Matt Stooks

I think James Van Der Beek should adopt his Dawson persona and be a top U.S. Ambassador. He definitely couldn’t pull it off as James Van Der Beek. People would resent him for his last name. But if he were Dawson, he could change the world.

Doesn’t Katie Holmes look hot in that picture?

Dawson talked Joey out of abandoning her dream of winning a talent competition on one of today’s episodes of Dawson’s Creek in the four-hour block on TBS.

When hasn’t Dawson helped someone reach the right conclusion?

Dawson for President!

(Paid for by Dawson-Danza ’08).

Fad is a funny word. If you didn’t know the meaning, you might think it’s a combination of “mad” with another word (that shall go nameless here), making one magical word for “really mad.”

But for some reason, “fad” means “a briefly popular fashion or trend.”

But every once in awhile, we get confused with what exactly constitutes a fad.

The number one offender? Bumper stickers.

It’s time to realize that bumper stickers were a fad that didn’t go away for some reason. Similar to the bumper sticker is the Jesus Fish with the “Darwin” inside. How clever. The first 100-thousand times, that is.

If you have one bumper sticker, you are already in dangerous territory. Add one or two more, and you (and your car) could officially become trash.

How about this guy?

I guarantee the decorator of this room wears thick, black-frame glasses with the scotch tape in the middle. “One of my hobbies is collecting bumper stickers.”

The only thing worse than a bumper sticker on a bumper is a bumper sticker on any other surface in the world. Notebooks, backpacks, walls, anywhere.

So, America, please let this fad finally die. Look at the Livestrong bracelet for proof.

The Livestrong bracelet is basically a bumper sticker that you wear around your wrist. Do you think people will be wearing the Livestrong bracelet ten years from now with a different message printed around the band?

And if I can’t get you to swear off bumper stickers completely, at least take down that Kerry-Edwards sticker. I think it’s time to call it quits.

Bea Arthur has a romantic encounter.

Just kidding. I’m sure Bea has a very active sex life. And with non-canine beings, as well.

For the first time in 86 years, the NHL won’t have a season.

For the 86th time in 86 years, no one will care about the NHL.

Enough with the clever crowd signs that play off the name of the network televising the game.

“Quick! Everyone! Come look at this original sign I made! Maybe I’ll get on TV! Look! I constructed it using all the letters of the network! Do you know how hard that was! Who wants to play Scrabble! I’ll kill you all!”

These are the same people who feel the need to put an exclamation point after every sentence!

At least the guy below is honest.

“But he cheated! He didn’t use the letters of the network to spell the sentence! That better not get on TV!”

Queen Latifah was a terrible host. You could tell she was going to be awful when she said she dreamt of hosting the Grammys when she was a kid.

I want to meet the kid who says “When I grow up, I wanna host the Grammys.”

That kid should be given a contract to host the show right then and there, because I guarantee they are the only kid who ever had that as their principal dream. Or even their secondary or thirdary dream. (Don’t look it up, thirdary is not a word).

And there’s no way Keanu Reeves read the scipt and said “Now it all makes perfect sense!”

Snap.

Can someone tell me what that word means?

I was at a local drinking establishment last night, and some apparently really clever guy comes in and yells out “SNAP!” to one of his friends.

Then his brilliant friend starts laughing. I thought to myself, “I will never be friends with either of those guys. Their humor is too high-level for me.”

Snap?

I’ve heard this before, and it gets more obnoxious each time.

What’s wrong with people?

I think the next time I hear someone say “Snap,” I’m going to get right in their face and say “Crackle, pop. There. Are you happy? Now shut up!”

First off, no one ever says “Supersize me!”

But every pre-packaged food item assumes “Downsize me!”

The Totino’s Party Pizza says you can get two servings out of it at 380 calories apiece.

Baloney.

It’s one serving, 760 calories. If you are splitting a Totino’s between two people, you better have a hefty dessert prepared.

The food companies are trying to trick us on their food labels.

But for some reason, Altoids is going the opposite direction.

Altoids claims that a serving size is three Altoids. How do they come up with that number? Besides, many people can’t stomach even one of the curiously strong mints.

If you’re eating three Altoids at a time, there’s something wrong with you. That’s ten calories, by the way.

Bob Barker gave a big smooch to the University of Kansas Glee Club on the Price Is Right today.

Whoever the putz is who replaced Rod Roddy called John Johnson down, he happens to be the director of the Glee Club.

Before the showcase showdown, Bob asked the club to sing a song.

By the way, if your last name is Johnson, don’t name your kid John. We also need to abandon the term “Glee Club.” A little too 1920’s for my taste.

Anyhow, you can hear them sing “I’m a Jayhawk” on the show (about one minute mp3).

Isn’t that fun how I figured out how to type “ñ”? You can do it by holding down the “alt” key and typing “164”. For more fun Spanish characters, check this out.

Anyhow, I can’t believe there is a new article on El Niño.

Wasn’t El Niño more of a 1999 story? I know my worry list looks just like this:

1. Nuclear War

2. Financial stability

3. El Niño

El Niño is Spanish for little boy, in case you were wondering. That’s weird. I thought El Niño was Spanish for “news story for a slow day.”

Check out how many times I wrote “El Niño” when it wasn’t really necessary, just so I could show off my “El Niño” typing abilities.

¿Qué hora es?

What makes Judge Judy so sexy?

Maybe it’s the doily around her neck.

By the way, there’s an online store that specializes in doilies, thedoilyplace.com.

I think we’re taking Judge Judith Sheindlin for granted.

When she first became popular, SNL targetted her, and everyone was talking.

Now, it seems like she keeps on raising her blood pressure, topping her previous antics, and no one is talking.

Is Judy Justice slowly dying?

They should change the slogan to “The Worldwide Leader in Sucks.”

Okay that might not be the best marketing statement, but it’s true.

I invested my money in an HDTV, and ESPN is one of the culprits ruining the experience. None of the good games are available in HD. Instead, ESPN wastes all of its HD broadcasts on the X-Games, which a total of .02% of the population actually cares about.

Now, ESPN has launched ESPNHD2.

“Hey, here’s an idea. Let’s launch another HD network even though we refuse to invest in the equipment to properly run the flagship,” some clever ESPN executive must have said in some pencil-twiddling meeting.

Almost all of the cable networks still don’t carry this flop of a station.

All you have to do is look at the opening of Sportscenter to know how stupid the guys at ESPN have become. The opening montage has baseball (not in season), women’s basketball (garbage), and NHL hockey (garbage and on strike). Good job relating to your fans, ESPN.

The Sportscenter anchors aren’t what they used to be, either. All of them struggle to sound like Keith Olberhmann or Craig Kilborn, but fail miserably. Dan Patrick is just full of himself and some bad K-Mart mousse that probably smells like cat tongue after another bi-minutely “bath.”

Dick Vitale is probably the most overrated sports analyst in the world, yet he’s one of their top stars. Karen Kornacki is better, and she’s the equivalent of Big Bird on crack.

Pardon the Interruption is the only decent thing ESPN produces.

Sounds like the perfect opportunity for Fox Sports Net to take over. Instead, we have to look at Tom Arnold’s dumb face for however long that terrible Damn Sports Show Period lasts.

When will someone get it right?

If I had to pick one thing I regret more than anything else, what would it be?

In all my years, I’ve never once been part of a group high five.

Sadly, I don’t think I’ve witnessed one outside of Saved By The Bell.

How come no one does this practice?

Is it because pulling off a two-person high five successfully is enough of a challenge by itself?

I promise this will be the last post on toilets for awhile.

No two snowflakes are the same.

No two toilets flush the same.

Have you ever noticed?

I think it’s time to change that “People are like snowflakes” line to “People are like toilets.”

Much snazzier if you ask me.

I know someone who talks on their cell phone while they are in the can.

I’m not talking about an in-and-out visit, either. More like 20 minutes or so in there.

On the phone.

On the toilet.

Disgusting.

If you’re expecting a call, and answer the phone while you’re in there, that’s one thing. But this guy dials out on the phone, full knowing what he plans to do to the porcelain and the unsuspecting friend on the line. What happened to reading the bad jokes in Reader’s Digest to keep your mind occupied?

How obscene.

If you want to keep yourself from going over on minutes on your cell plan, just pretend the person you’re talking to is busy with their Chicken Enchilada Grilled Stuft Burrito from 45 minutes ago. You’ll find many more anytime minutes at your disposal at the end of the month.

Ha. I love watching people when a cop car is around. They always drive five miles under the speed limit and stay squarely in their own lane.

Last night, I was at a stop light. A police car was in the left lane. A truck was in front of me and wanted to turn right. I’ve never seen anyone take more precaution with a right turn on red.

I know the driver was thinking “Is this legal? I think this is legal. I’m not quite so sure it’s legal. It’s legal. I’m going. Slowly….slowly….okay. Turn right. Now. I mean it this time. This is legal.” Finally, he turned.

I guarantee he was flustered after turning, too. “Is the cop car coming? Do you see any lights? Somebody just turned. It’s the cops! Oh wait, it’s a Pinto.”

Not that I’m Mr. Cocky when police cars are around. It’s best to be extra cautious when you’re driving near a police car. Better safe than sorry. You never know if the cop is going to be Michael Chiklis as Vic Mackey or Michael Chiklis as the huggable Tony Scali.

The Eagles.

Why?

Because wide receiver Freddie Mitchell is friends with Mario Lopez.

So what?

Will I pick anyone who has Mario Lopez as a friend to win the Superbowl?

No.

Only those who are friends with both Mario Lopez and Jaleel White.

makes me want to kiss myself on the lips, which is pretty hard to do.

The Apprentice: Martha Stewart will be a new show on NBC.

Shouldn’t they have had this show before she went to jail? What good will an apprentice do when the Queen of Quilts gets out?

Not to be confused with the hit movie starring Samuel L. Jackson.

Last year, I switched to T-Mobile. After I signed up, Sprint PCS did everything but get on their knees (for various reasons) to keep me. I could’ve gotten the world from Sprint if I had threatened before switching.

Well, it’s time again. For the first time in my life, I went over the minutes in my plan. My bill is usually about $50, but jumped to $194.17. Apparently you do a lot of talking on the phone when you’re unemployed. Go figure.

So I tried to threaten T-Mobile.

It didn’t take.

I figured I’d be talking to some sympathetic woman resembling Michael Douglas’ wife.

Instead, I was greeted by a guy whose voice resembled Dennis Leary’s squawk.

Not so sympathetic.

Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow. Let’s just hope Zeta-Jones picks up the phone this time.

Have you ever noticed some random substance on your car, and you have no idea where it came from or what exactly it is?

Take a look at the reddish substance on the door of my ’98 Corolla. What is that?

Take a closer look.

Gotta love the quality of camera-phones.

I’m close to licking the substance just to find out what it is. I’m thinking it’s ketchup. But how did ketchup get on the rear passenger side door?

You have no idea how many sleepless nights are ahead of me.

Can you believe this? Keanu Reeves gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame before I do.

Quick! Somebody get in a phone booth and stop Keanu from ever taking the “Johnny Utah” role in Point Break opposite Patrick “Crazy For” Swayze!

“Bird brains not as primitive as once thought” is the headline to this story.

So the next time someone calls you “Bird Brain,” smile, and say, “Thank you.”

Too bad. That was a good insult.

If I advertised on TV, I would demand that my commercial followed this phrase. After all, only the really cute, cuddly corporations help out the blind.

By the way, I read for Audio-Reader, which turns magazines into little radio programs for blind people. Who wants to cuddle?

Apparently, when Roy Williams left Kansas for North Carolina two years ago, all of the old shirts with his name on it went to the gas stations in Lawrence.

At least two different gas stations still have Roy Williams merchandise prominently displayed in their stores. You can get a “Roy’s Boys” shirt for five bucks at one of the places.

Unless someone is planning a belated Roy Williams burning effigy, something tells me the KU-Roy Williams merch will sit on the shelves for a while longer.

Or better yet, I’d like to see McDonald’s tear down its signs, and replace them with the much simpler “Food” name.

What a brand.

Besides piling a bunch of people in the back, there’s nothing trashier than the guy who drives his old, beat-up pickup truck with his girlfriend sitting in the middle seat with no other passengers.

Isn’t that cute? They can’t stand not being next to each other. Sadly, everyone else can.

I’m not a big fan of having to use the public restroom after a case of too many hot wings, but it happens.

I don’t know if anything in life scares me more than making accidental contact with the porcelain at a public toilet.

Yes, that kind of contact.

I don’t know if my technique is messed up or what, but this happens far too much for my liking.

It’s time to stand up to the toilet manufacturers of the world and say, “The fronts of toilets are far too shallow, and I won’t take one more day of being paranoid that I just caught a venereal disease in a public restroom.”

Before the whole Janet Jackson thing, I would bite my fingernails at the beginning of NYPD Blue.

If the screen before the show said “This police drama contains adult language and partial nudity. Viewer disrection is advised,” I would let out a cheer like Rocky’s son when Stallone started his comeback against Ivan Drago.

If the screen made no mention of nudity, I would scream like Adrian when she told Rocky the fight was suicide.

Now, I know the screen will only speak of adult language, never to mention partial nudity again.

So you can blame Janet’s boob for preventing us from seeing Sipowicz’s dimpled posterior one last time before the show signs off this Spring.

“This bread is pretty good, but it’d be better if it came in stick form.”

I wonder who the first person to say that was.

Whoever it was deserves some kind of humanitarian award, posthumously, of course. What an unbelievable food item.

Olive Garden, and more impressively, Fazoli’s give you an unending supply.

Unfortunately, Fazoli’s doesn’t always have a competent breadstick person, forcing you to hunt them down or ask the counter person for more of the delicacy.

Bread is the only food item to successfully crossover into the stick category, and improve itself in the process.

The next time you insert the stick into your mouth, letting the buttery saltiness drip on your tongue, remember, “this could just be a regular slice of bread. How boring.”

Stick it to me.