Matt Stooks

Google ads far from perfect

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Google is one of the best companies of all time, but it still has its kinks.

Google’s AdSense program allows blogs and other websites to make money. Google passes along some of the money it makes when visitors click on an ad.

Google brags about its ability to deliver targeted ads to your website. Moreover, Google brags about its ability to deliver its clients’ ads to potential clients through AdWords.

As of this writing, my ad client was pimping Silica Gel, a topic I tackled two days/five posts ago.

Spend ten seconds on my site, and you’ll know there’s a less-than-slight chance my visitors need silica any time soon.

Luckily, Google loses revenue when its ads go unclicked, so this problem shouldn’t go unchecked too long.

For the time being, mentioning “silica” might cost me another two days of silica-targeted ads.

My first picture text

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Text-message rape forced me into joining the text message gestapo about six months ago.

This morning, I awoke to find a picture text message on my phone.

If you didn’t know, my phone is ancient. I think I’ve had it four years.

So, if someone sends me a picture text, I have to enter the website name in the text and then enter a password.

Here’s what I got:

No clue.

MySpace stealing pay-per-clicks?

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I think MySpace might need to be more careful where they post their internal links. One pixel away from a pay-per-click ad might be a little questionable.

Being a reluctant MySpacer myself, I clicked on an ad by mistake the other day. My mad mousing skills added to my worry.

(click for full size)

Pack that box!

Posted on by Matt Stooks

I’m moving the rest of my stuff from Manhattan back to Kansas City this weekend. I’ve done a good job organizing stuff until this box.

There’s a lamp, an imitation Tupperware of imitation flour, a deck of cards, the pump for my fitness ball, some junk mail, a foil baking pan and an unopened Rubik’s Cube.

Writing after hits of silica

Posted on by Matt Stooks

1. The ALL CAPS is okay, because…

  • It grabs the typical silica consumer’s attention.
  • The typical silica consumer hasn’t learned their lowercase.

2. “SILICA GEL” is bigger than “DO NOT EAT” and “THROW AWAY” on the packaging, because…

  • The average silica consumer understands “SILICA GEL,” but not “THROW AWAY” or “DO NOT EAT.”
  • It’s not silica’s fault that some choose to eat it. Silica still provides a valuable service. The name outweighs the warning.

3. “DO NOT EAT” has quotation marks on the packaging, because…

  • If the silica prospect sees the warning in quotes, he will think a ghost is communicating with him, drop the packet, and flee the silica’s vacinity.

Karaoke Housewarming

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Whoa! Mic withdrawal!

This is my first podcast since leaving the show (24:02 – 11 MB).

The first fifteen minutes are on my friend Chris’ housewarming party. MiniDisc + Karaoke = Goodness.

Visual aids:

Key component of the night

Looks like a challenge a la The Unbreakable Comb!

A tame sampling of the evening’s activities

Virgin Lemonade. That’s more like it.

Bonus podcast goodies:

A dorky new way to contribute to the show, some Viewer Voicemail and a plug for HBO’s comedy series Flight of the Conchords. They posted the fourth episode at the website. Check it out. Pretty classic stuff.

Britney fights Paris for headlines

Posted on by Matt Stooks

(12:55) Scoop podcast

Kevin Federline’s holding up his divorce with Britney until she can prove she can handle joint custody. She got the roach a little saturated last time.

TMZ says Britney gave her mom a legal notice to stay away from her kids if she’s on medication that could impair her abilities to be around children. Now, if she could just deliver one to herself.

Britney won’t be performing with Cyndi Lauper. Turns out, Cyndi only lets people who actually sing share the stage with her. And she just found out about Britney lip syncing?

Paris Hilton may sue her lawyer. An “insider” says “The way this case was handled was a disaster. Nobody goes to jail for DUI that long. It was all the lawyer’s fault and we’re looking into what recourse we have.”

MSNBC got a little theatric over having to cover Paris Hilton.

Paris probably doesn’t care too much at this point. She’s in Hawaii. Why didn’t they stop her from travelling? Surely she has more disease strains in her systems than that wannabee tuberculosis guy.

Lindsay Lohan had double the legal limit of alcohol and traces of cocaine in her system when she crashed her car last month. Just traces of coke? Lindsay, you’re losing your touch.

Isaiah Washington says ABC didn’t give him another chance because he was black. If only he’d been gay…

As expected, The Spice Girls announced their reunion tour yesterday. Did you hear that, Boyz II Men?

For more, minus the commentary, check out the Stooks Entertainment Feed.

Paris on Larry King

Posted on by Matt Stooks

(4:39) Scoop podcast

Paris Hilton sat down with Larry King last night, and came off quite nicely. Larry King, on the other hand, came off quite creepy old manish.

Paris has landed herself on the cover of People magazine. It was a tossup between her and Rosie, so they went with the choice that would fit the cover.

Even though she’s toned down her look a little, it looks like Paris plans to remain a makeup face. You never know if her next video will have better lighting.

Us Weekly is going “Paris-free” in anticipation of Paris fatigue.

Paula Abdul is kind of a bitch, especially when it comes to sweat pants. Someone didn’t take their painkillers.

Lindsay Lohan’s dad is trying to get visitation rights for his kids, so he sent out a press release, saying “Lyndsay, Michael, Ali and Cody need stability and both of their parents in their lives. I am anxious to spend time with them and end this cruel, needless separation.” Problem is, he misspelled Lindsay’s name. That’s OK, she has the same problem.

For more, minus the commentary, check out the Stooks Entertainment Feed.

Should you buy an iPhone?

Posted on by Matt Stooks

(3:56 podcast) Wow, I knew a lot of people would want one, but the iPhone hype is getting to be a little much .


“With this little device, I take ownership of your soul. Phenomenal.”

The decision on getting the iPhone is a little easier for our listeners in Manhattan, Junction City and Salina, as AT&T Wireless doesn’t really exist in Kansas west of Topeka.

Let’s say you’re quitting your job on the day of the iPhone release and moving to Kansas City. Should I, er, you, get one?

If you’ve got an extra $500 or $600 you’ve been meaning to spend, and you want it for everything it does except web surfing, it’s a for-sure purchase.

But, the iPhone that comes out Friday relies on Cingular’s old data network, meaning websites will load slowly. They’ll look great when they do, but still.

From the New York Times review:

You have to use AT&T’s ancient EDGE cellular network, which is excruciatingly slow. The New York Times’s home page takes 55 seconds to appear; Amazon.com, 100 seconds; Yahoo. two minutes. You almost ache for a dial-up modem.

I’m waiting for the next version.

Post-Prison Paris

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Scoop podcast (8:57)

WWE wasted no time forwarding text messages from Chris Benoit to his coworkers. Almost all of them simply mention where his physical address was, as if someone should go there and check things out when they didn’t hear from him. Good detective work, WWE! They also want everyone to know that “roid rage” wasn’t a factor.

Finally a free woman, Paris wasted no time getting her hair did. It’s not like she neglected her looks in prison. She bought skin cream, eyebrow pencils, vaseline, an emery board and cotton swabs in prison. A girl’s gotta look good whoring around Cell Block A.

Taco Bell tried to sent a bunch of grub to Paris for her publicized cravings in jail, but it got held up at the front gates of her mansion. When she heard a Taco Supreme was waiting for her at the gates, she figured it was a sex act and said she was trying to change her ways.

Barbara Walters on missing out on the Paris interview: “Look, I’ve done prison interviews before, but people like the Menendez Brothers were really important news stories. This wasn’t. And even though I’d already written my questions, when all that pay-for-play stuff happened, I suddenly felt this was not up to my standard. The whole thing was somehow beneath me.” Thank God we can still count on Barbara to do respectable, hard news features like “The Most Fascinating People.”

PETA says Michael Moore is fat, and could benefit from a vegetarian diet. But how will he threaten people without his trademark gastrointestinal fortitude?

Michael Moore: Managing to make you even more disappointed in the Royals.

Britney Spears assistant had to rush to a salon for some dye remover after Britney got black dye all over her face from trying to dye what little hair she has. Meanwhile, she’s still hitting the club scene pretty hard.

Nicole Richie went shopping for baby books. Ahhhh, she’s trying to read! How cute!

Rosie says “art can’t hurt u,” following criticism of a photo showing her daughter dressed in fatigues with an ammo belt. Then, she said “Twinkies can hurt u,” followed by a demonstration of her Twinkie security system, complete with hand guillotine.

For more, minus the commentary, check out the Stooks Entertainment Feed.

Paris out of her cage

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Scoop Podcast (6:03)

Paris Hilton got out of jail just after midnight this morning. She lost 10 pounds in there, fighting back cravings for Taco Bell and Polish Sausage.

Paris wants to open a halfway house to help other inmates transition to law-abiding lives. The night-vision cameras are already on order.

Lohan plans to continue out-patient treatment when she leaves rehab.

Hanson is asking its fan to banner-up their webpage with Hanson ads. The site with the most click-throughs wins the prize: a custom song from Hanson! Anyone?


Hanson, before they became even bigger losers.

Rosie turned down the Price is Right job because she didn’t want to relocate to LA, and couldn’t pull off her plan of just taping a bunch of episodes a couple times a month. Moments later, First Class airline seats around the world celebrated like Ewoks.

Grey’s Anatomy homophobe Isaiah Washington has been talking to NBC. Maybe he can replace Imus.

WWE’s Chris Benoit was found dead, along with his wife and kid. Police think he killed his wife and kid, then himself. Wow. Don’t become a wrestler. Or marry one.

For more, minus the commentary, check out the Stooks Entertainment Feed.

Paris gives it up to Larry King

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Scoop podcast (7:32)

Britney’s album has been delayed. They’re having a hard time getting her legs to ratchet shut for the album cover.

It looks like those rumors of Today paying Paris $1 million were BS. Larry King managed to snag the interview for Wednesday night. This pretty much confirms her oldest lay to date.

A man dressed as a pirate outside Paris’ jail demanded her release. If it works, I’m sure Paris has special plans for his hook.

Kathy Hilton says Paris is sick of wearing orange. Not hot.

Nicole Richie and her boyfriend bought a diaper bag. Could this confirm a Nicole Richie pregnancy? Or does she simply wear baby-sized diapers?

“Elliott…”

Nicole was also spotted entering a medical building with mainly OB/GYN and an opiate treatment program. Wow, what a one-stop shop!

Eddie Murphy is indeed the Scary Spice baby daddy.

Scary better be working her pregnancy weight off, because the Spice Girls look to announce reunion plans this Thursday.

Idol: The Musical starts its off-Broadway run next week. The musical is based on Clay Aiken worship.

For more, minus the commentary, check out the Stooks Entertainment Feed.

Stampede roundup

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Stampede podcast (5:53)

I went to Country Stampede Friday night, and somehow didn’t see nearly as much trash as in years past. The hottest girl there had a questionable job. Another patron took advantage of some artistic manscaping.

I was even peer pressured into chugging a beer for the first time in years. I didn’t really expect a beer vendor to be the person to bring me back into chugging.


“This manscape situation calls for a chainsaw.”

Who’s Paris whoring out to?

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Scoop podcast (6:29)

The New York Post says The Today Show is paying Paris Hilton $1 million for her first post-jail interview. Paris says that’s not true. She can make that kind of cash working the back lot of whatever show she prefers.

Pauly Shore showed TMZ.com around his property, trying to disprove Wes Craven’s claims that water runoff from Pauly’s property wrecked his yard. It looks like Wes is full of it. It looks like Pauly is good with money management to even live in that neighborhood in the first place.

Scott Baio is world-famous for the way he tosses his massive goods to numerous women. Add a fling with Liza Minnelli from years ago to the list. Gross.


If you experience an erection longer than four hours, consult this picture.

Bob Barker says back off, he didn’t endorse Rosie as the next Price Is Right host. He simply said she could be a good fit. Not for his old desk chair, for hosting duties.

David Hasselhoff wants an apology from “The Sun” for saying he was drunk off his ass the night he won custody of his kids. If he doesn’t get an apology, he’ll sue. If he loses the lawsuit, he will get drunk, shirtless, and eat a hamburger on the tabloid’s office bathroom floor.

Isaiah Washington says he’s out to clear his name, and find the real homophobe from Grey’s Anatomy.

Verne Troyer gave Paul Pierce a lesson in tact, telling Paul his name is “Verne,” not “Mini-Me.” Nice try, Mini-Me. You’re not fooling me.

Justin Timberlake wore Capri pants to T.G.I. Friday’s.

For more, minus the commentary, check out the Stooks Entertainment Feed.

Why your car got it

Posted on by Matt Stooks

What did Jeri Anne do to deserve getting her car messed with? (15:47)

Someone stole the dealer-provide front license faceplate, and her bumper got dorked with, too.

When you buy a Taurus, I mean, Escort, you’re just begging for it, aren’t you?


Innocent, affordable, family transportation? Or the twinkle in every pimp’s eye?

We heard about car chalking, change theft, vigilante justice, and even got a few conspiracy theories.

The Price Is Wrong, bitch

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Scoop podcast (7:46)

Rosie might have too many demands to get The Price Is Right job. She lives in New York. The show tapes in L.A. One rumor has Rosie saying she’ll shoot a month’s worth of shows over a four day period every 30 days. It coincides with her monthly, four-day coleslaw binges.

Brad Pitt’s family says there’s nothing wrong with staying close to Jennifer Aniston. Well, nothing wrong except having her picture on the ceiling of every bedroom in the house.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck says she is no longer friends with Rosie. Rosie upset Elisabeth with one of her video blogs. Don’t take it personally, Lizzie. We all find her videos a little upsetting.

Paris’ jail called her manager to come pick up four crates of fan mail. I don’t even want to know how Paris’ fans seal their letters.

Sanjaya says the rumors of his sister posing nude are false. She’s too wholesome for all that. However, the countdown to Sanjy’s inevitable spread in Playboy continues.


Sanjaya’s “You’re telling me I blow, but you can’t shatter my happiness” face

Wes Craven “suffered and will continue to suffer severe emotional distress and anxiety” at the hands of his neighbor, Pauly Shore. Wes says Pauly’s bad lawn maintenance flooded his own lawn. And that’s on top of horrifying “weasel” dreams for the past 11 years.

John Travolta gets to cross dress for Hairspray. He’s comfortable in the role, thanks to years of dress-up with Tom Cruise.

Paula Abdul hugged some kids outside her birthday party. No word on how many bottles of Vicodin the youngsters pick-pocketed.

For more, minus the commentary, check out the Stooks Entertainment Feed.

Katie Holmes pregnant again?

Posted on by Matt Stooks

Scoop podcast (9:14)

Paris is reading “The Secret” in jail. I smell an Oprah “Girlfriend, what were you thinking?” exchange on the horizon.

Nicole Richie’s taking her DUI case to trial July 11th. Does she stand a chance at beating the rap? Or is it a simple matter of the courthouse having toilets that just beg to be puked in?

“Come on, Nicole. You know you want some of this.”

Lindsay Lohan found Jesus. If you’re high enough, you can see him on the same piece of toast.

Britney’s back to drinking. Let’s just hope things don’t get too unkempt this time around.

TMZ.com grabbed themselves a copy of O.J.’s “If I Did It” manuscript. The karate scene is my favorite part. O.J. sure can weave quite the tale.

Rosie O’Donnell wants The Price Is Right job. She’s meeting with CBS this week. First, she’s gotta film another creepy video for her website.

John Travolta says prescription drugs are responsible for school shootings. Wow, I always figured Flintstone’s Vitamins would be the first pills to animate and take up arms.

Larry Birkhead and Howard K. have joined forces over Anna Nicole’s estate. Hey, there’s enough to go around for everybody.

Leave it to Hillary Clinton to come up with the BEST SOPRANOS PARODY OF ALL TIME!!!

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