Matt Stooks

Aquarius

Genuine satisfaction is the result of profound self-knowledge, dim lighting and “C” batteries.

Cancer

You’re fine-tuning your living space. All these home improvements lead to some happy unexpected changes in other parts of your life too. Although, people at work know what you’re up to with that new hot tub, and your rumored rendezvous with Tia the office maid has them questioning the PH balance of the tub.

Scorpio

Transformation doesn’t necessarily have to be a difficult process. Be open to messages and signs from the universe about what you need to change. Or consult the marks in your underwear.

Aries

Keep your personal life free and clear from unnecessary entanglements, especially those of the business kind. Wrestling with Sol the intern in the break room without a referee won’t be good for either of your futures.

Stooks Proverb: One man’s meat is another man’s poison…with some exceptions… especially in San Francisco.

CBS: We eat Havana Omelets (definition here)

My parents had an encounter with their neighbors.

The neighbors were shooting birds and squirrels in my parents’ yard.

We talked about awkward encounters with neighbors.

Virgo

Are you so busy worrying about what might (or might not) happen next that you’re forgetting to count all the blessings you already have? The stars are telling you to celebrate. Time to pull out the miniature poker table for some good old fashioned Barbie strip poker.

Capricorn

Some recent shake-ups in your life have made you much more aware of your risk-to-reward ratio. Using your little brother to lure Clay Aiken into a conversation is simply what needs to be done.

Gemini

You know that old saying about a healthy mind in a healthy body? Add ‘home’ to that list while you’re at it. Clean closets, toss rotten food from the fridge, and wash the yogurt out of your bed sheets already.

Libra

Ever hear the saying, ‘follow your bliss’? It’s time to make that your daily affirmation. Just don’t be tempted to modify the saying to ‘follow Miss Bliss.’ She already has a restraining order against you.

Stooks Proverb: Out of sight, out of mind. Except for when it flares back up and starts itching again.

No Internet makes for a solemn Neil Clark Warren

In other show activity…

We call Baron, our tech support guy in hopes of fixing our internet problem.

An old woman calls in to complain about our treatment of Kevin Bacon on today’s show.

Sweedish Schoolboy Hansel goes on a roadtrip.

Scroll down to see my thoughts and some of the stats on guys wearing women’s jeans.

We talked about how difficult it would be for a guy to pull this off.

We heard from a guy who recommended Wrangler’s for a more women-jeans-like experience.

The High Lady’s friend called in about it, but in typical fashion, the High Lady tried to wrestle the conversation away.

We couldn’t find a guy who’s bought women’s jeans, but we did find a girl who wears men’s jeans.

After losing a pair of women’s jeans in his navel, Frank decided to stick with his Levi’s.

In other show activity…

Steve Schnell’s “Keeping Cool for the Summer” Report.

“Who knows what Hasselhoff will say about this? North Korea Edition.”

“Who knows what Hasselhoff will say about this? Hamburglar Edition.“

The High Lady returns to hate on Hasselhoff and thinks he may have something to do with the “men wearing women’s jeans” trend.

Aquarius

Ever noticed you always get chatted up when you’re feeling relaxed? How sexy you are has very little to do with how you look. It’s your resemblance to Sloth from Goonies that’s scaring people away.

Cancer

It’s so easy to get caught up in everyone else’s agenda, but any more of this and you’ll feel like you only have half a life. But, just remember, it’s better than the non-existent life you had when you were unemployed, eating Fruit Loops in your underwear while watching re-runs of Dawson’s Creek on TBS.

Scorpio

Your eccentricities don’t make you unapproachable — in fact, they make you more desirable than you realize. Your quirks and specialized interests and uncontrollable swearing are what make you the life of the party.

Aries

The more you focus on a competitor, the quicker you’ll lose sight of your real goal. It’s time to examine where your real interests lie. It’s time to reenergize your sense of purpose. This time, don’t use the jumper cables and Die Hard battery. You’re still far too sensitive to try that one again.


Stooks Proverb: Curiosity killed the cat. Strategically placing some D-Con will do the trick, too. Or a shotgun. Or grabbing it by its tail and front paw while swinging around, discus-style, before launching it into your neighbors’ pool.

Ever since he wept at the end of American Idol, Hasselhoff has been pressuring me into buying a video capture card for my computer so I can have his array of ridiculous facial expressions to share along with his ridiculous speaking on America’s Got Talent.

Not to mention the new brace he’s wearing around his hand to protect it from further damage from the bathroom incident.

Watching him trying to clap while wearing the brace is a classic experience.

Until recently, no one thought Hoff could develop more than just this facial expression

Check out some tap dancing that had Hoff gazing.

And Hoff saying “Huge Notch” in reference to the tap dancers.

After the “Notch” comment, the band said something back, and Hoff was wagging his tongue like the annoying “Wazzup” guys.

And you should’ve seen how serious Hoff was when he complimented a 14-year-old.

I also wish you could’ve seen Hoff when he was giving some serious advice to a juggler.

And the juggler’s “oh no he didn’t!”

I love Regis’ teases by the way.

“What’ll Hasselhoff have to save about this?!”

Men are wearing women’s jeans.

Apparently, it’s the new “punk-rock thing.”

They like them tight around the legs, and it keeps the jeans from getting tangled in a bike chain or a skateboard…since apparently this is a major problem.

Maybe if a thrasher wore the right size men’s jeans to begin with, we wouldn’t have this problem.

Around your lower buttocks, and hanging around your knees may cause some problems with your boarding skills. And now, they want to go the exact opposite way? They’re switching from having the furthest thing from a wedgie, to both full frontal and crackal wedgies.

But for now, we’ll go with it.

Check out the ridiculous stats in this quote:

Mister Poll, an online survey Web site, has measured the public’s acceptance of the fashion trend. As of Friday, 45 percent of 2,131 male participants admitted they wore women’s jeans, 20 percent answered, “No, but I want to”; 10 percent answered they never would; and the remaining 25 percent wouldn’t sport them in public.

Bullcrap.

45 percent of men wear women’s jeans?

Let’s examine what half of all men would have to go through just to buy a pair of women’s jeans.

You have to walk into the women’s section to find the jeans.

Browsing around the women’s jeans is creepy enough. Making you even creepier is the awkward back and forth glances you flash, trying to make sure no one is catching you being creepy. Making you pure sludge is the fact you’ll have to pick up 10 different pairs to try on, seeing how you aren’t familiar with what “women’s size” you are.

No way.

Wouldn’t do it.

So, Photoshop Adam calls me last night.

“Dude, did you go into Little Apple Bush (Little Apple Market is the correct name) earlier?”

“Yes,” I said.

“You need new wheels.”

So PSA starts hating on my ride. But I don’t care. All I want in a car is to get me from Point A to Point B.

We discussed people’s obsession with not only driving a nice car, but at the same time hating on someone else who doesn’t feel the need to throw cash at “climate control” and other features.

Stock photo of Stooksmobile after bird attack in February

In other show activity…

We’re sick of all the sudden love for Chuck Norris.

So, we did “People cooler than Chuck Norris.”

Capricorn

Doing something right doesn’t just feel good — it feels great. This inspires you to look for more good deeds to perform, and to get others on the same generosity track. Then, one day, maybe we can live in a world without people tying up the check-out line trying to decide between Orange or Wintergreen TicTacs.

Gemini

If you’re having second thoughts, don’t lend out that heirloom vase to your flaky friend who has a hard time walking and chewing gum at the same time. But don’t judge. Not everyone can walk, chew gum, pat their head, and rub their belly at the same time. You’re one step from the circus.

Libra

The stars put the ball in your court, so don’t waste your time suiting up. Come as you are and step up to this opportunity. While the moment may not be perfect, it’s got all the components for success: Rice Crispies, marshmallows and Antiques Road Show.

Pisces

You went out looking for romance and you ended up with a new group of friends. While you may be taken aback at this turn of events, you can’t say you’re displeased. After all, you’ve been looking for a Shannon Doherty-withdrawal support group since she left 90210.

Stooks Proverb: Beauty is only skin-deep. Although, the ladies always had a thing for Skeletor.

Two clips from Sesame Street.

A weird flashpack piece about a band. The guy in the band who keeps talking about some girl sounds like a mix between Tommy Chong and Tony Danza (“Tonny Chongza” as I call him).

Elmo singing the “Wuba wuba wuba woo woo woo (or something similar) Song.”

Finally, a classic clip from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

A fine-print issue allowed a guy who just moved from Israel to legally take control of the property the bar (main setting) is on.

The bar owners go to an attorney, who happens to be of Middle Eastern descent.

His advice, followed by their reaction is one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard.

The High Lady went on an extended rant today.

Curious about chocolate milk?

Here’s “Chocolate Milk Chat with Chip Rimaldi. ” Today’s guest is Benji Homona.

Lactose issues

Leo

Now is a good time to follow someone else’s lead, especially when it comes to your career. A coworker with a strong instinct for business can clear a path and show you what to do — and what not to do. That coworker’s name? Obi Wan Kenobi…the Moroccan guy who cleans the toilets.

Sagittarius

Manifest what you need by identifying your true desires instead of what you think you want. Once you’ve clarified your needs, you can start looking for opportunities to make them happen here and now. And Ramen lasts forever, so you won’t have to go to the store for awhile.

Taurus

It takes almost as much energy to feel insulted as it does to deliver the insult. Exercise those muscles of detachment. Stop exercising your glutes when walking around the office. Everyone knows your flexing.

Virgo

Enough with the nose-to-the-grindstone attitude. Keep working at this pace and you might just rebel. Plan a treat for yourself. Book tickets to a play, go walk in the park or spend the night throwing eggs at your 7^th grade teacher’s house.

Stooks Proverb: All good things come to an end. That’s why we’re stuck with Kathy Griffin.

Chris saw Pirates of the Caribbean last night.

There was a baby in the theater. Amazingly, the baby didn’t cry.

However, not everyone is so lucky. So we talked about the possibility of rules against babies.

This segment has a guy with a brilliant idea: switches for babies.

This one has a woman who won’t put up with it, and a man who will retaliate against any loud baby at the theater.

Never make Twins a child’s first movie

In other show activity…

A final “World Cupdate.”

Blade Velasquez calls in, trying to convince us to play his weird music…we comply.

Aquarius

You pursue this current goal full-throttle, determined to reach success. This tenacious attitude gets you what you want, and then some, whether it’s a promotion at work or a new and vivacious social life. Just don’t go around telling people “my social life is so vivacious these days!” That’ll probably paint an unpleasant picture.

Cancer

Your boss isn’t questioning you because they doubt your ability — on the contrary, they’re amazed at what you’ve been able to accomplish! Give them some insight — but not the whole enchilada…otherwise they’ll blame you for giving them the trots.

Scorpio

Anything good gets even better right now if you’re willing to throw the full weight of your efforts and influence behind it. It’s a wonderful moment to work overtime, volunteer or do someone a favor and finally remove that giant chunk of tarter between your two front teeth.

Aries

The stars throw a few potholes and pitfalls in your way. Revving your engines is a waste of time, especially with the competition: a five-year-old girl on a bike, complete with pink basket.

Stooks Proverb: Old habits die hard. And when they include Whitney Houston, they die even harder.

“We’re in touch…so you be in touch.”

Another “Free for All Friday” today, so get ready for some randomness.

This guy is wasted and spreading the love.

This guy thinks CNN sucks.

Hear about Jennifer Aniston’s downgrade and whether cheerleading is a sport.

Hear about old people driving, people not working and more arguments on Jennifer Aniston’s downgrade and cheerleading as a sport.

Here’s a guy who’s a little altered and confused, as well as a caller complaining about voicemail.

Dirk and Steve hallucinate a dude in plaid

In other show activity…

Sweedish Schoolboy Hansel has sad news about his brother.

TV Expert Tad Flaxbeard’s take on the Emmy’s.

I have to type this thing out every day anyway, so I figured I’d start putting it online, too.

Capricorn

You’ve been frugal and practical long enough. The stars say it’s time to splurge. The stars also say “is it hot in here or is it just me?”

Gemini

Don’t worry about all the contracts, paperwork and superficial entanglements; they’ll work themselves out. Instead, focus on your love life, and that new air pump at Wal-Mart that’ll make sure your lover’s ready when you are.

Libra

The blahs have taken hold of your daily routine. It’s time to shake things up immediately. Stand on your head. Do a summersault. Salt and butter your corn after you’ve digested it. Whatever it takes.

Pisces

The changes you’re making in your life require more education. Don’t give up! You’ll be so glad you added more skills to your repertoire. Everyone will cheer when they see your shadow puppet show of Katie Holmes’ delivery.

Stooks Proverb: Some see the glass as half empty…others as half full…and Russell Crowe sees it as something to throw at his Denny’s waitress for not letting him order the Senior Belgian Waffle Slam®.

DeMone the Demon called in because of today being 07/06/06.

And The Stoner has an interesting plan for tonight’s midnight showing of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest.

“Check out the camel toe on Gary!”

Sorry, that’s all the fresh content you get today.

But we do have some clips we found that we hadn’t put online yet.

Hansel in the Park

“This happened: Pope Edition.”

Parenting Tips