It’s Halloween, so we asked, what frightens you?
Segment 1 – Clowns and midgets (2:25).
Segment 3 – Pez and midgets revisited (2:00).
Segment 4 – Public restrooms (1:47).
DeMone the Demon called to warn us about his intentions this Halloween (2:08).
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Dreams? Intuition? This is unlike you — but the strangest thing of all is that you’re actually enjoying this softer side of your personality. Use it! Accessing a different kind of intelligence only makes you stronger, and it may help you figure out how to defrost your freezer.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
You’re an expert when it comes to gab, small talk, chitchat — whatever you want to call it. Just remember that a judicious silence can say more than all the eloquent words in the world. Learn to hold your peace. Unless it’s a debate on who’s the better garbage man. Then you can’t sit back and take all the MC Hammer-bashing.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Feeling scattered? That can be remedied with some organization. Unless you’re scattered because The Terminator froze you and shot you, then you have no choice but to stay scattered. You’re no T-1000.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Well, hey there, dreamweaver! Whatever gets you through the night is just fine. Remember, however, that what you perceive is not necessarily reality. That isn’t horse blood on your hands.
Stooks Proverb: Look after number one. And since it’s Halloween, look out for a flaming bag of number two on your porch. If Mangino’s the culprit, be prepared for a full-on blaze from a grocery bag.
It’s Halloween, which means Kevin Federline’s new CD is out. Here’s one troubling review giving it a thumbs up. It may not matter, though. He’s already canceling tour dates because of poor ticket sales. Maybe if he did bong hits right on stage he could turn things around.
Witnesses say Nicole Richie collapsed at a popular Hollywood night club this weekend. Shouldn’t she be working out her “nutrition” issues in rehab instead of displaying them in public?
Busted! Katie Holmes shooting the breeze with former Tom Cruise nemesis Brooke Shields. Maybe Brooke slipped Katie some of the good stuff to help her forget her life with Tom.
In other altered celebrity news: Courtney Love has been clean for one year. How does she function as a sober person? Seriously?
Creepy: Michael Jackson is returning to the World Music Awards, where some first witnessed his relationship with a boy that ended in a $20 million settlement in 1993.
Photoshop Adam and I witnessed a couple d-bags trying to pick up a couple drunk chicks on the sidewalk, while the guys were in the car. Real classy. We discussed.
Segment 1 (2:03).
Segment 2 (0:49).
This weekend, Chris’ team won the World Series.
I’ve always been suspicious of Chris’ complete lack of emotion on most things.
So, I turned to the hidden microphone to try to bust him (4:16).
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your magnetic personality gains an extra dose of cool glamor, but it’s definitely accompanies by a touch-me-not air. People might wonder what’s going on with you, but you just need a little space right now. And some hand sanitizer. And a dedicated handkerchief for opening doors.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your natural charm greases the wheels. So does the natural grease that develops from under your, well, you know.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Friends — where would we be without them? Friendless. So, basically like the youngest kid from Home Improvement who ended up being three feet taller than his older brothers on the show, then turned goth, moved to
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
The stars send a surplus of mental energy your way. Your mind is sharper than a box of tacks. But your personality is as dull as Jeffrey Dahmer’s favorite knife.
Stooks Proverb: The early bird catches the worm. The promiscuous bird catches the bird flu.
For the first time in forever, Michael Jackson is making a public appearance. He’ll accept an achievement award at the World Music Awards in London. Sadly for Michael, I can’t seem to think of any prepubescent male artists he could prey on there. Speaking of Michael, some random British woman says she’s the real baby mama of his three kids. Huh?
“Mmmmmm. Chuck E. Cheese’s. They have the best small childr…I mean, pizza.”Paris Hilton ignored questions about Nicole Richie’s rehab. Maybe she had food in her mouth. We do know that Paris bought a bunny outfit for Halloween. You know what they say about rabbits and sex. Can’t she just go as herself?
Jennifer and Vince Vaughn had a romantic weekend together for the first time in 60 days. It didn’t end with the adoption of any foreign children. I think it’s an act.
Want to bleed out of your ears before everyone else? Then you should check out AOL’s exclusive access to every track on Kevin Federline’s CD.
I guess Oprah wasn’t enough to trick the world into liking Madonna again. She’s booked appearances on Today, Dateline and Regis. If Regis can’t help her, no one can.
It must suck to be a photographer. Kirstie Alley flipped off a paparazzi. Shouldn’t she just be happy to fit in the frame again?
Simon Cowell is releasing a fragrance. Isn’t Seacrest all over him enough already? In other gay Idol news: Clay Aiken will perform on some Christmas episodes of former Stooks in the Morning staple Days of Our Lives. I just setup my season pass for Days again, so lay off my ass about getting it back on the show. This was the last straw in bringing it back.
Good calls today, everyone. Thanks. Here are the clips.
Police ticket quota/Creepy archery teacher (4:15).
“Practice! We talking ’bout practice!”/Political ads (3:51).
“Recess is for violence” (1:26).
Spanking other peoples’ kids (4:20).
No men in Salina/Hansel returns (1:57).
Sperm in the Salina water (0:42).
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You’re able to accomplish something tremendous. You suddenly have the insight to realize that you’re in this for a marathon, not a sprint. Luckily, you’ve got the cankles for the job.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
You’re feeling quiet and serious. It’s a great time to draw up plans for the future. Stick close to home — that’s your anchor and the place where you’re best able to explore any new concepts that are coming up. And it’s the place where the public is least likely to encounter your stench.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Your determination makes even the most far-fetched plans seem feasible; and that, combined with your unbeatable work ethic right now, makes you hard to stop. But beware: eating that many eggs will have consequences.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Peak productivity is within your reach. The stars urge you to buckle down, get serious and, above all, tackle at least one of those projects that you had vowed to finish many, many weeks ago. You can do it! Just make sure you have someone to stand guard while you’re huffing.
Stooks Proverb: Don’t drink your tea with a fork. Unless you plan on eating the tea cup, also known as “pulling a Mangino.
Nicole Richie’s in treatment, and working with a team who specializes in “nutrition.” Or, as the rest of us call it, “eating.” They say it’s not for an eating disorder, but it is to find out why she can’t gain weight. Shucks, that is a mystery!
Chevy Chase’s appearance on Law & Order airs Friday night. He plays a Mel Gibson-like character. Mel blames the Jews for the terrible casting.
You can buy Britney Spears’ autographed Vespa (read: Moped) for charity. Isn’t that more of a Federline vehicle? Speaking of Federline, Britney sent out a mass email (you know you got it) saying “it’s your last chance to pre-order Kevin’s CD.” I guess you’ll just have to burn friend’s copy. Literally. Set it on fire. And if you don’t like Kevin’s music? He says “go ahead and hate me.”
Tara Reid had an awkward appearance on The View Thursday while trying to frighten more people about her messed-up boobs. She took a piece of paper and said “say this is a piece of paper,” to which Joy said “That is a piece of paper, Tara.”
Listen to Tara’s explanation of what her areolas looked like.
And hear her “piece of paper” masterpiece.
To keep himself, and his costars of “Babel” entertained, Brad Pitt gave himself wedgies and waddled around like a duck. I think he just got a whole new group of people fantasizing about him.
I was invited to a Halloween party, declined the invite, and then got scolded for not knowing how important going to Halloween parties is as “women are easy on Halloween.”
We discussed.
Segment 1 – It’s just easier to see the sluts (2:35).
Segment 2 – The KKK Connection (1:11).
Segment 3 – Double standard (3:33).
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
A little fire in your belly helps you attack a new task with vim and vigor. It’s time to eat those Fire Sauce packets you’ve been hoarding from Taco Bell.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Being smart is one thing, but you’ve got the ability to transcend mere intelligence. You absorb information and make connections that seem obvious once you point them out. Your grasp of “Connect the Dots” is unmatched.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’re wildly exuberant and then you’ve got your nose to the grindstone. And if your name is Kate Moss, you’ve probably got a white powdery substance and a razor blade to the grindstone, too.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Pull your head out of the clouds and think about the future. This may not be the most comfortable mental place for you, but it’s required. Go ahead and be as abstract as necessary. What is it that you want from your life? Comfort? Style? It’s time to decide. What kind of cardboard box will you be living in?
Stooks Proverb: The last straw breaks the camel’s back. So stop wasting time with straws, the first Mangino breaks the camel’s back, too.
Madonna wasn’t that much of a blubbering idiot on Wednesday’s Oprah, and it helped that O is on her side. But now, hopefully trying to keep things funny, Ricky Martin is giving is support to Madonna’s adoption. To frighten even more people, he’s even threatening to adopt.
Naomi Campbell is still beating the hell out of people. This time, her victim was her drug counselor, who ended up with scratches all over her face.
David Hasselhoff’s divorce drama is still in full swing, this time with allegations saying she used coke. She has to be on something to let the world’s embodiment of a true man slip away.
In case you weren’t frightened enough of Tara Reid’s breasts, she’s now comparing her areolas to goose eggs.
Lance Bass’ boyfriend says he’s been getting threats for being gay. Amazingly, they’re for the time he spent in the military, not for robbing millions of mentally defective teenage girls of their man.
If you noticed, we were in clip show mode yesterday because I was at the Kansas Association of Broadcasters Convention.
Hear about my journey and why I appreciate working here more today than I did before the event.
The convention was at the Prairie Band Casino in Topeka.
One of our listeners let us know why cell phones don’t work at the casino.
Now onto Chris’ birthday celebration.
We talked about what we want to do as old people.
Long distance listener Shua calls in to wish Chris a happy birthday…naked.
The Banker from Deal or No Deal calls in with a birthday wish of his own.
“For the last time grandma, you’re not Mona!”
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You have leadership abilities that you haven’t even tapped yet. Add to that a sense of optimism that draws even more people to you. This is perfect, because you’ve been in the mood to lead a movement. Rise ant children! Rise!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Consider yourself blessed. With that winning attitude in place, you shouldn’t be surprised when adverse circumstances turn out to be immensely favorable. Believe in yourself and aid will come from a mighty force: Louie Anderson’s lower intestine.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Coordination is the key to making all the elements in your life come together. Give yourself some room to make a few mistakes. It may take a little practice at first, but you’ll soon have the rhythm. Then, no one will stand in the way of your wiffle ball dominance.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Sometimes that restless feeling can’t be explained away intellectually or rationally — you just have to learn to accept it for what it is. Long walks or another physical endeavor can help you process it. But nothing will make Gary Busey’s lack of career options go away.
Stooks Proverb: Love will find a way. Even if Mangino’s in the way, love will still take the 50 mile detour around his perimeter.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have officially announced a wedding date of Saturday, November 18th in Italy. Hopefully they will stay there.
TMZ got a copy of the birth certificate for the latest Federline: Jayden James. And it is a boy. And they think Britney will shove him in everyone’s face just in time for Federline’s CD release on Halloween. Frightening enough for me. By the way, Federline made his second straight appearance on WWE’s Monday Night Raw this week. This time, he bitch-slapped the guy who bodyslammed him last week. I think someone has a backup career.
Madonna filmed an appearance that will air on Wednesday’s Oprah. I’ve got my TiVo set, and I expect Madonna to be quite annoying. I’ll share the audio with you.
I don’t know if this was reported in time to be brought up on Oprah, but there’s some controversy about the orphanage she’s building in Africa. The Kaballah Centre is providing the curriculum for the school. It’s about time Kaballah got back into the “which is creepier: Kaballah or Scientology?” fight.
Some rich guy Anna Nicole Smith was sleeping with says Anna tried to tell him she was pregnant with his baby. He told her that’s impossible, since he had a vasectomy. Now, he says she confessed that poor dude Larry Birkhead was the real father. Why hasn’t Maury been called yet?
Paris Hilton was smooching on two dudes and working the strip pole pretty hard the other night. When will she just give it up and just throw her legs up in surrender to the line of men she’ll inevitably sleep with anyway?
The Enquirer says Joy Behar wants Barbara Walters to fire both Rosie and Elisabeth Hasselbeck. She hates Elisabeth’s conservative views, and Rosie’s takeover of the show. Plus Rosie overthrew Joy for “stinkiest farter.”
Cindy Crawford is auctioning off a makeover and “hang out with Cindy at some modeling event” on eBay for a man and a woman to help raise money for Locks of Love, a highly underrated way to help young cancer patients suffering from hair loss. I count on Chris making a mole reference to this story on tomorrow’s show.
I usually stay away from politics on the show, but if you’re sick of all the far-right and far-left crap out there, I highly recommend Chris Matthews on MSNBC. His little quirks are a bonus. And on the latest show, I was treated to an onscreen belch. Check it out.
I saw a couple fighting in the Target parking lot Saturday night. Since Target is a happy place, I figured it must’ve been over something stupid.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You’re magnetic — truly, a creature of irresistible mystery. Get set to dazzle the next person who crosses your path. They’ll stay dazzled! And they’ll even tell their friends! Holding a dead squirrel in your mouth is no easy feat.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Trying to read someone’s mind? Stop before you start losing your own. The truth is you’ll never know exactly what this person was thinking when they said that. Sometimes the phrase “doodoo head” has nothing to do with that accident you had in the Johnny on the Spot.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Your sign is deeply misunderstood. Sure, you’re dangerous — but only when provoked. Make sure to give a certain party one or two warning signs. Showing off your pit stains should do the job.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You’re holding onto something very tightly because you know deep in your heart that it’s yours. What about loosening that grasp? Not only will you get some breathing space, but you’ll also get a longer lifespan out of your TMX Elmo.
Stooks Proverb: The eyes are the window to the soul. You might want to think about closing the blinds to keep that creep with the binoculars from getting too good a look…especially with that fat naked guy walking around your soul.
Tax fraud master Wesley Snipes has been found in Namibia, birthplace of Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt. He’s filming a movie there. Ouch. How bad of a movie could that be if it took them this long to realise he’s there shooting it?
Keith Urban’s going back to rehab. Not for coke this time, but for alcohol. He says Nicole was at his side when he entered treatment. If they both were in a “rehab lineup,” wouldn’t you pick Nicole as most likely?
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline never admitted their latest son’s name was Sutton Pierce. In fact, Jayden James may be the kid’s name. Kevin’s mom calls him Jayden. But God knows what her brain cells are like with K-Fed as her son.
Speaking of Brit, she’s been spotted on the town again. She was partying in Vegas the other night, without Kevin, throwing back Jack and Cokes. Trying to get to the third pregnancy, Brit?
Isaiah Washington may have had run-ins on the sets of TV shows before “Grey’s Anatomy.”
In ’97 he had an altercation with a crew member on “High Incident,” where he was a guest star. Police were called for that one. Then, in 2000, instead of a subtle kiss, he rape-kissed an actress on Showtime’s “Soul Food.”
Madonna’s assistant just bought a bunch of baby clothes for Madonna: for a boy and a girl! OMG! Meanwhile, the guy who was just praising the heavens for Madonna adopting his son, is now taking it back. He says he was tricked into thinking Madonna and Guy would be like the orphanage was for his son, just less poor.
Janet Jackson’s boyfriend, Jermaine Dupri had an awkward exit from Virgin Records Friday. Rumors say Janet’s pathetic new CD, produced by Jermaine, was a big reason why. He tried to “let a nip slip” to save his job, but it didn’t quite work.
Jessica Simpson prefers a holistic healer over a doctor. Where’s George Michael?
You can buy a night out in Vegas with Dennis Rodman on eBay. As of Sunday, there are no bids, and a starting price of $7500. Doesn’t he know the going rate of a highly diseased male prostitute in Vegas?
Not really celebrity news, but I’m excited about news that “Fraggle Rock” is going to become a movie.
Capricorn
Are you secretly holding onto an old longing? Be careful — if you let it sit inside you unvoiced, you could start to feel resentful. Emotions like those can start to fester, just like that Taco Bell bean burrito that fell behind your couch two months ago.
Gemini
There’s a part of you that loves chaos — the more ideas, places and people floating around, the better. No, that’s not an excuse to drown your mailman in the bathtub. You’re the one that let your subscription to High Times lapse, not him.
Libra
Relating to another person and creating solid partnerships is key to your sense of happiness. It’s time to look at the partnerships you already have and be thankful. Then look at the ones that need a little more help. Your neglect of Teddy Ruxpin has gone too far.
Pisces
The stars say that it’s time to get the teeter-tottering movement of your emotional state under control. Just because you feel like going to extremes inwardly doesn’t mean that your outer life has to reflect that. Lose the handlebar moustache, already.
Stooks Proverb:
Anna Nicole’s non-boyfriend potential baby daddy has a creepy website up as a tribute to the baby he says is his. All the baby has to do now is get old enough to read, write and understand symbolism and she’ll understand his true love. It looks like Anna isn’t in any hurry to get back to the States for a paternity test.
Mary-Kate’s been spotted smooching on Ashley’s boyfriend. It was just a peck on the cheeck, but in the Full House world, that’s like dropping a Screech-like move.
Yesterday, word broke that Burke from Grey’s Anatomy said “I’m not your little faggot like (name withheld).” I wonder if this is related: today, the guy who plays George came out of the closet. Classy.
Kazakhstan has been criticising Sasha Baron Cohen for his Kazakh character “Borat,” even convincing movie theaters there to ban his movie. Now, they want him to visit. I would probably decline that invite.
Paris Hilton’s been trying to avoid the screening of “Pledge This,” her latest movie. It’s supposed to be awful, and she wants to have as little to do with its promotion as possible. She doesn’t want to hurt her acting career by being associated with the flop. Uh, Paris, I think Hollywood has IMDB, too.
Haley Joel Osment made a plea deal for his DUI/pot possession case. The only reason I bring this up is because the story reveals that Haley was driving a 1995 Saturn. Nice.
Remember how rare everyone said stingray attacks were after the Crocodile Hunter died? Some 81-year-old dude had one leap into his boat in Florida, that went on to sting him in the heart. So far, he’s still alive.
Okay, there’s a little more to the $3.5 million deal O.J.’s getting for a tell-all book about the murders. It’s written from the perspective of “If I killed them, this is what would’ve occurred.” That’s messed up.
We talked about one of the more sensitive issues facing America today: what do you do when you’re talking to someone who has a boog hanging?
Segment 1 (4:21)
Segment 2 (3:55)
In other show activity…
A Harry Potter fan is excited about the plausibility of an ‘invisibility cloak.’ (2:03)
Leo
A little modesty adds an intriguing element to your usual self-confidence. Others are intrigued by this humble side of you, but they mostly think your megaphone simply broke.
Sagittarius
It’s time for you to take it to the limit. In the process, you might discover that those so-called limits are really just self-perceived limitations. Give yourself permission to try all kinds of things. You’ll show Screech who the real Sultan of Scat is!
Taurus
You can’t be considered a sore loser if you remember the most important lesson from this endeavor. Take responsibility for all your actions. Well, all your actions except the time you urinated on that bum in the alley.
Virgo
Other people need to make a lot of bluster to feel like they have a place in this world. You, on the other hand, are so secure that you can afford to be subtle, discreet and quiet. And since you can’t grow a Hitler stash anyway, you’ll have to impress Mel Gibson with your drunken ramblings.
Stooks Proverb: Never do things by halves. Except for Mangino. Always do him in halves.
You could have Kevin Federline at your next party for just $15 thousand. You just have to let him promote his CD. And have a fully stocked pantry of Cheetos.
Madonna and Guy Ritchie have finally been spotted in England. Madonna went to her pilates session. Guy went on a bike ride. Their new baby boy got to spend some more time without them. Maybe she isn’t such a bad parent, after all. The tabloids say she’s looking into getting a girl next.
It looks like Eddie Murphy is going to be a new baby daddy, too! He and Scary Spice are expecting. Who would’ve thought simply getting knocked up by Eddie Murphy could get someone other than Posh in the press.
Omarosa has new boobs. She’s talking about it publicly to “avoid speculation.” I don’t know how much speculating you really need to do, though:
Random: Lance Armstrong and Matthew McConaughey are really close friends. With his lung capacity, you’d think Lance would upset Matthew by smoking all his pot in one draw.
The Enquirer says O.J. is getting $3.5 million to describe how he killed his ex and her lover “blow by blow.” Why do I get the feeling “then I watched Naked Gun 33 1/3” will be in the book?
Also from The Enquirer: Isaiah Washington may lose his job as Dr. Burke on Grey’s Anatomy for what he said before choking Patrick Dempsey on the set: “I’m not your little faggot like (name withheld).” Gay bashing and attacking the male lead on the set don’t usually guarantee job security.
Sharon Osbourne is having her gastric bypass surgery undone and turning to psychotherapy instead to control her eating. That poor psychiatrist.
No Paris Hilton or Lohan story? WTF?!
Here’s our latest video. Thanks to Photoshop Adam for the video/artwork.
Askmen.com is encouraging its readers to ask for a girl’s email address instead of her phone number.
We discussed.
Segment 1 – featuring the High Lady (5:02)
Segment 2 (0:30)
Segment 3 (2:16)
Segment 4 (4:34)
Segment 5 (4:39)
In other show activity…
One of our listeners has done some research on the porn industry (3:57).
Aquarius
Education takes you even further than you thought it would. So the topic is unusual — after all, if you want to learn about ant farming practices, why shouldn’t you? It could come in handy in an unexpected manner: making your boss do the “ants in my pants” dance.
Cancer
Giving back to the Earth is a good thing. Tell that to the police the next time they question you as you pop a squat in the woods.
Scorpio
A need for solitude gets turned up a notch. Just make sure you let the people in your life know that this is a temporary thing. If they know you well, they should be used to your pension for sitting in the closet surrounded by your My Little Pony collection.
Aries
A barrage of self-criticism takes you off guard. Who is this inner critic, and why on earth is he speaking so loudly right now? It seems you’ve been possessed by the soul of Gene Siskel again.
Stooks Proverb: Dog does not eat dog. Unless it crashes in the mountains and some greedy person already ate all the chocolate.
Stooks plays the old woman. Chris plays Harold, her husband. They call in about the passing of the metrosexual trend.
Britney Spears has started a contest to see who can sell the most copies of Kevin Federline’s CD, which comes out Halloween. First place gets to party with Britney and Kevin at the CD release party. Second place gets a pair of his old tennis shoes. Third place gets a spent joint with Kevin Federline’s DNA on it.
Madonna’s newly stolen baby has arrived in England. Madonna and Guy Ritchie will bless the baby with their presence in “the next few days.” That’s when they’ll get sick of playing with their TMX Elmo and start playing with their new toy. Madonna has found time, however, to tell everyone she followed the law in adopting the kid.
Anna Nicole busted on film popping pills! Twelve years ago. She must’ve killed her son!
Fittingly, Justin Timberlake will headline CBS’ Victoria’s Secret Gala in December. Maybe they’ll test his strength with some kind of new “unbreakable” bra.
There’s a warrant out for Wesley Snipes’ arrest. The feds say he defrauded the tax system. Plus, “Blade: Trinity” was really lame.
Finally, Joan Rivers is speaking out about Mel Gibson. “He’s an anti-Semitic son of a bitch.” Mel’s response? “Good one. She’s been dead for at least a dozen years.”
Ashlee Simpson has found someone new to ruin: Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. They left a restaurant in London together. They were even holding hands! Hopefully none of Ashlee’s suck rubbed off on Fergie.
