Thanks to Larry Craig, law-abiding visitors to public restrooms can no longer sit upon the toilet with a wide stance. The senator then tapped his right foot, “a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct,” Karsnia wrote, and Craig ran his left hand several times underneath the partition dividing the stalls. The [...]
Matt Stooks.com
You are currently viewing the monthly archives for August 2007
Monthly Archives August 2007
Botox, moles and a flashback clip
I had an interesting IM swap with Chris Casey moments ago.Stooks: Dermatologists in 12 cities offered a typical wait of eight days for a cosmetic patient wanting Botox to smooth wrinkles, compared with a typical wait of 26 days for a patient requesting evaluation of a changing mole, a possible indicator of skin cancer. Chris: [...]
The good thing about spam
Sick of dealing with spam? How about phishing? You could blame people who are dense enough to fall for spam or phishing expeditions for enabling this type of activity. Or you could rest easy knowing that you’re on the smarter side of the population. I do both.
R.I.P. "Internets" and "Interweb"
I’ve decided I’m sick of hearing people say “Internets” and “Interweb.” I love Colbert as much as the next guy, but this is getting worse than overquoting Napoleon Dynamite. Originality, people! Bunch of pwned n00bs.
Mascot wanted
In my daily perusal of Craig’s List for marketing gigs, I found this (emphasis mine): We are looking for two individuals who are hard working and need a little extra cash. The job is to dress up as a mascot and wave to children during author signing. We are in need of two mascots for [...]
How memory works
(1:40 podcast) Last night, I figured out how memory works.
"What if?" Michael Vick Edition
What if Michael Vick had sponsored bumfighting instead of dogfighting? Do you think Dr. Phil would invite him on his show and then throw him off without interviewing him? Or do you think he would’ve milked his moustache the interview a bit longer?
Castro keeps going, and going
Okay, listen up Internet. If I have to postpone another “Castro is Dead!” celebration party, you don’t get a chance to hit the piñata.
American Gladiators return!
“The timing to bring the franchise back is perfect, and NBC is the ideal home.” – Gladiators producer douche. Look for it, minus Nitro, midseason. Maybe they could get him as an analyst. You can catch reruns on ESPN Classic. Here’s Nitro talking about the event the Gladiators hated the most. One hint: it’s not [...]
Pit stains
Look at me. What a piece of filth. “Gross, it’s a Gorby stain!” “Yes, God gave me this, and he made me bald. WTF?” Now, you might ask, “Why don’t you throw away your filthy, pit-stainy shirts, Stooks?” They’re undershirts, that’s why. It’s their job to sit there, under my shirt, protecting it from pit [...]
Hands off my Discman
USA Today’s got me on a roll. Maybe I should just start an anti-USA Today blog. But, then I’d have to read more USA Today. “Yet another music format is merging onto the infotainment superhighway, and it may help force the CD player down a one-way street to the eight-track landfill.” What is this absolute [...]
You fools and your small cars!
I know, I shouldn’t be reading USA Today. A grade schooler would’ve been proud had they written the front-page story in today’s Money section: “People buy small cars even though they can be deadly.” The gist of the story: madmen everywhere are buying more small cars, despite their horrifying safety levels, just to save a [...]
Fanny pack and a beard
I saw a guy at Target who had a beard and a fanny pack, a combination never witnessed before. Here’s where a bearded fanny pack falls in the echelon of likeliness to wear a fanny pack: 1. Overweight woman at a theme park2. Thin man with several kids at a theme park…167. Guy with a [...]
Who are you, and what have you done with Star Jones?
“My new TV show starts Monday on Court TV. Be sure to tune in for the horror.”
I thought musicians were more virile
What happens when six perpetually flaccid, yet musically inclined, buddies all discover Viagra at the same time? Take a look.
Have we learned nothing from Demolition Man?
Why do I always think “Judge Dredd” before I realize I mean to be thinking “Demolition Man”? Even though Demolition Man showed how easy it was to defeat a retinal scan 14 years ago, companies keep developing the technology. Snipes was even frozen before the technology was around, and quickly figured out how to defeat [...]
September 11th General Strike
If you haven’t heard yet, you’re not supposed to go to work, shop or go to school on September 11th, so that the government can know how uncool everyone thinks everything is right now. Plus, that means no one will buy gas, and we’ll all be able to get it for 99 cents a gallon [...]
TV Guide goes big, small time
My grandpa is going to spend the next couple of weeks in assisted living. He’s used to the guide feature on his dish, so he needed the help only a TV Guide could offer. On the way to visit him yesterday, I went hunting for the surprisingly elusive Guide. The story ends in horror. First, [...]
My, how the mighty have fallen
I had a great time with my dad and brothers at Tuesday night’s Royals game. The Royals ended up winning, and we had a great view. Wait a minute. Zoom in. Is that Family Ties’ Michael Gross serving Bud Light? In fact, this Michael Gross-a-like has been serving beer at Kauffman Stadium for as long [...]
No, you’re Carl Weathers or Apollo Creed
I’m not a big fan of commercials that take an obvious Carl Weathers and place him in a role such as “Alex Keeth, President of Old Spice Marketing.” If you can’t take Carl Weathers and put him into a commercial as either Carl Weathers or Apollo Creed, you have a problem. In fact, if the [...]
