Rather than go to Arrowhead Stadium for KU-MU, we went to Ugly Joe's at 103rd and State Line. You see, Arrowhead is clearly in Missouri. Ugly Joe's is right on the border, making it more suitable for the whole "Border War" mentality. Yeah, that's it.

It was almost a 50/50 KU-MU crowd. Obviously, a similar crowd was at Arrowhead. Mixing crowds 50/50 is probably the most ideal situation for fights to break out. Without one dominant group to keep the other in check, total chaos is possible. Sadly, I didn't observe one fight.

As a KU fan, I was surprised that another KU fan was my first nomination for an ass kicking. We got there two hours before kickoff, and he started a new "Rock Chalk Chant" every five minutes leading up to the game. Luckily, some dumbass MU fans redeemed themselves at the end of the game with the flawed "Overrated" cheer. If you cheer "overrated" at the team you're beating, aren't you demeaning your team in the process? Shouldn't you somehow cheer "underrated" about your team?

Luckily, a waitress with a tattooed muffin top was there to lighten the mood. Look at how she just shoves the credit card folder right into the folds of her back.


The muffin top was more frightening earlier in the evening, but I only got the balls/drunkenness to use my camera's flash at the end of the night.

Our more attractive waitress did a suitable job, even though she disappeared for a half hour at one point. Two other waitresses ended up bringing our food out. When did it become standard practice for your waitress to avoid bringing you your food? This happens to me more times than not.

This ketchup bottle is terrible:


Chris struggled to control the amount of ketchup flowing from the ill-conceived wide-mouth bottle. In fact, so much ketchup poured out, he had to spend a couple of minutes dipping his fries onto the mass of ketchup on his bun.

Ugly Joe's is one of the only establishments to have the bathroom door handle on the correct side of the door. Every public restroom should have the handle on the outside of the door. After you wash your hands, you can just back your way out of the restroom like a surgeon. I'm not sure who's responsible for the majority of restrooms using the inside "filth handle" technique, but they have to be benefiting from the spread of coliform.

A group of lesbians sat behind us. One of them was a lesbian Johnny Sack, of "The Sopranos" fame.



These lesbians were tolerable. None of them were wearing a pink "insert your school logo here" shirt. These shirts make you wonder whether there are women who simply can't go one day without wearing pink. While we're on the subject, you don't look that good in pink, sweetheart.

Labels: bars, gay, girls, jayhawks, kansas city, mizzou, restaurants, restrooms

Have you ever been in a car with heated seats? They're quite handy when it gets cold outside. But if you're not expecting the seat warmer to be on, it's quite a different sensation, as you feel your ass slowly warm for reasons you can't explain. It's more of a "Did I just crap myself?" type of feeling.  

Labels: random nonsense, restrooms, toilet

I went to Tomfooleries for happy hour last night.

The food was great, the drink specials were on target, but the bathroom situation was a little disconcerting. We sat in the fairly new upstairs area, which probably seats about 100 people, maybe more. One unisex toilet was in place to serve this area.

Here's why you shouldn't have a unisex bathroom:

1. You don't know if someone's in there. You have to check the door handle, frightening the person inside, and possibly yourself if the door ends up unlocked, and Mangino's twin is dropping a serious chicken fried steak bomb with the "hover technique."

2. Women. They take forever in there.

3. "The Piss Notch." That little notch in the front of the toilet seat encourages men to to urinate without lifting that filthy seat. This results in an even filthier seat. I don't think the Piss Notch was meant to be a Piss Notch at all. Rather, it's a "Don't Touch Other People's Genatalia Through Seat Interaction" Notch. Not quite as catchy.

Labels: bars, restaurants, restrooms, toilet

Cider Fest is this weekend in Louisburg. I have other plans, but if you're looking to blow out your colon, Cider Fest is the way to go.

The festivities start with a pancake breakfast from 9 to 11 a.m. followed by a barbecue from 11 a.m. to 5 p.m. Live music and entertainment begin at noon and run until the end of each day.

Pancake's, barbecue and cider could be one of the best recipes for diarrhea I've ever heard. Huzzah!

Labels: restrooms, toilet

Once or twice a year, I have to do the toilet paper shuffle. The latest incident was at my friend Tony's place in Chicago.

I noticed the short supply of toilet paper on the roll as I was completing my pinch. I conserved the paper as best I could, but was still one wipe short. I opened a cabinet within reach of the toilet, a likely location for toilet paper reserves. Nothing.

I turned to the toilet paper shuffle. Waddling around, pants at ankles, cabinet-to-cabinet, and ending at the closet. Tony doesn't keep his toilet paper reserves in his bathroom!

Luckily, he had some cotton balls. You can stretch out a cotton ball to about 1/4 the size of regulation ply. It was the essence of comfort, and no noticeable dingleberries resulted.

Labels: restrooms, toilet

On my return trip from Big Lake, Missouri, I had the honor of discovering an interesting restroom configuration.

As you know, most gas station restrooms are filthy, especially when located off the Interstate. While this restroom was clean and tidy, someone made the curious choice of putting a carpet square under the urinal.

Labels: random nonsense, restrooms