Matt Stooks

A kid called the show to crack a “May the 4th be with you” joke.

Later, we were mocking him. He didn’t take too kindly to this and called the show again.

We also had an old man and Dorothy flying solo on “Which is the real Dorothy?”

“You think I’m repulsive now? Wait ’til you see the close-up of my right forearm. “

“Obi-Wan warned me not to rub up against that man on the bus.”

Today’s Daily Quote of the Day for Today: “May the 4th be you. And kiss me…in my special place.” – A Star Wars fan who’s upset we don’t find his ‘May the 4th’ joke funny.

I have a sore throat today.

So I’ve decided to blame everyone I work with.

We have three people who refill their Dasani-style water bottles straight from the water cooler nozzle.

The openings on these bottles is barely large enough to accomodate the nossle. This means their germy mouth goo gets on the nozzle.

They also get fecal on the nozzle. Don’t believe me? Check out this article.

We discussed this phenomenom today. Stories ranged from a co-worker who hacks at work to the High Lady talking about farting in public.

Or digital audio recorder was on the fritz today, so no new clips. We had a good “Yogurt Chat with Chip Rimaldi”…but no proof it ever happened.

However, if you haven’t stopped by my MySpace page, give it a shot. There is a clip generator on the page that will remind you of some classic Stooks moments. Click on the MySpace link to the right to enjoy the fun.

Gary Busey? Or what happens to Ellen when she gets hit in the face with a skillet?

Today’s Daily Quote of the Day for Today: “I don’t know if I could pass Long John Silver’s and not eat anything.” – Chris Casey, after Stooks told him to try the new Mexican restaurant in the J.C. ‘Just past Long John Silver’s on Sixth.’

For some reason, a college co-ed asked us for love advice this morning.

And an old woman was very confused about our phone number and what year it was.

“Pa says if I take my helmet off, the spirit of Pat Sajak will devour my eye sockets.”

Today’s Daily Quote of the Day for Today: “Well, I’ll be a herpes sore on Eleanor Roosevelt’s lip, I’ve finally got it.” – An old woman who’s pleased that she finally dialed our number after many failed attempts.

Paying too much at the pump? Inspired by posts at theprewitt.com, we pleaded with our audience to get creative and come up with some ways to save on gas. They did okay (Segment 1 here) (Segment 2 here), but our best advice came from Louie Anderson.

And even Swedish Schoolboy Hansel is feeling the pains of high gas prices.

Speaking of gas, here’s a disturbing bit courtesy of Chris Casey. I can’t elaborate, that would spoil the surprise ending!

Grandma Brooks only held baby Eliza so she had someone to blame her flatulence on.

Today’s Daily Quote of the Day for Today: “Do you really think she could fill Meredith Viera’s shoes? We know she could burst right through her blouse.” – Stooks, on the announcement of Rosie O’Donnell as Meredith Viera’s replacement on The View.

I gave in and joined MySpace yesterday. I can already tell that it will own my soul. I’m desperate for friends, by the way. So join me at myspace.com/mattstooks.

We took to the air with this, and got some interesting feedback: MySpace is at least related to the Devil on some level. Segment 1 has a girl who works at Wal-Mart and was confronted by a MySpace stalking group. Segment 2 has a guy who knows about MySpace destroying four relationships. Segment 3 has the High Lady.

The MySpace Devil: Lucifer, Hitler and grandma combined, a frightening force to reckon with.

We also got the opportunity to interview Governor Sebelius about my ideas for “Re-Driver’s Education.”

Here’s a new edition of which are the real Rose and Dorothy.

Remember the other day when I was upset about the reporting in The Collegian? We introduced a new bit called “How would The Collegian report it?”

Today’s Daily Quote of the Day for Today: “The most frightening edition ever to People’s most beautiful list…the beast that we know as Kirstie Alley.” – Stooks, on Kirstie making the mag’s 2006 list.

Once again, someone called our show looking for “Swap Shop.” We made an exception and let him share his items.

Discussion on last night’s American Idol led to a frightening Patrick Swayze reach-a-round reference.

“Swayze, hands off my clay phallus.”

Today’s Daily Quote of the Day for Today: “Abdul’s ‘dumb’ is chemically induced.” – Chris Casey, saying Kellie Pickler would win in a ‘Dumb-off’ because she’s naturally moronic.

***Coming soon to Stooks in the Morning: Patrick Swayze’s Pottery Barn for Kids.***

Yogurt is pretty good. But, unlike my co-host, I refuse to eat more than one yogurt in a row.

GoGurt is a fun yogurt treat. As you can see, they cleverly use a see-through package for different games and light sabers and such.

“Now that I have my weapon, time to murder Jar Jar Binks…right in the face.

Here’s “Yogurt Chat with Chip Rimaldi.” Today’s guest is Yogurt Enthusiast Benji Homona.

Frightening news in today’s Stooks Scoop about X-File’s Scully and Maury Povich.

We also had a frank discussion on whether it’s okay to judge people based on looks. Namely, if they look like serial killers.

Growing my stash into a goatee makes me more snuggable…like Richard Karn.

Today’s Daily Quote of the Day for Today: “Every dog has his day. It’s usually the one where he plants a loaf right on your new afghan.” -The Stooks Proverb.

Check out this horrifying coverage of last week’s Trike-A-Thon.

Then, check out me getting all sorts of up in their grill over this excerpt:

The Riley County Fire Department came in first place at the event with their makeshift tricycle, which was adorned with a light, an American flag and a horn. Ironically, the light caught fire and started smoking during the race, but the fire department participants were determined to win.

“We are very excited,” Riley County Fire Chief Dominic Torres said. “We plan on participating in the future and trying to win again next year.”

That makes it look like the Fire Department won. Baloney! I have photograph proof of the true champions.

Unbeknownst to the victors, The Collegian’s top reporter was running off to tell lies

The High Lady called to offer her support.

Today’s Daily Quote of the Day for Today: “I have tears in my eyes big as goose eggs.” – The High Lady, sharing in our disdain at The Collegian’s faulty news coverage.

Earth Day is tomorrow. To celebrate, we had an Earth Day Tip. We had another Earth Day Tip. And we had one glorious grand finale of an Earth Day Tip.

Without Earth Day, the oceans will boil the dolphins, and birds will develop a blue, log-like apparatus…and Chinese writing will appear in the corners of all children’s drawings. Translation: “Oh no, it’s Godzirra!”

Have you noticed the increase in the number of people wearing the wireless headsets? I saw three people at Rusty’s wearing them in the bar. How lame. Adam the Telemarketer called in to set us straight.

“Stooks from the Future” called in to update us on Baby Cruise-Holmes.

And Hansel joined us to talk about the K-State Spring Game.

Today’s Daily Quote of the Day for Today: “The Hamburglar…(long pause)…Talks.” – Chris Casey, after Stooks challenged him to name a mascot that can speak. Stooks went on to explain that The Hamburglar only says “Rubble, rubble,” and wouldn’t count anyway.

UPDATE!!! Almost forgot to put a call from the High Lady that we got after the show. She’s also the quote of the day at the bottom of this post.

Which are the real Blanche and Dorothy? You decide.

And a stoner called in to celebrate 4/20.

But the biggest item of the day is a series of emails I’ve received. This is one of the many perks of being in radio.

PS: i love when you make fun of Britney Spears, keep doing it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I emailed her back, saying “thanks for listening, blah, blah, blah.”

Then, I get…

I just wanted to say thanks for emailing me back you are awesome, when can i meet you??? I live in Junction City.

Okay, things were starting to get a little creepy. Then, I get the following email from a different girl:

I figured they had the wrong email address or something. Boy was I wrong. I got this email from the first girl.

MAT, I AM REALLY SORRY!!!!!!!!!! I AM A STUPID PERSON, PLEASE I HAVE SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU, FRIDAY, I WAS TALKING TO THIS GIRL THAT THOUGHT THAT SHE WAS COOL ENOUGH TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD, SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE HAD AN 8 MONTH BABY AND THAT HER BOYFRIEND AND HER WERE ABOUT TO GET MARRIED IN APRIL 28, SO MS. I AM SO STUPID (ME) I GOT SO JEALOUS THAT I TOLD HER THAT YOU WERE MY BOYFRIEND, AND THE WORST THAT WE WERE ABOUT TO HAVE A BABY, PLEASE FORGIVE ME, I WAS JUST SO JEALOUS BECAUSE SHE HAS ALL THE THINGS THAT I WANT TO HAVE, IF YOU HAVE RECEIVED ANY EMALI FROM ANY FEMALE, PLEASE DO NOT REPLY HER, I HOPE THAT YOU CAN UNDERSTAND ME, THE QUESTION NOW IS: “WILL YOU EVER FORGIVE ME???” PLEASE REPLY AND IF YOU HATE ME YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO HATE ME, YOU ARE A GREAT PERSON, I AM REALLY SORRY

Trixie was the first woman to ever use her own nose for artificial insemination.

Today’s Daily Quote of the Day for Today: “Well, I’d sleep with her bones. And I wouldn’t tell a soul.” – The High Lady, after Stooks told her she couldn’t sleep with the President’s Grandmother because of her inability to be alive.

Ever see something horrifying in someone’s trashcan? How about soiled toilet paper? We tried to figure out this phenomenon.

“I pilot the aircraft with my mind…then I die of cancer or something.”

Here’s a frightening bit Chris Casey put together, called “Stooks Quest V.”

Baby Cruise-Holmes was born yesterday. We caught the action as Katie Holmes expelled the Wombcam 5000 from her innards.

Why must I insist on eating corn on the cob whole? Including the husk?

“Dropped a load on my chest?” – Stooks, guessing at what Kellie Pickler meant to say when she said “Took a load off my chest.”

In an unbelievable Stooks Scoop, we find out about a new Michael Jackson molestation fan, and we find out “What’s Tom Cruise going to feast on after Katie Holmes craps out a kid?”

With Cheney coming to town, the Iraqi Woman wanted to score tickets. And we scored an interview with Darth Cheney ourselves! An old man has plans for Cheney’s visit as well.

If you’ve still got your Bush-Cheney bumper sticker, shame on you. But at least you don’t have the “Bitch Inside” bumper sticker. One of our callers helped us figure out why someone would have a bumper sticker like that.

Today’s Daily Quote of the Day for Today: “He was like 17 at the time. That’s way out of Michael Jackson’s range. ‘No way. Get outta here.’ That’s what the judge said. ‘That’s not in Michael Jackson’s molestation range.'” – Stooks, in response to a story about a guy who said MJ molested him when he was 17.

Dick Cheney is coming to Fort Riley tomorrow.

To celebrate, here’s another edition of “Dick Cheney Says.”

The High Lady called after the show ended. She gave us some online-only thoughts on Easter and Dick Cheney coming to town.

We had our special Easter edition of the show today.

Adam, the singing telegrammer, called in with an Easter song.

Dick Cheney had hunting tips for Easter.

Barry Bonds has a new product, just in time for Easter! And here’s an online only, behind-the-scenes feature of us creating this odd bit.

Sweedish schoolboy Hansel joined us for a little Easter chat.

“I good at fake laughing at Leno and lifting weighted plates.”

Today’s Daily Quote of the Day for Today: “Because he had lice on the sides?” – Chris Casey in response to the question of why Angelina Jolie’s adopted kid Maddox has a mohawk.

Worried about the mumps this Easter Season? The Stoner has a conspiracy theory for you.

It’s supposed to be hot Easter Sunday, the mumps are going around, and the kids are already too violent over the whole Easter Egg ordeal. Luckily, we find out “How would Jesus hunt?”

“Now I can get chicks for sure!”

Here’s a new game! From the makers of “Which is the real Blanche?” comes “Which are the real Ma and Dorothy?”

Today’s Daily Quote of the Day for Today: “How would Jesus hunt? He would hold his hands up and the eggs would just float up and rush toward him…He’s like Neo from The Matrix” -Classic caller

My co-host, Chris Casey, can’t turn away telemarketers. This resulted in him paying $20 for a concert that he won’t attend to benefit the Kansas Highway Patrol. Luckily, one of our Fox 4 “Problem Solvers” viewers alerted us that this was a scam.

These three women have one problem: John Holt’s intense libido.

Believe it or not, this guy topped Chris’ story by forking out $1,500 for a vacuum cleaner…and the door-to-door saleswoman didn’t even try to trick him by demonstrating it’s obscene capabilities.

Apparently, the next couple of days are going to be a little hot for the door-to-door salespeople. But the heat may work for this woman, who has to sit in a car without a pee break for three hours at a time. And this guy thinks he knows why it’s so hot so early this year.

Oprah has changed her hairstyle…not good. Here, I plead with our listeners to change Oprah’s ways.

I went to Wal-Mart yesterday, got out of my car, stepped in gum, shopped, and stepped in the same gum. Ridiculous.

So we started talking this morning about things that are more annoying than stepping in gum.

In this segment, a girl hates flip flops that break and a guy hates pedestrians.

Here’s a lady who drops the line “500 points for me” in reference to hitting pedestrians.

Here, a guy is worried about what to do when he’s headed for a puddle and a pedestrian may get splashed.

That’s it for “pedestrian chat” for today.

Here’s an offensive segment involving a guy who doesn’t like illegal immigrants.

We are starting to give back to the community, here’s our first anti-drug PSA.

“I used to say ‘gumshoes’ when I was alive. Get it?”

I got stuck behind a Wedgie Picker while running in City Park (home of Johnny Kaw) yesterday.

Classic calls ensued for this conversation.

First, we talked about using tongs to de-wedgie.

Then, we worried about Wedgie Watchers leering from afar.

Finally, a caller solved all of our problems with the “sympathy wedgie.”

We also had a food fight.

“You’re off the force Sipowicz! Now, where’d you hide that Mark-Paul Gosselaar?”

AKA “Peter Gallagher and old men.”

Here is an old man. Here is another.

Our movie skeptic called in to complain about Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead again.

Finally, The O.C. has been sucking to the extreme in the last couple of years. I opted for American Inventor over The O.C. last night. So, we challenged our listeners to “Convince me to watch The O.C.”

“Mommy! Will two magnificent monarch butterflies escape from Peter Gallagher’s forehead?”

Pretty good show today. I didn’t have to vomit afterward like I normally do.

This guy thinks Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead is a logistical nightmare.

We were talking about how much a ripoff those joke text message services are. 99 cents a joke. This bit contains a woman who says self-help books on lovemaking are a joke.

“Argh! I got Elizabeth Berkley’s career in my eye!”

Sadly, this man thinks American Idol is a crock, and texting your vote is a waste of money and energy.

And finally another edition of “Which are the real Blanche and some other guy?”

If you’ve ever ordered at a Mexican restaurant in Spanish, you need to listen to our discussion from this morning to find out why you’re in the wrong.

Many toucans were harmed in the making of this poncho.

We also played a little game called “What’s Tom Cruise going to put in Katie Holmes’ mouth to shut her up during childbirth?”

And the old, German woman gets in a vicious car accident while scolding us for bad weather forecasting.

I had a good time over our break in Denver, including a tour of the Coors facility. Our tour guide has been giving the same tour 5-6 times a day for 12 years. This got us talking about incredibly boring jobs, ending in a call from a man who does a horrifying impression of a man who can barely speak English.

The least qualified people always seem to get the telemarketing jobs. Here’s Adam, who wants to sell us some UCLA National Championship gear, even though Florida won.

We also used the Wombcam 5000 to look inside Katie Holmes’ vast womb to see what effects her spicy diet is having on the baby.

One guy confused our station with our sister station, 1420 KJCK. They have a program called “Swap Shop,” where you can buy, sell and trade. This guy doesn’t want to wait to get his items on the air.

We’re taking a couple of shows off. We will return Tuesday, April 4th. Until then, we’ll be in clip show or “Least Worst of Stooks in the Morning” mode. And we have hella clips for you to enjoy from todays show.

First off, the solution to the crunchy vs. creamy peanut butter debate.

“Ohhhhh. Mister Peanut. Was it good for you?”

Here’s a call from a dude, which gives us an interesting use of the phrase “Marky Mark’s Funky Bunch.”

Sweedish Schoolboy Hansel has the Bird Flu and a lady wants Orlando Bloom.

I beg you to listen to a series of three clips from the High Lady…all from today’s show.

1. The High Lady disregards our topic to tell me how great we are.

2. The High Lady does a singing telegram to make up for a lame one we got earlier.

3. The High Lady says her friend thinks we should play more music, leading the High Lady to drop the phrase “pop a squat.” You’ll only hear this clip at mattstooks.com…far too racy and odd for even this show.

Here’s the inaugural edition of “Dick Cheney Says.”

Can you buy a dog just for the purpose of “picking up at the park.” The Stoner is too scared to even try.

The Iraqi Woman has discovered MySpace, and has some disturbing news to share.

And here’s what it’s like to find out when you are not, indeed, “gelling.”

“I am gelling! And I’ve got a killer stash?!!”

BONUS CLIP: Me and Hasselhoff.

A girl won our “for fun and laughs” only office pool.

This guy called in to say he never gets any good brackets.

And this guy tried to sell us a gross of Girl Scout uniforms.

“They never found the Girl Scouts’ remains.”

Lots of stuff today.

Huggies laid the smack down on some ESPN guy yesterday for saying mean things about Manhattan. We talked to the ESPN dude today. He was quite apologetic.

Yesterday, Kansas overruled Emperor Sebelius’ attempt to keep us from carrying our guns around.

Chris and I shot off weapons in the studio to celebrate.

Hansel called in to say the conceiled gun law makes his dad happy.

Here is a fun new segment, called “Old Men Talking.”

Speaking of which, how about a new edition of “Which are the real Blanche, Dorothy and Rose?”

Finally, a look at the repaired American Idol beach ball.

“Yay!”

Congrats to K-State for getting Bob Huggins as its next basketball coach.

But he’ll have to adjust to the different lifestyle Manhattan has from Cincinnati.

So some of our callers, including Johnny Kaw, called in to let him know the many benefits the state of Kansas has to offer.

The German Woman also called in to offer her thoughts.

“Deal? Or No Deal?”

The Evil Emperor of Kansas Kathleen Sebelius vetoed a concealed guns bill yesterday.

We talked about how angry this made us.

Then, a gun enthusiast called the show in a rage.

“Has anyone seen my rifle?”

The show was kinda lame today, so all we have is a funny old man that will only take about 15 seconds of your time. And here’s another.

The Old Man of North America is known to remove gnats from other aging primates.