Matt Stooks

“Mickelson Boob” is the John Stossel Pick of the Week.

Basically, it’s a guy with boobs, who chooses to wear a form-fitting polo with no undershirt.

Here are the results, from the original “Mickelson Boob.”

Never make eye contact with a pair of Mickelson Boobs.

In other show activity…

I continue to struggle with my shower. I call the shower and try to work things out.

Free for All Friday

A perp, with his hands cuffed, managed to bite a Riley County Police Officer on the thigh, and break skin.

This prompted a frank discussion on bites.

“Cheer: getting blood stains out of teeth since 1951.”

In other show activity…

“Words” with Chris Casey.

Stooks fights with his shower.

Chuck Knoblauch Tips 2006.

“Quick! Someone call the feds! Kaczynski’s innocent! It was Knobby all along!”

I just read Robin Williams is going into rehab.

Here’s what I think about Robin Williams: he’s pretty talented, but also happens to be one of the most annoying people on Earth. When he gets sober, he’ll…happen to be one of the most annoying people on Earth.

Any guesses on which race or religion he despises?

Robin’s most stomachable performance

Capricorn
An on-the-job big shot may not be quite the authority figure you were hoping for. Don’t stamp your feet and air your grievances. Plot your revenge behind closed doors. Before you know it, your boss will be picking maggots and whipped cream out of their hair.

Gemini
A fancy social event makes you somewhat uncomfortable. Be true to your nature and help someone else have a good time. Just make sure they quadruple bag it if you run into Paris Hilton.

Libra
It’s a great time to finish up old projects or get some closure regarding certain long-standing issues. Put off initiating discussions or trying to get a new project off the ground. Concentrate on tying up loose ends. Remember, “Make two bunny ears. The bunny runs around the tree. The bunny jumps in a hole. Close it up tight!”

Pisces
You have very firm ideas about how to do things, and they may not conform with what people think of as the norm. You know that the correct way doesn’t always mean the accepted way. Keep up the good work. Julio will clean up the mess you made in the urinal.

Stooks Proverb: Never look a gift horse in the mouth. Gift horses are notorious for bad dental hygiene.

Leo

With great poetry, one line can mean one thing when viewed in a certain light, and something entirely different when it’s read again. Think of your life as an epic poem in progress, with various possible interpretations, although most of them relate to sorting through various refuse.

Sagittarius

You stand apart from the pack in your ability to think about others. It’s one of your most developed qualities. Unfortunately, thinking about others in scenarios where they are run over, bludgeoned or harpooned to death isn’t a very nice thing to do.

Taurus

You’re feeling a little off-center, but delightfully so. This point of view gives you a unique take on events and a fresh charge to your sense of humor. When other people are down in the dumps, you know just what to say: “nah nah nah nah boo boo, stick your head in doo doo.”

Virgo

Everyone needs to compromise. Keep things moving forward by retaining an open mind. But make sure no dirt gets in there.

Stooks Proverb: Look before you leap. If there’s a trampoline or Louie Anderson below, you should have enough cushioning. Although you might get stuck in one of Louie’s rolls and struggle to escape.

Aquarius

Gritting your teeth isn’t necessary. Someone really is in charge here. You’ll just have to deal with the fact that it’s not you (even though you’d do a bang-up job). Be patient. Your turn will get here very soon, and you’ll be able to put the quarter in the K-Mart pony on your very own.

Cancer

Professional help is key when it comes to getting your finances in order. Once you’ve hired someone, you’ll find Henry coughs up the $1.25 he owes you for that Country Time Lemonade pretty quickly.

Scorpio

Put aside the routine chores for now. Some extraordinary opportunities are yours to be had if you’re ready. That’ll teach everybody for making fun of you for buying the deluxe package of Urine Gone from TV.

Aries

You’re awfully cute, but it’s time to let people know that you’re much more than just a pretty face. Go ahead and pull out your dentures in front of everyone, and clean them in the office water cooler.

Stooks Proverb: What you don’t know can’t hurt you. Unless it’s that there’s a food shortage and Louie Anderson is in town…and hungry…for human flesh.

Capricorn

Relationships with others are highlighted and can be easier now. You’re on display and drawing plenty of admirers. Not everyone has a mole on their lower back that resembles Dennis Leary.

Gemini

Sacred spaces are necessary for individuals — and for all of humanity. See what you can do about resuscitating a neglected area in your neighborhood, whether it’s a park, a place of worship, or the stairs where Tereza the Lady of the Street puts her business on display.

Libra

Larger forces are at work in your life. It’s tough to place your trust in the spiritual when you crave the tangible. It’s tough to be Mark Mangino when you crave everything on the menu and the wait staff can’t keep up.

Pisces

How can you help others? This question has been on your mind more often than usual. Take your current involvement up a notch, or look for brand-new ways to bring aid to those who need it. Or, a good start might be to just stop giving arcade tokens to the homeless as a joke.

Stooks Proverb: It takes two to tango. Three to make a low budget movie for the Lion’s Den.

I haven’t even come close to putting my new apartment in order.

I’m trying to throw a bunch of stuff out that I never use.

But with such disarray around the house, I’ve been forced to go commando for the second straight day.

We discussed the various positives and negatives of this practice.

In other show activity…

The High Lady and Friends on facial hair. They called at the end of the show yesterday but we couldn’t squeeze them in. Classic High Lady.

The Subliminizer 5000. We suspect both Mel Gibson and Rosie O’Donnell of trying to send subliminal messages. The Subliminizer 5000 decodes what they are saying.

The Stoner on the X Games starting today.

Didn’t realize my beard would cause such a ruckus. Click the picture for a bigger view.

Aquarius

You’re an excellent puzzle solver, but for this one, you may need to call in some outside help. When it comes to emotional matters, the best medicine you could hope for is an empathetic friend…or your pathetic friend Petey, the guy who bathes in the bathroom at work. You’ll feel better just knowing that’s not your life.

Cancer

Unintended consequences are actually very much to your liking at this moment. It just goes to show you what happens when you take your hands off the control and let the cosmos work its magic. But odds are against the cosmos being able to hold it’s breath worth a damn.

Scorpio

Give yourself some peace by tuning out the chaos. Take a break from any drama that’s going on. Don’t wade into the fray. You’re persuasive and magnetic, but the situation is more combustible than you know. It’s just like lighting a match near Mel Gibson on a Friday night.

Aries

Trying to make everyone happy doesn’t work, so stop stringing someone along like a cheap kite. Unless it’s that sweet My Little Pony kite you keep hidden under your bed.

Stooks Proverb: You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours. Don’t worry; I detangled the hair back there so this time your fingers won’t get stuck. Much more flowing this time.

I moved across the hall last night, and it spells like urine in there.

The air conditioner hasn’t been on in forever so it’s 1000 degrees in there.

Not the best night of sleep I’ve ever had.

To make me, and everyone else who moves into a place in need of a little work, we had callers share their cesspool stories.

Segment 1
Segment 2

Even Trash Heap has standards of living

In other show activity…

The Old Woman calls to talk about landlords.

The Stoner calls to theorize on why it’s so hard to get to Pizza Shuttle.

So, here I am.

Waiting to hear from my landlord on whether I can start moving stuff across the hall (long story if you haven’t heard it).

So, what do I do?

Go to MY OWN MySpace Page, to listen to clips of MY OWN show (ego problem?) while playing Tetris.

Check out my score:

Should I be worried?

Leo

Who elected you peacemaker? Actually, all the astrological energies are in agreement on this one. You’ve got the right stuff when it comes to settling disputes, negotiating contracts and slashing the tires of the clerk who wouldn’t spot you two pennies at the gas station.

Sagittarius

Use the element of surprise on your problems. Laughter isn’t just the best medicine — it’s life’s saving grace. Especially when you and your friends are laughing at that guy who just tripped over the sidewalk and is all playing like it didn’t happen. We totally saw it dude.

Taurus

You’ve received all the relevant information. You’ve done the calculations and made the projections. Now it’s time to make a choice. Stick with the Banquet brand meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Hint: discard the carrots.

Virgo

A potential love interest wants to be on your radar — but they have an unusual way of trying to snag your attention. Hey, at least give them points for effort. Damn, why do you always have to realize you need a camcorder just when your stalker is in your yard, in the nude, with a poster-board sign saying “Snap into a Slim Jim?”

Stooks Proverb: When it rains, it pours. And God forbid anyone be within 100 yards of Mark Mangino wearing a white shirt.

Mel Gibson busted for DUI!

And it’s his second!

Wow.

Here’s what Mel’s mug shot will look like if he goes to Nolte’s stylist:

Aquarius

Keep your chin up. Life-changing rewards are often the result of difficult effort. You may feel near the end of your rope, but keep the faith — you’ve got much more room on the line than you would have believed…almost enough to make a lasso and hogtie your mother-in-law.

Cancer

You know an exception when you see it. Tune into your inner knowledge and listen. “Normal” is just one cycle on the washing machine. “Permanent Press” makes for a much better ride at the laundromat.

Scorpio

You can’t control the world, but you can control what goes on inside your own heart and mind. Resolve to be the best you can at all times and forgive yourself for everything else. Well forgiveness for everything but the time when you tipped over a homeless person’s shopping cart, pushed it up a hill, and then rode until you ran the homeless person right over.

Aries

Have some bureaucratic hurdles in your way? Check in with your network — you’ve got inside sources that can tell you just how to negotiate your way around these obstacles. Friends in high places are key. Even your friends in low places can help out. Ned the toilet bowel cleaner can help with your embarrassing biscuits-and-gravy intolerance problem.

Stooks Proverb: Plan for the worst. Hope for the best. And follow through with your punch, as Bruce Vilanch is one tough woman to knock out.