Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) Knowing what you want is an important first step, but keep reminding yourself that in order to get this off the ground, there are many steps along the way. Start with changing your diaper. Cancer (June 22 – July 22) You want to get this party started — you…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) Everybody needs some silly nonsense in his or her life. Your spirit could do with a little refreshment, so do something you haven’t done in a while. Give your spirit some Orbitz to chew on. Gemini (May 21 – June 21) The strangest things pop out of your mouth…
Leo (July 23 – August 22) Why not give yourself the gift of care and attention? Once you do, you’ll see why no one else wants to. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Happiness is a state of mind. It’s not dictated by outward circumstances or an outward belly button. Taurus (April 20 – May…
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) Slow and steady does the trick. In fact, it gets you to the top of the mountain. Whew! Yet after all that effort, you’re not even winded. Barry Bonds sure hooked you up. Unfortunately, he didn’t give you the ability to explain away the now-watermelon-like object sitting on your…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) If anyone knows how to go the distance, it’s you. People marvel at your stamina, and it’s true — right now you feel like you could go on forever. Just don’t forget the Fire Sauce. You tend to do that when inebriated. Gemini (May 21 – June 21) The…
Leo (July 23 – August 22) Sometimes, quitting while you’re ahead is actually the best thing you can do to ensure your future progress. In other words, quit “Rock, Paper, Scissors” the second you’re up. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Working hard or hardly working? Actually, while others think you’re having fun, you’re actually…
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The how and why of your behavior is a constantly evolving mystery. It seems like the more you delve into your psyche, the more layers and secrets you find. That’s all part of the fun, until you find the layer with your grandma’s inappropriate touching. Surely she knew how…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) Honesty is definitely the best policy in this situation. Expect some bewildered looks as you explain why you felt the need to run through Aggieville wearing only a liberal amount of brownie batter. Gemini (May 21 – June 21) Your surface is bright and sparkly, but underneath there are…
Leo (July 23 – August 22) Striking up a conversation is like playing music with someone: you have to allow yourself to get into the rhythm. Sure, there’ll be some fits and starts, but hang in there. After a while, you two will find your groove. Although, onlookers might think you’re a bit off for…
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) An odd duck just needs you to make way for them so they can feel at home. You’re just the ambassador who can translate his or her strangeness for the people. Not everyone will know that this person fanning their armpits is a sign of endearment. Cancer (June 22…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) Hmmm. Why do you keep running into you-know-who? Taking it nice and easy helps you see how a new person can fit into your life. Time to un-retire your Pog collection. Gemini (May 21 – June 21) The stars go out of their way to make sure the channels…
Leo (July 23 – August 22) There’s no need to ask where the party is — the party is wherever you are. Unfortunately, no one ever attends. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) A few tasks have fallen by the wayside while you’ve been concentrating on more important matters: body hair sculpting. Taurus (April 20…
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) Your spirits need a boost. It’s time to take yourself out. You can go solo or not, but it’s important to get out there and have a fantastic time. Beware of yelling “weeeee!” while riding the Farris wheel alone. Cancer (June 22 – July 22) Things can get heated…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) Like the song goes, you can’t always get what you want. But if you really examine your reasons for wanting it, you’ll end up pretty grateful that you didn’t get it in the first place. It’s unlikely that a $500 Super Mario outfit will land you a new lover.…
Leo (July 23 – August 22) Be very clear about what you both expect if you’re about to lend a friend something you value. In fact, maybe you should just go ahead and give them that tampon outright. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) It takes a lot of courage and heart to work through…
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) You have an uncanny ability to see trouble coming from afar. But, frankly, Louie Anderson’s ass is large enough that anyone should be able to see it coming, and move out of the way in time. Cancer (June 22 – July 22) You’re in a mood, and it’s imperative…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) Binding agreements and long-term situations are looking pretty good to you right about now. And Catharine Zeta-Jones only sweetens the deal. Gemini (May 21 – June 21) Hoping for the best is always a great outlook, but it doesn’t hurt to have a back-up plan just in case. Save…
Leo (July 23 – August 22) This association is improbable, firstly because you-know-who is the last person you ever pictured yourself associating with, and secondly because of how utterly delightful and necessary they’ve become. If Carrot Top can change, everybody can change! (Insert Russian translation here) Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) It’s time to…
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) It’s tempting to make promises, but can you fulfill them all? If not, it’s better to be honest right off the bat. You’ll feel adult and responsible for knowing your limits, and others will respect your truthfulness, ever though you can’t really put your legs behind your head while…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) Someone insists on barging into your private time. That’s why you should always do that under the covers. Can’t you crochet in peace? Gemini (May 21 – June 21) Sometimes you just have to throw all your eggs into the skillet in order to make a big, beautiful omelet.…
Leo (July 23 – August 22) You can really benefit from listening to the wisdom in your dreams. Continue ignoring the hermaphrodites in your dreams. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Don’t fret if things feel off-kilter in your personal situation now. You can’t always be on an even keel, especially with your Rolaids habit.…
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) It’s tempting to say that you’re right and everyone else is wrong, but is that truly the case? Yes. And it’s time to do some convincing with the help of a knife, hypothetical O.J.-style. Cancer (June 22 – July 22) The same old thing simply doesn’t get you going.…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) Upheaval may feel unsettling, but it also supplies many opportunities that may not come again. Not everyone has as many opportunities to hurl on their supervisor as you do. Gemini (May 21 – June 21) Don’t be too quick to dismiss what’s just happened in your life. After all,…
Leo You’re intensely fascinating, and the world around you is waking up to that fact. Few signs are as well equipped to deal with adulation as you are. “Yield” has you beat. Sagittarius Pursue your goals with fierce determination. Distractions have no place in your life at this moment; all you can think about is…
Aquarius Style-wise, you’ve got it going on. Whether it’s words, clothes, food or organization, somehow you manage to put everything together in a way that totally works and is totally you. You’re a trendsetter…for carpet baggers. Cancer Old resentments can go deep, and with good reason — this person really delivered quite a blow. Forgive…
Capricorn Thanks to your leadership, old issues are illuminated and people are motivated to take positive action. Your abilities bring attention to a neglected area that’s been swept under the rug for too long: cleaning behind your ears. Gemini Finding the sweet spot between focus and energy is an art, and you can do it!…
Leo True friendships are a gift, and right now your social life is simply an embarrassment of riches. Make sure you honor them in the ways they deserve: the sombrero birthday treatment at El Tapatio. Just make sure you have some Licex on standby. Sagittarius A little indulgence is just the affirmation you need. It…
Aquarius A telephone isn’t just another way to have a conversation when you’re doing the talking. It can also be an amazing instrument for change. It can strangle, bash skulls and make music at the same time! Cancer Go and get a little frisky. Some regularly scheduled mayhem will help you remember that it’s good…
Capricorn Saying something naughty can have such a nice effect. What’s the harm in a little mischievous flirtation? The object of your attention will be visibly flattered, you’ll feel an extra pep in your step, and your boss will have to rent a steam cleaner for the carpet in his office. Gemini Coming up with…
Leo Someone enters your life who might be part of it forever. A new friend, lover or mentor — the stars say that it could be any one of those three. Or Hugh Downs. Sagittarius An upbeat energy fills your life, and just in time too. You’re game for just about anything: hot-air balloon rides,…