Johnny Rowlands, Kansas City’s eye in the sky, drives an Escalade with the license plate “CHOPPR9” (for NewsChopper 9). He pulled into a Sonic near my house this morning. Nice peach-fuzz mustache, Rowlands I’m no Rowlands hater, but this pushes me in that direction. Piloting the coolest traffic copter in Kansas City isn’t enough. He…
I’ve been on Facebook for awhile now (here’s my profile (membership required) (first triple quadruple parentheses on mattstooks.com ever) (not sure I did that right)). I love it so much more for what it could be than what it actually is. MySpace and Facebook didn’t get popular until I was well out of college. As…
Check out the top items in Google Trends for 10 pm Thursday. They’re all for lyrics. It’s quite the variety, too. I didn’t realize “Green Acres” was such a great sing-a-long song. 1. green acres lyrics2. soul man lyrics3. should i stay or should i go lyrics4. taking care of business lyrics5. if i could…
I’m making my way through the Republican YouTube Debate. This is depressing, and not just because Anderson Cooper has to say “time” 15 times per response before a candidate finally shuts up. How about cutting a candidate’s mic 10 seconds after you say “time.” Why hasn’t CNN hired me yet? I haven’t been around all…
It’s been too long since we’ve talked about a crappy poll. Here’s a new one. Kids aged 2-12 think Britney Spears and Paris Hilton are more deserving of coal in their stockings than the Grinch and Darth Vader. So, little kids think Britney and Paris are naughtier than two of the most evil fictional bad…
You’ll be able to finish your 50-state quarter collection by the end of 2008. The Mint is pleased with the results (bold mine). The states have been honored in the order they were admitted to the union, starting with Delaware. It was honored with a quarter in 1999. The effort kicked off a collecting craze…
Carson Daly is making a huge mistake. NBC’s “Last Call with Carson Daly” is about to become the first late-night talk show to defy the writers strike and resume production. Daly, who is not a member of the Writers Guild, will begin taping new episodes of his Burbank-based show this week for airing next week.…
For years, I’ve dreaded laundry day. It’s reached a peak over the past year. Every time I do laundry, I think “I’m going to have to do this for the rest of my life.” It’s a depressing thought. I did the laundry today. I’m proud to say I’ve finally found a reasonable way to do…
A new message might be coming from Osama bin Laden. Will it be a video? Will Osama sport an embarrassing new facial hair style? Or will he steer clear of the “Just for Men” treatment this time? Some website, obviously stocked with pedophiles, but surely devoid of babies playing with iPhones, Lolcats, and girls feasting…
Hulk Hogan’s wife wants a share of their Florida mansions, alimony and child support. As long as she doesn’t run off with a third-rate wrestler, mix a bunch of drugs with alcohol and die, Hulk’s still got one up on Macho Man. You’ll never guess which one dies in a chemically induced haze
Thanks to his Nobel Prize win, Al Gore got the pleasure of meeting with President Bush Monday. You know Gore wants to smack that smirk right off W’s face The two spent 40 minutes in a private Oval Office meeting. Al says they spent the whole time talking about global warming. I call BS on…
Rather than go to Arrowhead Stadium for KU-MU, we went to Ugly Joe’s at 103rd and State Line. You see, Arrowhead is clearly in Missouri. Ugly Joe’s is right on the border, making it more suitable for the whole “Border War” mentality. Yeah, that’s it. It was almost a 50/50 KU-MU crowd. Obviously, a similar…
Thanksgiving dinner is hours away, and I can only hope that I’m not too late in posting this warning. At Thanksgiving, you will eat something you wouldn’t otherwise ever eat. If it’s a potluck occasion, you’re doubly screwed. You see, there’s always one frightening dish at every Thanksgiving dinner. And, you’ll have to eat it.…
Mike Huckabee keeps trying to trick everyone into thinking he’s the Republican, less orally pleased Bill Clinton. He’ll really be pushing it once he starts playing guitar on the modern day version of Arsenio Hall (Ellen?). Note to the media: Yes, you saw “I Heart Huckabees.” That doesn’t give you the right to put “_____…
I was pretty much through with this show, but got suckered into watching it last night. Rosie O’Donnell is on four episodes of Nip/Tuck this season. I’m sure it was her idea to have the “ass bandit” story line inserted (teehee). Seeing Rosie’s face while a couple of digits plunged into her rectum was everything I…
Why is Thanksgiving a month from Christmas? Many people live far away from their families. Others just see each other on the major holidays regardless of location. Don’t you think that’s a bit too much “family time” all at once? Isn’t it a bit too much food all at once, too? Shouldn’t the holidays be…
I don’t want to turn this into “The Bodily Functions Blog,” but my right eyebrow is twitching. Observe.
Google Trends is a pretty cool tool for seeing what the world is searching for over a given time period. I subscribe to an RSS feed in Google Reader that delivers the latest hot trends. Some pretty random stuff shows up. For example, tonight’s 11 pm feed shows Habba Syndrome at number 13. What is…
Fred Goldman is still pissed at O.J. “Our intent is to continue to pursue him, to continue to hold him accountable and responsible for Ron’s murder,” he said during a recent phone interview from his daughter’s home in the Los Angeles suburb of Santa Clarita. “And we’re going to continue to do that until he’s dead.”…
I have a cold. As a result, I have a perfectly functioning left nostril and a continuously clogged right nostril. I can successfully blow the right nostril clean for 0.238 seconds before it clogs back up. Where does this endless snot reservoir reside within me? Why does its hose only lead to my right nostril? Is…
I went to the 810 Zone on the Plaza Saturday night. We, or at least I, drank way too much beer while spending the entire time in the impressive arcade room. I showed off my amazing strengh on the punching bag machine. We decided I was, pound for pound, the best boxer to ever…
Girls breasts are getting bigger with every generation. Check out this article and all the hilarious profile shots of grandma’s tiny boobs, mom’s medium boobs, and daughter’s suffocation sacks. Here’s one family’s sample. See how the smug, big-breasted look on the face of the youngest contrasts with the humble, washboard-chested look on grandma’s face? This…
Have you ever been in a car with heated seats? They’re quite handy when it gets cold outside. But if you’re not expecting the seat warmer to be on, it’s quite a different sensation, as you feel your ass slowly warm for reasons you can’t explain. It’s more of a “Did I just crap myself?”…
Poor Barry. Barry Bonds, Major League Baseball’s all-time home-run leader, was indicted by a U.S. grand jury on charges of obstructing justice and perjury for lying about using steroids. This doesn’t affect my unending desire to play the Barry World on Super Mario Galaxy.
Check out those silly teens. More than four in 10 teens, or 43 percent, who instant message use it for things they wouldn’t say in person, according to an Associated Press-AOL poll released Thursday. Twenty-two percent use IMs to ask people out on dates or accept them, and 13 percent use them to break up.…
First, Marie Osmond faints on Dancing with the Stars. Now, her son’s going into rehab. What exactly are they smoking at the Osmond house? I would pass on that pipe, if I were you. Apparently, it causes your hair to go mad, too. Locks of Love needs that mane, Marie And, for the fun of…
Gene Simmons shares his insight on the music industry. There is nothing in me that wants to go in there and do new music. How are you going to deliver it? How are you going to get paid for it if people can just get it for free? The record industry doesn’t have a f—ing…
The United States bridge team is facing a “Dixie Chicks-style backlash” for the sign below, which reads “We did not vote for Bush.” They were trying to convey a “hey, we didn’t vote for him, don’t boo us” message at the world bridge championships. What did they convey instead? Only our fuglies were smart enough…
Matt Damon is People’s Sexiest Man Alive. Mama Fratelli retains her title as Ugliest Woman Dead.