Enough with the clever crowd signs that play off the name of the network televising the game. “Quick! Everyone! Come look at this original sign I made! Maybe I’ll get on TV! Look! I constructed it using all the letters of the network! Do you know how hard that was! Who wants to play Scrabble!…
Queen Latifah was a terrible host. You could tell she was going to be awful when she said she dreamt of hosting the Grammys when she was a kid. I want to meet the kid who says “When I grow up, I wanna host the Grammys.” That kid should be given a contract to host…
And there’s no way Keanu Reeves read the scipt and said “Now it all makes perfect sense!”
Snap. Can someone tell me what that word means? I was at a local drinking establishment last night, and some apparently really clever guy comes in and yells out “SNAP!” to one of his friends. Then his brilliant friend starts laughing. I thought to myself, “I will never be friends with either of those guys.…
First off, no one ever says “Supersize me!” But every pre-packaged food item assumes “Downsize me!” The Totino’s Party Pizza says you can get two servings out of it at 380 calories apiece. Baloney. It’s one serving, 760 calories. If you are splitting a Totino’s between two people, you better have a hefty dessert prepared.…
Bob Barker gave a big smooch to the University of Kansas Glee Club on the Price Is Right today. Whoever the putz is who replaced Rod Roddy called John Johnson down, he happens to be the director of the Glee Club. Before the showcase showdown, Bob asked the club to sing a song. By the…
Isn’t that fun how I figured out how to type “ñ”? You can do it by holding down the “alt” key and typing “164”. For more fun Spanish characters, check this out. Anyhow, I can’t believe there is a new article on El Niño. Wasn’t El Niño more of a 1999 story? I know my…
What makes Judge Judy so sexy? Maybe it’s the doily around her neck. By the way, there’s an online store that specializes in doilies, thedoilyplace.com. I think we’re taking Judge Judith Sheindlin for granted. When she first became popular, SNL targetted her, and everyone was talking. Now, it seems like she keeps on raising her…
They should change the slogan to “The Worldwide Leader in Sucks.” Okay that might not be the best marketing statement, but it’s true. I invested my money in an HDTV, and ESPN is one of the culprits ruining the experience. None of the good games are available in HD. Instead, ESPN wastes all of its…
If I had to pick one thing I regret more than anything else, what would it be? In all my years, I’ve never once been part of a group high five. Sadly, I don’t think I’ve witnessed one outside of Saved By The Bell. How come no one does this practice? Is it because pulling…
I promise this will be the last post on toilets for awhile. No two snowflakes are the same. No two toilets flush the same. Have you ever noticed? I think it’s time to change that “People are like snowflakes” line to “People are like toilets.” Much snazzier if you ask me.
I know someone who talks on their cell phone while they are in the can. I’m not talking about an in-and-out visit, either. More like 20 minutes or so in there. On the phone. On the toilet. Disgusting. If you’re expecting a call, and answer the phone while you’re in there, that’s one thing. But…
Ha. I love watching people when a cop car is around. They always drive five miles under the speed limit and stay squarely in their own lane. Last night, I was at a stop light. A police car was in the left lane. A truck was in front of me and wanted to turn right.…
The Eagles. Why? Because wide receiver Freddie Mitchell is friends with Mario Lopez. So what? Will I pick anyone who has Mario Lopez as a friend to win the Superbowl? No. Only those who are friends with both Mario Lopez and Jaleel White.
makes me want to kiss myself on the lips, which is pretty hard to do.
The Apprentice: Martha Stewart will be a new show on NBC. Shouldn’t they have had this show before she went to jail? What good will an apprentice do when the Queen of Quilts gets out?
Not to be confused with the hit movie starring Samuel L. Jackson. Last year, I switched to T-Mobile. After I signed up, Sprint PCS did everything but get on their knees (for various reasons) to keep me. I could’ve gotten the world from Sprint if I had threatened before switching. Well, it’s time again. For…
Have you ever noticed some random substance on your car, and you have no idea where it came from or what exactly it is? Take a look at the reddish substance on the door of my ’98 Corolla. What is that? Take a closer look. Gotta love the quality of camera-phones. I’m close to licking…
Can you believe this? Keanu Reeves gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame before I do. Quick! Somebody get in a phone booth and stop Keanu from ever taking the “Johnny Utah” role in Point Break opposite Patrick “Crazy For” Swayze!
“Bird brains not as primitive as once thought” is the headline to this story. So the next time someone calls you “Bird Brain,” smile, and say, “Thank you.” Too bad. That was a good insult.
If I advertised on TV, I would demand that my commercial followed this phrase. After all, only the really cute, cuddly corporations help out the blind. By the way, I read for Audio-Reader, which turns magazines into little radio programs for blind people. Who wants to cuddle?
Apparently, when Roy Williams left Kansas for North Carolina two years ago, all of the old shirts with his name on it went to the gas stations in Lawrence. At least two different gas stations still have Roy Williams merchandise prominently displayed in their stores. You can get a “Roy’s Boys” shirt for five bucks…
Have you noticed that liquor stores are the only places that can name their store the exact same thing as what they sell? Go find a liquor store. There’s a 95 percent chance they have “Liquor,” “Wine and Liquor,” “Spirits,” or some other generic name. Especially if it’s in a strip mall. Why don’t they…
Besides piling a bunch of people in the back, there’s nothing trashier than the guy who drives his old, beat-up pickup truck with his girlfriend sitting in the middle seat with no other passengers. Isn’t that cute? They can’t stand not being next to each other. Sadly, everyone else can.
I’m not a big fan of having to use the public restroom after a case of too many hot wings, but it happens. I don’t know if anything in life scares me more than making accidental contact with the porcelain at a public toilet. Yes, that kind of contact. I don’t know if my technique…
Before the whole Janet Jackson thing, I would bite my fingernails at the beginning of NYPD Blue. If the screen before the show said “This police drama contains adult language and partial nudity. Viewer disrection is advised,” I would let out a cheer like Rocky’s son when Stallone started his comeback against Ivan Drago. If…
“This bread is pretty good, but it’d be better if it came in stick form.” I wonder who the first person to say that was. Whoever it was deserves some kind of humanitarian award, posthumously, of course. What an unbelievable food item. But there’s something even more unbelievable. Olive Garden, and more impressively, Fazoli’s give…
Remember when Slater’s chameleon died? Jessie led the procession with a moving rendition of “Oh, Artie Boy.” Take a listen.
“Singer Ricky Martin is on an urgent mission. Our cameras follow him inside the tsunami zone.” -from an Oprah promo Oprah, how desperate are you? Ricky Martin? This isn’t July 9, 1999, when Ricky and J.Lo were tearing it up before showing up on your show. “The tsunami zone?” Great word choice Oprah. Can more…
This show just doesn’t have it anymore. And it’s hurting its place in history. The writing is too formulaic: Lisa becomes an activist for some new cause, Marge is upset at Homer, Bart is clashing with Skinner, Homer is making weird noises. Wow, sounds like the characters are all based on Jessie, Kelly, Zach and…