Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
The stars commend you for staying grounded and patient. Is it any wonder that your outward circumstances now match your inner attitude? Unfortunately, the carpet still doesn’t match the curtains.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Is the charm of this person or situation going to wear off in a few days? Yes, but their B.O. won’t. Smells like Goodcents.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Let your intuition guide you when it comes to expressing yourself — right now you’re so attuned with the greater forces that it’s almost uncanny. Show off that inner glow by going out for a night on the town. Don’t puke on your best friend’s cell phone this time. Speakerphone still doesn’t work right.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your warrior spirit is called to action, but in an unusual way. Only you could be so brave in the face of full body lice infestation.
Stooks Proverb: It takes two to tango, which isn’t as easy to remember as the number of people for a threesome.
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Posted 02 March 2007
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Posted 01 March 2007
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Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
The first step to dealing with your current mood is to acknowledge that it’s there instead of ignoring it. Shake off that funk. Or, at least do us all a favor, and Febreeze it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
You just love playing devil’s advocate, and you’re great at it. You know how to make people say ‘I never thought of it that way!’ Make sure everyone knows you’re kidding so no feelings get hurt. You just can’t be too careful with Pope jokes these days.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Though you may not realize it now, you’re on the verge of changing your life. You might find more in common with another culture than you think. However, the homeless sleeping under blankets of Little Caesars boxes doesn’t justify you doing the same on your leather couch.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This seems to be another situation your outsized expectations have created. If you’re feeling more fizzle than sizzle, it’ time to reevaluate the prospects you have. Luckily there are only two, and they both pick up their Welfare checks at the same time.
Stooks Proverb: Great minds think alike. Bad minds think like the guy who played the non-Paul-Reiser dad on My Two Dads.
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Posted 01 March 2007
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Posted 28 February 2007
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Leo (July 23 – August 22)
That means keeping it simple, silly. Cut all the unnecessary trim and you’ll find the absolute essence of success. Your wildest dreams come true, especially when you stick close to the original source: the tailpipe on an ’88 Cutlass.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You don’t want to get swept away by passion — or do you? Actually, that doesn’t sound half bad right now. So just put yourself in the path of something that makes you extremely excited and brace yourself. A rolling Louie Anderson can pack quite the punch.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Someone’s feeling awfully sexy, frisky, funny and lovely. Why, that person just might be you! And no wonder — you’re living proof that there’s truth in advertising: sexual harassment does exist in the workplace.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Usually you excel at examining the nitty-gritty, but the stars give you the gift of being able to see the big picture and the small details that make up the whole. No one can paper mache quite like you.
Stooks Proverb: Practice makes perfect. But beware: being too perfect might draw comparisons to your 7th grade class mate, Skinflute Sally.
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Posted 28 February 2007
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Antonella Barba, the reigning “Miss Nevada” of American Idol, seems to taking the bad press pretty hard. Her best friend, eliminated earlier in the competition, says “She’s the least slutty person I know.” I’m hoping she has some photographic evidence to back up that statement. Upload it. Then, we’ll see.
Howard K. Stern might be a dirty bastard.
Where were you when you found out Anna Nicole died? Larry Birkhead was at the dentist.
Britney Spears’ post-partum depression may the reason why Brit medicates with cocaine and ecstasy. Where’s Tom Cruise?
Paris Hilton had an underpublicized breakup with her pet kinkajou, Baby Luv. The monkey-dog bit her too much. The government was likely behind the breakup, as they didn’t want Baby Luv to contract Paris’ diseases and spread them to innocent animals.
“Just a little chemical testing, that’s all.”
Eddie Murphy got pissed and walked out of the Oscars when he didn’t win. Good.
Bobby Brown is in jail, and can’t get out until he pays $20 thousand in back child support. He doesn’t have that much, which some would find amusing.
Lindsay Lohan’s looking good.
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Posted 27 February 2007
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Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Thinking about others is almost always second nature to you, but right now a little voice is saying, ‘But what about me, me, me?’ Go ahead and give yourself some extra loving attention and kindness too. Just don’t do it in your neighbors bushes this time.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
It’s time for you to get the word out. You’ve got what it takes — compassion, enthusiasm and ability — to mobilize large groups for the greater good. Unfortunately, no one owns a car in your new hippie existence.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Future plans will have a rock-solid foundation if you make an extra-special effort to pay attention to what’s going on in the moment. Stay grounded in the present and you can take the next best step. Stash your pornography in your grandma’s basement so you won’t get distracted.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Sometimes you feel so strongly for a cause that it can be overwhelming. This strength of emotion is actually your ally once you learn to harness it correctly. Take some time every day for meditation, deep breathing and Boy Meets World reruns.
Stooks Proverb: Love is blind. So is Stevie Wonder.
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Posted 27 February 2007
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Posted 26 February 2007
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Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Figure out what you want, because there’s a good chance that you’ll get it. Who would’ve thought that a greeter collapsing at Wal-Mart would cause the perfect distraction for stealing condoms.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
So things look a certain way, but does that necessarily reflect the entire truth of the situation? Have you learned nothing from Magic Eye?
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’re a genius when it comes to social arrangements. Your secret? Yahtzee.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Brush up on your listening skills, because the universe has a message: brush up on your teeth-brushing skills. You could feed a small Indonesian village with what’s buried in your gums.
Stooks Proverb: Take a hair of the dog that bit you. If you were Mel Gibson, you’d have a full fur coat by now.
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Posted 26 February 2007
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Posted 25 February 2007
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Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Someone wants to tell you something, but you’re on sensory overload. If you can find a rhythm with all your multitasking, you’ll be able to hear what they have to tell you. If that doesn’t work, it might be time for Miracle Ear.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Are you ready to do the right thing? If you have the courage of your convictions, your gamble may pay off in more ways than you can imagine: free drinks and a comp room if you lose enough.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Sweating out your frustrations isn’t just good for your body, it’s great for your heart and soul too. Unfortunately, your pungent odor, combined with your hatred of showers may cost you your next job opportunity.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
It’s so sweet when everything just falls right into place. Your hard work pays off, and your sparkling, effortless charm speaks to all the right people. Go ahead and pat yourself on the back — you deserve it. Can’t get your hand to reach your back? You probably don’t deserve the pat, after all.
Stooks Proverb: Don’t judge a book by its cover, but by its flammability. You’ll need it for your Emergency S’more Kit.
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Posted 23 February 2007
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Posted 22 February 2007
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Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You? Making an argument for the tried-and-true? What the heck is going on? There’s nothing more innovative than embracing tradition, especially when it works. And wearing a Hasselhoff wig while sifting through your archive of “Knight Rider” and “Baywatch” tapes couldn’t work any better.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
When you push too hard to make something happen, it never turns out exactly the way you think it would. Try Ex-Lax or an order of Pintos and Cheese instead.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Loyalty is always a big concern with you. You know exactly what you’d do for a loved one, but suddenly you’re not sure about their agenda. Is Yoga at 6 or 6:30? Or was it Pilates. Damn. Either way, you’re pretty sure the one you swoon for has a thing for their instructor, Cilantro.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Hang on tight to that idea. It’s good, so don’t let anyone else tell you differently. It’s just its time hasn’t quite arrived yet. But one day, people will praise your groundbreaking work on Ziplock for Human Heads.
Stooks Proverb: Throw enough dirt, and some will stick. Throw enough dirt at a buttered-up Louie Anderson, and most will stick.
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Posted 22 February 2007
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Britney is out of a one-day rehab stint again, and even tried to get another tattoo on her way home. I’m telling you, those eyebrows are coming off.
It looks like Kevin Federline may be behind Britney’s rehab and baldness, after all. Several sources say he threatened to get a hair sample to prove exactly what’s been flowing through her veins.
Britney haters, pushed over the edge by her bald head, have been flooding the child services hotline in California.
It’s not clear why, but Britney Spears has hired Mel Gibson’s lawyer. I smell a drunken, anti-Semitic tirade coming.
It looks like Michael Jackson may seriously be considering a permanent freakshow in Vegas, asking Prince for some pointers.
Tom Brady’s current supermodel girlfriend isn’t letting his pregnant ex get him down. TMZ says she still wants to get married, and so does Tom.
Lindsay Lohan was spotted leaving a hotel with Steve-O. Maybe he’s helping her with her substance problems?
Rosie O’Donnell couldn’t crack a natural smile if her life depended on it:
Daniel Baldwin says he’s innocent, and the fact that he’s currently driving the alleged stolen car proves it. He then went off on how much he pays in taxes. I didn’t know he made any money to be taxed, or had any money to pay any taxes.
Heather Mills will be on Dancing with the Stars when it starts back up in March. That’s just cruel.
Ruben Studdard is telling kids to stay fit and not end up like him. He’s lost 100 pounds, but he still has traces of Justin Guarini in his lower intestine.
J. Lo will perform on the April 11th American Idol. I guess they’re sick of record-high ratings.
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Posted 21 February 2007
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Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Life’s too short to pretend, unless you’re pretending to be Superman. That’s fun.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Are you paying attention? Some good news has landed in your lap. Make sure you tip when she’s done.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
The temptation to label things as good or bad is strong, but stop yourself from jumping to conclusions. Something you think is terrible could turn out to be beneficial. Hint: it’s not the series finale of Seinfeld. It sucked.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
There’s nothing as satisfying as making a house of cards and then knocking it over and starting with a fresh deck. Okay, there’s one thing more satisfying: an afternoon with Dennis Franz.
Stooks Proverb: Beggars can’t be choosers. Unless they’ve got discards from both Original and Extra Tasty Crispy buckets of KFC.
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Posted 21 February 2007
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Posted 20 February 2007
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Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You’re at the center of it all, especially when you take the first step. You’re surprised to see how many people respond to your actions, but you shouldn’t be. You can clear the room thanks to the Chicken-Fried Steak and Eggs after a hangover breakfast at the Village Inn.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Sometimes you don’t understand how or where these impulses pop up in your life. If you’re tired of thoughtless and repeated actions, it’s time to look for the divine lesson behind them. Don’t worry. “Oral fixation” isn’t as bad as it sounds.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Sometimes you wonder why others feel the need to go to extremes. Now you have the answer. Some strong cosmic impulses are pushing you to your limits, and to your surprise, you love it. Enjoy this energy. Once you crash, you’ll never be able to watch Power Rangers DinoThunder again.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
What attracts you? What makes you involved, active and happy? Exploring possible answers helps you design your own fate. So figure out what you want your future to look like and then point yourself in that direction. Or find the elderly woman with the “How may I help you?” vest.
Stooks Proverb: You only live once. And if you’re Bob Barker, you never die.
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Posted 20 February 2007
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Britney Spears lied to a photographer before she got her haircut. He told her he liked her new brown hair. She said “Thanks, I think I’m going to keep it this way.”
OMFG! Separated at birth:
Britney’s wearing a blonde wig to cover up her baldness. I can’t even tell it’s a wig!
“I got it at Spencer’s Gifts!”
Britney’s mom is on a mission to get Britney back on track. I’m guessing a call to Federline should do the trick.
Rosie has a haiku invitation for Britney to come live with her family. Shaving your head will only get the lesbians more riled up for you, Brit.
Paris Hilton’s taking some flack for red blotches on her chest and a sloppy makeup job over the weekend. She does still have hair, though.
Bridget Moynahan says Tom Brady is the baby daddy of her unborn child.
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Posted 19 February 2007
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Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Knowing what you want is an important first step, but keep reminding yourself that in order to get this off the ground, there are many steps along the way. Start with changing your diaper.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
You want to get this party started — you think. It’s hard to decide, really. If you need company, why not have a low-key get-together at your house or a neighborhood coffee shop? The company of friends will lift your spirits. The tenth cup of cappuccino will dislodge that half chimichanga in your lower intestine from six months ago.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Getting the life you deserve is actually a straightforward process. Step 1: Get your Welfare check. Step 2: Cash it. Step 3: Buy Lottery tickets.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
When it comes to your aspirations, you need to dream bigger. When it comes to material goods, it’s the opposite situation. Sometimes you have to trade in those dreams of a little red Corvette for a little red whatever-the-hell Screech is driving these days. Probably an El Camino with the flatbed filled with Ex Lax.
Stooks Proverb: Laughter is the best medicine? Screw that. Robitussin is.
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Posted 19 February 2007
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Posted 18 February 2007
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