Labels: stooksoscope

Posted by Matt Stooks at 6:23 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

The first step to dealing with your current mood is to acknowledge that it's there instead of ignoring it. Shake off that funk. Or, at least do us all a favor, and Febreeze it.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

You just love playing devil's advocate, and you're great at it. You know how to make people say 'I never thought of it that way!' Make sure everyone knows you're kidding so no feelings get hurt. You just can’t be too careful with Pope jokes these days.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Though you may not realize it now, you're on the verge of changing your life. You might find more in common with another culture than you think. However, the homeless sleeping under blankets of Little Caesars boxes doesn’t justify you doing the same on your leather couch.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

This seems to be another situation your outsized expectations have created. If you're feeling more fizzle than sizzle, it' time to reevaluate the prospects you have. Luckily there are only two, and they both pick up their Welfare checks at the same time.

Stooks Proverb: Great minds think alike. Bad minds think like the guy who played the non-Paul-Reiser dad on My Two Dads.

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Leo (July 23 - August 22)

That means keeping it simple, silly. Cut all the unnecessary trim and you'll find the absolute essence of success. Your wildest dreams come true, especially when you stick close to the original source: the tailpipe on an ’88 Cutlass.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You don't want to get swept away by passion -- or do you? Actually, that doesn't sound half bad right now. So just put yourself in the path of something that makes you extremely excited and brace yourself. A rolling Louie Anderson can pack quite the punch.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Someone's feeling awfully sexy, frisky, funny and lovely. Why, that person just might be you! And no wonder -- you're living proof that there's truth in advertising: sexual harassment does exist in the workplace.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Usually you excel at examining the nitty-gritty, but the stars give you the gift of being able to see the big picture and the small details that make up the whole. No one can paper mache quite like you.

Stooks Proverb: Practice makes perfect. But beware: being too perfect might draw comparisons to your 7^th grade class mate, Skinflute Sally.

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Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Thinking about others is almost always second nature to you, but right now a little voice is saying, 'But what about me, me, me?' Go ahead and give yourself some extra loving attention and kindness too. Just don’t do it in your neighbors bushes this time.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

It's time for you to get the word out. You've got what it takes -- compassion, enthusiasm and ability -- to mobilize large groups for the greater good. Unfortunately, no one owns a car in your new hippie existence.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Future plans will have a rock-solid foundation if you make an extra-special effort to pay attention to what's going on in the moment. Stay grounded in the present and you can take the next best step. Stash your pornography in your grandma’s basement so you won’t get distracted.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Sometimes you feel so strongly for a cause that it can be overwhelming. This strength of emotion is actually your ally once you learn to harness it correctly. Take some time every day for meditation, deep breathing and Boy Meets World reruns.

Stooks Proverb: Love is blind. So is Stevie Wonder.

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Figure out what you want, because there's a good chance that you'll get it. Who would’ve thought that a greeter collapsing at Wal-Mart would cause the perfect distraction for stealing condoms.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

So things look a certain way, but does that necessarily reflect the entire truth of the situation? Have you learned nothing from Magic Eye?

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

You're a genius when it comes to social arrangements. Your secret? Yahtzee.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Brush up on your listening skills, because the universe has a message: brush up on your teeth-brushing skills. You could feed a small Indonesian village with what’s buried in your gums.

Stooks Proverb: Take a hair of the dog that bit you. If you were Mel Gibson, you’d have a full fur coat by now.

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Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Someone wants to tell you something, but you're on sensory overload. If you can find a rhythm with all your multitasking, you'll be able to hear what they have to tell you. If that doesn’t work, it might be time for Miracle Ear.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Are you ready to do the right thing? If you have the courage of your convictions, your gamble may pay off in more ways than you can imagine: free drinks and a comp room if you lose enough.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Sweating out your frustrations isn't just good for your body, it's great for your heart and soul too. Unfortunately, your pungent odor, combined with your hatred of showers may cost you your next job opportunity.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

It's so sweet when everything just falls right into place. Your hard work pays off, and your sparkling, effortless charm speaks to all the right people. Go ahead and pat yourself on the back -- you deserve it. Can’t get your hand to reach your back? You probably don’t deserve the pat, after all.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t judge a book by its cover, but by its flammability. You’ll need it for your Emergency S’more Kit.

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Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

You? Making an argument for the tried-and-true? What the heck is going on? There's nothing more innovative than embracing tradition, especially when it works. And wearing a Hasselhoff wig while sifting through your archive of “Knight Rider” and “Baywatch” tapes couldn’t work any better.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

When you push too hard to make something happen, it never turns out exactly the way you think it would. Try Ex-Lax or an order of Pintos and Cheese instead.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Loyalty is always a big concern with you. You know exactly what you'd do for a loved one, but suddenly you're not sure about their agenda. Is Yoga at 6 or 6:30? Or was it Pilates. Damn. Either way, you’re pretty sure the one you swoon for has a thing for their instructor, Cilantro.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Hang on tight to that idea. It's good, so don't let anyone else tell you differently. It's just its time hasn't quite arrived yet. But one day, people will praise your groundbreaking work on Ziplock for Human Heads.

Stooks Proverb: Throw enough dirt, and some will stick. Throw enough dirt at a buttered-up Louie Anderson, and most will stick.

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Life's too short to pretend, unless you’re pretending to be Superman. That’s fun.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Are you paying attention? Some good news has landed in your lap. Make sure you tip when she’s done.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

The temptation to label things as good or bad is strong, but stop yourself from jumping to conclusions. Something you think is terrible could turn out to be beneficial. Hint: it’s not the series finale of Seinfeld. It sucked.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

There's nothing as satisfying as making a house of cards and then knocking it over and starting with a fresh deck. Okay, there’s one thing more satisfying: an afternoon with Dennis Franz.

Stooks Proverb: Beggars can’t be choosers. Unless they’ve got discards from both Original and Extra Tasty Crispy buckets of KFC.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:12 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You're at the center of it all, especially when you take the first step. You're surprised to see how many people respond to your actions, but you shouldn't be. You can clear the room thanks to the Chicken-Fried Steak and Eggs after a hangover breakfast at the Village Inn.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Sometimes you don't understand how or where these impulses pop up in your life. If you're tired of thoughtless and repeated actions, it's time to look for the divine lesson behind them. Don’t worry. “Oral fixation” isn’t as bad as it sounds.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Sometimes you wonder why others feel the need to go to extremes. Now you have the answer. Some strong cosmic impulses are pushing you to your limits, and to your surprise, you love it. Enjoy this energy. Once you crash, you’ll never be able to watch Power Rangers DinoThunder again.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

What attracts you? What makes you involved, active and happy? Exploring possible answers helps you design your own fate. So figure out what you want your future to look like and then point yourself in that direction. Or find the elderly woman with the “How may I help you?” vest.

Stooks Proverb: You only live once. And if you’re Bob Barker, you never die.

Labels: stooksoscope

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Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Knowing what you want is an important first step, but keep reminding yourself that in order to get this off the ground, there are many steps along the way. Start with changing your diaper.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

You want to get this party started -- you think. It's hard to decide, really. If you need company, why not have a low-key get-together at your house or a neighborhood coffee shop? The company of friends will lift your spirits. The tenth cup of cappuccino will dislodge that half chimichanga in your lower intestine from six months ago.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Getting the life you deserve is actually a straightforward process. Step 1: Get your Welfare check. Step 2: Cash it. Step 3: Buy Lottery tickets.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

When it comes to your aspirations, you need to dream bigger. When it comes to material goods, it’s the opposite situation. Sometimes you have to trade in those dreams of a little red Corvette for a little red whatever-the-hell Screech is driving these days. Probably an El Camino with the flatbed filled with Ex Lax.

Stooks Proverb: Laughter is the best medicine? Screw that. Robitussin is.

Labels: stooksoscope

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Everybody needs some silly nonsense in his or her life. Your spirit could do with a little refreshment, so do something you haven't done in a while. Give your spirit some Orbitz to chew on.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

The strangest things pop out of your mouth when you're not thinking. Maybe you should brush your teeth to avoid such large tartar particles.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

It's time to go your own way. Secretly, you know what's really important to you, but you're also very aware of what 'other people' think about your pension for egging the doors of nursing home residents.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Here you thought you'd already paid that person back, but now they're popping into your life again. Be honest with yourself and them. Who would’ve thought getting tied up with the mob would be such a bad idea?

Stooks Proverb: Things aren’t always what they seem, especially if you’re on the same stuff as Paula Abdul.

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Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Why not give yourself the gift of care and attention? Once you do, you'll see why no one else wants to.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Happiness is a state of mind. It's not dictated by outward circumstances or an outward belly button.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Everyone always expects you to stick with the tried-and-true, but you have more tricks up your sleeve than they realize. Isn’t it great having smelly armpits?

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Free your mind of its limits and constraints. You'll be delighted by the concepts that come up. When you're talking about them with other people, use friendly similes -- you'll find they'll grasp the essentials quicker better than when you use your “something smells” face.

Stooks Proverb: What you don’t know, can’t hurt you. That’s why you should continue to keep your tail a secret.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 6:19 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Slow and steady does the trick. In fact, it gets you to the top of the mountain. Whew! Yet after all that effort, you're not even winded. Barry Bonds sure hooked you up. Unfortunately, he didn’t give you the ability to explain away the now-watermelon-like object sitting on your neck.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

An unusual idea about your home occurs to you. This will either revolutionize your life or make things much more confusing -- possibly both at the same time. That’s what happens when you install a hidden camera in your bathroom before you host a total sausage fest.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Ever been signed up for an annoying magazine subscription? Luckily, you can always cancel it. But you can’t always hunt down and punish the clown who tricked you into buying it at your front door.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Biting off more than you can chew is sure to give you a stomachache. That and more in Mike Tyson’s new book: The Art of Cannibalism.

Stooks Proverb: Two heads are better than one. Actually, two-headed people usually have a rough time of it. Don’t envy them.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:22 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

If anyone knows how to go the distance, it's you. People marvel at your stamina, and it's true -- right now you feel like you could go on forever. Just don’t forget the Fire Sauce. You tend to do that when inebriated.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

The little details have a way of piling up. One by one, they're not so bad, but when they clump up, they can throw a real monkey wrench into your plans. Maybe you should start flushing the toilet at least once every three trips.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Put your people skills to work. When it comes to talking to higher-ups, you know how to get the truth across in the most effective way: nude hand puppets.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Be your own personal entourage. Act as your own manager, agent and press person. If you get out there, you can truly make a difference. This will be especially convenient taking into account your complete lack of friends.

Stooks Proverb: Teachers open the doors, but you must enter them yourself. Unless the teacher is Paris Hilton. Then, you should enter with your friend Trojan.

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Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Sometimes, quitting while you're ahead is actually the best thing you can do to ensure your future progress. In other words, quit “Rock, Paper, Scissors” the second you’re up.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Working hard or hardly working? Actually, while others think you're having fun, you're actually working. Your brain functions better when your heart and soul are in the enviable state known as flow, unlike your friend Sarah’s notoriously unenviable state of flow.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Have you ever stood too close to a painting or a photograph? Here you thought you were looking at a drop of rain, but when you back up, you realize it's the entire ocean. Take that perspective on your life now. Warning: it’s a little tough to walk with your eyes in “Magic Eye” mode.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

There's nothing you love more than rooting for the underdog. You're even happier when you see a way to help them get to the top of the heap. Do you have that many kidney punches in you?

Stooks Proverb: Bad news travels fast, failing to explain the spread of the Anna Nicole Smith news.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 6:22 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

The how and why of your behavior is a constantly evolving mystery. It seems like the more you delve into your psyche, the more layers and secrets you find. That's all part of the fun, until you find the layer with your grandma’s inappropriate touching. Surely she knew how granny skin degrades Playdough.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Business is practically your middle name. Just be happy it isn’t Nouvel.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You need to have a balance between rules and freedom, structure and inspiration. The stars say to check in with yourself regularly to make sure you haven't had too much of one and not enough of the other in your life. The stars also recommend checking into the walk-in clinic for that rash.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Remember that if you start out by seeing only limitation, that's very likely what you'll receive. It's time to give yourself room to grow and expand. Ask Rosie where she buys her clothes.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t cross the bridge until you get to it. Don’t throw bodies off it until you get the “all clear” from your lookouts.

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Honesty is definitely the best policy in this situation. Expect some bewildered looks as you explain why you felt the need to run through Aggieville wearing only a liberal amount of brownie batter.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Your surface is bright and sparkly, but underneath there are some cigarette burns on your interior.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Sometimes staying stuck can feel safer than making a change, even when you know the change would be better for you. Just noticing that is a good start. Real movement often starts slowly. You’ll be a circus clown assistant before you know it.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

A once-in-a-lifetime connection is possible -- if you open up. That may be tough today, as you're feeling a little more vulnerable than usual. Go slowly and remember that there's a divine lesson in all of this: you can’t dig up Wilford Brimley’s grave until he’s dead.

Stooks Proverb: There’s more than one way to skin a cat. But if you want to make clothing out of it, consult J. Lo.

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Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Striking up a conversation is like playing music with someone: you have to allow yourself to get into the rhythm. Sure, there'll be some fits and starts, but hang in there. After a while, you two will find your groove. Although, onlookers might think you’re a bit off for gyrating during a conversation about Scrabble strategies.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You're interested in esoteric and intellectual matters, so it's time to seek out like-minded, stimulating company. New people bring you new realizations, especially when it comes to the larger questions in life, like “Why are pit stains frowned upon?”

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

A key conversation could go off the rails unless you exercise the right touch. One hint: it’s not a Tune-in Tokyo, also known as a Purple Nurple.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Every problem contains the seeds for its own solution. Clear your mental, emotional and psychic space and you'll see very soon how this situation can turn out for the best. Try meditation, yoga or attacking a Louie Anderson piñata. Or just attack Louie himself, as he is also filled with candy.

Stooks Proverb: Barking dogs seldom bite, but their white trash owners usually do. Luckily, they're not all that toothy.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:18 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

An odd duck just needs you to make way for them so they can feel at home. You're just the ambassador who can translate his or her strangeness for the people. Not everyone will know that this person fanning their armpits is a sign of endearment.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

If you're in the vicinity, a good time is pretty much guaranteed. You're so delightful -- is it any wonder that people just want to be where you are? You're especially good at getting shy types to join in on the fun. Remember: non-toxic glue won’t work.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Is someone hovering over your shoulder, questioning every statement you make and action you take? Is that someone actually yourself? They have medicine and psych clinics for that.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You've got a million people to talk to, and you're not sure which one to call first. Take a breath. Then, get a pen and paper and make a list of priorities, or a paper airplane.

Stooks Proverb: The journey is the reward. The syphilis is the side effect.

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Hmmm. Why do you keep running into you-know-who? Taking it nice and easy helps you see how a new person can fit into your life. Time to un-retire your Pog collection.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

The stars go out of their way to make sure the channels of communication are crystal clear. So go ahead and talk. It's easy to tell your nearest and dearest what's in your heart right now: KFC.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

It's time for more hugs, more kisses, more friendly, flirty conversation -- you've got so much fantastic social energy in your astrological sphere, it would be a crime to keep it at home. What are you waiting for? Oh, that’s right. The sores.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

The decision-making process got you a little down? Getting other people's opinions seems like it would be helpful, but the white noise might just confuse you. And your stench might affect their decision.

Stooks Proverb: True love never grows old. It just gets high plastic surgery bills.

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Leo (July 23 - August 22)

There's no need to ask where the party is -- the party is wherever you are. Unfortunately, no one ever attends.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

A few tasks have fallen by the wayside while you've been concentrating on more important matters: body hair sculpting.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Live life on the flip side. Have your fun during the day. During the night, your brainpower is at its sharpest and can tackle the toughest intellectual tasks, like your 200 piece Snuffleupagus puzzle.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You're like a well-oiled machine or a thoroughbred horse. You smell.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Put some against the side of your 7^th grade gym teacher’s house.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:13 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Your spirits need a boost. It's time to take yourself out. You can go solo or not, but it's important to get out there and have a fantastic time. Beware of yelling “weeeee!” while riding the Farris wheel alone.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Things can get heated on the work front. You know it's time for your star to shine, but someone else may not be in total accordance. Install a trip wire in their office.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Doing the right thing is a constant theme in your life. It's time to let your personal star shine brightly, and take out anyone who stands in your way, even if it’s Paul Reiser.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Your audience just loves it when you keep them guessing. Heck, you're starting to get pretty fond of it yourself. When you have no expectations, oftentimes you end up surprising yourself with the results. But do you really need to use monkey feces for your abstract art?

Stooks Proverb: To err is human. To suck blood out of people’s necks is vampire.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:07 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Like the song goes, you can't always get what you want. But if you really examine your reasons for wanting it, you'll end up pretty grateful that you didn't get it in the first place. It’s unlikely that a $500 Super Mario outfit will land you a new lover.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Take a step back. Getting some breathing room will help if things have been too intense lately. It's time to transform negativity into something with a higher and more creative purpose: starting the “Justin Guarini Shivers Me Timbers” fan club.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

A few old resentments are lingering in your life. It's time to deal with them before they make a point of dealing with you. Keep in mind that these feelings might go deeper than you initially realized, but keep at it. Someday you’ll get over the tragic “Port-A-Potty Tip of 2001.”

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

A momentary feeling may run deeper than you suspected. It's important not to overreact. Everyone dreams of Hasselhoff’s chest sometime. Yours just had more sweat beads than the usual.

Stooks Proverb: All road’s lead to Rome, unless Brandy’s driving.

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Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Be very clear about what you both expect if you're about to lend a friend something you value. In fact, maybe you should just go ahead and give them that tampon outright.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

It takes a lot of courage and heart to work through an issue, especially when the roots of it go stubbornly deep. Keep at it, however. Afterward, you'll see that your character is stronger than it ever was. Your bladder control remains weak, though. You’ve got the stain to prove it.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

It's time to focus on the here and now -- this is where the rewards are. 'If only' are two of the most energy-sapping words in any language. If only you weren’t too dumb to realize it.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Focus on love and beauty in your personal relationships. Focusing on it in the mirror will simply take too much time, unless Fox brings “The Swan” back.

Stooks Proverb: All’s well that ends well, unless it starts with Kevin Federline, expired condoms and a tub of Crisco.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:11 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

You have an uncanny ability to see trouble coming from afar. But, frankly, Louie Anderson’s ass is large enough that anyone should be able to see it coming, and move out of the way in time.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

You're in a mood, and it's imperative that you get some alone time. Someone's about to propose a great idea, and you need to be at your most receptive. Where’s that leftover Schlitz from the weekend?

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Can you feel the love? You and that certain someone are in a sweet spot right now when it comes to how you relate: Connect Four.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

The more you try to hide from a tough situation, the more difficult it will get. Come up with a plan for how to deal with this, and then walk directly up to your fear. Just be sure no one’s around when you’re wrestling with the life-size standup of Mr. Clean at Walmart.

Stooks Proverb: There’ll plenty of time to sleep when you’re dead. So put away the Nyquil and get out the razor blades.

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Binding agreements and long-term situations are looking pretty good to you right about now. And Catharine Zeta-Jones only sweetens the deal.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Hoping for the best is always a great outlook, but it doesn't hurt to have a back-up plan just in case. Save that refrigerator box.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Socially, you're all about putting everyone else at ease. Now the stars say it's time to put yourself at ease with your own body. Delicious and healthy meals, exercise, lots of sleep, a new razor for that thick forest on your back: Make them part of your lifestyle.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Uncharacteristically, you dig in your heels. This conflict could actually have a higher purpose, as God also buys his heels at PayLess.

Stooks Proverb: If you play with fire, you get burned. See Britney Spears crotch for proof.

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Leo (July 23 - August 22)

This association is improbable, firstly because you-know-who is the last person you ever pictured yourself associating with, and secondly because of how utterly delightful and necessary they've become. If Carrot Top can change, everybody can change! (Insert Russian translation here)

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

It's time to splurge. That doesn't mean putting your credit card through the wringer or playing hooky on all your duties. Why not indulge in the ultimate luxury: attacking a piñata fashioned after Kathy Griffin.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Someone's friendship has made things much brighter and happier for you, especially during a recent rough patch. Even better news: you’ll be featured on Fox’s “When Brazilian waxes go bad.”

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Your physical self is full of useful information, and right now it's telling you something extremely important. You have swamp ass.

Stooks Proverb: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush are worth three in Britney’s crotch.

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Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

It's tempting to make promises, but can you fulfill them all? If not, it's better to be honest right off the bat. You'll feel adult and responsible for knowing your limits, and others will respect your truthfulness, ever though you can’t really put your legs behind your head while eating a banana.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Spur-of-the-moment decisions can have big effects on your emotional health. Believe it or not, there's always some space to think before you decide, unless Louie Anderson and Mark Mangino are in the same room. Then there’s no space for anything.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Sometimes the universe clears the path for you, but other times, you need to take the action and the realizations will follow afterward. Can you take the initiative now when it comes to your inner development? Start with cutting your three-can-a-day refried bean habit out of your diet.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You've got enough energy to power a city, so now the question is, what are you going to do with it all? If you say “Save the Cheerleader,” the stars will smack you.

Stooks Proverb: What you don’t know can’t hurt you. That must make Kevin Federline invincible.

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Someone insists on barging into your private time. That’s why you should always do that under the covers. Can’t you crochet in peace?

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Sometimes you just have to throw all your eggs into the skillet in order to make a big, beautiful omelet. Just make sure to have the Scrubbing Bubbles on standby to fix the impending damage to the porcelain in your bathroom.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Warrior energy infuses your soul. When it comes to the rules of social engagement, you'll let someone know when he or she is out of line. Whew! They sure won't be messing with you again, and rightly so. You’ve got a mean left hook. Where’d you get that installed at?

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Enough with dwelling -- it's time to start living. So like James Brown once said, get up offa that thing. And as James Brown once said, “do as I say, not as I do.” Otherwise, you’ll be dead and have your carcass paraded around the country.

Stooks Proverb: Love makes the world go round. Sausages made Mangino go round.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:22 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You can really benefit from listening to the wisdom in your dreams. Continue ignoring the hermaphrodites in your dreams.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Don't fret if things feel off-kilter in your personal situation now. You can't always be on an even keel, especially with your Rolaids habit.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

The stars encourage you to shake off the past. They discourage you from shaking violently in crowds.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Usually you're in the driver's seat because you know where you want to go and how you want to get there. Let someone else take the wheel. That way, when your grandma follows you to the porn shop, you can blame them.

Stooks Proverb: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? To tip over.

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Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

It's tempting to say that you're right and everyone else is wrong, but is that truly the case? Yes. And it’s time to do some convincing with the help of a knife, hypothetical O.J.-style.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

The same old thing simply doesn't get you going. Grandma really needs to work on her motivational skills, and clean her teeth while she’s at it.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

People know that your insights and intelligence are the genuine article. Your chest? Not so much.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Taking a big step forward in your career can be scary as well as exhilarating. You're not quite sure you're ready. But who is? Take a few deep breaths, put on your homeless guy gloves and hit the streets.

Stooks Proverb: Lucky at cards, unlucky in love, but good at smoking cigars and wearing questionable visors.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:03 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Upheaval may feel unsettling, but it also supplies many opportunities that may not come again. Not everyone has as many opportunities to hurl on their supervisor as you do.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Don't be too quick to dismiss what's just happened in your life. After all, you can't fully appreciate where you are until you've realized just where you've come from: the Burger King dumpster.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Dare to dream, especially when it comes to your future. Pay attention to the here and now to see what could be: an oddly shaped-and-textured stain on your best friend’s loveseat.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Imitating someone else isn't going to get you where you want to go. Appreciate their methods and admire their style, but your persona has special attributes that need to be developed. What makes you special? That’s right, it’s your one front tooth, perfect for opening cans of tomato juice.

Stooks Proverb: You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. That’s why Britney needs to teach her Chihuahua to not bite crotches while it’s young, especially with what she has flopping around down there.

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Leo

You're intensely fascinating, and the world around you is waking up to that fact. Few signs are as well equipped to deal with adulation as you are. “Yield” has you beat.

Sagittarius

Pursue your goals with fierce determination. Distractions have no place in your life at this moment; all you can think about is the desired outcome: to stop smelling like Goodcents.

Taurus

Work is definitely an important part of your life -- but it should enhance your life, not consume it, unless you’re a lady and/or man of the street.

Virgo

Getting more deeply involved with someone brings up all kinds of feelings, so recognize the wide spectrum that your emotions cover. Begrimaced is not an emotion.

Stooks Proverb: The exception proves the rule. What rule? William H. Macy beats Felicity Huffman beats Paul Reubens beats William H. Macy in the game of Macy-Huffman-Reubens.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 6:35 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Aquarius

Style-wise, you've got it going on. Whether it's words, clothes, food or organization, somehow you manage to put everything together in a way that totally works and is totally you. You're a trendsetter…for carpet baggers.

Cancer

Old resentments can go deep, and with good reason -- this person really delivered quite a blow. Forgive them. They didn’t know their breath was strong enough to force your 90 percent completed Emilio Estevez puzzle off the table.

Scorpio

You feel like your romantic prospects could do with some revitalization. The current astro energies think so too. They also think your landlord has a hidden camera in your shower head.

Aries

It's easy to get caught in the chatter of your ego. Find a way to shut off your thinking mind. With a little help, you can access inward resources that are just as valuable. Try yoga or Connect Four.

Stooks Proverb: Better safe than sorry. If only they made a 48 hour Cialis.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 8:58 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Capricorn

Thanks to your leadership, old issues are illuminated and people are motivated to take positive action. Your abilities bring attention to a neglected area that's been swept under the rug for too long: cleaning behind your ears.

Gemini

Finding the sweet spot between focus and energy is an art, and you can do it! It helps if you get used to some ping-ponging between the two concepts. Just hope one of the concepts isn’t Chinese, otherwise you’ll get schooled.

Libra

Flirting is essential. You can make eyes at your sweet patootie. Aren’t you glad you bought that life-sized cardboard Patrick Swayze standup?

Pisces

One part of your life is totally on track, but another feels just a touch out of balance. That’s what happens when you lead a double life as a transgendered soap star.

Stooks Proverb: Look before you leap. If you’ve got Britney Spears’ drinking habits, you might want to hold off on the leaping part altogether.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 6:51 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Leo

True friendships are a gift, and right now your social life is simply an embarrassment of riches. Make sure you honor them in the ways they deserve: the sombrero birthday treatment at El Tapatio. Just make sure you have some Licex on standby.

Sagittarius

A little indulgence is just the affirmation you need. It doesn't have to be over-the-top, either. Order what you want at a restaurant without looking at the price. Isn’t Long John Silver’s great?

Taurus

Getting straight to the point has its place, but sometimes it makes circumstances a bit more dramatic than they have to be. There's a special kind of beauty to more receptive energy. Learn to apply it appropriately: directly to the forehead.

Virgo

Strike a balance between paying attention to the facts and listening to your instincts in this matter. Although you feel strongly about this person, you have to look at their actions before you make up your mind. Find out for sure if Screech used a peen double, then you can make your decision.

Stooks Proverb: Faith moves mountains, but not Mangino.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:33 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Aquarius

A telephone isn't just another way to have a conversation when you're doing the talking. It can also be an amazing instrument for change. It can strangle, bash skulls and make music at the same time!

Cancer

Go and get a little frisky. Some regularly scheduled mayhem will help you remember that it's good to be alive. Just make sure you buy the electric pump for your new lover.

Scorpio

Are you looking to someone else to solve a problem that really resides within you? It's fine to ask them for things that are within reason, but it's not so fine to ask them to inspect your hemorrhoids.

Aries

Mentally checking out the situation seems like a dandy idea. But don’t give anyone the opportunity to start calling you a dandy again.

Stooks Proverb: There’s honor among thieves, but not panty bandits.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:24 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Capricorn

Saying something naughty can have such a nice effect. What's the harm in a little mischievous flirtation? The object of your attention will be visibly flattered, you'll feel an extra pep in your step, and your boss will have to rent a steam cleaner for the carpet in his office.

Gemini

Coming up with new ways for people to get to know each other is right up your alley. You're appointed unofficial activities director when two groups of people meet and mingle. However, you might want to reconsider your drinking game based on the obscure TV show Forever Knight.

Libra

The usual won't do, and with good reason. Horse entrails are something you should eat away from the public eye.

Pisces

Too much attention on a murky area could clear things up -- or it could make the issues under discussion shrink further into the darkness. It's your call. Trust your judgment; you'll do what's best. Just make sure you have a clear escape route after you throw eggs at Mr. Peanut, that cocky S.O.B.

Stooks Proverb: One man’s meat is another man’s poison. Just ask Clay Aiken.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 6:49 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Leo

Someone enters your life who might be part of it forever. A new friend, lover or mentor -- the stars say that it could be any one of those three. Or Hugh Downs.

Sagittarius

An upbeat energy fills your life, and just in time too. You're game for just about anything: hot-air balloon rides, jungle safaris, peeping tom sessions, you name it.

Taurus

It's important to pay attention to your feelings, but make sure you're not rushing into a situation that could be easily sidestepped. Whenever Mangino charges, just move to the left, there’s no stopping that momentum.

Virgo

Yes, it's true: You have a zillion important things to take care of. No matter how jammed your schedule, find time for a break. The best time might be somewhere between your Pilates session and your weekly delousing.

Stooks Proverb: Blood is thicker than water, but hard to boil pasta in, so you’ll just have to take your chances.

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Aquarius

Some life-long beliefs may come under fire. Others may not understand why you hold onto some ideals as fiercely as you do. You don't have to explain yourself, but you may have to deal with criticism. After all, mercy killings of every squirrel you see can be a bit much at times.

Cancer

You can make the world a kinder, more compassionate place. Look for ways to improve your community. Step one: stop flashing strangers in Aggieville.

Scorpio

Give yourself a head start by looking into the deeper aspects of your current dilemma before you take the next big step: rat poison.

Aries

The other party is telling you that this is a limited time offer, but you're not so sure you want to act now. That's fine. Keep your options open. Taking your time is well within your rights. Seek wise counsel: the guy in the polyester vest drinking Boone’s behind Rusty’s.

Stooks Proverb: You can have too much of a good thing. Just ask Kirstie Alley about tapioca pudding.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:10 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Capricorn

Tough emotional times can definitely be draining, but cheer up, because this has only made you stronger. Loved ones lend their support to you wholeheartedly. Now you know that you can handle just about anything, even both Kathy’s Griffin and Lee Gifford.

Gemini

Everyone's feelings are a touch more sensitive than usual right now, so tread carefully. Speaking without thinking could backfire in some surprising ways. Besides, your argument about Melrose place is a little flawed.

Libra

You genuinely enjoy people, and the more different they are from each other, the better. You get the best out of every situation. You're getting a reputation as quite the scenester, and you're loving every moment of it! Much better than when you were getting a reputation as a sewer scavenger.

Pisces

Of course you want someone to be able to meet all of your emotional needs, but is that realistic or even desirable? Absolutely not! Be wiser about your emotional needs, and turn to other resources, like Highlights magazine.

Stooks Proverb: Stupid is as stupid does. Or if your Paris Hilton, stupid just does…everyone.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:26 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Put your determination on display. Yeah, just keep sitting there with your Pringles can on the Polydent-stained coach you got from your grandpa.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Let the rational reenter your life as you restore organization to some parts that have gone topsy-turvy. A little chaos every now and then is necessary, but now it's time to clean everything up. Don’t ask O.J. for advice on that. “If I cleaned up after slaughtering” wasn’t picked up, either.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You're in the mood to live large. Consult Mark Mangino for tips.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

It's easy to judge someone based on something that's actually just a small part of the overall picture. But should you really base your opinions of people on your ability to solve the Magic Eye puzzles at their house?

Stooks Proverb: Laughter is the best medicine, excluding diseases native to Britney’s crotch.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 6:46 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Now that you've pinpointed what you really want to do, you'll be surprised at the influential person who steps forward to help you on your chosen path: a mummified Don Knotts.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

You need to shed whatever's not working, mainly, your Diddy-line Raccoon Dog fur jacket.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Acting with integrity ensures that the future of this situation will be as smooth as possible. The stars suggest you play it straight, so maybe you should lose the two-sizes-two-small Power Puff Girls Summer Short pajamas you’ve been strutting your stuff in.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Cooperation could turn to competition if the players' aggressive impulses go unchecked. This may not be unwelcome, however, since passions will be aroused in all kinds of areas, especially your medulla oblongata.

Stooks Proverb: He who has no children, brings them up well. Or, at least better than Michael Jackson.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:02 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

You believe two heads are better than one, and the stars give you a chance to prove it. Well, YouTube has the Siamese twins video, too. You might try that first.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

A difference of opinion could turn into something fiery. Wear a condom. No glove, no love.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Self-sacrifice is absolutely necessary at certain times, but this isn't one of them. Why must you mutilate yourself at your aunt’s Christmas party.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

The stars give you this opportunity to hone in on the top tasks in your life. It's time to make a clean sweep of less successful efforts from the past. Make sure to back everything up and keep all your helpers in the loop. Keep O.J. on standby. The guy, not the fruit juice.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t suffer the fate of the boy who cried “wolf.” I mean crying “wolf,” in front of your friends? Pretty lame.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:32 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

An unorthodox job opportunity could open up your possibilities for creative freedom. But remember, people just don’t tip as well for fecal art as they used to.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Relationships improve when you apply a good attitude to them. If you do, you'll be able to make smart decisions and stay firmly rooted in the here and now. Who knew that by giving yourself the present, you'd give yourself a future as well? Too bad you’ll never be able to tell anyone about your past. That poor street sweeper.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

The more you're able to clear your to-do list, the better you feel. Focus on reducing rather than increasing, and you'll see how easy it is to simplify your life. This sense of relief is easily attained: Head On. Apply directly to the forehead.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You love helping people out, but the stars say it's time to take a step back to live your own life. Your sock puppets will be fine.

Stooks Proverb: The family that prays together, stays together, especially if they pray in a vat full of Super Glue.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:09 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Take off in a brand-new direction. It's time to show off your skills -- including a few that people didn't know you had. Just be sure no small children are around when you do it. That trick is illegal in most states and Puerto Rico. Just ask Screech.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Choose to radiate serenity, even if everyone around you decides to cop an attitude. It'll take practice at first, but all this effort will pay off. You'll soar past old obstacles toward new successes, mainly, schizophrenia.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Who knew you could run into romance while taking care of errands? Be sure you don't get so caught up in the hustle and bustle that you miss the smile a cute stranger is sending your way. What is it about transsexuals, anyway?

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Take a long look at your finances and career before you join in with someone else's plans. Is this really what you want? Is it even possible right now? These are all crucial questions to ask before you make a move. It may be time to face the possibility that you just can’t hang when it comes to Connect Four.

Stooks Proverb: Ninety percent of inspiration is perspiration. So, when people tell you you smell, just pretend they said “you’re so inspired.”

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:19 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Feel like someone's put a second helping of anxiety on your plate and you didn't even ask for the first? Maybe it’s time you speak up and say “can’t someone get some G D mashed potatoes up in here.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Lately the tried-and-true just hasn't been doing it for you -- you definitely crave novelty more than most. Are you ready to try something new? No, not hoola-hooping. You’re still not ready for that level of cognition.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Did you take a detour and end up stranded? Never fear, because this time is almost over. The path may not be straight at first, but you'll get used to it. Mel Gibson puked on it the first couple times, but he had a handicap.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You've been eyeing an objective for a long time, especially since you know it's well within your reach. Who put the Twinkees on top of the refrigerator in the first place?

Stooks Proverb: There’s a black sheep in every flock. And Kramer is thinking about sticking it upside down with a fork in its buttocks.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 6:11 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

It's time to pack up your troubles and get happy. Your luck has just taken a spectacular turn for the better. Now you can gleefully put away any lingering problems that have been on your mind for far too long. Go ahead, try on your grandma’s underwear. No one’s looking.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Renewed energy arrives in the nick of time. Diego always comes through for you in a pinch.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Your stable nature also has some wackiness. You're a multifaceted, fascinating person. Someone out there sees this softer side of you and likes what they see: a basket-weaving fool.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You have great expectations and, what's more, the abilities to make them become a reality. Some friends have their own issues and aren't thrilled about this. Maybe if you could resist the urge to lure small children into your cardboard theater for sock puppets, they’d see things differently.

Stooks Proverb: Your tongue can paint what the eye can’t see. Maybe Britney will hire you.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:06 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

All the stars are on your side, so ride out these recent upheavals. They may not look pretty on the surface, but if you wait, you'll see how they actually end up being beneficial. You could open up a diner with that much face grease.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

The universe thinks you're on the right track, and it's sending you little encouragements to keep your spirits up. You're frustrated because you want a bigger sign. Try taping several pieces of poster board together.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

The more you can detach yourself from a conflict, the better you're able to state your case. Try bathing in tomato sauce before you talk to the sewer people.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

If actual travel's not possible, explore places you don't know in a mental or spiritual way. Roam if you want to! That’s the way Catherine Zeta Jones would’ve wanted it…if she were dead.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t fear a crooked shadow, unless it has a chainsaw.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 6:57 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

If you're seeking drama, you're sure to find it. Wouldn't it be easier to figure out what you need and ask for it? Your instinct may be to go into this with both barrels blazing, but will that garner real results? If you could only find out how O.J. would do it.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Doubts can be so persistent, unfortunately. Whatever you do, don't close your eyes and ears to preserve your fantasy of how everything should work out. Remember your trip to the emergency room the last time you tried to close your ears? A staple gun just isn’t the way to go.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Some deep work is required to clear out an emotional wound, but your inner diplomat is at war with your inner psychologist, and your inner Danny Bonaduce isn’t helping the situation.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Just remind yourself to stay focused in the right direction through these changes. Lately it seems as if up is down, black is white, and Rosie O’Donnell is Al Roker.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t judge a horse by its saddle. Judge it by its dental hygiene.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:08 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

The situation seems pretty cut-and-dried to you, so you can't understand why someone else is all tied up with ambiguities and alternatives. Maybe it’s time to get them tied up with rope and duct tape and thrown in the closet, instead.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You're positively a genius when it comes to allocating resources. Unfortunately, you’re positively a moron when it comes to eating spaghetti. Embarrassing.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

If you have more than two choices, you're often thrown for a loop. In fact, more than one choice is a little too much for you today! See if you can find a grownup to help you make a choice from the vending machine.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Those closest to you have really come to depend on your discerning viewpoint. When you’re done with them, they’ll kick themselves for not realizing on their own just how much better Bob Saget is than Dave Coulier.

Stooks Proverb: If you want something well done, do it yourself, especially if you’re a cannibal.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 6:51 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Whether you're dealing with emotional or fiscal debts, it's important to balance the books before too long, or you could experience a real psychic, and monetary, drain. Deal with the situation honestly. Or at least lie with your fingers crossed behind your back.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Maximize the possibilities by taking care of details in the here and now. Once you start taking these steps, then you can shift your focus to bending time and worrying about things in the past. Or you could choose to just saw the top of the Cheerleader’s head off and steal her brain and powers.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You're in a playful, experimental mood. One moment you want chocolate ice cream, the next, butter rum pecan. But, beware: if you keep this up, taste bud overload is imminent.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You're bubbly as a can of soda pop, so make sure you get out there and share your sparkling energy with everyone. Just don’t vomit on the curtains this time.

Stooks Proverb: Search knowledge though it be in China. Or you could just ask Rosie O’Donnell. The likely answer? “Ching chong, ching ching chong, Danny DeVito.” Don’t catch her on an empty stomach.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:04 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

A substantial benefit comes your way on the job, thanks to all your hard work. No one else can shake the Cheetos out of the vending machine with such grace. Except Power Hits 97.5 newsman Dewey Terrill.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Some people in your life have decided that you're the go-to person for all their needs. That’s what you get for wearing the Wal-Mart “How may I help you?” vest around town.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

You have a great need to be of service to others, but you can't do so at the expense of all your resources. Save some of your permanent markers for later huffing. You’ll thank the stars when you satisfy that urge.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You've been feeling vulnerable and in need of protection from things that you perceive as dangerous. There’s a new invention called a condom.

Stooks Proverb: Beauty is only skin deep, so is Nicole Richie, but Paris Hilton is more in line with aluminum-baseball-bat deep.

Labels: stooksoscope

Posted by Matt Stooks at 8:45 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Take this recent lesson to heart. You know you deserve to be center stage, but all the time? Not only is that impossible, but it's not even desirable. Take the time to think it out, and you'll see how very true this is. Your infant juggling career may come under fire if it becomes too popular.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Someone needs your help, but he or she is too proud and fragile to actually come out and ask for it. Be a humanitarian and do a little behind-the-scenes work on their behalf. Make sure to keep your identity a secret. Use a fun code name, like Kinkyracoon118.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Your career and social success are strongly tied to how well you deal with others. Unfortunately, your second personality is holding you back. You really need to tell Saul to stop unziplocking other people’s snacks, causing them to slowly spoil throughout the day.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Finances have you more stressed out than usual. There's a simple solution for a lot of your worries: Try spending less than you make, or spending someone else’s money altogether. Note: Louie Anderson is no longer a viable target for cash.

Stooks Proverb: The early bird gets the worm. But, your Aunt Mildred has that beat, because she has worms, plural.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:14 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Dare to dream! The current celestial energies say it's time to go for it in a major way. Ask for that raise or pursue that cutie with all the zeal and fervor you can. Actually, make sure you monitor your zeal level. Last time, your zeal over Lou Diamond Phillips beating up his girlfriend was a little creepy.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Now that you've set some limits, it's time to practice meeting your own requirements. Not only will this make you happier overall, but you'll actually be prepared to give more. And it will come from a genuinely generous place: your neighbor’s China cabinet.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Making everything a case of black or white cuts out a lot of creative potential in your life. There's no reason everything has to be so extreme when it comes right down to it. Kramer.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

The only limit is your imagination, so dream as big as you can. Put aside any and all self-criticism and let your mind roam. The one word that's completely not allowed right now? Punctilious.

Stooks Proverb: He that fights and runs away lives to fight another day. He that fights and just sits there getting a beatdown usually hurts the next day.

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

You know your actions were justified, but someone else may not see it that way. Acknowledge that you might have overstepped your bounds. But in the end, replacing someone’s subpar Bread and Butter pickles with the more acceptable Dill variety is just the right thing to do.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

While it may be difficult at first, speaking honestly to one another and putting aside any impulse to wound or hurt is the only thing that can help heal this rift. If the conversation goes south, go ahead and go back to wound-inflicting mode. Start with a Charlie Horse and work your way up.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

It's easy to get lost in an emotional haze so confusing that even making it to appointments on time can be a challenge. Maybe it’s time to switch to non-toxic crayons.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

A series of highs and lows could give you emotional whiplash. Rather than ignoring them, listen to what they're saying. A deep inner truth is ready to emerge: time to get the Patrick Swayze posters out of storage.

Stooks Proverb: Finders keepers, losers weepers, Angela Lansbury delivers the creepers.

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Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Right now you're an expert in body language and hidden emotions…Much better than last week, when you were an expert in body fluid stain removal.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Ignoring a communication stalemate won't make it go away, though that course of action might be your first instinct. A deeper issue is lingering and upsetting you both. It's time to express what's been left unsaid: “Go, go, Power Rangers.”

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Let's face it -- surprise gifts in the mail are nice, but they usually turn out to be the wrong size or the wrong color. Follow Madonna’s lead, and go directly to the orphanage to pick one out for yourself.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Hindsight isn't always 20-20. Sometimes it’s Dateline NBC, especially with all your questionable activity on MySpace.

Stooks Proverb: Spare the rod and spoil the child. In other words, beat the hell out of every kid you see.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 6:18 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Some timid types may be in charge of making big decisions right now, so bring out that offbeat, quirky charm of yours. That, combined with the cool logic of your choices, will have them on your side in no time. If that doesn’t work, try threatening them with a cheese grater.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Could you choose a new way to deal with a situation you've seen in your life before? This time, try using Valtrex instead of sand paper.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Clear communication is one of your desired goals, but so much is going on that it's easy to forget what the main message should be: Louie Anderson should still be hosting Family Feud.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Watch out -- foot-in-mouth disease is catching. Safeguard yourself: clean out those toe crevices quickly.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t give advice in a crowd. Especially if you’re O.J. and the crowd has a weak stomach.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:17 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Even if you're at a loss, look inward for the guidance you need to get you through this current issue. Damn, Highlights Magazine is challenging reading.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Some information you're missing is vital to your next enterprise, so don't jump into a situation before you have the 411. Then, dial 10-10-220. I think those guys are getting lonesome.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

You figure out the missing ingredient you need to bring a long-term goal home to rest at last. Make sure you write it down! That’s a-r-s-e-n-i-c, arsenic!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Your instincts are saying one thing, but your insecurities are making you doubt what you're hearing. Heed what your heart and gut tell you. Actually, don’t listen to your gut, you just ate Taco Bell Bean Burrito.

Stooks Proverb: He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by O.J. is sick of hearing hypotheticals over the fence.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:20 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Classic business advice says to cut out the middleman, and this applies to all areas of your life right now. You'll save time, money and stress when you tackle certain tasks yourself. Except for polar bear Slip ‘N’ Sliding, your best off being a spectator for that.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Challenging authority may make you feel powerful, but you could end up in a heated argument over issues that you ultimately see as trivial. But someone needs to take a moral stand on quality tartar sauce.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

If you have a problem, speak up. When you can identify areas in your life that aren't working, you'll be on the right track. You might also want a mental health professional close by.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Your abilities are almost superhuman. The only problem is that some parasitic types think that means they can lean on you to clean up their messes. Show them the way, but don't perform their tasks for them. Just because you know the best way to get cat urine off an afghan doesn’t mean you should be doing it for them.

Stooks Proverb: Man grows most tired while standing still. Kate Moss grows most tired when she gets all the coke out of her system.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:21 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Impulse control could become a challenge for you right now, especially when someone appeals to your maverick side. Let’s just hope no one comes along who appeals to your O.J. Simpson side.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

When it comes right down to it, you don't have the time to waste on petty issues anymore. Reaching your limit can be the greatest gift of all. Then, you can get 400 percent interest on a title loan to pay it off.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Take concrete steps to move past this obstacle and you'll see tangible results. If you keep your ties to the mob, you might end up with concrete on your feet, so you’re heading in the right direction.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Something's been on your mind. Go ahead and put it out there. The time is ripe for fresh starts and initiatives. The bolder the better, say the stars. And when everyone hears about your plans for Connie Chung, they’ll have no choice but to carry you on their shoulders in victory.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t kill the goose that lays the golden eggs. Do kill the goose that lays a curled up deuce on the floor.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:11 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

You have poetry in your soul, and it's time express it. You might want to keep your Kramer tribute poems to yourself.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Your crackling energy takes a turn for the mellow and sweet early on in the day. Enjoy it to the fullest. Later on, you find an unexpected reservoir of hatred for Mr. Belvedere.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

It's up to you to take the first step when it comes to fixing a breach between friends or relations. The stars give you the gift of perspective. They also give you the gift of gas. Roll down a window.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Deep emotions come your way. The trouble is, you're so intuitive that you could find yourself drowning in them unless you take care. Never fear! You’ve got a snorkel.

Stooks Proverb: All is fair in love and war, except using Mark Mangino as a human shield.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:27 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

The stars give you a dose of some sweet, slow energy. Your roar turns into a muted purr. Kind of like a feline Helen Keller.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

The people you respect may not understand your plans, but that doesn't mean you should abandon them. They’re just jealous of your mad Hungry Hungry Hippo skills.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Laughter and chaos: It seems like you're torn between one and the other. That’s what happens when you watch Full House while huffing Pine Sol.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Be willing to travel beyond reality as you know it. Staying open-minded is key. This may require throwing the balance of some of your personal relationships out of whack. Not to worry -- the situation is only temporary. Your UPS man will forgive you as the smell fades.

Stooks Proverb: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Because you want to open a cow-tipping business. Duh.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:10 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

You're over it, but then why are you reliving it in your head -- so much so that you're not even aware of it? The key is to see yourself as you are: a person who has learned the lesson and is truly beyond the situation, rather than seeing yourself as that guy who passed out in urinal five at Rusty’s while still holding onto your Long Island Iced Tea.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Something that seems settled suddenly changes direction, but there's no need to worry. This is just a small detour before everything gets back on track. Nothing beats a good colon cleanse.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Get ready, because the universe is sending you exactly the information you need, but in a most unusual way. Who would’ve thought the universe used Braille?

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Explore an age-old question with some methods that are unusual for you. When this practice turns out to have exceptional results, you'll want to share it with every person you know. Don’t be saddened by their blank stares when you explain how a Pez dispenser works.

Stooks Proverb: A kind word can even attract a snake from his nest. Maybe Samuel L. Jackson should’ve tried that instead of profanities.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:29 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

A need to make a fast choice inspires a brilliant decision. You're so grateful for everything you've received. What's more, that gratitude paves the way for even more good fortune to come your way. Isn’t Welfare great?

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Good fortune is ready to smile on you. Are you ready to receive it? What a silly question -- of course you are! Just to be on the safe side, though, get rid of any blocks and inhibitions that could be in your path. Hey, you knew what you were getting into when you decided on a “murder for book profits” career.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Your motto is 'don't fence me in.' Unfortunately, the rare strain of Hilton Herpe 118 has you under quarantine.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Reserve the right to change your mind, or you might find that a few casual words become a prison. Who would’ve thought the phrase “Cover me in horse feces now, I dare you!” would have such dire consequences.

Stooks Proverb: Give him an inch and he’ll take a yard. Just be glad he didn’t take a meter, because then you’ll be dealing with converting to the metric system, and that’s simply too much for anyone to deal with.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 6:57 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You've been working tremendously hard. Now's the time to take your vitamins, eat right and get plenty of rest – you’ve got Mangino to hunt. Just listen for the wobbling footsteps.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

It's time to go where you want to go and do what you want to do. The stars lift the last remaining restrictions, which means you're free to roam wherever your heart desires. Just see if you can avoid an attack on the “Can I help you?” vest woman in the housewares section.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You take someone's comment to heart, even if it's totally casual or not even meant for you. Nevertheless, something they say strikes a chord when you least expect it. Now you're examining your motives. Maybe you just aren’t a big enough fan to have a Bob Saget poster in your bathroom. He’s got naughty eyes, too, so it might be best for everyone.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You can be very much in control of the process, even as you sit back and let events unfold. Let your intentions be your guide. You know what you want the end result to be, even if you're not sure how to get there. Now if you can just find a shirtless Patrick Swayze to cradle you with his thighs while he guides your hands with his…oh wait, I think I saw a commercial for a Swayze rental service, just $9.99 for the first hour.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t remove a fly from your friend’s forehead with a hatchet. You wouldn’t want to bloody up your favorite hatchet, would you?

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

You bring out the best in others. Your ability to get people closer to their goals helps you progress in leaps and bounds on your own as well. Expect a financial windfall to land in your lap just when you need it. Brace yourself. A bucket full of quarters hurts when it’s dumped on your crotch.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

You're on a search-and-destroy mission -- you want to stamp out anything boring, stuffy and tedious. You’ll have to look closely for Joan Rivers. She’s hiding.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You'd rather be the power behind the throne, but the stars say your very special brand of magnetism needs to be front and center. So get in the limelight. You’ll have a horde of beggars at your command in no time.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You need to consider all sides of the question before you can come to a decision. Try taking some time for yourself. Other people's opinions might be more distracting than useful. Figure out what you believe. If it’s that you’re Peter Pan, try again.

Stooks Proverb: There’s no place like home. Unless O.J.’s looking for new book material.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:47 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Under this influence, there's a definite 'when in Rome, do as the Romans do’ vibe going on with you. Just make sure you get a big enough ring so your Christian can survive the lion attack long enough for a good show.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Being gracious never hurt, and in this instance, it'll really help. Direct that sparkling charm toward someone who can get you to the next level: the Old Woman Greeter at Walmart is rumored to be quite the minx.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Why are you letting someone else set the rules? Now is the time to find a way around any perceived limitations. You’ll open new routes where only roadblocks existed previously. Soon, your recurring nightmare of being Gary Busey’s dental hygienist will come to an end.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You're in control, but you're not fully comfortable with the position just yet. If you're in doubt, call a team of experts and tell them the situation. You'll effortlessly attract just the people you need in your life: ones who know the proper way to wipe.

Stooks Proverb: Revenge is a dish best served cold. In fact, the best revenge is serving someone a cold bowl of oatmeal.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 8:47 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Trying to make everyone happy all at once is a balancing act -- and an impossible one at that. However, if you can balance Bob Saget’s soul on your nose, then everyone will be happy.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Loved ones are demanding more of you than usual -- or is it that you've been withholding more of yourself than you normally do? Come on, do your cross dressing act again this Thanksgiving. Oh, that’s not an act? My bad.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Some stabilizing celestial influences arrive, along with a heightened sense of diplomacy. When you sense that a plan's just not working, not only are you able to pinpoint why, but you can communicate it to the right person: Dennis Haskins, a.k.a., TV’s Richard Belding from Saved by the Bell.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Strengthening bonds requires that you first check to see where they're fraying. This may not be the easiest task, and it'll require a lot of tact and some maneuvering on your part. Finally, a chance for you to put your limbo skills to work.

Stooks Proverb: He who eats alone, chokes alone. That’s why Mangino has an entourage 24/7.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:27 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Focusing on your shortcomings takes the fun out of living and makes you notice others' shortcomings, too. The power of positive thinking is no joke -- the more you do it, the more powerful you'll feel, even though you have a giant growth under your left eye. Stop picking at it.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Distractions may be taking up all of your loved ones' time at this moment, and you're at a loss about how to help. Maybe you should plan a distraction of your own to distract them from their distractions. Louie Anderson in drag usually does the trick.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Stamina and a discerning eye: Those two qualities enable you to fix just about anything that needs adjusting right now. Buying just the right air freshener to cover up the dead rodent smell in your house is a tough dilemma.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Some items have been hanging around on your to-do list for too long. Tie up the loose ends, but make sure you go all the way. Granny knots won't suffice -- you need to seal these with a double knot, a bow and whatever adhesive is keeping Bob Barker together.

Stooks Proverb: Dig the well before you are thirsty. And if you’re thirsty and vengeful at the same time, you can throw your victim down the well after enjoying a nice, fresh glass of water.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:03 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Your leadership skills continue to shine early in the day, so handle the big picture. Later on, you discover that tying up loose ends and finishing the details hits the spot. Then, you can show off to everyone how good you are at tying shoes.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Who can resist you when you've got that certain sparkle in your eye? It’s usually a different group of people than the ones who can’t resist you when your eyes are bloodshot.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Step out and strut your stuff. The stars say you can't go wrong. However, the guy with the quart of Pennzoil in his hair is jealous of your moves. Take heed.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Sweeping the dirty bits under the rug will bite you in the behind when you least expect it. On second thought, you probably should anticipate disaster from your nude magic carpet ride.

Stooks Proverb: Life is just a bowl of cherries. Some fat guy eats them all before you even get one.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:19 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Prospects that you thought had evaporated reappear in your life when you least expect them to. Those sneaky ghosts.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

It's time to free yourself of stale situations that are more trouble than they're worth. Well, at least you now know the problems with making a bicycle out of Sourdough bread.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

When you want, you can be the most charismatic person in the room -- and you do it with such low-key but brilliant style that most people don't even know what hit them. You get tons of flattering attention today. Much better than the time you had pancake in your teeth.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You're not just going to take what someone tells you at face value, are you? You need to wait until you can see the evidence with your own eyes -- and even then, you might come to a completely different conclusion about Bea Arthur’s alleged hearing problem.

Stooks Proverb: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. A bird in the blender is worth drinking if you are dying of starvation and don’t have anything else to sustain you.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:07 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post   

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

This current energy makes you results-oriented and gives you fantastic taste. It’s times like these that make you question the limited availability of the McRib.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

A good cleaning from top to bottom and putting up some new shelves could help you feel safe and secure, which is exactly what you need right now. Keep the home fires burning by taking the time to update your nest. That hairdo of yours is so 2003.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Have you been spending too much time on something that is essentially a lost cause? Think about this matter very seriously. Is it making your life easier or harder? Could you put your energy to better use? It’s time to let Neil Patrick Harris go.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Let the nurturing side of your nature come out in an unusual -- and tougher -- way. Sometimes cookies and milk keeps the person who needs a pick-me-up in an infantile state. Especially when you put the date rape drug in there.

Stooks Proverb: You can’t run with the hare and hunt with the hounds, unless you’re a rabbit that wears some kind of clever hound costume.

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Posted by Matt Stooks at 7:30 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post