BREAKING: Steroids!

Friday, December 14, 2007

America took it right in the kisser yesterday. The Mitchell Report lists 86 players connected to performance-enhancing drugs. That's right, a bunch of baseball players have used steroids. If only we would've seen this coming.

I heard a lot of commentary that focused on a weird angle: Not only did superstars take steroids, but some third stringers who never got playing time took steroids. This is surprising how?

Poor Mike Sweeney. He wasn't on the list, but that's almost as damaging as if he were.

If he was in the report, everyone would've said "See, he only had a couple of good years because he was on steroids. And then got hurt all the time because of it."

But, he's not in the report. So, you should be saying "See, if Mike Sweeney would've taken steroids he wouldn't have gotten hurt all the time."

Labels: ,


Bookmark this biznatch:



I'm old

Monday, December 03, 2007

I'll be 27 a month from now. Even as immature as I am, I'm starting to feel as old as I am.

Yesterday's game of Hacky Sack nearly left me a cripple. Both of my hamstrings are sore and I pulled my right groin (currently taking applications for groin masseuse). This weekend, I'll take part in the annual six-mile ThePrewitt.com Triathlon (running, drinking, puking). It will be a shame.

Labels: ,


Bookmark this biznatch:



The next Miss Elizabeth?

Monday, November 26, 2007

Hulk Hogan's wife wants a share of their Florida mansions, alimony and child support.

As long as she doesn't run off with a third-rate wrestler, mix a bunch of drugs with alcohol and die, Hulk's still got one up on Macho Man.



You'll never guess which one dies in a chemically induced haze

Labels: ,


Bookmark this biznatch:



Drunken strength at the arcade

Sunday, November 18, 2007

I went to the 810 Zone on the Plaza Saturday night.

We, or at least I, drank way too much beer while spending the entire time in the impressive arcade room.  I showed off my amazing strengh on the punching bag machine.  



We decided I was, pound for pound, the best boxer to ever approach the machine. Before my triumphant assault, the guys in the room wouldn't waste a second thinking they could kick my ass.  They now cowered in fear.  Skeptics claimed the machine benefitted someone my height, but that was a lie to cover their shame.  

I displayed my herculean powers again when I dislodged the coin return door on one of the other arcade games.  I was rewarded with a couple dollars worth of tokens and quarters that other weaker arcade goers couldn't recover.





I pointed out how shocking it was, with as far as arcade technology has come, that we're still relying on 1978 coin slots.  The failure rate with these devices is still as high as ever.  The slots arbitrarily refuse to except tokens and tease you with the always non-functioning red coin return button.  

The Pac-Man/Ms. Pac-Man/Galaga game was predictably out of order.  I would've been on banana level in no time on Ms. Pac-Man.  It's my biggest regret of the night.

Labels: ,


Bookmark this biznatch:



Sad day for Barry

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Poor Barry.

Barry Bonds, Major League Baseball's all-time home-run leader, was indicted by a U.S. grand jury on charges of obstructing justice and perjury for lying about using steroids.


This doesn't affect my unending desire to play the Barry World on Super Mario Galaxy.

Labels: ,


Bookmark this biznatch:



Rock Chalk!

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Me, dad and the bros went to the KU-Fort Hays State basketball game tonight.

KU started with a 14-2 lead, so I thought we'd end up with seven times the points of Fort Hays State. 93-56 was the final. That isn't even double their points. Weak. How come no team ever ends up with seven times the points of their opponent when they start out at that pace? Something smells fishy, almost tuna-like.

I hadn't been to Allen Fieldhouse since college, so it was nice to be back. They've made some changes since the last time I went, so I need to bitch.

The new videoboard is nice, but I kind of miss the old Lite-Brite model.




They're a bit slow with the replays and might be better off using the TV network feed.

With the new scoreboard came a new sound system. I worried they'd start underutilizing the band as a result. They did. Before announcing the opening lineup, they played some cheesy video with U2 playing in the background. No thanks.

The band is tiny compared to what it used to be. I bet they get 1/3 the number of seats they used to. Lew Perkin$ mu$t've $een an opportunity to $ell $ome more $eats (note the clever u$e of "$" in thi$ $entence, indicating Lew'$ lu$t for money$). Even though the Fieldhouse wasn't packed, it was often hard to hear the band from across the court. This was never the case before.

There were a couple of improvements. The student section has a new free throw distraction technique that I liked, and they hold the last note on the "oh oh oh oh" song. It sounds cooler this way.

The people in front of us annoyed me. These little brats got hot dogs, a $10 bucket of popcorn, Coke, and Dippin' Dots ice cream. That's some spoiled bullshit. We moved to a different section with less than 10 minutes left in the game. Luckily, some nice girl in snow boots warned us not to sit in the seats where someone puked.

We parked at the Lied Center, and got to walk across "Decapitation Bridge." There was a horrifying accident at this bridge where a K-State fan lost his head on the way to a football game. Thanks to the time change, it was too dark for me to point out the chalk outline of the fan's head, left behind by accident reconstruction. Last time I checked, there's a circle outline where the dude's head met the bridge, complete with calculations written inside (x+y=no more head attached to your torso).

Labels: ,


Bookmark this biznatch:



Pubey hair and urine sweat

Thursday, November 01, 2007

I'm watching the KU-Pitt State basketball game. The broadcast has already horrified me twice, only 30 minutes into the game.

First off, Sasha Kaun is sporting a giant pubic mass on his head. I hope to God he doesn't keep growing this thing out. It already looks much more pubic than the picture below.




UPDATE: Sasha looks like absolute death with 12 minutes to go.

Secondly, I saw one of those commercials where the athletes are sweating Gatorade. Can you believe these "sweating Gatorade" commercials are still around? I can't find it online, but it's the football one where the guy is sweating the piss-colored Gatorade, delivers a hit, more piss flies around, and then Bill Parcells shows up in a tollbooth and says something about a Golden Shower or something. I'm not sure, but it's weird as hell.

Labels: , , ,


Bookmark this biznatch:



Notes from Game 2 of the World Series

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Boyz II Men shocked the world when they sang "God Bless America" during the seventh-inning stretch. How did Boston land that act? Seriously, though, what's with all the gratuitous America loving? The Star Spangled Banner is more than enough. Here's a compromise: hand out American flag lapel pins to the first 15,000 fans, and don't take away our Jumbotron limbo time.

"He can find the monster with the right stroke." - Tim McCarver with Todd Helton at the plate in the 9th. This is a filthy thing to say, McCarver, and your dumb ass knows it.

I'm convinced that Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon is at least slightly retarded. Watch him clap at the baby in this commercial.






UPDATE: I forgot to mention the really long interview with the dude from Taco Bell talking about how everyone gets a free taco between 2 and 5 pm next Tuesday, the 30th. Thanks goes to Boston center fielder Jacoby Ellsbury for stealing the base, and thus helping America steal a Taco. USA! USA! USA!

Labels: , ,


Bookmark this biznatch:



People's Sexiest Fan Alive

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Check out the losers on People's Sexiest Fan Alive. Of course, the Red Sox fan is in first place.

Here's my write-in choice:


Disqualified for choosing the Quaker Oats as his team


By the way, I've been informed that Wilford Brimley could eventually infringe on Chuck Norris as most-used crutch for jokes. So you know, I've been making fun of Wilford Brimley since before his appearance as Jean Claude Van Damme's uncle in the hit movie Hard Target, a 1993 film. So, eat that.

Labels: , , ,


Bookmark this biznatch:



Lonely Ferrigno



All this Goulet talk has me thinking about Lou Ferrigno.


"I'm twice the size of Chris Benoit, and I never even killed a kitten!"

Labels: ,


Bookmark this biznatch:



Breaking news: Make a poll!

Friday, October 19, 2007

I hate online polls (see here and here).

News broke this morning about the Royals hiring a new manager. So, they had to throw up an online poll. Sadly, Americans are suckers for polls. In an hour and a half, 700 people jumped at the opportunity to cast their meaningless vote.


Screenshot. Clicking will get you nowhere.


This poll is missing an option: "Hope he doesn't pick his nose on camera. The Royals are going to be in HD next season."

I can no longer blame media outlets for putting up online polls. Polls drive traffic to websites. We need to focus our efforts on the people who click on these things, justifying their existence.

Labels: , , ,


Bookmark this biznatch:



The Centaur

Monday, October 15, 2007

The only thing worse than hearing Mitch Holthus call Larry Johnson "The Centaur" is KC Star sports hack Jeffrey Flanagan quoting Mitch calling Larry "The Centaur."

Every Monday, Flanaboner will print sound bytes from the Chiefs' TV and radio broadcasts. Today's was especially annoying.

“And he got his centaur tail up the field.”

| Holthus, after Larry Johnson got a first down.

JF: Was the centaur’s big day a breakout or more just a result of the Bengals’ awful defense? The centaur showed his selfishness with his delay-of-game penalty late in the contest and his carelessness by fumbling into the end zone earlier.


Enough! No normal person's gonna start calling LJ "The Centaur." Flanagan called him "Centaur" twice in this column. Mitch must've promised him a discount on a Kia at Briggs in exchange for propagating the use of "Centaur."

You can tell Mitch really has a hard on for the nickname in this article.

“It just came to me one day as I was thinking about his running style,” Holthus said.

“He runs sort of half-man, half-beast, and I started to think of Greek mythology and that was it — the centaur.”

It's just beautiful how Mitch poetically ties Chiefs fans' love of football and Greek mythology together.


The nickname makes sense because of horses' complete inability to block.


Bonus note to KC Star Sports Editors: Your style book should capitalize "Centaur." A lowercase nickname makes no sense.

Labels: , ,


Bookmark this biznatch:



Yankees fans

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

I'm quite happy the Yankees lost. I just wish Cleveland would've swept them.

I don't think I'd hate the Yankees nearly as much if there weren't so many Yankees fans in Kansas City. I haven't met too many New Yorkers in the metro, yet the number of Yankees fans at Royals games never fails to astound.

I'm not saying you must be a fan of your hometown team. But being a fan of such a spoiled organization makes you a poser, bandwagoner and probably all-around scum.

Labels:


Bookmark this biznatch:



WTF: NFL in High Def

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Today's Chiefs game isn't in high definition. Unacceptable.

Channel 9's local news broadcasts in high definition, and you're telling me CBS doesn't have enough high-def equipment to cover all their NFL games? They pay $622.5 million per year for NFL rights, and full-HD coverage puts them in the red? WTF?

This pisses off and confounds me to a point I can't express.

60 Minutes isn't in high def either, but this can be blamed on Andy Rooney.


Katie Couric looks similar in high def


Meanwhile, CBS broadcasts The Young and the Restless in HD for Christ's sake! I'm not joking. Christ is a huge Young and the Restless fan.

Labels: , ,


Bookmark this biznatch:



KU Wins!

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Bonus: Mangino gets his boob tweaked.

Labels:


Bookmark this biznatch:



K-State vs KU

Friday, October 05, 2007

Big game in Manhattan tomorrow. If K-State wins, there'd better not be any fans storming the field. I'm just saying. Act like you've been there. You're favored to win.

KU fans can't be expected to know what to do in these types of situations, thanks to an almost complete indifference to football outside of games against MU and K-State.

I trust you, K-State fans. It's an early game. You can't blame drunkenness for your behavior. I know you'd like to repay KU for over storming, but you should know better. Don't be a bunch of douches. That's all. Wait...don't forget to bring your Power Towel.


Labels:


Bookmark this biznatch:



Vomitorium

Thursday, October 04, 2007

From the KC Star's story on Kauffman Stadium renovations (bold mine):

Also scheduled for completion: New bullpens, expanded dugout-box seating, expanded crown seating behind the plate, the removal of one circular ramp on each side and the construction of expanded vomitories to field-level concourse.


I like to think I'm "down with words," but I wasn't positive on this one. I first assumed a vomitory must be a place to regurge after a hot dog and peanut binge on Buck Night. Wrong.

  • an entrance to an amphitheater or stadium
wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

  • a Swedish brutal death metal band formed in 1989. The band has released six albums as of 2007. They are currently signed to Metal Blade Records.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vomitory (band)

  • A popular misconception is that the Romans made use of a room called a vomitorium for the express purpose of vomiting between meals to make room for more food. Only a very small minority of the highest classes indulged in the practice of deliberately vomiting. A vomitorium is actually an entirely unrelated architectural feature – a passage situated below or behind a tier of seats in an amphitheatre, an exit through which the crowds could "spew out" at the end of a show.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roman_eating_and_drinking#Vomitorium

Labels: , ,


Bookmark this biznatch:



That Noise Meter is rigged!

Monday, October 01, 2007



Every time the noise meter comes on at Kauffman Stadium, I try my best to hush the crowd.

"Shut up, it's rigged! If everyone's quiet, you'll see!"

They don't listen. They just keep mindlessly screaming as the noise meter continues to climb, tricking all in attendance into thinking they just blew the top off the stadium. Posers.

Wouldn't a legit noise meter with an unattainable peak be more efficient in getting fans to cheer as loud as possible? The bigger question: Why haven't the Royals hired me yet?

Labels: ,


Bookmark this biznatch:



WTF: Green Dot

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

I'm not sure if you've noticed, but NFL quarterbacks have ugly green dots on the back of their helmets this year.

Every helmet with a green dot has a headset inside. Only one headset is allowed on the offense at a time. With these fun dots, refs can make sure only one is on the field at any given time.

But that green dot is so lame. Here's what I propose instead:





It's much more visible, and Damon Huard could flip to a Patriots game when he gets bored watching the Chiefs offense.

Labels: ,


Bookmark this biznatch:



Jeffrey Flanagan blows

Sunday, September 23, 2007

It was bad enough that Chiefs fans had to endure the sub-horrible announcing team of Matt Vasgersian and Jayice "J.C." Pearson for today's game against the Vikings.

Veteran KC Star sports hack Jeffrey Flanagan had to go and interview J.C. for this morning's column.

Why would you want to get perspective from the one guy we're going to pull our hair out listening to later the same day? And who cares what J.C. thinks, anyway? And I know sports fans everywhere have always wondered whether we should call Pearson "J.C." or "Jayice."

J.C.'s answer to that question doesn't even make sense:

“People don’t know my name around the country, and it’s probably easier just to go with J.C. And people probably look at ‘Jayice’ and say ‘How the heck do I pronounce that?’"


You're in broadcasting, jerkwad. How many people need to know how to pronounce your stupid-ass name? One. Your broadcast partner.

Flanagan then goes on to talk about some "folks" in St. Louis who want to break the Guinness record for the longest baseball game. Who cares?

I personally know 50 people more qualified to write Flanny's column for the Star. Yet, he's been there for ages. Terrible, terrible waste of space.

Labels: ,


Bookmark this biznatch:



Stop hiding, Manute

Friday, September 07, 2007

(1:08) In this podcast, I address one of my biggest disappointments since returning to Kansas City.



Note: You are not hallucinating.

Labels: ,


Bookmark this biznatch:



Slip N Slide Obstacle Course

Monday, September 03, 2007

My friends Kevin and Dan hosted a Slip N Slide party yesterday.

For the obstacle course, participants start by chugging a beer. Then, a variety of water hazards await as the contestants pick up three flags in this timed challenge.

Labels: ,


Bookmark this biznatch:



"What if?" Michael Vick Edition

Monday, August 27, 2007

What if Michael Vick had sponsored bumfighting instead of dogfighting?



Do you think Dr. Phil would invite him on his show and then throw him off without interviewing him? Or do you think he would've milked his moustache the interview a bit longer?


Labels: , ,


Bookmark this biznatch: