Matt Stooks

Have you ever been in line somewhere and the person in front of you won’t get off their phone?

They end up holding up the line because they have to tell their friend that “Maggie is making a big mistake going ouw with that jerk.”

Is that really necessary at the current moment?

Or how about that person that feels the need to hold the phone like a microphone to their mouth and then swivel it back to their ear to hear their caller’s reply?

If you hold it up to your ear, something tells me that having the microphone part hanging an inch from your mouth is just as effective in getting your message across as turning the entire apparatus around.

Text messages are annoying, too.

Just call them the traditional way: in the line at the grocery store, constantly moving it from your mouth to your ear.

Paula didn’t seem to be completely trashed last night on American Idol.

While she still didn’t talk like a normal person, she didn’t sound as inebriated as Billy Joel.

Hey, Billy! What’s in the cup? And can you ask your friend where I can get that groovy shirt?

A bunch of people have already changed Sony’s new version of the GameBoy for their own purposes. Now you can get patches that let you get on the Internet, do Instant Messaging and even grab shows off the TiVo to watch later.

This got me thinking about some other things I’ve rigged in the past to work for different purposes.

I have a shower mat that I’m going to cut up and use to keep my furniture in place on my hardwood floors at my new apartment.

This morning, we’ve heard about using trash can lids and a hood of a car for sleds, using a dryer as a hiding place, a bed for firewood.

Got anything better?

I can’t figure out if I’m required to do this or not, but I always get suckered into it.

I bet if I get an Extra-Long Cheese Coney with Jalepeños, my stomach and other digestive organs would convince me to stay away completely. By the way, if you want to know how you can type fun characters like “ñ” check out my post from February 10.

What’s really weird is that in Manhattan and Junction City, they actually have carhops on rollerskates. My time in KC and Lawrence taught me otherwise.

Do you tip the skating carhops more? If I don’t want to tip normally, should I tip the skaters?

I worked at McDonald’s for three years back in the day, and never got a tip. Why do Sonic Carhops deserve more?

Once The Contender fails, Sly might still have a job.

Someone has made a script for Rambo 4.

That’s good news, I was starting to worry about Sly.

About a year ago, a script for Rocky VI got shot down.

Guess Sly didn’t feel too much like making love to Tommy Morrison this time around.

In celebration of Paula Abdul being inebriated on American Idol, here’s a fun new drinking game for the show.

I came across a drinking game for the show already, but it was a piece of garbage like “every time one of the contestants is a female, drink.”

So here’s one that makes you pay attention and will get you Paula’d in no time.

1. Every time Seacrest says “America”
2. Every time Randy Jackson says “It was alright for me” or “it was okay for me.”
3. Every time Simon says “It reminded me of…” or “karaoke.”
4. If Simon isn’t wearing a black shirt, chug your drink.
5. Every time Paula claps or stands up during a song
6. Every time a contestant reaches one or more arms toward the camera
7. Every time a contestant enters the crowd while singing
8. Every time you see the contestant’s family
9. Every time Paula actually has something negative to say about a contestant
10. Every time Simon has something positive to say
11. Every time Seacrest makes physical contact with Simon or one of the male contestants (it actually happens more times than you might think).
12. Every time Seacrest says “after the break.”
13. At the end of the show, finish your drink with “Seacrest out!” (thanks to Dustin for this great finish to the game).

Am I missing any?

Paula Abdul was wasted on last night’s American Idol.

Check out this “Paula Abdul gets more wasted as the night goes on” montage I put together.

Tell me she’s not canned off her “straight up now pour me another Captain and Coke” behind.

One sausage patty, two eggs, two American cheese slices and three strips of bacon.

On a bun.

It’s the new Enormous Omelet Sandwich at Burger King.

This is probably the filthiest breakfast sandwich of all time.

730 calories.

I’m gonna go into Burger King and say, “Can I get the Emormous Omelet Sandwich, but can you pour the biscuit gravy over it? Thanks.”

Michael Jackson was on Jesse Jackson’s radio show last night. I know. Pretty much anyone can get a radio show.

Michael had some interesting things to say.

He says he’s a warrior in one clip. In the next clip, he says he’s very fragile.

Good to see he still has that dual-identity thing still working for him.

So, this morning we were taking calls on “most messed up Easter experience.”

Then we get a call from a kid who says his most messed up Easter experience may happen this weekend. Take a listen and let me know how you think I handled the situation.

FHM has released its 100 Sexiest Women in the World list.

Angelina Jolie is number one.

Billy Bob is number two. As in a pile of ____. And his pure association with Angelina should eliminate her from the list completely.

Yeah, she’s hot. But she’s less sexy by association.

Alyssa Milano is number six.

Where’s Mona on the list?

They had to basically repackage Tuesday night’s episode to play again for last night because one of the morons who does graphics for the show put three wrong phone numbers up for the voting process.

They were probably too busy planning a readjustment of one of Seacrest’s strands of hair to pay attention to the production of the show.

By the way, one hundred billion people vote for American Idol each week, yet I’ve met to meet a person who has voted.

Anyone?

And, how hot is Carrie Underwood? Strange coincidence, right now I have a condition known as “overwood.”

Weird.

Mischa Barton, a.k.a. bi-curious Marissa from The O.C. is officially a superstar.

Someone used a 20-foot long lens to get some topless photos of her sunbathing.

Because this is a family website (loose definition) you won’t find the pictures here. Besides, you should be able to google good enough to find them yourself if you’re a dedicated amateur “picture” connoisseur.

Disclaimer: You get a side-angle view in the pictures. You will be disappointed by the level of exposure.

I hit the snooze alarm for a half hour straight every morning when I get up.

It’s part of my wakeup routine, and it can give you some funky dreams some times, so I don’t mind the process.

But there is a new invention for people who hit the snooze. Check out “Clocky.”

Yeah, it’s that ugly carpeted thing, made almost entirely from Pat O’Brien moustache fibers.

When you hit the snooze button, it rolls off your night stand and hides somewhere and continues to beep. By the time you find it, the theory is, you’re awake.

I take it that the carpet is supposed to be camo of some sort, but at least it looks attractive on a night stand.

It’s still in the prototype stage, so you’ll have to wait before you can get it.

Who would’ve thought Pat O’Brien would have a dirtier mouth than Bill O’Reilly.

It’s like I always say, never trust a man with a moustache, you can never tell what he’s thinking.

This chick says he left numerous messages on her machine. Here’s one for your enjoyment.

If you hadn’t heard, he’s also checked into rehab for alcohol and 70’s porn stash addiction.

Mistro asked about Jake in Progress, the new ABC show starring former Full House lady-killer John Stamos.

The show is terrible. Poor Stamos. First his marriage falls apart, then his career.

Interesting fact: Stamos answers the phone “talk to me” on Jake. Sound familiar?

That is the same way he answered it on Full House. Check out his updated catchphrase as heard on Jake in Progress. It’s pretty much the only thing the show has going for it.

A guy who was a painter for David Letterman has been arrested for plotting to kidnap his son and hold him for $5 million ransom. He was also planning to kidnap the kid’s nanny, so he could have someone take care of him until the ransom was paid. I’m telling you, you can never tell what a man with a moustache is thinking. Especially with a moustache this lush:

There was a rumor going around that the red-headed Desperate Housewife Marcia Cross was a lesbian. Put your kinky fantasies to rest for now. She’s dating a man. First Marissa breaks up with her girlfriend on the OC, now this.

Authorities are thinking about charging Paula Abdul with a hit and run. Her car clipped another on the highway and she kept going. But the other driving jotted down the license plate and took a picture of the car with a cameraphone. Cheesy joke alert: Didn’t she have a hit and then run in the 80s? I know. Terrible.

Cybill Sheperd may get to reprise her role as Martha Stewart from NBC’s 2003 made-for-tv move Martha Inc. This one will follow her prison stint and Cybill Sheperd’s absolute career dive.

American Idol dork Mario Vazquez has hired the attorney who separated Clay Aiken from American Idol. When you sign up for the show, apparently you sign over your soul and half of your take from any CDs you sell. I wonder if Clay told Mario about the lawyer after breakfast in bed together.

ER has been renewed through 2008. Or whenever Noah Wyle hits puberty, whichever comes first.

50 Cent has started up a new feud. First it was Ja Rule. Then The Game. Then Fat Joe. So the natural pattern makes the next target Samuel L. Jackson.

Sam Jackson declined to be a co-star in 50 Cent’s movie, because he doesn’t want to work with unproven actors.

“These people think they’re worthy of you sharing screen time with them but I don’t think that. Maybe if 50 Cent does five movies and shows me some talent.”

50 thinks there’s a different reason.

“Basically, he didn’t want to play second fiddle. He knew that because of my success, people would come to see the movie because of me – and he couldn’t handle that. To be honest, I couldn’t see where he would fit into the movie anyway – other than as my grandfather.”

You don’t make fun of a man who wears a beret, Fifty.

Robert Blake as been acquitted of murdering his wife in 2001. The jury deliberated for nine days.
But his wife’s daughter could still win a suit in civil court for wrongful death.

Michael Jackson’s porn collection was shown to the jury yesterday. His collection includes Penthouse, Barely Legal and Teenage. So the only thing he has in common with other men may be the reason he gets thrown in jail.

Michael’s accuser says he never talked directly with Jay Leno. But that’s not what Leno says. He says the kid’s mom called him and then put him on the phone. “Even though I think Michael Jackson is guilty, I still went, ‘Boy, they finally found a mark.’” Then, Leno’s chin fell off.

Ashton Kutcher has hired Brad Pitt’s personal trainer. He was jealous when Demi was drooling over Brad in Troy.

Rosie O’Donnell told some fat jokes about Star Jones and Kirstie Alley at a women’s health benefit.

“Star says she’s lost that weight through diet and exercise. Yeah I’d like to see that *expletive* do a pushup.”

Kirstie Alley is doing that Showtime show Fat Actress and says she was 201 pounds at her fattest. Rosie says she’s a liar.

“That’s my goal weight. I’m 220 pounds. That woman was over 300 pounds, mark my words. I’m obsessed that she’s doing that show and then not telling the truth. I want a public weigh-in.”

Then Rosie ate a wedding cake.

The prosecution says Michael Jackson and his accuser sat on his bed and watched Aaron Carter videos.

We’ve reached a new level of sickening.

Mattstooks.com is the only radio show in the world that never sleeps.

This is the interactive arm of The Matt Stooks Show, heard live from 5-9 every morning, Monday through Friday on The Big Kat 97-5, Junction City-Manhattan, Kansas.

Enjoy the show, enjoy the site and I hope to hear from you on both.

Matt Stooks

At the end of every beer commercial, they say “Drink (insert name of beverage) responsibly.”

Unless you’re Guinness.

Then, you have a commercial where three guys wake up as if it were Christmas Day. They sprint down the stairs wearing their St. Pat’s garb and open up their presents, which happen to be cases upon cases of Guinness, and several pony kegs. For three guys.

“Drink Guinness responsibly.”

Not quite Muppet style, but probably as close as I’ll come.

I’ve moved to Manhattan, KS, USA.

“How could you leave a place like Lawrence for Manhattan?!!!,” my silly friend Tony would ask.

You see there is this weird thing that if you went to KU, you can’t ever live in Manhattan. And if you went to K-State, you can’t ever live in Lawrence. Both are stupid.

If you want to know how Manhattan is different from Lawrence, it’s pretty simple. Take away all the stoners in Lawrence and replace them with soldiers. “Boom!” As Madden would say. Or “Bam!” as Emeril would later say, even though it’s obvious he’s ripping off Madden, which is a sad practice in and of itself.

My new home is in the morning on The Big Kat 97.5 in Junction City, just outside of Manhattan. We have a giant “stick” as radio geeks call it. “Blowtorch” is another acceptable term. We have a good signal that goes beyond Salina and stops just west of Topeka. Sorry T-Towners and Lawrencians and Olatherand Parkians, you’ll have to keep it here to stay up to date on Stooksville.

The show returns from its hiatus Monday morning. I hope you can check it out sometime. And the show will always continue on mattstooks.com.

Goodcents smells good.

Body Odor smells bad.

They both smell exactly the same.

What’s up with that?

What’s the difference between barbecue, barbeque, Bar-B-Q and BBQ?

Casseroll has to be the most disgusting name for a food. Apparently everyone but me eats it.

Do you think a barber has ever slipped on a banana peel and gauged someone’s eye out?

You get an “A” for effort, but effort starts with an “E.” Maybe it should be “E” for effort, just to confuse a lot of degenerate children.

People who say Olive Garden is in the same class as Applebees deserve to be stir fried.

I know a guy who will shake your hand like you shake a parmisan can when all the little dispensing holes get clogged.

Sorry for the delay in posts. I just got my new computer up and running at an undisclosed location west of Topeka. Since I’m in transition to my new home, I don’t have a giant selection in my refrigerator. In fact, I have one generic carton of orange juice in the fridge. That’s all.

Luckily, I live a couple of blocks from some fine dining establishments, including Burger King. I couldn’t be happier with what I just ate. I ordered an eight piece chicken strip, and got ten for the same price! Then I threw two away.

But the real winner on the menu is the new Dulce De Leche Caramel Cheesecake. Delicious. Just look at the picture.

It never tastes as good as the picture, which has a surprising papery taste to it. You shouldn’t eat pictures. But I can’t seem to learn my lesson.

Okay, so it didn’t come on that fancy plate. Or have that whipped cream on top. In fact, that’s not even the picture they have at the restaurant. It’s a Cheesecake Factory picture. But the Burger King cheesecake was still pretty good. Only $1.19.

LOS ANGELES (Hollywood Reporter) – “Dawson’s Creek” star James Van Der Beek is returning to television with a lead role in the CBS comedy pilot “Three.”

Van Der Beek will play one-half of a newly married couple. Zachary Levi of ABC’s “Less Than Perfect” was previously cast as their recently divorced friend. Van Der Beek’s feature credits include “The Rules of Attraction” and “Varsity Blues.”

Reuters/Hollywood Reporter

It’s good news all around for Dawson’s Creek fans. Katie Holmes has been tearing it up on the big screen. I saw a preview for a new movie with Pacey. And now Dawson gets another shot at TV.

I don’t know if I buy Dawson as a comedic actor, but I will be checking this show out.

And Is it me, or is James Van Der Beek one of the more ridiculous looking people on TV? That last name annoys me as well. But check out Katie Holmes:

I’m happy to announce that I have a deal to get the show back on the air in a new city. We’re going to have a lot of fun, and I hope you can check it out sometime. It will be close by, but a little out of reach for some of you. Look for an official announcement soon.

Stooks

“Yippee ky yay, Mister Falcoln.”

-Bruce Willis in the edited for TV version of Die Hard 2.

When did the networks or the studios or whoever makes that decision, decide to try to force different words into actors mouthes instead of bleeping out obscenities?

I miss the days when you would hear bleeps all over the place for movies like Die Hard 2. It still provides the protection for America’s youth, while allowing the older audience to appreciate the word that was there before the edit.

Bleeps give you the full effect of the obscenity, or close to it. The badly edited-in “Mister Falcon” lines just distract and make you laugh when John McClane blows up the airplane, instead of making you go “Hell yeah!”

By the way, “Die Hard 4.0” is in pre-production. That “point-oh” part of the title worries me.

“Did you see Leno last night?”

“No.”

“Me neither. Leno sucks”

Can we please wait until Rosie O’Donnell is revelant again before we continue to attach every fat joke to her name?

Ruben Studdard is the acceptable hefty person of choice for fat jokes, in case you were wondering.

I love when people refer to a network as a channel.

“Did you see that Seth Green is getting a show on Cartoon Network?”

“No, it’s on Channel 70.”

“That’s Cartoon Network.”

“Yeah. Good ole Channel 70.”

Every time Iron Chef is on TV, it takes me a little while to figure out if it really is Iron Chef or a parody of it.

Why does BASF advertise? They’re the company that says “We don’t make a lot of the products you buy. We make a lot of the products you buy, better.”

Okay. Now what? Do you want me to buy something or not? Do I look for your logo on all the products I buy from now on?

“Uh oh. This product doesn’t mention BASF. Otherwise, it would be better.”

How come a basketball that hangs on the rim and then goes in, it is thanks to a “lucky bounce.” But if the same basketball hangs on the rim and falls off, it is an “unlucky bounce?”

Those Mountain Dew “Spy vs Spy” commercials are the most boring, unfunny, non-thirst-inducing commercials I’ve ever seen.

Inebriated is the most underused word in the English language. “Man, last night I got so inebriated.”

I’d rather watch a rerun of a show than a new “Best of” highlights show. Family Ties has the all time record on this atrocity.

Enough!

If we were getting an extra three minutes of brilliant John Locke insights, I would understand.

But we’re not.

When ABC runs Lost three minutes over the top of the hour, they’re just stuffing three more minutes of commercials down our collective throat each episode. They do the same with Desperate Housewives.

Most people think it’s a trick to keep you watching through Alias and Boston Legal, but it’s not. It’s a simple ploy to get more money out of these shows. A good way to make money is not necessarily good business practice.

But there’s nothing we can do about it, because we keep on watching the shows. How come they don’t slam Boston Legal three minutes into the local news? Because the affiliates would go crazy. Why don’t the affiliates protect us?

It really messes with me and my fellow TiVo enthusiasts. I can’t TiVo American Idol (insert comment questioning my sexual orientation here) without spending an extra ten minutes explaining to the little box why I would want to start a show three minutes late.

What’s a person who refuses to watch commercials to do?