You won’t see me driving when I’m old. Actually, you probably won’t see many people driving since teleportation will be so standard. I guess I’ll have to make this hypothetical. If I were old today, I wouldn’t drive anywhere. I might not be aware of my elderly perception of the time/space/speed-limit continuum, but I guarantee…
To the woman in front of me at Price Chopper: Congratulations! You’re friends with the checker! Awesome! Unfortunately, the rest of us don’t invest the time to develop lifelong friendships with grocery store clerks. Pay your total and let us get on with our lives. I would thank you for paying with cash, but a…
Dear senior citizens, Enough with Wii Bowling already. While I’m glad you’ve embraced video games, I think it’s time to nut up and try something new. Every time there’s a picture of you playing Wii, you’re playing Wii Bowling. I bet you call the Wii “the bowling game.” “Hey, who wants to come over and…
Why is it still so hard to find a Nintendo Wii? All the nursing homes are buying them up. Why won’t I let a grandma touch my Wii? Their pruney grandma-hands have crevices that trap all kinds of bacteria and food crums. I don’t need that on my Wii remote. Plus, they refuse to wear…
Previously, a game of Hacky Sack made me feel old. Today, juggling a soccer ball showed my age. As we were juggling the ball, I noticed a hint of eyebrow in my peripheral vision. This is a first for me. My eyebrows are apparently close to running wild. Please, bear with me through this troubling…
I went to Target for some Christmas shopping. Rather than having doors that slide open. Target has traditional automatic doors that fold open. As I approached the store, I noticed an old woman trying to escape from the entrance. She was standing about two inches from the glass, her cane helping to prop her up. …
I’ll be 27 a month from now. Even as immature as I am, I’m starting to feel as old as I am. Yesterday’s game of Hacky Sack nearly left me a cripple. Both of my hamstrings are sore and I pulled my right groin (currently taking applications for groin masseuse). This weekend, I’ll take part…
Girls breasts are getting bigger with every generation. Check out this article and all the hilarious profile shots of grandma’s tiny boobs, mom’s medium boobs, and daughter’s suffocation sacks. Here’s one family’s sample. See how the smug, big-breasted look on the face of the youngest contrasts with the humble, washboard-chested look on grandma’s face? This…
From the Chicago Tribune: About 7 percent of dog owners plan to purchase a Halloween costume for their pet this year, up from 4 percent in 2004. This number seems low. Animals don’t belong in costumes. I used to think dressing up babies in costumes was just as dumb, but at least they’ll grow up…
Jeri Anne got to meet an old man who thinks the world is ending (2:25). What did she have to dodge while talking to him? Questions about the war? Spittle? False teeth? You’ll have to listen to find out. “Global Warming is God saying ‘I’m coming bitches!’”
This is Chris Casey’s latest film. Take 25 minutes to watch and enjoy. Here’s his MySpace site.
Last week, I went to the gas station. As I was about to pay, an old woman came in and made a scene about the credit card machine not reading her card at the pump. She was being unreasonable thinking she might get charged twice. Unreasonable like a fox. I think certain old people take…