A couple of weeks ago, we went to Harpo’s in Westport. Jon ditched us to hit on some 40-year-old, possible lesbians. An overhead shot of Jon with the suspected lesbians I bet he spent two hours talking to these women. He says they talked about life, love, the world — you know, all the things [...]
Matt Stooks.com
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Monthly Archives December 2007
High-level fandome
What exactly does the tiger tail on this car indicate? A. I’m a Missouri Tiger fan and this is my car’s tail. B. I hate the Missouri Tigers, and I’ve got one in my trunk.
Call ‘em while you’re screwin’ em!
Flashback: How to get rid of a leachy ex (2:39 mp3)
Where Are You, Tim Allen?
Something’s felt a little off this Christmas season. I just figured it out. It’s been more than a year since Tim Allen released a Christmas-themed movie. The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause wasn’t nearly enough to sustain us for two holiday seasons, even with the antics of Martin Short as “Jack Frost.” Can the [...]
Old woman, no!
I went to Target for some Christmas shopping. Rather than having doors that slide open. Target has traditional automatic doors that fold open. As I approached the store, I noticed an old woman trying to escape from the entrance. She was standing about two inches from the glass, her cane helping to prop her up. [...]
Say it ain’t so, Dolph
I’m watching one of the multi-weekly airings of Rocky IV on TV. I remembered hearing that Dolph Lundgren, aka “The Russian,” was some kind of genius. I went to his Wikipedia page for a refresher. He has a master’s degree in chemical engineering. I was a little thrown off when I learned he was Swedish. [...]
What to tell the children
So, you thought Nickelodeon could raise your kids. Then, by the time you found out that Britney Spears 16-year-old sister was part of Nickelodeon’s brand of child rearing, she was already knocked up. Then, the media started running stories on what to tell your children. The storyline was frightening. “Whether or not moms are ready [...]
The War on Christmas
The “War on Christmas” continues, with no end in sight. The American people grow weary of this never-ending war, as reality sets in. How can you win such a war? The enemy isn’t one country, it’s an ideology. Those who celebrate Christmas are asking: Why do they hate us? They hate what we see right [...]
Those Worrisome Teens
There’s a new study out on teens. I’m as shocked as you are to find out that teens socialize outside the Internet (bold mine). Nearly 40 percent of teens say they talk to friends on a traditional wired phone every day, and 35 percent say they do so on cell phones, the Pew Internet and [...]
Itchy Socks
Dammit. My socks are itching me. Yes, I could do something about it, but my feet are all the way at the other end of my body. I’m reclining with my computer on my lap, further complicating the situation. Aha! My big toes were able to force the socks away from my affected ankles. It’s [...]
Parenting tips
Ha. I love when real-life stories are funnier than something The Onion could come up with. Poor Britney’s mom. Lynne Spears’ book about parenting has been delayed indefinitely, her publisher said Wednesday. Lindsey Nobles, a spokeswoman for Christian book publisher Thomas Nelson Inc., said Wednesday that the memoir by the mother of Britney Spears was [...]
Flashback: Nancy Kerrigan’s collect call
Today, we revisit a collect call from Nancy Kerrigan. MP3 File (0:41)
Another defeat for the mustache
Kansas Attorney General Paul Morrison resigned the other day, as a sex scandal raged. While this is a major blow to the Kansas Democratic Party, it is an even bigger blow to the mustache. The mustache is an endangered species nationwide, but it seems as if the climate for mustaches in Kansas has become [...]
Steroids and Soft Rock
With all the world’s problems behind us, what should Congress do? Hold hearings on steroids! This type of nonsense has no business wasting elected officials’ time. Now, when are we going to get that resolution declaring Dan Fogelberg’s life and works highly underrated? Or is that lowly underrated? Hmmmm. Whatever the case, you know we’d [...]
Santa’s Deb
Awhile back, we did a show on Santa’s Deb. Santa’s Deb is a Kansas City dog groomer, writer and owner of this van: Santa’s Deb used to have a website that had a really odd message from Santa. Santa talked about how great Santa’s Deb’s children’s books were. Santa finished his message “In Jesus Christ’s [...]
Those fertile Spears girls
Britney Spears’ 16-year-old sister got knocked up. If you follow Britney’s timeline, Jamie Lynn Spears should be legal just in time for her genitals to flap for the paparazzi.
WTF!!!
I moved my website to a new server and changed my blogging software from Blogger to WordPress. So far, I want to punch someone. Keep your distance. UPDATE: Yes, I’m aware that “WTF” traditionally precedes a question mark. However, in this instance, I felt three exclamation points were more appropriate. I am exclaiming “WTF!!!” I [...]
BREAKING: Steroids!
America took it right in the kisser yesterday. The Mitchell Report lists 86 players connected to performance-enhancing drugs. That’s right, a bunch of baseball players have used steroids. If only we would’ve seen this coming. I heard a lot of commentary that focused on a weird angle: Not only did superstars take steroids, but some [...]
Missing curtains found
Missing some burgundy curtains? I think the Watson’s Girl is wearing them. I’m sure the Watson’s Girl goes to lots of naked hot tub parties as part of her hot-tub-selling duties. Maybe someone stole her clothes, and she had no choice but to confiscate the curtains, as she was headed to a Watson’s commercial shoot [...]
Thanks for ruining Junior, scientists!
Some scientists were bored one day, so they thought they’d piss all over our already-damaged childlike innocence. With all that growing weight up front, how is it that pregnant women don’t lose their balance and topple over? Scientists think they’ve found the answer: There’s are slight differences between women and men in one lower back [...]
