Matt Stooks

You fools and your small cars!

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I know, I shouldn’t be reading USA Today.

A grade schooler would’ve been proud had they written the front-page story in today’s Money section: “People buy small cars even though they can be deadly.”

The gist of the story: madmen everywhere are buying more small cars, despite their horrifying safety levels, just to save a dime on gas.

Just look at this devastating chart:

This means, that if you’re in a small car, you have a 0.0108 percent chance of dying in a car accident, versus the much safer 0.0055 percent chance of dying if you’re in an SUV. This chart should be titled: “Foolish cheapskates and their small-car death wish.”

When you’re talking “deaths per million,” and the highest number barely cracks 100, you probably don’t have enough to write this particular scare story.

To further kill the story’s validity, USA Today includes this chart:

Thank God they put that drastic 0.2 percent jump in small car sales in bold, otherwise I might’ve seen that 4.2 percent increase in SUV sales. Why did that number go up? Where’s my “People buy more SUVs even though they can’t afford the payments or gas” story?

Come on, USA Today.

Fanny pack and a beard

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I saw a guy at Target who had a beard and a fanny pack, a combination never witnessed before.

Here’s where a bearded fanny pack falls in the echelon of likeliness to wear a fanny pack:

1. Overweight woman at a theme park
2. Thin man with several kids at a theme park
…
167. Guy with a beard
168. Hugh Downs

Have we learned nothing from Demolition Man?

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Why do I always think “Judge Dredd” before I realize I mean to be thinking “Demolition Man”?

Even though Demolition Man showed how easy it was to defeat a retinal scan 14 years ago, companies keep developing the technology.

Snipes was even frozen before the technology was around, and quickly figured out how to defeat the system.

Next up: penile scan.

TV Guide goes big, small time

Posted on by Matt Stooks
My grandpa is going to spend the next couple of weeks in assisted living.

He’s used to the guide feature on his dish, so he needed the help only a TV Guide could offer. On the way to visit him yesterday, I went hunting for the surprisingly elusive Guide. The story ends in horror.

First, I went into QuikTrip. No luck there. I awkwardly left the convenience store with nothing in hand, after frantically scanning the magazine and newspaper racks like a horny teen searching for a Hustler to shoplift.

Rather than try other convenience stores with misspelled names, I headed into Hy-Vee. I went to the magazine section of the store, and struck out once more.

Cursing my stupidity for not looking for the TV Guide in its natural habitat in the first place, I walked toward the checkout stands.

I had to look like a madman, my head bobbing up and down each of ten checkout lines’ magazine racks before finally locating the TV Guide. That’s when it struck me: at some point between now and the time people used the TV Guide to find out show times, they made it a full-sized magazine.

I spent the rest of the afternoon asking people if they knew whether TV Guide still made the small version, because this simply made no sense. No one could confirm or deny its existence. A visit to TV Guide’s website shows no small guide option, either.

The small TV Guide was the Reader’s Digest of lazy people. When you had to pull yourself away from the TV to vacate your bowels, there was the TV Guide, with its perfect size for toilet reading and promise of further TV enlightenment.

I decided to do some investigating, by taking my concerns straight to the top. Luckily, TV Guide has a customer service section where you can ask questions.

After entering my message, I clicked the submit button. Look what happened:

A technical problem with a simple web form? Not likely. TV Guide must’ve programmed its feedback tool to suppress any and all inquiries including the words “small version of the TV Guide.”

You’ll never get away with this, TV Guide.

My, how the mighty have fallen

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I had a great time with my dad and brothers at Tuesday night’s Royals game.

The Royals ended up winning, and we had a great view.

Wait a minute. Zoom in. Is that Family Ties’ Michael Gross serving Bud Light?

In fact, this Michael Gross-a-like has been serving beer at Kauffman Stadium for as long as I can remember.

Cheers, bro. It’s been too long.

Now, where’s the peanut guy who looks like Jean Claude Van Damme and the “come on guys let’s buy this stuff” guy?

No, you’re Carl Weathers or Apollo Creed

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I’m not a big fan of commercials that take an obvious Carl Weathers and place him in a role such as “Alex Keeth, President of Old Spice Marketing.” If you can’t take Carl Weathers and put him into a commercial as either Carl Weathers or Apollo Creed, you have a problem.

In fact, if the commercial just started with “Hi, I’m Carl Weathers, here to promote Old Spice’s latest marketing initiative: Tony Stewart’s armpits,” the spot would’ve been much better. It’s not like you’re going for authenticity here.

Can I get Sprint’s websites at Sprint Speed?

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I’ve had my Sprint PCS Mogul Pocket PC for the past month, and I love the hell out of it. It downloads faster than any phone I’ve seen, and I haven’t dropped any calls.

Sadly, Sprint hasn’t taken its “Sprint Speed” concept to the customer login section of its website yet. As I’m typing this, another “The connection was reset” error pops up. It’s been the same story every day for the past week. I just want to login so I can setup a credit card for auto bill pay.

This is sad for 2007, and Sprint needs to fix it immediately. I hope this isn’t the case for every customer who tries to access their account online.

Abort, Retry, Ignore, Fail?

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A blog post from Tangerine Toad mentioned the old “Abort, Retry, Ignore, Fail?” DOS failure message, and reminded me of this classic computer problem.

From Wikipedia:

The message would prompt the user to hit “A” to abort the operation, “R” to try reading the data again, or “F” to attempt to proceed without the necessary data…The Ignore option would just hand some ‘default’ data back to the application that requested the operation, and the user would have to hope that this ‘default’ data would not interfere with the operation of the program.

Most users, including myself, rarely had luck with any of the methods. But looking back, I see a bit of a personality test.

Which option did you choose?

Abort: You likely pressed “A” faster than any of the non-Abort DOS users pressed their respective keys. You freak out easily. What were you thinking trying to execute that command in the first place? Time to spend a couple weeks away from the computer. This might be a good thing. The last time your daughter got dysentery in Oregon Trail, despair drove you to plunge your wagon through an impassable river.

Retry: You’re a blind optimist. Luckily, your family came to expect long absences, as you endlessly pecked away at the “R” key. One day, a loved one bursts into the room: Windows 3.0 to the rescue. Unfortunately, you refuse to fail, continuing your never-ending stay in Dos purgatory.

Ignore: Your life is in shambles. You ignore anything negative in your day-to-day life. “Everything’s cool” is your mantra. If only your computer obeyed commands like your Geo Metro. It’s supposed to smoke like that. Now if they could just route the “I” button to a gas pedal…

Fail: You’re a Microsoft user for life.

The Prayer Booth

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I spent a fun night in Lawrence Saturday.

The hangover food at Mirth Internet Cafe was a nice finish to the weekend. I didn’t see anyone using the Internet, but the cafe part was quite enjoyable. After one visit, it’s right up there with Milton’s as one of my favorite all-time breakfast joints in Lawrence.

On the walk back, I got the chance to check out an interesting piece of art outside the courthouse/police station.

The "I’m a dork" Podcast

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(7:16 podcast) I’m all about cellphones in this podcast.

After five years, I have a new phone. It’s a beauty: the Sprint Mogul.

I’m using Orb to stream audio from my home network to the Mogul. Pretty flawless so far. Orb lets you stream any media from your home to any computer. So, instead of having an 8 gig iPhone, I have Orb streaming from my 250 gig external hard drive to my Mogul.

I can watch YouTube videos on the Mogul, too. While the Sprint network is loads faster than AT&T’s, the video isn’t nearly as crisp as the beautiful screen on the iPhone. YouTube looks better on the iPhone than on any computer monitor I’ve seen.

I have to say, the iPhone is one of the best things I’ve ever played with (tee hee). I’m hoping for an iPod with the same screen and Wi-Fi as the iPhone. Basically, the same device, minus the phone, minus a couple hundred bucks.

The fast data network was what sold me on Sprint. If you have a friend who works at Sprint, you can use their email address and get a ridiculously cheap plan with the Sprint Employee Referral Offer. I ended up saving more than 100 bucks on the phone itself, 1250 anytime minutes, unlimited nights and weekends, and unlimited data. All of this, just for 50 bucks a month and one awkward 20-minute conversation with a Sprint employee upon activation.

Over promise, under deliver

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I’m very disappointed in USA Today for a misleading tease in today’s paper. They were plugging an online poll related to the “Michael Vick indicted for dog fights/murders” story.

The story talks about killing under-performing dogs through hanging and electrocution. “Vote for what you think should happen to Vick” has so many creative possibilities as it relates to this story.

Here’s the poll:

We can’t even get a “put an electric shock caller on him” option?

Little Caesar’s cruel marketing

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The hotter it gets, the more likely you are to see some poor person as a walking ad for Little Caesar’s.

This dude was standing at the corner of Santa Fe and Mur-Len in Olathe at 4:00/92 degrees today. At least he’s got some shade and a stalking cap. Yeah, I’m not really sure about the thought behind the stalking cap.

Seven bucks an hour doesn’t sound all that glamorous. That is, until you figure that’s one Hot and Ready Pizza and two liter per hour.

Microsoft can do cool stuff, too

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Everyone’s been loving on Apple so much for the iPhone that I’m starting to feel bad for poor old, lonely Microsoft. I’ve been showing this video off to friends for the last couple of months anyway, so it deserves a little blog love.

It’s a program called Photosynth. If you haven’t seen it, get ready for a mind blow.

Google ads far from perfect

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Google is one of the best companies of all time, but it still has its kinks.

Google’s AdSense program allows blogs and other websites to make money. Google passes along some of the money it makes when visitors click on an ad.

Google brags about its ability to deliver targeted ads to your website. Moreover, Google brags about its ability to deliver its clients’ ads to potential clients through AdWords.

As of this writing, my ad client was pimping Silica Gel, a topic I tackled two days/five posts ago.

Spend ten seconds on my site, and you’ll know there’s a less-than-slight chance my visitors need silica any time soon.

Luckily, Google loses revenue when its ads go unclicked, so this problem shouldn’t go unchecked too long.

For the time being, mentioning “silica” might cost me another two days of silica-targeted ads.

My first picture text

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Text-message rape forced me into joining the text message gestapo about six months ago.

This morning, I awoke to find a picture text message on my phone.

If you didn’t know, my phone is ancient. I think I’ve had it four years.

So, if someone sends me a picture text, I have to enter the website name in the text and then enter a password.

Here’s what I got:

No clue.