Tough emotional times can definitely be draining, but cheer up, because this has only made you stronger. Loved ones lend their support to you wholeheartedly. Now you know that you can handle just about anything, even both Kathy’s Griffin and Lee Gifford.
Gemini
Everyone’s feelings are a touch more sensitive than usual right now, so tread carefully. Speaking without thinking could backfire in some surprising ways. Besides, your argument about Melrose place is a little flawed.
Libra
You genuinely enjoy people, and the more different they are from each other, the better. You get the best out of every situation. You’re getting a reputation as quite the scenester, and you’re loving every moment of it!Much better than when you were getting a reputation as a sewer scavenger.
Pisces
Of course you want someone to be able to meet all of your emotional needs, but is that realistic or even desirable? Absolutely not! Be wiser about your emotional needs, and turn to other resources, like Highlights magazine.
Stooks Proverb: Stupid is as stupid does.Or if your Paris Hilton, stupid just does…everyone.
McGwire before he realized Jose needed to do more than just bump arms to give him some steroids. Then, he was confused by the whole ass injection procedure for awhile.
I was up too late last night, so no morning show. But I did have the pleasure of sitting in with Justin while he did his half of the Power Hits end of year countdown show. We had a good time.
Put your determination on display. Yeah, just keep sitting there with your Pringles can on the Polydent-stained coach you got from your grandpa.
Sagittarius(November 22 – December 21)
Let the rational reenter your life as you restore organization to some parts that have gone topsy-turvy. A little chaos every now and then is necessary, but now it’s time to clean everything up.Don’t ask O.J. for advice on that.“If I cleaned up after slaughtering” wasn’t picked up, either.
Taurus(April 20 – May 20)
You’re in the mood to live large. Consult Mark Mangino for tips.
Virgo(August 23 – September 22)
It’s easy to judge someone based on something that’s actually just a small part of the overall picture. But should you really base your opinions of people on your ability to solve the Magic Eye puzzles at their house?
Stooks Proverb: Laughter is the best medicine, excluding diseases native to Britney’s crotch.
Donald Trump continues to amuse over Rosie. She called him a pimp on her blog, and he responded. “Rosie got mentally beaten up by me, because she’s a mental midget, a lowlife. I think she’s got a death wish. It’s too bad a degenerate is able to get away with things like that.” Did he forget about her being fat? What’s going on?
WorldofBritney.com is shutting down. From TMZ.com: “As Britney keeps losing her identity and credibility within fans and industry people, so is [World of Britney],” writes Ruben Garay. “I believe Britney is unfortunately done (for me at least). No matter what anyone thinks or how they may disagree, it’s very hard to maintain the respect needed to keep things going.” Ruben says it wasn’t all the vagina’s fault. There was Kevin Federline, too.
Now that you’ve pinpointed what you really want to do, you’ll be surprised at the influential person who steps forward to help you on your chosen path: a mummified Don Knotts.
Cancer(June 22 – July 22)
You need to shed whatever’s not working, mainly, your Diddy-line Raccoon Dog fur jacket.
Scorpio(October 23 – November 21)
Acting with integrity ensures that the future of this situation will be as smooth as possible. The stars suggest you play it straight, so maybe you should lose the two-sizes-two-small Power Puff Girls Summer Short pajamas you’ve been strutting your stuff in.
Aries(March 21 – April 19)
Cooperation could turn to competition if the players’ aggressive impulses go unchecked. This may not be unwelcome, however, since passions will be aroused in all kinds of areas, especially your medulla oblongata.
Stooks Proverb: He who has no children, brings them up well.Or, at least better than Michael Jackson.
You believe two heads are better than one, and the stars give you a chance to prove it.Well, YouTube has the Siamese twins video, too.You might try that first.
Gemini(May 21 – June 21)
A difference of opinion could turn into something fiery.Wear a condom.No glove, no love.
Libra(September 23 – October 22)
Self-sacrifice is absolutely necessary at certain times, but this isn’t one of them. Why must you mutilate yourself at your aunt’s Christmas party.
Pisces(February 19 – March 20)
The stars give you this opportunity to hone in on the top tasks in your life. It’s time to make a clean sweep of less successful efforts from the past. Make sure to back everything up and keep all your helpers in the loop.Keep O.J. on standby.The guy, not the fruit juice.
Stooks Proverb: Don’t suffer the fate of the boy who cried “wolf.”I mean crying “wolf,” in front of your friends?Pretty lame.
An unorthodox job opportunity could open up your possibilities for creative freedom. But remember, people just don’t tip as well for fecal art as they used to.
Sagittarius(November 22 – December 21)
Relationships improve when you apply a good attitude to them. If you do, you’ll be able to make smart decisions and stay firmly rooted in the here and now. Who knew that by giving yourself the present, you’d give yourself a future as well?Too bad you’ll never be able to tell anyone about your past.That poor street sweeper.
Taurus(April 20 – May 20)
The more you’re able to clear your to-do list, the better you feel. Focus on reducing rather than increasing, and you’ll see how easy it is to simplify your life. This sense of relief is easily attained: Head On.Apply directly to the forehead.
Virgo(August 23 – September 22)
You love helping people out, but the stars say it’s time to take a step back to live your own life. Your sock puppets will be fine.
Stooks Proverb: The family that prays together, stays together, especially if they pray in a vat full of Super Glue.
Today, we spent some time looking over some of our favorite clips over the past year. Since Chris is leaving the show, we explained some of his bits a little more.
You’ve heard some of these before, but not with the fun explanations from today’s show.
Take off in a brand-new direction. It’s time to show off your skills — including a few that people didn’t know you had. Just be sure no small children are around when you do it.That trick is illegal in most states and Puerto Rico.Just ask Screech.
Cancer(June 22 – July 22)
Choose to radiate serenity, even if everyone around you decides to cop an attitude. It’ll take practice at first, but all this effort will pay off. You’ll soar past old obstacles toward new successes, mainly, schizophrenia.
Scorpio(October 23 – November 21)
Who knew you could run into romance while taking care of errands? Be sure you don’t get so caught up in the hustle and bustle that you miss the smile a cute stranger is sending your way. What is it about transsexuals, anyway?
Aries(March 21 – April 19)
Take a long look at your finances and career before you join in with someone else’s plans. Is this really what you want? Is it even possible right now? These are all crucial questions to ask before you make a move. It may be time to face the possibility that you just can’t hang when it comes to Connect Four.
Stooks Proverb: Ninety percent of inspiration is perspiration.So, when people tell you you smell, just pretend they said “you’re so inspired.”
Feel like someone’s put a second helping of anxiety on your plate and you didn’t even ask for the first? Maybe it’s time you speak up and say “can’t someone get some G D mashed potatoes up in here.
Gemini(May 21 – June 21)
Lately the tried-and-true just hasn’t been doing it for you — you definitely crave novelty more than most. Are you ready to try something new? No, not hoola-hooping.You’re still not ready for that level of cognition.
Libra(September 23 – October 22)
Did you take a detour and end up stranded? Never fear, because this time is almost over. The path may not be straight at first, but you’ll get used to it. Mel Gibson puked on it the first couple times, but he had a handicap.
Pisces(February 19 – March 20)
You’ve been eyeing an objective for a long time, especially since you know it’s well within your reach. Who put the Twinkees on top of the refrigerator in the first place?
Stooks Proverb: There’s a black sheep in every flock.And Kramer is thinking about sticking it upside down with a fork in its buttocks.
Britney’s going to burlesque clubs, by the way. Here’s an incident from the weekend: Britney, while smoking, got on stage, “gyrated for the crowd,” and showed off her bra. The club owner asked her to move out of the way. Then, she started drinking again.
It’s time to pack up your troubles and get happy. Your luck has just taken a spectacular turn for the better. Now you can gleefully put away any lingering problems that have been on your mind for far too long.Go ahead, try on your grandma’s underwear.No one’s looking.
Sagittarius(November 22 – December 21)
Renewed energy arrives in the nick of time. Diego always comes through for you in a pinch.
Taurus(April 20 – May 20)
Your stable nature also has some wackiness. You’re a multifaceted, fascinating person. Someone out there sees this softer side of you and likes what they see: a basket-weaving fool.
Virgo(August 23 – September 22)
You have great expectations and, what’s more, the abilities to make them become a reality. Some friends have their own issues and aren’t thrilled about this. Maybe if you could resist the urge to lure small children into your cardboard theater for sock puppets, they’d see things differently.
Stooks Proverb: Your tongue can paint what the eye can’t see.Maybe Britney will hire you.
It seems that SNL has been pretty decent lately. I’ve only made it halfway through the Justin Timberlake episode from this weekend, but it’s been real solid.
In fact, I think this is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen them do. I have new respect for Timberlake.
Sad: Joe Barbera of Hanna-Barbera died at 95. They had tons of badass cartoons: Flintstones, Jetsons, Yogi, Scooby, Don Knotts, The Harlem Globetrotters, Sonny and Cher…
All the stars are on your side, so ride out these recent upheavals. They may not look pretty on the surface, but if you wait, you’ll see how they actually end up being beneficial. You could open up a diner with that much face grease.
Cancer(June 22 – July 22)
The universe thinks you’re on the right track, and it’s sending you little encouragements to keep your spirits up. You’re frustrated because you want a bigger sign. Try taping several pieces of poster board together.
Scorpio(October 23 – November 21)
The more you can detach yourself from a conflict, the better you’re able to state your case. Try bathing in tomato sauce before you talk to the sewer people.
Aries(March 21 – April 19)
If actual travel’s not possible, explore places you don’t know in a mental or spiritual way. Roam if you want to! That’s the way Catherine Zeta Jones would’ve wanted it…if she were dead.
Stooks Proverb: Don’t fear a crooked shadow, unless it has a chainsaw.
