depend on you, but you need to make your own needs a priority, too. If you get too caught up crossing the t’s and dotting the i’s for others, your own life could start to fray at the edges. Although, it is important to not confuse “pool” with “poot.”

Scorpio

It’s amazing how good we humans are at making life more difficult. The next time you’re faced with a dilemma, pretend you’re an orangutan.

Aries

It’s time to get into some practical habits when it comes to your finances. Any little steps you take toward fiscal health will pay off exponentially. Just wait for double coupons before going on your Escolar-brand herpes ointment.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. It’s more efficient to divide the eggs into individual baskets for each person involved in the egging of your high school art teacher’s car.

Diddy needs to change his name again! Only in Britain, though. There’s a little-known music producer who’s been using the “Diddy” name since 1992.

Tom Cruise had a “decoy Suri” to throw off the media.

Brad Pitt says he’ll consider marrying Angelina when gay people can marry each other. A Star Magazine article says otherwise.

Ben Affleck just won the highest honor at the Venice Film Festival. He won best actor for Hollywoodland, a movie about the investigation into the death of 1950’s Superman. Has someone forgotten to remind him he’s supposed to be a loser?

I can’t really make fun of this, but you have to admit it’s odd: the White House says Clay Aiken is about to be appointed to the President’s Committee for People with Intellectual Disabilities.

Lindsay Lohan got her purse back! For some reason, she carries a million dollars worth of jewelry in there. I don’t know how she has room for her tequila in there.

50 Cent keeps his street cred intact: he was cited for a lane-change violation, and for having an expired license and no registration.

Jeff Probst is out defending the new Survivor: Racist.

David Gest has asked the judge to throw out a pre-nup he signed wit Liza Minneli. He said the contract is invalid because it doesn’t mention Liza’s herpes, alcoholism and short temper. Wow, Liza Minneli’s herpes is really something I didn’t plan on having to think about today.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest has become the third film to top $1 billion worldwide. Titanic grossed $1.8 billion and Lord of the Rings: Return of the King had $1.1 billion.

I’m surprised I hadn’t seen this earlier. It’s a video of Ben Affleck on some Montreal TV show while promoting Jersey Girl. At this point, he was between relationships with J-Lo and Jennifer Garner. So, he’s free to grope it up with the host of the show.

Dick Cheney needs to get on TV more.

He was on Meet the Press this morning. Tim Russert couldn’t resist asking him about hunting. Cheney said he hadn’t been hunting since he shot that dude in the face, but only because it’s not hunting season.

Take a listen to this funny exchange which ends with Russert being glad Cheney didn’t bring a shotgun into the studio.

Both College and NFL leagues have started their seasons.

It seems like almost everyone is caught up in a fantasy league or pick ’em league of some sort.

We thought we’d take advantage of this trend.

“Quentin’s ‘Can’t Miss’ Picks.” (4:32)

“Are you ready for some, whatever this he/she’s involved with?”

Free for All Friday

KSU Football/Paris gets what she deserves (3:13).

Leave Paris alone! (1:16)

High Lady on NFL/My friend’s wife (4:02).