Get it? Like “Seacrest out.” I think Seacrest made the connection, because he doesn’t drop that line anymore.
We talked about Lance Bass coming out of the closet. Then, we tried to figure out why we care.
Capricorn
Yours is a complex sign, and you can’t be expected to process things the way that other, simpler signs do. Give yourself a little space to move. Here’s a start: stay away from Guillermo in the elevator for both space and stench relief.
Gemini
Make sure you don’t neglect your health or your loved ones in pursuit of success — a sense of balance is key. Astral conditions all point toward success when it comes to achieving a long-desired goal. No, Taco Bell has nothing to do with “astral conditions.”
Libra
It’s a great time to renovate your dwelling — or to search for new digs altogether. After all, your life is changing and expanding — shouldn’t your living space keep up? Now’s the perfect time to break out the bleach and take care of those yellow mystery stains on your wall.
Pisces
You know it’s time to renovate some areas of your psyche, but that doesn’t mean you have to commit to anything before you’re sure. Think of this process like a salad bar: Go ahead and try a little of everything. And try to smuggle some bacon bits out in your nephew’s retainer case.
Stooks Proverb: Don’t judge a book by its cover. Judge it by it’s ability to knock out Paul Schaffer, sparing the world of his “eh hehehehe” laugh for even just a minute.
Lance Bass is now officially gay (Thanks to Kevin for the heads up).
Check out this quote:
“Bass…tells People magazine that he didn’t earlier disclose his sexuality because he didn’t want to affect the group’s popularity.
Yeah, right. He just liked Timberlake getting picked on for being most gay.
“What’re you hiding back there, Lance?”
Manhattan has closed Northview Pool because you get a static shock when you get into the pool.
The parks superintendent said “What was rediscovered was one or two volts of intermittent static electricity that is similar to if you were to rub your feet across the carpet and touch somebody.”
It made us ask the question “Who would you like to static electricty shock by rubbing your feet across the carpet and poking someone?”
“I knew Weird Al’s talents weren’t of this world…”In other show activity…
“The Johnny Kaw Radio Show.” Today’s topic: hiding a mouth sore.
The Iraqi woman calls Rupert Murdoch a chemical weapon for messing with MySpace.
Chris and I go head-to-head with “Movie Trivia Time.” It ends in violence.
Leo
Expand your awareness and you’ll find that your life is enriched with a much-needed adventure. A surprising opportunity awaits you, but you have to be willing to see it to take advantage of it fully. Damn you Magic Eye.
Sagittarius
Be a daredevil when it comes to matters of the heart. Wink at that cutie on the bus. Strike up a conversation with that certain someone over your morning cup of coffee. Punch some ugly scuz in the face and steal their significant other.
Taurus
Think of all this recent drama as grist for your creative mill. Haven’t you been dying to restart work on that novel, song or dance number? Go for it. Just don’t rip off Stephen Hawking again.
Virgo
In order to be successful, you have to listen to your dreams. Stop being a critic. Instead, be an artist, an innovator and a pioneer. Believe in yourself wholeheartedly, and your life will improve in astounding ways. Loser.
Stooks Proverb: When the cat’s away, the mice will play. When the Mangino’s away, the refrigerator breathes a sigh of relief. So do the neighbor’s kittens.
First off, check out this website, created by Santa’s Deb.
It is honestly one of the most frightening things I’ve ever seen.
UPDATE: Photo of the “Santa’s Deb Van,” courtesy of “The Prewitt.”
A guy calls in to question the Brady Bunch “Hawaii” episode.
Aquarius
Listen to your inner drives. If you’re strongly drawn to performing and being in the spotlight, do what it takes to foster this side of your creativity. If you’re strongly drawn to women, get some cash and head to the Lion’s Den. You’re not getting any anytime soon.
Cancer
The stars want you to make sure that those good intentions bear fruit, so apply all that creativity and knowledge and get something down on paper. Ideas just flow from you. Unfortunately, so do assorted liquids.
Scorpio
Someone in your social circle has a talent for creating drama: you. Drama Queen. Rosie in waiting. Poor man’s Star Jones. Etc.
Aries
Some people need to ask permission — unconsciously or consciously — before they do anything. But, that impulse is totally foreign to your nature. Higher forces and a much different agenda drive you. It’s time to make a “run for the border.” Because you haven’t made a run for the restroom for four days. T-Bell will fix it.
Stooks Proverb: Two heads are better than one, unless both heads have Angela Lansbury’s face.
Today’s tip: don’t drink Franzia Chardonnay, Rum and Natty in one sitting.
Don’t trust a beverage in a box, let alone alcohol
Hear a drunk girl talk about it.
Hear a guy talk about something that might be even worse.
In other show activity…
A very random and odd edition of “The Stooks Scoop,” our Hollywood segment.
Blade Velasquez called in. He has a new song: “Slinkytime.” It’s messed up.
Another edition of “Who knows what Hasselhoff will say about this?”
Capricorn
You know there’s some truth to the rumors, but you won’t contribute to a friend’s troubles. Congratulations! It’s a fine line to walk, but if anyone can cross this tightrope like a champ, it’s you. DUI Checkpoints are fun for the whole family!
Gemini
A forgetful type spills the beans on a crucial aspect of your project. Now you’ll have to start over on your black bean
Libra
Intellectual stimulation is like air to you — without it, you can feel vital life functions shutting down. It’s time to find adventure or let it find you. You better go find it, because everyone knows adventure has the sensory skills of Helen Keller.
Pisces
You have an amazing sense of diplomacy, delicacy and sensitivity, which comes in handy when you’re trying to talk with some touchy types. If anyone can manage to communicate with them, you can. And maybe John Edward. And Cleo.
Stooks Proverb: Experience is the best teacher. Although, some 12-year-olds would argue a point for Michael Jackson.
I ran over an article at askmen.com about getting your girlfriend’s friends to like you.
We questioned whether you would even want to take the effort.
O.J. never really liked Nicole’s new friends
Leo
It’s not just your retirement portfolio that should be diversified — think about your life portfolio. Instead of doing what’s comfortable and safe, think about what scares you just a little bit. Then tackle it. You might need some friends to help, as Big Bird is one stout individual.
Sagittarius
You’re a little bit of terrific for your loved ones, whether you realize it or not. The problem is you’ve been focused too much on what material goods you give your friends and family. What about intangible things? Like when you were oblivious to the fact that you had that piece of corn lodged in your left nostril while you were arguing against the threat of global warming.
Taurus
There’s a reason why this situation keeps cropping up in your life. If you keep avoiding taking on this responsibility, you may not like the next appearance it makes. Damn, wedgies suck.
Virgo
It’s not that you always have to be in charge — it’s just that you’re so darned good at it. But now is a great time to take a backseat and let someone else do the driving while you enjoy the scenery for once. That’s typical police procedure, anyway.
Stooks Proverb: Love always finds a way. Unless there’s a passed-out Mangino blocking the road.
Scroll down to check out the CBS advertising on eggs.
Photoshop decided I needed some of my own.
Oprah wants you to know that her and Gayle King aren’t gay for each other.
Oprah and Gayle talk four times a day, and apparently that’s enough to make Oprah paranoid.
I doubted Oprah’s claim as it seems girls are always on the phone with each other and no one questions it.
In this segment, two women make claims worse than Oprah: one showers with her friends and the other talks to her best friend 7-10 times a day.
In this segment, a woman says people have accused her of being gay for her best friend, but says the previous caller is an exception with the whole “showering together” thing. She also has some choice words for Stedman.
“Oprah! I told you no goosing in public!”
A guy called in to talk about gnomes.
A caller complaining about Gremlins.
Inspired by the previous caller, another listener wants to know how to clean a Mogwai.
Aquarius
Genuine satisfaction is the result of profound self-knowledge, dim lighting and “C” batteries.
Cancer
You’re fine-tuning your living space. All these home improvements lead to some happy unexpected changes in other parts of your life too. Although, people at work know what you’re up to with that new hot tub, and your rumored rendezvous with Tia the office maid has them questioning the PH balance of the tub.
Scorpio
Transformation doesn’t necessarily have to be a difficult process. Be open to messages and signs from the universe about what you need to change. Or consult the marks in your underwear.
Aries
Keep your personal life free and clear from unnecessary entanglements, especially those of the business kind. Wrestling with Sol the intern in the break room without a referee won’t be good for either of your futures.
Stooks Proverb: One man’s meat is another man’s poison…with some exceptions… especially in
At first, I thought they meant on the egg cartons, not on the eggs themselves.
I was wrong.
How EGGciting!
CBS: We eat Havana Omelets (definition here)
My parents had an encounter with their neighbors.
The neighbors were shooting birds and squirrels in my parents’ yard.
We talked about awkward encounters with neighbors.
Virgo
Are you so busy worrying about what might (or might not) happen next that you’re forgetting to count all the blessings you already have? The stars are telling you to celebrate. Time to pull out the miniature poker table for some good old fashioned Barbie strip poker.
Capricorn
Some recent shake-ups in your life have made you much more aware of your risk-to-reward ratio. Using your little brother to lure Clay Aiken into a conversation is simply what needs to be done.
Gemini
You know that old saying about a healthy mind in a healthy body? Add ‘home’ to that list while you’re at it. Clean closets, toss rotten food from the fridge, and wash the yogurt out of your bed sheets already.
Libra
Ever hear the saying, ‘follow your bliss’? It’s time to make that your daily affirmation. Just don’t be tempted to modify the saying to ‘follow Miss Bliss.’ She already has a restraining order against you.
Stooks Proverb: Out of sight, out of mind. Except for when it flares back up and starts itching again.
Luckily, we had a Free for All Friday to hide the flaws.
The Stoner called in, worried he would catch “Barbaro Disease.”
Another caller joined the show to correct some of the Stoner’s comments about “Barbario.” A Federline clone is on the same segment.
In this segment, a caller confuses us by using a big word: nepotism.
No Internet makes for a solemn Neil Clark Warren
In other show activity…
We call Baron, our tech support guy in hopes of fixing our internet problem.
An old woman calls in to complain about our treatment of Kevin Bacon on today’s show.
Scroll down to see my thoughts and some of the stats on guys wearing women’s jeans.
We talked about how difficult it would be for a guy to pull this off.
We heard from a guy who recommended Wrangler’s for a more women-jeans-like experience.
We couldn’t find a guy who’s bought women’s jeans, but we did find a girl who wears men’s jeans.
After losing a pair of women’s jeans in his navel, Frank decided to stick with his Levi’s.
In other show activity…
Steve Schnell’s “Keeping Cool for the Summer” Report.
“Who knows what Hasselhoff will say about this? North Korea Edition.”
“Who knows what Hasselhoff will say about this? Hamburglar Edition.“
Aquarius
Ever noticed you always get chatted up when you’re feeling relaxed? How sexy you are has very little to do with how you look. It’s your resemblance to Sloth from Goonies that’s scaring people away.
Cancer
It’s so easy to get caught up in everyone else’s agenda, but any more of this and you’ll feel like you only have half a life. But, just remember, it’s better than the non-existent life you had when you were unemployed, eating Fruit Loops in your underwear while watching re-runs of Dawson’s Creek on TBS.
Scorpio
Your eccentricities don’t make you unapproachable — in fact, they make you more desirable than you realize. Your quirks and specialized interests and uncontrollable swearing are what make you the life of the party.
Aries
The more you focus on a competitor, the quicker you’ll lose sight of your real goal. It’s time to examine where your real interests lie. It’s time to reenergize your sense of purpose. This time, don’t use the jumper cables and Die Hard battery. You’re still far too sensitive to try that one again.
Stooks Proverb: Curiosity killed the cat. Strategically placing some D-Con will do the trick, too. Or a shotgun. Or grabbing it by its tail and front paw while swinging around, discus-style, before launching it into your neighbors’ pool.
Ever since he wept at the end of American Idol, Hasselhoff has been pressuring me into buying a video capture card for my computer so I can have his array of ridiculous facial expressions to share along with his ridiculous speaking on America’s Got Talent.
Not to mention the new brace he’s wearing around his hand to protect it from further damage from the bathroom incident.
Watching him trying to clap while wearing the brace is a classic experience.
Until recently, no one thought Hoff could develop more than just this facial expression
Check out some tap dancing that had Hoff gazing.
And Hoff saying “Huge Notch” in reference to the tap dancers.
After the “Notch” comment, the band said something back, and Hoff was wagging his tongue like the annoying “Wazzup” guys.
And you should’ve seen how serious Hoff was when he complimented a 14-year-old.
I also wish you could’ve seen Hoff when he was giving some serious advice to a juggler.
And the juggler’s “oh no he didn’t!”
I love Regis’ teases by the way.
Men are wearing women’s jeans.
Apparently, it’s the new “punk-rock thing.”
They like them tight around the legs, and it keeps the jeans from getting tangled in a bike chain or a skateboard…since apparently this is a major problem.
Maybe if a thrasher wore the right size men’s jeans to begin with, we wouldn’t have this problem.
Around your lower buttocks, and hanging around your knees may cause some problems with your boarding skills. And now, they want to go the exact opposite way? They’re switching from having the furthest thing from a wedgie, to both full frontal and crackal wedgies.
But for now, we’ll go with it.
Check out the ridiculous stats in this quote:
Mister Poll, an online survey Web site, has measured the public’s acceptance of the fashion trend. As of Friday, 45 percent of 2,131 male participants admitted they wore women’s jeans, 20 percent answered, “No, but I want to”; 10 percent answered they never would; and the remaining 25 percent wouldn’t sport them in public.
Bullcrap.
45 percent of men wear women’s jeans?
Let’s examine what half of all men would have to go through just to buy a pair of women’s jeans.
You have to walk into the women’s section to find the jeans.
Browsing around the women’s jeans is creepy enough. Making you even creepier is the awkward back and forth glances you flash, trying to make sure no one is catching you being creepy. Making you pure sludge is the fact you’ll have to pick up 10 different pairs to try on, seeing how you aren’t familiar with what “women’s size” you are.
No way.
Wouldn’t do it.
So, Photoshop Adam calls me last night.
“Dude, did you go into Little Apple Bush (Little Apple Market is the correct name) earlier?”
“Yes,” I said.
“You need new wheels.”
So PSA starts hating on my ride. But I don’t care. All I want in a car is to get me from Point A to Point B.
We discussed people’s obsession with not only driving a nice car, but at the same time hating on someone else who doesn’t feel the need to throw cash at “climate control” and other features.
Stock photo of Stooksmobile after bird attack in February In other show activity…
We’re sick of all the sudden love for Chuck Norris.
Capricorn
Doing something right doesn’t just feel good — it feels great. This inspires you to look for more good deeds to perform, and to get others on the same generosity track. Then, one day, maybe we can live in a world without people tying up the check-out line trying to decide between
Gemini
If you’re having second thoughts, don’t lend out that heirloom vase to your flaky friend who has a hard time walking and chewing gum at the same time. But don’t judge. Not everyone can walk, chew gum, pat their head, and rub their belly at the same time. You’re one step from the circus.
Libra
The stars put the ball in your court, so don’t waste your time suiting up. Come as you are and step up to this opportunity. While the moment may not be perfect, it’s got all the components for success: Rice Crispies, marshmallows and Antiques Road Show.
Pisces
You went out looking for romance and you ended up with a new group of friends. While you may be taken aback at this turn of events, you can’t say you’re displeased. After all, you’ve been looking for a Shannon Doherty-withdrawal support group since she left 90210.
Stooks Proverb: Beauty is only skin-deep. Although, the ladies always had a thing for Skeletor.
Two clips from Sesame Street.
A weird flashpack piece about a band. The guy in the band who keeps talking about some girl sounds like a mix between Tommy Chong and Tony Danza (“Tonny Chongza” as I call him).
Elmo singing the “Wuba wuba wuba woo woo woo (or something similar) Song.”
Finally, a classic clip from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
A fine-print issue allowed a guy who just moved from Israel to legally take control of the property the bar (main setting) is on.
The bar owners go to an attorney, who happens to be of Middle Eastern descent.
His advice, followed by their reaction is one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard.
The High Lady went on an extended rant today.
Curious about chocolate milk?
Here’s “Chocolate Milk Chat with Chip Rimaldi. ” Today’s guest is Benji Homona.
Lactose issuesIt’s just a series of photos with this woman and select beverages, and either “thumbs up” or “thumbs down.” Pretty funny stuff.
Leo
Now is a good time to follow someone else’s lead, especially when it comes to your career. A coworker with a strong instinct for business can clear a path and show you what to do — and what not to do. That coworker’s name? Obi Wan Kenobi…the Moroccan guy who cleans the toilets.
Sagittarius
Manifest what you need by identifying your true desires instead of what you think you want. Once you’ve clarified your needs, you can start looking for opportunities to make them happen here and now. And Ramen lasts forever, so you won’t have to go to the store for awhile.
Taurus
It takes almost as much energy to feel insulted as it does to deliver the insult. Exercise those muscles of detachment. Stop exercising your glutes when walking around the office. Everyone knows your flexing.
Virgo
Enough with the nose-to-the-grindstone attitude. Keep working at this pace and you might just rebel. Plan a treat for yourself. Book tickets to a play, go walk in the park or spend the night throwing eggs at your 7th grade teacher’s house.
Stooks Proverb: All good things come to an end. That’s why we’re stuck with Kathy Griffin.
Chris saw Pirates of the Caribbean last night.
There was a baby in the theater. Amazingly, the baby didn’t cry.
However, not everyone is so lucky. So we talked about the possibility of rules against babies.
This segment has a guy with a brilliant idea: switches for babies.
Never make Twins a child’s first movieIn other show activity…
Blade Velasquez calls in, trying to convince us to play his weird music…we comply.
Aquarius
You pursue this current goal full-throttle, determined to reach success. This tenacious attitude gets you what you want, and then some, whether it’s a promotion at work or a new and vivacious social life. Just don’t go around telling people “my social life is so vivacious these days!” That’ll probably paint an unpleasant picture.
Cancer
Your boss isn’t questioning you because they doubt your ability — on the contrary, they’re amazed at what you’ve been able to accomplish! Give them some insight — but not the whole enchilada…otherwise they’ll blame you for giving them the trots.
Scorpio
Anything good gets even better right now if you’re willing to throw the full weight of your efforts and influence behind it. It’s a wonderful moment to work overtime, volunteer or do someone a favor and finally remove that giant chunk of tarter between your two front teeth.
Aries
The stars throw a few potholes and pitfalls in your way. Revving your engines is a waste of time, especially with the competition: a five-year-old girl on a bike, complete with pink basket.
Stooks Proverb: Old habits die hard. And when they include Whitney Houston, they die even harder.
“We’re in touch…so you be in touch.”
