If you can turn it into a powder, Miss USA has probably had it up her nose. That’s what she’s supposed to tell Matt Lauer on Thursday’s Today. Star Magazine says Federline turned down a $25 million divorce settlement from Britney. That doesn’t even cover the damages his image has suffered from wrecking her vag.…
Steve Schnell’s “Bundle up for the Cold” Report (1:45) Jeri Anne: Belly Dancer (2:58) We have some lazy ass smokers in our building who, instead of taking their keys, use a board to prop open our back door for re-entry after they smoke and fill our building with cold-ass, smokey-as-hell, air. We hid the board,…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) Like the song goes, you can’t always get what you want. But if you really examine your reasons for wanting it, you’ll end up pretty grateful that you didn’t get it in the first place. It’s unlikely that a $500 Super Mario outfit will land you a new lover.…
Isaac Cohen, a Britney Spears chaser, bought seven pairs of panties. Maybe he’s just using Britney so he doesn’t have to see her giner in the papers anymore. “Brit, move your hands, hon. We can’t get a shot.” You can watch Kevin Federline’s Super Bowl ad here. Pretty good. Now he can go away. OMG!…
One of our listeners exposes my shortfalls by asking how I would design a roller coaster (3:37). A subpar Stoner bit about Barbaro disease (3:34). Here’s a link to a story about a Wichita death row inmate placing a personal ad. Jeri Anne had some related stories from her days working at the jail (6:31).…
Leo (July 23 – August 22) Be very clear about what you both expect if you’re about to lend a friend something you value. In fact, maybe you should just go ahead and give them that tampon outright. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) It takes a lot of courage and heart to work through…
Britney Spears has been trying to get a hold of Justin Timberlake, but he’s not answering her calls. No reunion? Might have something to do with her crotch looking like it gave birth to a watermelon. Or maybe he’s holding out for Lance Bass. Lance just updated his status to “single” on MySpace, and has…
How many of your MySpace friends are you allowed to sleep with? (1:49) Jeri Anne’s friend gives her a questionable psychic reading (5:10). Proof of psychics (5:28). Psychic return policies (5:02) “I’m psychic!” (6:08) Ghost hunting (2:40)
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) You have an uncanny ability to see trouble coming from afar. But, frankly, Louie Anderson’s ass is large enough that anyone should be able to see it coming, and move out of the way in time. Cancer (June 22 – July 22) You’re in a mood, and it’s imperative…
Katie Holmes turned down $2 million for a Batman sequel, and will instead accept $250 thousand for a role in “Mad Money,” a comedy. I think she’s cool on money for awhile, so don’t worry too much. J. Lo on Scientology: “It’s weird people want to paint it in a negative way…It’s just sad that…
Free for All Friday Orville Redenbacher calls (4:12) German Drivers (3:39) Drivers by state/Acid Story (3:53) The Hardees Mental Institution (4:15) STDs (1:13) Old bus drivers and immigrants at Walmart (3:25) Our ancestors shopped at Walmart! (2:43) Jeri Anne, MySpace Stalker (4:12)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) Binding agreements and long-term situations are looking pretty good to you right about now. And Catharine Zeta-Jones only sweetens the deal. Gemini (May 21 – June 21) Hoping for the best is always a great outlook, but it doesn’t hurt to have a back-up plan just in case. Save…
Nicole Kidman went to the hospital as a precautionary measure after she was involved in an accident in a stunt car on a movie set. I’m confused. Miss USA will do her first post-rehab interview February 1. I hope she pukes on Roker. The Grey’s Anatomy cast is giving Isaiah Washington the shun treatment. Lindsay…
A caller chews our asses (4:13) The High Lady comes to our defense (5:42) Drivers are morons 1 (3:38) Drivers are morons 2 (2:14) Men are like plants… (0:55) Jeri Anne, apply directly to the forehead (1:26)
Leo (July 23 – August 22) This association is improbable, firstly because you-know-who is the last person you ever pictured yourself associating with, and secondly because of how utterly delightful and necessary they’ve become. If Carrot Top can change, everybody can change! (Insert Russian translation here) Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) It’s time to…
Kevin Federline has been telling Britney Spears to get into rehab for the sake of the kids. Ouch. Isaiah Washington has gone into homophobe therapy. First lesson: tolerating highlights on men. Paris’ little sister Nicky was overheard telling Paris to “just walk in a straight line.” They’ll work on puking in a straight line at…
Is grinding cheating? – “What about the waltz?”/Swingers (2:55) Is grinding cheating? – “What if you’re dating a stripper?” (2:15) Is grinding cheating? – “Was he sporting wood?” (3:27) More MySpace drama (2:48) How Jeri Anne takes her porn (2:31) Must be K-Fed’s turn to watch the kids. Britney dresses Jayden in blue.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) It’s tempting to make promises, but can you fulfill them all? If not, it’s better to be honest right off the bat. You’ll feel adult and responsible for knowing your limits, and others will respect your truthfulness, ever though you can’t really put your legs behind your head while…
Watch out! Rumors are swirling that Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox are going to at least have a makeout session on the season finale of Courteney’s F/X drama “Dirt.” It seems as if Lindsay Lohan can take breaks from rehab whenever she wants. Anna Nicole has found a new shanty in the Bahamas. Here’s something…
MySpace Drama – “The Cheatin Ho” (5:48) MySpace Drama – “Set the profile to ‘private’ before trashing your family” (2:57) MySpace Drama – “Pedophile-and-profile frauds” (5:27) “My car broke down. Can I have the diarrhea in your bathroom?” (2:46) High Lady – Sad about her phone (6:33)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) Someone insists on barging into your private time. That’s why you should always do that under the covers. Can’t you crochet in peace? Gemini (May 21 – June 21) Sometimes you just have to throw all your eggs into the skillet in order to make a big, beautiful omelet.…
Paris Hilton has decided to stop fighting her DUI case and pleaded “no contest.” She has to pay $1500 and go to an alcohol education program. Or teach it. Anna Nicole Smith’s lawyers are trying to avoid a Tuesday deadline for a paternity test. Meanwhile, she lost her case against the dude who wanted his…
Jeri Anne’s dad caught someone shoplifting at his clothing store…after the guy left the store. So he sent him a bill. We asked our listeners to share their stories. Segment 1 – Taco Bell Shoplifting (3:15) Segment 2 – The plants outside Walmart (0:33) Segment 3 – The High Lady (4:57) Segment 4 – Someone…
Leo (July 23 – August 22) You can really benefit from listening to the wisdom in your dreams. Continue ignoring the hermaphrodites in your dreams. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Don’t fret if things feel off-kilter in your personal situation now. You can’t always be on an even keel, especially with your Rolaids habit.…
Britney Spears reads US Weekly to catch up on what she does while wasted. Nice floral outfit. “Those damn zoom lenses could make anyone’s vagina look wretched!” Kevin Federline took in a Justin Timberlake concert. Fifteen women left the show pregnant. Justin Timberlake didn’t dump Diaz to get back together with Britney. He’s fine with…
“Open sore” (3:14) Drinking hours (1:57) Walmart bathrooms (0:51) Weekend snow/Tattoos…again (5:29) Gay marriage/Workplace dating (2:46) “Robot Baby” (2:08) Campus drivers/Air Force Playboy (3:36) No gas for the job interview/Clever old woman (4:08) You do not delete Stooks off your MySpace (2:09)
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) It’s tempting to say that you’re right and everyone else is wrong, but is that truly the case? Yes. And it’s time to do some convincing with the help of a knife, hypothetical O.J.-style. Cancer (June 22 – July 22) The same old thing simply doesn’t get you going.…
Britney hit up a hamburger joint in West Hollywood for some nachos. She thanked the cooks and even offered to “work in your kitchen one night,” without even asking about the pay. It looks like Lohan is in for a full 30-day rehab. The guy who called Lohan a firecrotch played a key role in…
Jeri Anne got a tattoo. We discussed whether tattoos are a good idea. Segment 1 (3:50) Segment 2 (3:18) Segment 3 (4:43) Segment 4 (4:19) Segment 5 (1:38) If you’re on the radio, you’re required by law to talk about American Idol. “Serial Killer Idol” (4:27) “Phrase that pays” (3:02) The High Lady’s duet (2:05)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) Upheaval may feel unsettling, but it also supplies many opportunities that may not come again. Not everyone has as many opportunities to hurl on their supervisor as you do. Gemini (May 21 – June 21) Don’t be too quick to dismiss what’s just happened in your life. After all,…