The tall guy is the Guinness World Records holder for tallest man, at 7 feet, 9 inches. The little guy applied for the Guinness Record for the shortest man, at 2 feet, 9 inches.

Labels: dumbasses

I'm making my way through the Republican YouTube Debate.

This is depressing, and not just because Anderson Cooper has to say "time" 15 times per response before a candidate finally shuts up. How about cutting a candidate's mic 10 seconds after you say "time." Why hasn't CNN hired me yet?

I haven't been around all that long, but every debate I've ever seen is the same. Taxes and foreign policy make sense as themes with no end in sight, but how many years are we going to have to put up with hearing about gun laws, health care, Social Security and immigration? What would you think if we're still dealing with these same go-nowhere issues in 30 years?

I hate this YouTube format. CNN airs whatever questions it would've asked in the first place, but we have to watch some douche with his clever props asking the question. I don't need the visual of a guy eating corn to understand his question about the Farm Bill. I don't need a guy shooting his gun to understand his gun law question.



Here's a question: How many guns do you own? How is this relevant to policy decisions? Yes, if you own a gun, it's fairly obvious that you're against more gun control. But, if you don't own a gun, does that mean you're for more gun control? Do they ask pro-choice candidates how many abortions they or their significant other have had? "I just want to make sure they're committed," says Pro-Choice Sally.

I can't believe we're subjected to a year of this crap every four years.

By the way, just who does Chuck Norris think he is?

Labels: dumbasses, politics

Gene Simmons shares his insight on the music industry.

There is nothing in me that wants to go in there and do new music. How are you going to deliver it? How are you going to get paid for it if people can just get it for free?

The record industry doesn't have a f---ing clue how to make money. It's only their fault for letting foxes get into the henhouse and then wondering why there's no eggs or chickens. Every little college kid, every freshly-scrubbed little kid's face should have been sued off the face of the earth. They should have taken their houses and cars and nipped it right there in the beginning. Those kids are putting 100,000 to a million people out of work. How can you pick on them? They've got freckles. That's a crook. He may as well be wearing a bandit's mask.

Great, now a less talented version of Lars (see my take on Lars) is out blaming the Internet for inability to sell music, instead of blaming the natural decline of aging rock stars' abilities along with their ball sacks.

I remember when Napster was on fire, me and all my freckle-faced friends sat around downloading KISS until sunrise every weekend. Although, you couldn't see our frecklie faces behind our bandit's masks, which never smelled thanks to our constant state of freshly-scrubbed faciness.

Labels: dumbasses, internet, music

Labels: dumbasses, politics, this is america, ugly people

This ad for "Hydroderm" is ridiculous.

Labels: advertising, dumbasses

This article points out Kucinich's total domination in the results:

But here's the interesting point. This website also gives some statistical history of how people have voted. As of this writing, 153,350 people have completed the quiz. Of those people, more than half (57% in fact) have discovered that Dennis Kucinich is the candidate they should be supporting.

Of course, you have to take into account who might be taking this poll in the first place. For example, Kucinich is an Internet sensation. People love blogging about him and looking at him. Spending all this time online will likely lead to them discovering the "Pick Your Candidate" site.

Labels: dumbasses, internet, politics

Have you seen the new iPhone ads with the douches talking about why they needed an iPhone? One particular ad annoys the hell out of me. The guy talks about how he had to carry a bag around to hold all of his electronic devices. Yes, I've done the same, but this guy's reasoning is really messed up (bold mine).

"I had the iPod, I had a camera, and I had a regular phone, and a phone for text messaging and emails and stuff like that."

So, explain again why you carried around two phones? At first, I hoped he was saying that he had a landline phone. But in the context of "needing a bag to carry it around," he has a regular cell phone and a separate phone dedicated for "text messaging and emails and stuff like that." Why would you have two phones if one of them can do text messaging and email? Are you talking on the phone and sending text messages at the same time? What kind of messed up savant are you, anyway?

Labels: advertising, dumbasses, tech

I got a couple of weird phone calls this morning.

First, a woman called looking for Famous Dave's. Ten minutes later, a man called, also looking for Famous Dave's.

I told both they had the wrong number. Then, I get a call from the dude's number again. I was sitting at the DMV by this point, so I just thought "WTF," and let it go to voicemail. He called again a couple of minutes later. I ignored again, as I don't want to explain that I am not Famous Dave while I'm waiting for the digitized voice at the DMV to call my number.

As I'm leaving the parking lot, the guy called for the fourth time. This time I answered with an annoyed "hello?"

"Hi, Matt?" (I'd answered the phone on his first call with "This is Matt," since I didn't recognize the number)

"Yes?"

"Is Rachel around?"

"Rachel? I think you have the wrong number. Aren't you the same guy who called me looking for Famous Dave's?"

"Yes. Do you know Rachel?"

"I don't know any Rachel. Who's Rachel?"

"She's my daughter."

"Well, I don't know her, (silence), what can I do for you?"

"She told me this was the number for Famous Dave's."

"Some girl called me earlier looking for Famous Dave's, maybe that was Rachel?"

"This number was in her phone, so you must know her," the douche says, with a tone in his voice indicating that he busted me on something.

"Nope. I don't know anyone named Rachel. Wish I could help."

"Oh. Okay. Thanks."

Well, it turns out that there's a Famous Dave's with just one digit different from my phone number. So, when this guy's sitting in a jail cell, he'll wish he'd used Google instead of trying to beat the truth out of his daughter while yelling "who the fuck is Matt?"

Labels: cell phones, dumbasses

I do most of my email through GMail, but I still have an old Yahoo! address that gets some action. GMail retrieves the email from my Yahoo! inbox, but not the bulk folder. So, I go to Yahoo! and check it every week or so to make sure nothing important got snagged. I have to go through about 500 emails each time.

Lately, I've been getting spammed to death with the "Just saw you on Yahoo messenger" technique. It includes this message:

Hi

I have nothing to do at night a lot and would like to talk with someone. Are you interested?

Stacy19

Is this working? I can't imagine a high probability of someone who just got off Yahoo! Messenger seeing this message and saying "shit, I could be getting E-laid by Stacy 19 right now!" Click.

Every time I observe a new spam technique, I always get the same picture in my head: a toothless hick gullible enough to click through. Why can't the Internet Gods take access away from the people who pay spammer's bills?

I'd have to wake up pretty early in the morning, with an even smaller penis, to fall for this crap.

Labels: dumbasses, internet