“Family Ties” is a classic sitcom. MSNBC used the name “Family Ties” for a special on “a bitter custody battle,” and utterly ruined my night after raising my hopes. If it weren’t for Chris Matthews and Tim Russert, I’d be watching Fox News for this disgrace. While we’re on the topic, Tina Yothers thinks she…
Dear Scott Pelley, You need to slow down. You’re kicking so much ass, it seems Morley Safer has completely given up. Even the senile Andy Rooney‘s confidence dwindles in your presence. Every once in awhile, Bob Simon creeps up on you with a couple of hard-hitting stories, only to have you respond by reporting from…
I have a certain notorious Douglas County strip club as a friend on MySpace. I received the following bulletin and put my favorite parts in bold: To everyone who works at the Outhouse, Amber-Zilla runs this promotional page for this club. As the promoter I feel it is necessary to delete this website as it…
I didn’t stay up late, I didn’t sleep in, and I ended up pissing away the only benefits of this whole time-change nonsense. When we lose an hour in the Fall, I know it’s going to end up being one of those days when I need a 24-hour day. The time-change benefits me in one…
Yellow Jumpsuit April had the best breasts and always showed off the most cleave. Her voice was the most annoying and rarely matched the animation. Lower left April never did much for me at all. Lower right April didn’t have red hair and disappeared way to early in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret…
I’m so proud of Christopher Burke for his Attorney General nomination. Which mortician is doing Laura Bush’s makeup? Oops, forgot the bite marks.
Some friends and I were talking about what a technological marvel the original Nintendo Zapper was. How’d they do that? The Wikipedia explanation hurts my brain. When the trigger was pulled, the game blanked out the screen with a black background for one frame, then, for one additional frame, drew a solid white rectangle around…
I changed the header of this website today. I think it’s fun. Especially since you can stare at the “Matt Stooks.com” part and it kinda messes with your head, thanks to it’s quasi-three-dimensionality. You see that!? How the subhead totally plays off the header? I kick ass.
Every once in awhile, I run across a posting on craigslist that makes me wonder if the poster is looking for someone to murder. Like this one: ladies with hairy armpits/or legs?Reply to: gigs-466758357@craigslist.orgDate: 2007-11-02, 9:39AM CDT I am looking for female models 18-50 with hairy armpits and legs natural
Check out this headline from a discovermagazine.com story and the accompanying picture: This man wants to control the Internet. And you should let him. With this headline and photo, Discover is basically saying “Yeah, we know he looks like a complete douche, but what he has to say makes sense. Maybe you should listen.” Nice…
I’m watching the KU-Pitt State basketball game. The broadcast has already horrified me twice, only 30 minutes into the game. First off, Sasha Kaun is sporting a giant pubic mass on his head. I hope to God he doesn’t keep growing this thing out. It already looks much more pubic than the picture below. UPDATE:…
I ate some Totino’s Party Pizza last weekend. It was the first time I’ve noshed on Totino’s in forever. My timing always blows, as indicated in this news: Almost five million Totino’s and Jeno’s frozen pizzas with pepperoni toppings are being recalled because the pepperoni may be contaminated with E. coli. What did I do…
Dog the Bounty Hunter is in trouble for saying the N-word six times during a phone conversation with his son. Here you go. Beware: he says the N-word a whole lot. There’s something extra hilarious about this latest N-word fiasco. Dog wasn’t going around saying “N-word this and N-Word that and goddamn N-words!” Nothing like…
Waterboarding is getting a lot of press lately. Waterboarding (aka “water boarding”) is the practice of immobilizing an individual on his or her back, with the head inclined downward, and pouring water over the face to force the inhalation of water and induce the sensation of drowning. How could something so horrifying have such a…
I’ve always thought way too many voters make their choices on team mentality. When George W. Bush ran against John Kerry, many people cited the “beer test” for where their vote would go. Who would be more fun to have a beer with? That’s who you would vote for. Almost as bad, is this weird…
If you haven’t put a Halloween costume together, Robert Goulet just handed you the perfect costume on a platter. You see, when Goulet was in a hospital waiting for a lung transplant, he didn’t really give you much to work with. What’re you going to do? Dress up like Goulet in a hospital gown? Boring.…
1. Are you too old to trick or treat? You usually reach an age where you become “too cool” for Halloween. This typically occurs around the age of 13. A couple of years pass. You turn 16 and realize the value of free candy. It’s at this point that you must decide whether free candy…
The New York Times is trying to give credit to “Grey’s Anatomy” for inventing the word “vajayjay.” It began on Feb. 12, 2006, when viewers of the ABC series “Grey’s Anatomy” heard the character Miranda Bailey, a pregnant doctor who had gone into labor, admonish a male intern, “Stop looking at my vajayjay.” I can’t…
From craigslist: Write porn reviews, get free dvds and get rewarded Seeking adult dvd reviewers in exchange for free DVDs and/or free access to online videos. Uh, so what are the requirements for this position? I’m sure not just any man can come off the street and do such a job. I can’t say I’ve…
Since most of us are too dumb and/or lazy to figure it out ourselves, several websites let you enter your stance on different political topics, and spit out a list ranking the presidential candidates. That’s assuming you know what ANWR Drilling, Kyoto and Net Neutrality mean. Check it out here. It’s non-partisan and the code…
Okay, I ended up costumeless for last night’s Halloween party. It was a little awkward at first, but a dozen Miller High Life Lite’s seemed to improve the situation. I relied heavily on the beard. If people asked, I told them I was Al from Home Improvement. They then chastised me for not wearing a…
Lipitor has a commercial based on an endorsement from Richard Jarvik, inventor of the artificial heart. But wouldn’t you say the inventor of the artificial heart would want people’s hearts to fail so he can put a baboon heart in them? And, I’ve yet to meet a single person with an artificial heart. It’s hardly…
She didn’t serve us, but we had the pleasure of checking out quite the waitress at Chelley’s Mexican Restaurant last night. Then, someone pointed out that they thought she was likely too young. Then, there were the braces. So yeah, she was probably a bit too young. But Jon insisted that if a woman looks…
I’m screwed. I need a costume for tonight, and I have no clue what to do. Children’s costumes usually fit me to comedic effect, but I’m thinking that’s a little played out. I have a beard now, so I’ve been trying to think of ways to brainstorm off that, but all I’m coming up with…
Boyz II Men shocked the world when they sang “God Bless America” during the seventh-inning stretch. How did Boston land that act? Seriously, though, what’s with all the gratuitous America loving? The Star Spangled Banner is more than enough. Here’s a compromise: hand out American flag lapel pins to the first 15,000 fans, and don’t…
Have you seen the new iPhone ads with the douches talking about why they needed an iPhone? One particular ad annoys the hell out of me. The guy talks about how he had to carry a bag around to hold all of his electronic devices. Yes, I’ve done the same, but this guy’s reasoning is…
(2:06 podcast) A phone response from my post on the DMV. If you ever see a topic you’d like to call on, just look to see if “I’m Online” is lit up on the right side of the home page, and we’ll talk it out. If I’m not online, feel free to leave a voicemail.…
Keanu Reeves has me concerned about global warming. But Bonnie Raitt is telling me nuclear power, a key way to fight gloabal warming, is no good. My head’s going to explode from the inner conflict! Keanu? Raitt? Who will win the battle for my mind? BTW, I hate to say it, but I really think…
From Newsweek Ms. Hilton Gets Serious. Please Stop Laughing. Rich girl. Party animal. Jailbird. America’s No. 1 heir-head wants to get out of the bimbo business. And here’s Paris’ “You can’t see it, but my legs aren’t wide open in this pose” pose. “Can I move now? My crabs are itchy.” She’s shooting a movie…
I went to Old Chicago for a couple of drinks tonight. I got busted in a “Do I know her?” stare. We were sitting at the bar, and a red head moved into my peripheral vision. I glanced over, and thought I might know her. So I kept staring, even narrowing my eyes to tighten…