Capricorn

Stop fretting -- that news you've been waiting for is on the way, and it's spectacular: that kid from the zoom, zoom commercial has been abducted by a Michael Jackson associate.

Gemini

The universe has a funny way of delivering gifts in the most unexpected wrapping paper: a flaming brown paper bag. And the gift is some kind of fecal. How confusing!

Libra

Your friends will understand that you need to go underground for a while. Just give them plenty of warning and slowly explain your plains to become King of the Sewer People.

Pisces

The stars say you should act now, or this little spate of boredom could become a regularly scheduled part of your programming. Bring back Billy Mays, already.

Stooks Proverb: Where there’s a will, there’s a way, unless Will’s last name is Baldwin.