Ozzy Osbourne is playing the Sprint Center, and my mom asked "is he going to bite the head off a bat?" I told her I didn't think he did that anymore. "Maybe he'll bite the top off a bottle of Geritol, instead," she said.

Yes, it was funny, but I felt that Geritol was a pretty outdated reference. So, I asked "what century are you in?" At that moment, I realized that "what century are you in?" could include a relatively recent period of time.

"What century are you in?" doesn't really work as a slam until you're in the later part of the century. Therefore, it's dead to me. If only we'd known earlier, we would've been sure to use it more when we could. We were simply too distracted with Y2K.

Labels: fun with words, RIP

Dog the Bounty Hunter is in trouble for saying the N-word six times during a phone conversation with his son.

Here you go. Beware: he says the N-word a whole lot.




There's something extra hilarious about this latest N-word fiasco. Dog wasn't going around saying "N-word this and N-Word that and goddamn N-words!" Nothing like that. Dog is talking on the phone with his son, telling him that he's worried that his son's girlfriend will go to the Enquirer and tell them that he uses the N-word. So, he gets busted for using the N-word during a conversation about how he doesn't want to get busted for using the N-word. Haha!

Labels: celebrities, RIP

We went to the 810 Zone on the Plaza to watch the MU and KU games yesterday.

They have touchscreen computers in the booths. You can watch TV, play games or go online. It's a pretty cool idea. Our particular computer was dicked, though. It wouldn't let us select any of the options.

They rebooted the machine several times, but it didn't help. The waitress joked that we should just hit the screen to try to fix it.

At that moment, I realized Fonzie couldn't fix shit in the digital age.

Labels: bars, restaurants, RIP, tech

Well, a bunch of scientists decided to go read some Neanderthal DNA, and totally ruin all our fun.

Neanderthals, an archaic human species that dominated Europe until the arrival of modern humans some 45,000 years ago, possessed a critical gene known to underlie speech, according to DNA evidence retrieved from two individuals excavated from El Sidron, a cave in northern Spain.

So, Neanderthals can speak, a major blow to "Neanderthal" as a slam. Luckily, calling someone a "Neanderthal" went out of style with Saved by the Bell. Otherwise we'd all have a big ole' mouth filled to the brim with humble pie.

Meanwhlie, look for "Cro-Magnon" to fill the Neanderthal void. "Hey Cro-Mag! Nice teeth!"

Labels: RIP

Wow, Dane Cook backlash is in full force.

I appreciated Dane Cook's humor for a couple of hours once. Then, it looked like he ripped off material, did a movie with Jessica Simpson, and cut some horrifyingly bad promos for the Major League Baseball Playoffs.

Farewell, Dane. We hardly knew ye.

Labels: Dane Cook, RIP

From Men's Health on the topic of "grinding":

Dr. Jonathan Huber, M.D., of Queen's University College in Kingston, Ontario, found that about three in 10 women think it's okay.

Good luck finding those three. Men's Health's own spot survey of attractive, intelligent women found near-universal disgust with the move.

Whoa, hold on, Men's Health. Your own survey of "attractive, intelligent women?" No intelligent woman, let alone attractive and intelligent woman, is going to brag to you about their love for being on the ass end of a public grinding session.

"Good luck finding those three?" Come on, Men's Health. I can use a simple formula to find those three who say grinding's okay:

Probability = Number of flashing lights + Glossiness of girl's forehead

Labels: RIP

Remember SARS? Remember waking up in a cold sweat at 3 am after nightmaring that you got infected with SARS after a visit to Chinatown?

SARS was far weaker than the Bird Flu. Sars mortality rate was at about 10 percent. About eight thousand people got it, about eight hundred died. Bird Flu got 199 people out of 327, at a 61 percent mortality rate. SARS was more contagious, as people tend to associate with other people far more than they associate with birds.

Aren't we due for another "general freakout" story. Shouldn't a new illness come out of the woodwork? Or is the mystery disease storyline dead? Come on, Asia, we're counting on you.

Labels: media, RIP

Thanks to Larry Craig, law-abiding visitors to public restrooms can no longer sit upon the toilet with a wide stance.

The senator then tapped his right foot, "a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct," Karsnia wrote, and Craig ran his left hand several times underneath the partition dividing the stalls.

The officer then showed his police identification under the divider and pointed toward the exit "at which time the defendant exclaimed `No!'" the complaint said.

When the police interviewed him later, the senator said that "he has a wide stance when going to the bathroom" and that was why his foot may have touched the officer's, the report said.

Labels: politics, RIP, toilet

I've decided I'm sick of hearing people say "Internets" and "Interweb."

I love Colbert as much as the next guy, but this is getting worse than overquoting Napoleon Dynamite.

Originality, people! Bunch of pwned n00bs.

Labels: random nonsense, RIP, tech