Matt Stooks

It’s snowing.

On Spring Break.

So whoever stayed behind got hosed.

But keep that chin up, buckaroo! We got some good tips for a snowy Spring Break, including making love in igloos and riding people’s blind spots during the wintry mix.

We also have tips on how to make a snowman.

It reminded me of a picture I got from a Fort Riley Soldier who was stationed in Afghanistan when some snow came. They made some interesting snow people. However, this is the only angle I can share with you:

“I’m snow in love with you!”

On a totally different note, The Sopranos was incredibly odd and confusing last night. We cleared it up.

Last weekend was the Fake Patrick’s Day in Manhattan, but most of the rest of America celebrates today.

The German Woman was up early, throwing a few back.

We also got into an argument over how pointless leprechauns are. Then, a gentleman called in and sang us a very creative St. Pat’s song.

Finally, a woman thinks she’s found out why leprechauns exist.

“A leprechaun violated me while I was passed out.”

The giant statue below, known as Johnny Kaw, called the show today.

“My mommy says you shouldn’t touch me there.”

We also had a new edition of “Which are the real Blanche and Dorothy.”

And a discussion on things we’d like to light afire in protest.

I have an American Idol Beach Ball.

I love my American Idol Beach Ball ever so much.

I have fun throwing my American Idol Beach Ball at my co-host, Chris Casey.

But, then, disaster!

My American Idol Beach Ball can no longer hold air.

And I = Sad.

And Chris = Sad, too.

He has lost the will to live.

We’ve covered it in duct tape to see if that will repair it’s lifeless body. We’ll let you know if these drastic measures were successful.

This morning, we got proof that ghosts exist!

James Lipton says: whoop!

While watching American Idol, I realized Taylor Hicks is Oscar the Grouch come to life and a little happier.

Okay, maybe he looks like Sam the Eagle, instead.

Only one clip today, but it’s the biggest, juiciest, most offensive clip our show has yet to produce.

Enjoy.

You’ll understand when you hear the clip. Doesn’t sound so tasty anymore, does it?

Manhattan had St. Patrick’s Day this weekend. Yes, that’s earlier than normal people celebrate it. But it gives us an opportunity to celebrate it again this Friday.

The German woman enjoyed the parade.

I also got the opportunity to talk to some drunk people on St. Pat’s.

I know.

I’m brilliant for being able to locate them. I’ve got connections.

Anyhow, here’s some of what they had to say.

“He’s already learned how to pee in the sink.”

Shocking news out of the Big 12 Tournament: there are two “D’s” in Wooldridge.

He also got fired.

And with the announcment, Coach Wooldridge turned in his badge and neck brace.

Amazingly, we scored an interview with a potential candidate for the vacant position.

Today, we had a gentleman sing us his favorite ringtone. He would’ve played it for us, but he happened to calling us on the cell phone with the ringtone.

“Text messaging hides my social awkwardness.”

We also had a 13-year-old girl tell us her friend of the same age got a ticket for driving. The conversation goes downhill when it appears the two girls are going all Ellen Degeneres on us.

Finally, a woman tells us about all the body parts she sniffs.

“I don’t think that’s how you remove an eye boog.”

I went without shaving this weekend.

Then, I overslept Monday morning, which meant I had quite the nappy facial hair working.

Unfortunately, my co-workers have been convincing me to try it out for awhile.

“Do I have food in my stash?”

So, I’m now paranoid that they’re convincing me to keep the thing because they know it’s hideous. They must be secretly laughing at my beard attempt behind my back.

This got us onto the topic of being honest with people when they ask “how do I look with a beard?” or “do these clogs make my ankles look too skinny?”

The High Lady called to enlighten us.

Later, on an unrelated note, the Iraqi Woman called to complain about accidentally buying the Harry Potter DVD that doesn’t have the special features.

First off, this is the first picture that pops up on Google Image Search when you search for Daniel Radcliffe, Harry Potter himself.

Courtesy Manhattan Parks Department

In celebration of today’s release of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, we cast spells on each other this morning.

Then, we had Ask Louie: Spring Break Edition.

“A small Haitian family resides in my small intestine.”

Haha. Woolridge was in classic form this weekend for the KU game. He was all blinged out in his neck brace.

This morning, we were talking about how he struggled to bend over to inspect an injured player. The neck brace prevented his head from pivoting, so he had to manipulate his entire torso to leer over him.

“Why aren’t more pictures of me in a neck brace on the Internet yet?”

Here’s a quick bit with Hansel, who has big plans for the K-State-KU game. It’s under 30 seconds, so if you think it sucks, at least you didn’t waste too much time.

The French-kissing bumper guy returned today, but he made a shopping cart his victim.

Multiple captions:
The Ogden Community Center Employee of the Month
Wal-Mart: your photo, hair and dental headquarters
“I still have three good years of corn-cob-eatin’ ahead of me.”
Axl Rose thought he could advance his career as a woman
Frank didn’t need Cialis, he needed a paper bag
The head stripper at Junction City’s “The G-Spot”
“Take 40 years off her, and I’d do her,” said the Manhattan Parks Employee.

Vote for your favorite!

We were talking about last night’s American Idol, when the High Lady called with her thoughts and a song of her own.

“I’m old?”

We also talked about how ridiculous K-State coach Jim Woolridge looks with a neck brace, especially since I thought the only people who wore neck braces were the ones who filed fradulent lawsuits on TV shows.

We got a call from a woman who also had an injury that made her look silly.

“Now I can’t makeout with other people who have neck braces.”

For the first time in more than a month, Wolfy called the show to give his thoughts on American Idol.

“My, Grandma, what big cans you have.”

My talented co-host, Chris Casey, is quite the artist.

Check out his “Moustache Ride” cartoon.

It gets three stashes on the Stossel Scale.

“I lost Luigi in World 3-2.”

What better way to celebrate Fat Tuesday than with Louie Anderson!

“And I pray that chicken fingers may fall from the sky and into my mouth.”

Lots of clips today.

We had our first ever “Ask Louie” segment today. Louie’s got great advice on how to get beads on Mardi Gras.

One caller wanted to tell us about his indulgences for Fat Tuesday, and it led to confusion over the name of a local Chinese restaurant, Hunan Express.

Finally, two callers share their thoughts on Fat Tuesday. The first caller wants to beat me up, the second has a twisted story about a past Mardi Gras.

We played a fun game today, called “Which is the real Blanche?”

It infuriated our old, possibly German lady.

“I never believed in summer sausage. I like it all four seasons.”

Changing themes, I went to Wal-Mart yesterday.

I didn’t really do anything Saturday night, so I was in Wal-Mart at 8:30 Sunday morning.

I noticed an inordinate amount of scum in the store for so early on a Sunday.

But then I figured it out: scum don’t go to church or bathe, so who else would be in the store at 8:30 on a Sunday morning?

Silly me.

The Manhattan Mercury impressed me with the cleverness of the above headline. But they couldn’t fit as many m’s in there as I could, so there! Here’s our discussion from this morning.

It’s Girl Scout Cookie Season, but before you go hunting Girl Scouts and stealing their cookies, check out girlscouts.net to find out where you can legally obtain the goods. Warning: traffic may be heavy during the office hours at the Manhattan Parks and Rec department.

“I need a human body to house my soul.”

And are you aware of what filth they’re teaching the Girl Scouts these days?

No caption necessary.

This morning, we were talking about a guy from the Manhattan parks department who got arrested for having child porn on his computer.

Then, we got off on a rant about the amazingly idiotic things people do on the computer at work.

The High Lady called in and then handed the phone off to a Barry White-sounding guy who had a good story about someone giving a little love to a chicken.

“I can’t get enough of your love, Breast Fillet.”

Happy Presidents’ Day!

Make sure you go hug someone who’s met a President. I think that’s what you’re supposed to do.

Here’s a little ditty I wrote, “Presidents’ Day is lonely for me.”

“For my next trick, I’ll die when someone throws a towel on the floor.”

We had some freezing rain in the area this morning.

Have you ever heard the “you grew up in this area, so you should know how to drive in this weather” argument? Not the one where you should slow down, but the one where you should go the full speed limit because physics don’t apparently apply anymore?

Well, this guy takes that argument to the extreme.

“With just a stare, he could make a bucket of Extra Tasty Crispy Chicken cry.”

First off, I’m disappointed in Google. They don’t have a Valentine’s graphic on the homepage today. I could understand if the Olympics happened only every four years and only for one day that happened to be on Valentine’s, but that isn’t the case. You can take one day off from the Olympics graphic to put up a Valentine’s one. Shame.

“We think the Olympics are more important than Valentine’s.” – Googleneizer Scrooge

Searching for the phrase “Google is a Scrooge” produces zero results. So hopefully now that I just put that phrase up, they will index it so you can find this site in the future.

Now, back to Valentine’s Day proper.

I don’t have a Valentine this year.

But I got a Valentine’s gift from the heavens last night.

“Hey, Snuffleupagus. Follow me over to the Den of Stooks, so I may defecate on his car.”

Either the girl I dated for a month or some kind of feathery beast living in the trees in my parking lot ate too much Beef Pasta Hamburger Helper last night.

I am not joking. This amount of crap appeared on my car in just under 12 hours time.

I had to drink my Carnation Instant Breakfast while driving and staring at bird fecal that resembled dried up Carnation Instant Breakfast on the windshield. I almost hurled.

“I think we’ve found the Turdburglar.”

Extra special treats today.

First, we had a discussion about the “Love Assist,” where someone you are with hits on someone on your behalf. Then, the High Lady calls in at the end of the segment and throws a huge wrench into the whole thing.

“Puff, puff, pass, Snoop.”

Then, my favorite and dirtiest segment of the year. It’s the old, possibly German woman. She’s moaning for some reason. Listen closely for the dirty old man in the background at the end of the call.

“I’ve had multiple lovers.”

A new character debuted on the show today: the guy who likes Barbie a little too much.

Ken was too busy listening to Clay Aiken records to come to Barbie’s rescue.

I saw a Chevy Impala that had spinning rims.

“But Michael, spinning rims will cripple my ability to TurboBoost.” -Kitt

Just to emphasize how lame that is, my mom drives the exact same car.

This morning, we decided spinning rims:

1. Only work on trashy cars

2. Should have a version that looks like a banana flying through the air, a la the old DOS Gorillas game (click here if you want to download Gorillas for free for your computer).

“Now that’s what I call a banana split!” – The last standing Gorilla

3. Should have a version that is me in an “X Stance,” so it looks like I’m doing a bunch of cartwheels.

“Whee! After this I’ll get the Skippy (dogs like Peanut Butter)!”

Interesting question posed by a Stooks in the Morning caller this morning.

“Does Ariel have normal female plumbing?” And why wasn’t that point argued in her song about being a normal woman?

“If you were a real woman, I’d show you the trick I can do with my claws.”

Five types of people at the Superbowl party:

1. Normal fan
2. There-for-the-dip guy
3. Woman along for the ride
4. Way too intense guy
5. Guy who doesn’t like football but feels the need to talk constantly

You can’t have a way-too-intense guy and the talking guy at the same party. Intense guy will scream at talking guy for talking too loudly when he’s trying to hear Madden’s fat chops smacking together.

“Madden with Cheese. Hold the pickles.”

Today, we named the Superbowl “The John Stossel Pick of the Week,” and gave it the full five stashes. I think it would look something like this:

The High Lady thought the pick was weak, and called in to correct us. Oh yeah, we also got her to do an elephant noise for us.

“I had five children for breakfast!”