What if Michael Vick had sponsored bumfighting instead of dogfighting?
Do you think Dr. Phil would invite him on his show and then throw him off without interviewing him? Or do you think he would’ve milked his moustache the interview a bit longer?
Okay, listen up Internet.
If I have to postpone another “Castro is Dead!” celebration party, you don’t get a chance to hit the piñata.
“The timing to bring the franchise back is perfect, and NBC is the ideal home.” – Gladiators producer douche.
Look for it, minus Nitro, midseason. Maybe they could get him as an analyst. You can catch reruns on ESPN Classic. Here’s Nitro talking about the event the Gladiators hated the most. One hint: it’s not acting.
Look at me. What a piece of filth.
Apparently, I suffer pit stains because I overapply and/or don’t let my antiperspirant dry before “donning clothing.”
From SweatSolutions.org (gotta love the non-profit sweat-related sites):
“Just rinse the affected area of the garment with cold water before you wash it…It’s the acidity of antiperspirants that causes staining. Instead of washing those stains out, warm or hot water can ‘set’ them by causing a chemical reaction that binds the stain to the fabric. Pretreating with a stain remover can make the situation worse.”
And if that doesn’t work?
Call the toll-free customer service number located on the label of the antiperspirant. The manufacturer may have additional stain removal ideas or may even help you replace the damaged item.
I have to make that call. Not because I’m that desperate over pit stains, but because that would be a conversation to record/cherish for a lifetime.
USA Today’s got me on a roll. Maybe I should just start an anti-USA Today blog. But, then I’d have to read more USA Today.
“Yet another music format is merging onto the infotainment superhighway, and it may help force the CD player down a one-way street to the eight-track landfill.”
What is this absolute wonderment of infotaining, CD-slaying goodness? The MVI disc, of course. The “format poised to succeed the fading DVD-Audio and SACD.” Yup, you heard right. Your precious DVD-Audio and SACD discs are approaching worthlessness.
MVI lets you get audio and video off the disc. It plays in DVD players (good), computers (even better), but not CD players (confusing and inconvenient).
Yes, the record labels are trying to invent new technologies to get you to buy ALL of Yung Joc’s Hustlenomic$, not just choice selections like “I’m A G.” Otherwise, Yung Joc won’t be able to justify the dollar sign as an “s” in the title. Help a G out, will ya?
Idea: put more than three good songs on most albums, and people will buy them. For years, consumers were forced to buy an entire album just to enjoy the few good songs there. Labels milked it as long as they could, even to the point of forcing listeners to get music illegally in order to get it the way they wanted: digitally, and per song (free helped). Find a way to move your content online, because the audience you’re trying to capture with this new format lives online. As of this writing, there’s not even a Wikipedia entry for MVI.
I know, I shouldn’t be reading USA Today.
A grade schooler would’ve been proud had they written the front-page story in today’s Money section: “People buy small cars even though they can be deadly.”
The gist of the story: madmen everywhere are buying more small cars, despite their horrifying safety levels, just to save a dime on gas.
Just look at this devastating chart:
This means, that if you’re in a small car, you have a 0.0108 percent chance of dying in a car accident, versus the much safer 0.0055 percent chance of dying if you’re in an SUV. This chart should be titled: “Foolish cheapskates and their small-car death wish.”
When you’re talking “deaths per million,” and the highest number barely cracks 100, you probably don’t have enough to write this particular scare story.
To further kill the story’s validity, USA Today includes this chart:
Thank God they put that drastic 0.2 percent jump in small car sales in bold, otherwise I might’ve seen that 4.2 percent increase in SUV sales. Why did that number go up? Where’s my “People buy more SUVs even though they can’t afford the payments or gas” story?
Come on, USA Today.
I saw a guy at Target who had a beard and a fanny pack, a combination never witnessed before.
Here’s where a bearded fanny pack falls in the echelon of likeliness to wear a fanny pack:
1. Overweight woman at a theme park
2. Thin man with several kids at a theme park
…
167. Guy with a beard
168. Hugh Downs
What happens when six perpetually flaccid, yet musically inclined, buddies all discover Viagra at the same time?
Take a look.
Why do I always think “Judge Dredd” before I realize I mean to be thinking “Demolition Man”?
Even though Demolition Man showed how easy it was to defeat a retinal scan 14 years ago, companies keep developing the technology.
Snipes was even frozen before the technology was around, and quickly figured out how to defeat the system.
Next up: penile scan.
If you haven’t heard yet, you’re not supposed to go to work, shop or go to school on September 11th, so that the government can know how uncool everyone thinks everything is right now. Plus, that means no one will buy gas, and we’ll all be able to get it for 99 cents a gallon again. Internet forever!
He’s used to the guide feature on his dish, so he needed the help only a TV Guide could offer. On the way to visit him yesterday, I went hunting for the surprisingly elusive Guide. The story ends in horror.
First, I went into QuikTrip. No luck there. I awkwardly left the convenience store with nothing in hand, after frantically scanning the magazine and newspaper racks like a horny teen searching for a Hustler to shoplift.
Rather than try other convenience stores with misspelled names, I headed into Hy-Vee. I went to the magazine section of the store, and struck out once more.
Cursing my stupidity for not looking for the TV Guide in its natural habitat in the first place, I walked toward the checkout stands.
I had to look like a madman, my head bobbing up and down each of ten checkout lines’ magazine racks before finally locating the TV Guide. That’s when it struck me: at some point between now and the time people used the TV Guide to find out show times, they made it a full-sized magazine.
I spent the rest of the afternoon asking people if they knew whether TV Guide still made the small version, because this simply made no sense. No one could confirm or deny its existence. A visit to TV Guide’s website shows no small guide option, either.
The small TV Guide was the Reader’s Digest of lazy people. When you had to pull yourself away from the TV to vacate your bowels, there was the TV Guide, with its perfect size for toilet reading and promise of further TV enlightenment.
I decided to do some investigating, by taking my concerns straight to the top. Luckily, TV Guide has a customer service section where you can ask questions.
After entering my message, I clicked the submit button. Look what happened:
You’ll never get away with this, TV Guide.
I had a great time with my dad and brothers at Tuesday night’s Royals game.
The Royals ended up winning, and we had a great view.
Wait a minute. Zoom in. Is that Family Ties’ Michael Gross serving Bud Light?
Cheers, bro. It’s been too long.
Now, where’s the peanut guy who looks like Jean Claude Van Damme and the “come on guys let’s buy this stuff” guy?
I’m not a big fan of commercials that take an obvious Carl Weathers and place him in a role such as “Alex Keeth, President of Old Spice Marketing.” If you can’t take Carl Weathers and put him into a commercial as either Carl Weathers or Apollo Creed, you have a problem.
In fact, if the commercial just started with “Hi, I’m Carl Weathers, here to promote Old Spice’s latest marketing initiative: Tony Stewart’s armpits,” the spot would’ve been much better. It’s not like you’re going for authenticity here.
While perusing Careerbuilder today, I stumbled upon this interesting position.
Ten bucks an hour? Do you realize how many hours of nakedness you’d have to pull off to make a living?
Poor nudists. Always taken advantage of.
I’ve had my Sprint PCS Mogul Pocket PC for the past month, and I love the hell out of it. It downloads faster than any phone I’ve seen, and I haven’t dropped any calls.
Sadly, Sprint hasn’t taken its “Sprint Speed” concept to the customer login section of its website yet. As I’m typing this, another “The connection was reset” error pops up. It’s been the same story every day for the past week. I just want to login so I can setup a credit card for auto bill pay.
This is sad for 2007, and Sprint needs to fix it immediately. I hope this isn’t the case for every customer who tries to access their account online.
The Delorean might make a comeback. Now Christopher Lloyd can pimp something other than DirecTV. Every one of those DirecTV commercials depresses me in a profound way.
Click the ad for full size.
A blog post from Tangerine Toad mentioned the old “Abort, Retry, Ignore, Fail?” DOS failure message, and reminded me of this classic computer problem.
From Wikipedia:
The message would prompt the user to hit “A” to abort the operation, “R” to try reading the data again, or “F” to attempt to proceed without the necessary data…The Ignore option would just hand some ‘default’ data back to the application that requested the operation, and the user would have to hope that this ‘default’ data would not interfere with the operation of the program.
Most users, including myself, rarely had luck with any of the methods. But looking back, I see a bit of a personality test.
Which option did you choose?
Abort: You likely pressed “A” faster than any of the non-Abort DOS users pressed their respective keys. You freak out easily. What were you thinking trying to execute that command in the first place? Time to spend a couple weeks away from the computer. This might be a good thing. The last time your daughter got dysentery in Oregon Trail, despair drove you to plunge your wagon through an impassable river.
Retry: You’re a blind optimist. Luckily, your family came to expect long absences, as you endlessly pecked away at the “R” key. One day, a loved one bursts into the room: Windows 3.0 to the rescue. Unfortunately, you refuse to fail, continuing your never-ending stay in Dos purgatory.
Ignore: Your life is in shambles. You ignore anything negative in your day-to-day life. “Everything’s cool” is your mantra. If only your computer obeyed commands like your Geo Metro. It’s supposed to smoke like that. Now if they could just route the “I” button to a gas pedal…
Fail: You’re a Microsoft user for life.
My friend Jon laid down a serious jam session with a street corner guitarist Saturday night in Westport.
I just found out I’m competing against Andre Agassi in my job search.
Click for a larger image.
I’m going to be using this space to publish my portfolio. Feel free to share your thoughts. “You shouldn’t have quit your job” doesn’t count as constructive criticism.
Topics include: weekend in Lawrence, drunks bumming smokes, texting like a douche, drinking, living with your parents, and more!
I spent a fun night in Lawrence Saturday.
The hangover food at Mirth Internet Cafe was a nice finish to the weekend. I didn’t see anyone using the Internet, but the cafe part was quite enjoyable. After one visit, it’s right up there with Milton’s as one of my favorite all-time breakfast joints in Lawrence.
On the walk back, I got the chance to check out an interesting piece of art outside the courthouse/police station.
(7:16 podcast) I’m all about cellphones in this podcast.
After five years, I have a new phone. It’s a beauty: the Sprint Mogul.
I’m using Orb to stream audio from my home network to the Mogul. Pretty flawless so far. Orb lets you stream any media from your home to any computer. So, instead of having an 8 gig iPhone, I have Orb streaming from my 250 gig external hard drive to my Mogul.
I can watch YouTube videos on the Mogul, too. While the Sprint network is loads faster than AT&T’s, the video isn’t nearly as crisp as the beautiful screen on the iPhone. YouTube looks better on the iPhone than on any computer monitor I’ve seen.
I have to say, the iPhone is one of the best things I’ve ever played with (tee hee). I’m hoping for an iPod with the same screen and Wi-Fi as the iPhone. Basically, the same device, minus the phone, minus a couple hundred bucks.
The fast data network was what sold me on Sprint. If you have a friend who works at Sprint, you can use their email address and get a ridiculously cheap plan with the Sprint Employee Referral Offer. I ended up saving more than 100 bucks on the phone itself, 1250 anytime minutes, unlimited nights and weekends, and unlimited data. All of this, just for 50 bucks a month and one awkward 20-minute conversation with a Sprint employee upon activation.
I’m very disappointed in USA Today for a misleading tease in today’s paper. They were plugging an online poll related to the “Michael Vick indicted for dog fights/murders” story.
The story talks about killing under-performing dogs through hanging and electrocution. “Vote for what you think should happen to Vick” has so many creative possibilities as it relates to this story.
Here’s the poll:
This dude was standing at the corner of Santa Fe and Mur-Len in Olathe at 4:00/92 degrees today. At least he’s got some shade and a stalking cap. Yeah, I’m not really sure about the thought behind the stalking cap.
