Read about Paris Hilton: Activist. Paris Hilton is being praised by conservationists for highlighting the problem of binge-drinking elephants in northeastern India. Activists said a celebrity endorsement such as Hilton’s was sure to raise awareness of the plight of the pachyderms that get drunk on farmers’ homemade rice beer and then go on a rampage.…
My notepad is full of ideas that seemed a lot better in the drunk of night than in the light of day. Instead of having a bunch of ideas staring at me, I thought I’d clear out some of those unused notes. Enjoy. 1. No blankets allowed on a bar’s patio. I was on the…
Have you heard about the baby with eight limbs? As of this writing, the baby’s 40-hour surgery to remove her excess limbs is going quite well. Here are some of the twisted highlights: “We’ve managed to remove the parasitic twin out of Lakshmi’s body and started reconstructing her pelvic bone. We have managed to get…
I didn’t stay up late, I didn’t sleep in, and I ended up pissing away the only benefits of this whole time-change nonsense. When we lose an hour in the Fall, I know it’s going to end up being one of those days when I need a 24-hour day. The time-change benefits me in one…
I’m so proud of Christopher Burke for his Attorney General nomination. Which mortician is doing Laura Bush’s makeup? Oops, forgot the bite marks.
I changed the header of this website today. I think it’s fun. Especially since you can stare at the “Matt Stooks.com” part and it kinda messes with your head, thanks to it’s quasi-three-dimensionality. You see that!? How the subhead totally plays off the header? I kick ass.
All this Goulet talk has me thinking about Lou Ferrigno. “I’m twice the size of Chris Benoit, and I never even killed a kitten!”
Goddammit, pork chop, you burnt my tongue! Why you gotta smell so good to trick me into eating you before a proper blowing?
The Kansas City Star publishes many letters that make no sense. Here’s one, with my thoughts included: Rate your life To determine a proper medical treatment, you may be asked, “On a scale of 1 to 10, where is your pain?” With this information the doctor is better able to help. Where is my pain…
There are a number of ways people come to mattstooks.com. Most visitors have the site bookmarked, some come over from my MySpace, Facebook or YouTube pages. A few people come to the website through web search. Check out the breakdown of search strings that have brought people to the site this month. My personal favorites…
I’ve seen this “Dancer Test” a couple different places over the last week, and thought I’d share it with you in case you missed it. You’re supposed to look at the dancer spinning. Some people see her turning clockwise, and others see her turning counterclockwise. How you interpret her supposedly tells whether you’re right-brained or…
Today is Blog Action Day, where bloggers unite to spread the word on the environment. This is my contribution. If you believe extraterrestrial beings visit the Earth with any regularity, you bear more of the responsibility for keeping the planet clean. The Earth is your home. If you have people coming over to your house,…
If you have some lead-infused Chinese toys lying around the house, I’m thinking we should all get together and have another “Lick and paint with Bob Ross” party. I’ve got some G.I. Joes in my parents’ basement that will get me and at least five other people completely Schiavo-faced. First come, first served. Call dibs…
All the talk about Myanmar has me thinking about an old Seinfeld episode. Most articles about the current situation in Myanmar also refer to the country as Burma. Seinfeld tackled this more than ten years ago in “The Foundation,” originally airing on September 19th, 1996. If we haven’t figured out what to call it since…
I just got back from the bank. It was the one time in years that I needed to talk face-to-face with a banking official. It was a dead end, as today is Christopher Columbus Day. Private banks close on Columbus Day for reasons the public can never know. I’m thinking about joining the Columbus Day…
Dear Cauliflower, GO AWAY! Nobody likes you! You only exist because whoever invented the veggie tray had some extra room on there and said “maybe we can just throw some of that tard broccoli from the manure pile on there to balance out the look.” Somehow, it stuck. Plus, I’m guessing produce departments can pay…
I always find it funny when a bunch of people get pissed and go after a business, intending harm. The latest involves three businesses in Johnson County. A grand jury indicted them for promoting obscenity. Hollywood at Home for four DVDs, Spirit Halloween for obscene costumes, and Priscilla’s for five sex toys and a videos.…
Every time the noise meter comes on at Kauffman Stadium, I try my best to hush the crowd. “Shut up, it’s rigged! If everyone’s quiet, you’ll see!” They don’t listen. They just keep mindlessly screaming as the noise meter continues to climb, tricking all in attendance into thinking they just blew the top off the…
Poor Mrs. Butterworth. She’s fallen on hard times. Years removed from her TV stardom in the 80s, she’s turned to a life of gluttony, her face and defining curves disappearing into an undefined blob.
I’ve figured out what’s wrong with technology. All the people who appreciate the laziness technology affords don’t get off their asses to invent new stuff. The only reason an automated Jetsons-like shower doesn’t exist at this point is because all of us who think the process should be automated assume that some other lazy-ass will…
Don’t mess with a cop who looks like he needs vacation. Almost every time a cop shoots his gun or tases someone, he goes on “paid leave,” a.k.a. vacation. Obviously cops don’t typically shoot or tase people just to get time off, but it makes you think. “Fluorescent power enabled!”
I got burned last night by introducing myself to someone I’d met before. Every once in awhile, I get the feeling I don’t have the skills to succeed in society.
I was perusing my Facebook today when I stumbled upon this: Lars, are you selling out to the Internet? The Internet that cost you millions of dollars? Or is this just Facebook continuing its transformation into MySpace? For the sake of my fun, I’ll say Lars is selling out. Someone must’ve shown him a graph…
I’m flying to Chicago tomorrow morning for a little mini vacation from whatever it is I do. My friend Kevin and I are visiting Tony, some jerk we know from high school. Factoid: Tony’s nickname was Garden Hose in college. Like any trip or major holiday, it looks like I’ll have some kind of cold…
Enjoy this video from a Britney Spears ally. Note: contains language not suitable for small children or a touchy workplace.
This article’s way too long to read, but I get the impression that it proves, once and for all, that endurance training makes you age quickly. Let’s get one thing straight right off the bat: Endurance training is antithetical to anti-aging. So it amazes me when guys in their 40s and 50s who are training…
On my return trip from Big Lake, Missouri, I had the honor of discovering an interesting restroom configuration. As you know, most gas station restrooms are filthy, especially when located off the Interstate. While this restroom was clean and tidy, someone made the curious choice of putting a carpet square under the urinal. Yes, taking…
I had an interesting IM swap with Chris Casey moments ago.Stooks: Dermatologists in 12 cities offered a typical wait of eight days for a cosmetic patient wanting Botox to smooth wrinkles, compared with a typical wait of 26 days for a patient requesting evaluation of a changing mole, a possible indicator of skin cancer. Chris:…
I’ve decided I’m sick of hearing people say “Internets” and “Interweb.” I love Colbert as much as the next guy, but this is getting worse than overquoting Napoleon Dynamite. Originality, people! Bunch of pwned n00bs.
In my daily perusal of Craig’s List for marketing gigs, I found this (emphasis mine): We are looking for two individuals who are hard working and need a little extra cash. The job is to dress up as a mascot and wave to children during author signing. We are in need of two mascots for…