Meet New York Governor (as of this writing) Eliot Spitzer. Eliot likes prostitutes, and this poses a problem: Eliot needs some bad facial hair for this kind of behavior. Get after it, Els. The world demands a villainous mustache.
Meet New York Governor (as of this writing) Eliot Spitzer. Eliot likes prostitutes, and this poses a problem: Eliot needs some bad facial hair for this kind of behavior. Get after it, Els. The world demands a villainous mustache.
Dear Hillary, Congratulations on winning some states again. However, this means I have to watch more CNN and Wolf Blitzer’s beard. Damn you, Matt P.S. What were you thinking Ohio, Texas and Rhode Island? Seriously. You’re silly. “I often speak awkwardly, awkwardly speaking I do.”
Check out this fun flash game: Falling Hillary. If the screenshot below isn’t enough to get you playing, there’s something wrong with you. Hint: If she gets stuck, click on her and move her with your mouse.
President Bush says we’re not heading into a recession. What does this mean for you? Sell all your stocks immediately. Hard times ahead.
The phrase “loss of lives and treasure” is a popular one in regards to the war in Iraq these days. What century is this? We talk about losing “treasure” and the voting habits of “blacks and browns.” What happened to inventing fun new words like “Islamofascist?” Stolen by Blackbeard in Fallujah
Oh no! You forgot to TiVo the debate? Don’t worry, I’ll tell you what happened. Here’s my wrap up: Bush, Bush, McCain, Bush, generic Texas pander, Bush, Bush, mandate, McCain, McCain, Iraq, Bush, etc. You’re welcome. “Which orifice are we talking about, Barack?”
Hillary Clinton is starting to annoy me. She keeps giving the same speech. “It’s about picking a president who relies not just on words but on work, on hard work,” she said. “We need to make a choice between speeches and solutions, because while words matter greatly, the greatest words in the world are not…
Here comes Chris Matthews with some help for the morons who think Barack Obama is Muslim. Today, Chris Matthews asked on his show: “What did Barack Obama say and why’s it causing controversy?” It took a couple of seconds before someone realized the accompanying graphic was a little messed up and took it off the…
The Department of Defense wants the death penalty for six 9/11 suspects, including Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. So much for Hanes‘ wide-neck t-shirt advertising campaign. It showed off torso hair so well. Such a shame.
Missouri voted last night. Missouri is an important indicator in politics, thanks to its mix of urban and rural communities. This means I’ve had to hear almost every news douche opt for the “Missouruh” pronunciation in the last 24 hours. Here’s a good post about why a correct pronunciation doesn’t exist. But I don’t care…
The media has made a point to constantly talk about how Bill Clinton “injected” race into the campaign. Then, the same media goes on to point out exactly which races and genders voted for Barack and Hillary. I found this curious. After some intense investigation, I have determined Barack Obama to be black. During the…
Have you heard about The Snub? Hillary reached for Barack’s hand at the State of the Union and struck out. The media has been using this photo as proof of the snub. Barack says he was talking to someone else at the time. Hillary is obviously talking to Ted Kennedy at the time, so this…
There’s a ton of reasons I wouldn’t run for Congress, but the State of the Union Address just might top the list. I hate giving a standing ovation, and standing ovations are thrown around like candy at the State of the Union. I just don’t think that many things deserve a standing ovation. If I…
You’re all full of shit. Republicans, you won’t be cutting taxes, the Mexicans are staying, and you’re not going into Iran. Democrats, you won’t be getting health care. The market is in the toilet, our money has vanished in an endless pit in Iraq, and the money we do have isn’t worth dick. You can’t…
Hey, CNN. Are you going to return your analysts’ computers after the election? How about you take those stickers off your laptops. You do realize you’re on TV, right?
First, it was Chuck Norris. But now look who’s standing next to Chuck. Ric Flair campaigned with Mike Huckabee in South Carolina. Refusing to be upstaged by Flair, Chuck Norris displayed his superior political prowess when he pulled out his balls and attacked John McCain. Norris claimed presidents aged three years to every one year…
If you have a ridiculous name, like “Mitt,” do you really want to remind people how ridiculous your name is all the time? And what are the benefits of having a baseball mitt associated with your campaign? Now that I think about it, I do love the leathery, dusty goodness of a baseball glove. Maybe…
First Hillary Clinton cried, and now Terrell Owens sheds some tears. T.O. is a tears tease. He cries his ass off while wearing sunglasses. That’s cheating. So what does all this mean for crying? Does having two of the most perceived bitches cry on TV make it a more acceptable public activity? I think that…
This poor woman just doesn’t photograph well. “Hey, that’s the same upholstery I’m wearing!” After tonight, Hillary will realize the perils of “point elbow.” Following hours of putting out her finger, Hillary turns white from the intestinal buildup. Someone pull it already!
Hillary Clinton, in a desperate attempt to disprove her robot heritage, got emotional on the campaign trail yesterday. Her various electronic components withstood the salty flood.
Dear Mike Huckabee, I thought it was funny and politically brilliant for you to have Chuck Norris do an ad with you. But having Norris flank you during your Iowa Caucus victory speech weirds me out a bit. Look at the Chuckster, laughing his ass off at your every word. People are talking, Mike. They’re…
CNN had two different pie charts up at the same time during the Iowa caucuses. Here’s the pie chart they put up for the Democrats. Notice how CNN went out of its way to squeeze Bill Richardson’s two percent piece into the pie? Now, look at the Republican pie chart. Notice the giant void between…
Kansas Attorney General Paul Morrison resigned the other day, as a sex scandal raged. While this is a major blow to the Kansas Democratic Party, it is an even bigger blow to the mustache. The mustache is an endangered species nationwide, but it seems as if the climate for mustaches in Kansas has become…
With all the world’s problems behind us, what should Congress do? Hold hearings on steroids! This type of nonsense has no business wasting elected officials’ time. Now, when are we going to get that resolution declaring Dan Fogelberg’s life and works highly underrated? Or is that lowly underrated? Hmmmm. Whatever the case, you know we’d…
CNN grabbed a handful of undecided Iowa voters, gave them a rotary dial and threw them in a room during the Republican debate Wednesday. If a candidate said something the voters liked, the voters would turn their knobs to the right, indicating a positive reaction. If a candidate said something the voters didn’t like, the…
John McLaughlin says “If I flap my wings like this, I can fly!” Sorry, I took a screenshot of John McLaughlin thinking I could surely come up with something clever to say with it. This is the best I could do.
I’m a huge Ron Paul fan. Watch John Stossel drool when asking Ron if he’d even let the state’s legalize heroin.
Scenario time. You passionately oppose the war in Iraq. You feel the need to speak out, but you know that every time you speak, you’re only hurting your cause. People who’ve come to hate the war, now like it to spite you. Why would you continue to speak? It’s because your name is Sean Penn,…
I guess I complained too early about the media name-dropping the Nebraska mall shooter. Now, we’re getting video footage of him walking into the mall and cocking his AK-47. Is our media capable of any restraint? Am I a moron to think this encourages other “troubled teens” to go psycho in front of security cameras?…
God is getting all kinds of attention this week. The Golden Compass is getting some God-related press. Mitt Romney says he’s cool with God. Why do we care? I understand the importance of religion in people’s lives. But can we stop debating our beliefs in public? Just because someone believes something different from you is…