Capricorn
An on-the-job big shot may not be quite the authority figure you were hoping for. Don’t stamp your feet and air your grievances. Plot your revenge behind closed doors. Before you know it, your boss will be picking maggots and whipped cream out of their hair.
Gemini
A fancy social event makes you somewhat uncomfortable. Be true to your nature and help someone else have a good time. Just make sure they quadruple bag it if you run into Paris Hilton.
Libra
It’s a great time to finish up old projects or get some closure regarding certain long-standing issues. Put off initiating discussions or trying to get a new project off the ground. Concentrate on tying up loose ends. Remember, “Make two bunny ears. The bunny runs around the tree. The bunny jumps in a hole. Close it up tight!”
Pisces
You have very firm ideas about how to do things, and they may not conform with what people think of as the norm. You know that the correct way doesn’t always mean the accepted way. Keep up the good work. Julio will clean up the mess you made in the urinal.
Stooks Proverb: Never look a gift horse in the mouth. Gift horses are notorious for bad dental hygiene.
We talked about how E-Mail is inappropriate for some things.
I got a pair of interesting emails…six months apart.
Leo
With great poetry, one line can mean one thing when viewed in a certain light, and something entirely different when it’s read again. Think of your life as an epic poem in progress, with various possible interpretations, although most of them relate to sorting through various refuse.
Sagittarius
You stand apart from the pack in your ability to think about others. It’s one of your most developed qualities. Unfortunately, thinking about others in scenarios where they are run over, bludgeoned or harpooned to death isn’t a very nice thing to do.
Taurus
You’re feeling a little off-center, but delightfully so. This point of view gives you a unique take on events and a fresh charge to your sense of humor. When other people are down in the dumps, you know just what to say: “nah nah nah nah boo boo, stick your head in doo doo.”
Virgo
Everyone needs to compromise. Keep things moving forward by retaining an open mind. But make sure no dirt gets in there.
Stooks Proverb: Look before you leap. If there’s a trampoline or Louie Anderson below, you should have enough cushioning. Although you might get stuck in one of Louie’s rolls and struggle to escape.
My friend Kevin posted a blog on his MySpace about a coworker who tries to suck everyone into his spousal problems.
We talked about coworkers who take too many liberties with their work “friends” when talking about their personal issues.
A guy called in to complain about the movie “Angels in the Outfield.”
Blade Velasquez called in and we played his new song, “Kia.”
By the way, check out the cover art Photoshop Adam put together for Blade’s album “Corndog Suicide.”
I also recommend viewing Blade’s MySpace profile.
Aquarius
Gritting your teeth isn’t necessary. Someone really is in charge here. You’ll just have to deal with the fact that it’s not you (even though you’d do a bang-up job). Be patient. Your turn will get here very soon, and you’ll be able to put the quarter in the K-Mart pony on your very own.
Cancer
Professional help is key when it comes to getting your finances in order. Once you’ve hired someone, you’ll find Henry coughs up the $1.25 he owes you for that Country Time Lemonade pretty quickly.
Scorpio
Put aside the routine chores for now. Some extraordinary opportunities are yours to be had if you’re ready. That’ll teach everybody for making fun of you for buying the deluxe package of Urine Gone from TV.
Aries
You’re awfully cute, but it’s time to let people know that you’re much more than just a pretty face. Go ahead and pull out your dentures in front of everyone, and clean them in the office water cooler.
Stooks Proverb: What you don’t know can’t hurt you. Unless it’s that there’s a food shortage and Louie Anderson is in town…and hungry…for human flesh.
Free for All Friday was full of people seeking my advice on relationships.
Mistake.
But we gave it a shot.
“Dr. Phil: Sexual predator” coming to Lifetime in 2011
A caller who’s furious about “Jack and the Beanstalk.”
Hansel’s going away for a while.
Capricorn
Relationships with others are highlighted and can be easier now. You’re on display and drawing plenty of admirers. Not everyone has a mole on their lower back that resembles Dennis Leary.
Gemini
Sacred spaces are necessary for individuals — and for all of humanity. See what you can do about resuscitating a neglected area in your neighborhood, whether it’s a park, a place of worship, or the stairs where Tereza the Lady of the Street puts her business on display.
Libra
Larger forces are at work in your life. It’s tough to place your trust in the spiritual when you crave the tangible. It’s tough to be Mark Mangino when you crave everything on the menu and the wait staff can’t keep up.
Pisces
How can you help others? This question has been on your mind more often than usual. Take your current involvement up a notch, or look for brand-new ways to bring aid to those who need it. Or, a good start might be to just stop giving arcade tokens to the homeless as a joke.
Stooks Proverb: It takes two to tango. Three to make a low budget movie for the Lion’s Den.
Even thought tonight’s episode wasn’t that good, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is easily the best comedy on TV.
It’s on FX, Thursday nights at 9.
I just noticed that when they flash the production company logo up at the end of the show, there’s some weird audio playing.
It sounded like reversed audio, so I thought I’d flip it around.
I’m confused.
I haven’t even come close to putting my new apartment in order.
I’m trying to throw a bunch of stuff out that I never use.
But with such disarray around the house, I’ve been forced to go commando for the second straight day.
We discussed the various positives and negatives of this practice.
In other show activity…
The High Lady and Friends on facial hair. They called at the end of the show yesterday but we couldn’t squeeze them in. Classic High Lady.
The Subliminizer 5000. We suspect both Mel Gibson and Rosie O’Donnell of trying to send subliminal messages. The Subliminizer 5000 decodes what they are saying.
Leo
A combination of intuition, imagination and knowledge lead to wisdom. You know more than you think. You just need to tap into all your resources, not just the ones you want to publicly acknowledge. Yes, it’s time to reveal that you were a 1996 World Series of Hopscotch finalist.
Sagittarius
It’s important to trust yourself. Do you listen to your instincts? Do you acknowledge your feelings, or do you dismiss them? Most importantly, do you act on them and yell out loud at the Soap Opera’s Digest in the grocery checkout line for the direction of Marlena’s storyline on Day’s of Our Lives?
Taurus
It’s time to start a revolution in your life. Chair Spinning Olympics!
Virgo
You’ve tackled many a job because you’re the only person who’ll make sure that it’s done correctly. Not everyone’s willing to dive head first into the Johnny on the Spot to make sure it’s clean. Or store the waste in their Taurus during 100-degree heat.
Stooks Proverb: Beggars can’t be choosers. But they can be smelly.
Didn’t realize my beard would cause such a ruckus. Click the picture for a bigger view.
I shaved the beard last night.
My A/C’s been struggling to keep up with the heat, and I needed as much relief as I could get my hands on. Plus, I needed a reason to stay in the cold shower a little longer.
For some reason, I remembered my sister-in-law’s parents had a friend who said, “there’s an article that says women don’t like facial hair on men,” right to my bearded face.
We discussed the attractiveness of facial hair.
Recommended reading: the above dude’s “beard research” article.
Aquarius
You’re an excellent puzzle solver, but for this one, you may need to call in some outside help. When it comes to emotional matters, the best medicine you could hope for is an empathetic friend…or your pathetic friend Petey, the guy who bathes in the bathroom at work. You’ll feel better just knowing that’s not your life.
Cancer
Unintended consequences are actually very much to your liking at this moment. It just goes to show you what happens when you take your hands off the control and let the cosmos work its magic. But odds are against the cosmos being able to hold it’s breath worth a damn.
Scorpio
Give yourself some peace by tuning out the chaos. Take a break from any drama that’s going on. Don’t wade into the fray. You’re persuasive and magnetic, but the situation is more combustible than you know. It’s just like lighting a match near Mel Gibson on a Friday night.
Aries
Trying to make everyone happy doesn’t work, so stop stringing someone along like a cheap kite. Unless it’s that sweet My Little Pony kite you keep hidden under your bed.
Stooks Proverb: You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours. Don’t worry; I detangled the hair back there so this time your fingers won’t get stuck. Much more flowing this time.
Congratulations to Mel Gibson on having the most un-mug-shot looking mug shot of all time.
InTouch Weekly got their hands on some photos of Mel partying earlier in the night.
“Gibson to God…Can I hate on the Jews a little later? This girl’s totally into me.”I moved across the hall last night, and it spells like urine in there.
The air conditioner hasn’t been on in forever so it’s 1000 degrees in there.
Not the best night of sleep I’ve ever had.
To make me, and everyone else who moves into a place in need of a little work, we had callers share their cesspool stories.
Even Trash Heap has standards of livingIn other show activity…
The Old Woman calls to talk about landlords.
The Stoner calls to theorize on why it’s so hard to get to Pizza Shuttle.
Capricorn
Voice your real needs and they’ll be met in one way or another. Be honest and forthright about what you’ve kept concealed for far too long. Yup, just like a Ken Doll.
Gemini
Your intuition is the most powerful tool at your disposal, but you need to use it to keep it sharp. Meditation, yoga and long walks are all great ways to make sure your inner voice comes through loud and clear. Unfortunately, your inner voice speaks Wookie. Get Han to translate.
Libra
A loved one ruminates on the patterns in their personal life, and this gives you some unexpected but welcome insight into your own. Now make sure you’ve really intuited this wisdom before you take action. No, “intuited” not “inTootieted.” Mrs. Garrett already has her hands full.
Pisces
Why waste time arguing about whose way is the right way? Use the scientific method — try both options and see which one brings about the best results. Yes, Velveeta is better at both making a cheese dip and at making a bottom dip.
Stooks Proverb: Love makes the world go round. Gravity schmavity.
So, here I am.
Waiting to hear from my landlord on whether I can start moving stuff across the hall (long story if you haven’t heard it).
So, what do I do?
Go to MY OWN MySpace Page, to listen to clips of MY OWN show (ego problem?) while playing Tetris.
Check out my score:
Should I be worried?
He’s thinking about getting a kitten, but I warned him, “your three dude roommates aren’t going to like a kitten.”
I don’t mind kittens, in fact, I even enjoy their company from time-to-time.
But for some reason, most guys have some weird hatred toward cats.
Why?
We got more calls on this topic than we’ve gotten on a topic in quite awhile.
In other show activity…
Legit story: Louie Anderson was at number 3 one point during the World Series of Poker Yesterday.
Leo
Who elected you peacemaker? Actually, all the astrological energies are in agreement on this one. You’ve got the right stuff when it comes to settling disputes, negotiating contracts and slashing the tires of the clerk who wouldn’t spot you two pennies at the gas station.
Sagittarius
Use the element of surprise on your problems. Laughter isn’t just the best medicine — it’s life’s saving grace. Especially when you and your friends are laughing at that guy who just tripped over the sidewalk and is all playing like it didn’t happen. We totally saw it dude.
Taurus
You’ve received all the relevant information. You’ve done the calculations and made the projections. Now it’s time to make a choice. Stick with the Banquet brand meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Hint: discard the carrots.
Virgo
A potential love interest wants to be on your radar — but they have an unusual way of trying to snag your attention. Hey, at least give them points for effort. Damn, why do you always have to realize you need a camcorder just when your stalker is in your yard, in the nude, with a poster-board sign saying “Snap into a Slim Jim?”
Stooks Proverb: When it rains, it pours. And God forbid anyone be within 100 yards of Mark Mangino wearing a white shirt.
…when everyone thinks about Saved by the Bell, they think about the caffeine pills episode, and it’s really played out. But I’m watching the True Hollywood Story on Saved by the Bell, when I should be cleaning up my craphole of an apartment so I can move (brilliantly) across the hall Tuesday.
Anyhow, here’s the clip you want.
The test that drove Jessie to drug abuse
Note: I saw the above picture on someone’s MySpace page the other day. If it was your page, please take credit. I don’t want to look like I’m stealing ideas and claiming them as my own.
And it’s his second!
Wow.
Here’s what Mel’s mug shot will look like if he goes to Nolte’s stylist:
Another Free for All Friday today with all kinds of fun stuff.
A woman who hates man-stealing women, followed by a woman who may be trying to steal her man.
Is that Lance Bass behind you?In other show activity…
Political Chat with Bailiff Rigatoni and Louie Anderson.
Sweedish Schoolboy Hansel is headed to the Riley County Fair.
Aquarius
Keep your chin up. Life-changing rewards are often the result of difficult effort. You may feel near the end of your rope, but keep the faith — you’ve got much more room on the line than you would have believed…almost enough to make a lasso and hogtie your mother-in-law.
Cancer
You know an exception when you see it. Tune into your inner knowledge and listen. “
Scorpio
You can’t control the world, but you can control what goes on inside your own heart and mind. Resolve to be the best you can at all times and forgive yourself for everything else. Well forgiveness for everything but the time when you tipped over a homeless person’s shopping cart, pushed it up a hill, and then rode until you ran the homeless person right over.
Aries
Have some bureaucratic hurdles in your way? Check in with your network — you’ve got inside sources that can tell you just how to negotiate your way around these obstacles. Friends in high places are key. Even your friends in low places can help out. Ned the toilet bowel cleaner can help with your embarrassing biscuits-and-gravy intolerance problem.
Stooks Proverb: Plan for the worst. Hope for the best. And follow through with your punch, as Bruce Vilanch is one tough woman to knock out.
Get it? Like “Seacrest out.” I think Seacrest made the connection, because he doesn’t drop that line anymore.
We talked about Lance Bass coming out of the closet. Then, we tried to figure out why we care.
Capricorn
Yours is a complex sign, and you can’t be expected to process things the way that other, simpler signs do. Give yourself a little space to move. Here’s a start: stay away from Guillermo in the elevator for both space and stench relief.
Gemini
Make sure you don’t neglect your health or your loved ones in pursuit of success — a sense of balance is key. Astral conditions all point toward success when it comes to achieving a long-desired goal. No, Taco Bell has nothing to do with “astral conditions.”
Libra
It’s a great time to renovate your dwelling — or to search for new digs altogether. After all, your life is changing and expanding — shouldn’t your living space keep up? Now’s the perfect time to break out the bleach and take care of those yellow mystery stains on your wall.
Pisces
You know it’s time to renovate some areas of your psyche, but that doesn’t mean you have to commit to anything before you’re sure. Think of this process like a salad bar: Go ahead and try a little of everything. And try to smuggle some bacon bits out in your nephew’s retainer case.
Stooks Proverb: Don’t judge a book by its cover. Judge it by it’s ability to knock out Paul Schaffer, sparing the world of his “eh hehehehe” laugh for even just a minute.
Lance Bass is now officially gay (Thanks to Kevin for the heads up).
Check out this quote:
“Bass…tells People magazine that he didn’t earlier disclose his sexuality because he didn’t want to affect the group’s popularity.
Yeah, right. He just liked Timberlake getting picked on for being most gay.
“What’re you hiding back there, Lance?”
Manhattan has closed Northview Pool because you get a static shock when you get into the pool.
The parks superintendent said “What was rediscovered was one or two volts of intermittent static electricity that is similar to if you were to rub your feet across the carpet and touch somebody.”
It made us ask the question “Who would you like to static electricty shock by rubbing your feet across the carpet and poking someone?”
“I knew Weird Al’s talents weren’t of this world…”In other show activity…
“The Johnny Kaw Radio Show.” Today’s topic: hiding a mouth sore.
The Iraqi woman calls Rupert Murdoch a chemical weapon for messing with MySpace.
Chris and I go head-to-head with “Movie Trivia Time.” It ends in violence.
Leo
Expand your awareness and you’ll find that your life is enriched with a much-needed adventure. A surprising opportunity awaits you, but you have to be willing to see it to take advantage of it fully. Damn you Magic Eye.
Sagittarius
Be a daredevil when it comes to matters of the heart. Wink at that cutie on the bus. Strike up a conversation with that certain someone over your morning cup of coffee. Punch some ugly scuz in the face and steal their significant other.
Taurus
Think of all this recent drama as grist for your creative mill. Haven’t you been dying to restart work on that novel, song or dance number? Go for it. Just don’t rip off Stephen Hawking again.
Virgo
In order to be successful, you have to listen to your dreams. Stop being a critic. Instead, be an artist, an innovator and a pioneer. Believe in yourself wholeheartedly, and your life will improve in astounding ways. Loser.
Stooks Proverb: When the cat’s away, the mice will play. When the Mangino’s away, the refrigerator breathes a sigh of relief. So do the neighbor’s kittens.
First off, check out this website, created by Santa’s Deb.
It is honestly one of the most frightening things I’ve ever seen.
UPDATE: Photo of the “Santa’s Deb Van,” courtesy of “The Prewitt.”
A guy calls in to question the Brady Bunch “Hawaii” episode.
