Leo Be willing to learn and take a chance at whatever opportunity comes your way. Encounters with new cultures open your eyes to numerous possibilities. Fortune cookies taste good, too! Sagittarius Simple coincidence? The stars say no way! They also say “man, I’m really gassy.” Taurus Reenergize your sense of connection to the world. See…
Get ready to see Screech perform the Dirty Sanchez and experiment with other bodily fluids. I’m not joking. There’s a 40 minute sex tape, “Saved by the Smell” (still not kidding). Someone actually owns the rights to what sounds like a really filthy video, and is looking for a distributor. “You probably thought you’d see…
So, there was a potential creep going around Aggieville this weekend with a digital camera. I witnessed him approach a group of girls at O’Malley’s with his camera, say “You’re gorgeous. Can I take a picture with you?” We discussed. Segment 1 – “Lookin’ for skin” (1:42).Segment 2 – “I know what he’s doing with…
AquariusRevelations are just around the corner, ranging from the small to the large. Brace yourself, because big news about your favorite brand of rock tumbler will change your worldview forever. CancerYou’re so generous that you try to respond to people’s requests — even if they’re not quite sure what they want. Smile and nod as…
Michael Jackson and Debbie Rowe are close to a custody agreement over their children. Their agreement? To make sure their kids have the most frightening existence of all time. Paris Hilton has been officially charged for DUI. Now, back to whorin’. Corey Haim and Corey Feldman are getting back together for a show on A&E.…
We talked about one of the most divisive issues facing America: the moped. Segment 1 – Harley Envy (1:55).Segment 2 – Moped driver…and proud of it (1:37)Segment 3 – Salina’s “Old People on Mopeds” problem (2:09). “What?” In other show activity… “Someone stole my gnome!!!” (2:25) “Spinach Roulette” (3:19).
Capricorn You shoot from the hip and speak from the heart, but it may be time to suspend talks, as the person you’re talking to speaks from the gastrointestinal tract. Gemini Evaluate your surroundings. Are you where you’re supposed to be? Okay, but you’ve been lurking around the bras in Walmart for 40 minutes now.…
Mel Gibson is speaking out against the war in Iraq. Not enough Jews being inconvenienced. “Idiots! That country has hardly any Jews!” It’s official: there will be a Federline-Britney duet, “Crazy,” on Kevin’s new CD. The CD, out on Halloween, is called “Playing with Fire.” I’m still praying for Paris Hilton to write an autobiographical…
Pretty odd topic today. 10:30 Friday night, Chris’ dad received a message from some guy who goes on to sing for a minute and a half to “Lisa.” He even drops the phrase “I want you to be me wife.” We discussed whether Chris’ dad needs to call the dude back and tell him his…
Leo You’ve got someone under your skin — and frankly, it’s pretty irritating. Having a full grown person protruding as a goiter out of the side of your neck can be quite uncomfortable. Sagittarius Being irresistible isn’t exactly a foreign concept for you, but the stars give your magnetism extra heft these days. People fall…
Rumors are back that Julia Roberts will try to have twins again soon. The best thing about it? It gives us an opportunity to show you Chris’ Julia Roberts impersonation: Mel Gibson wore a mask and wig so reporters wouldn’t see him arrive to a screening of his new movie, Apocalypto. Can you say “Rabbi…
This caller hates “Game Day” traffic (2:37). Cheap gas and broken feet (4:58). Teen drivers, bad gay guy impression, the High Lady on the Japanese getting back at us for dropping the bomb (5:11). “I have to have video games so I don’t blow up real people” and “Ladies keeping their ‘junk’ to themselves” (3:00).…
Aquarius You know that saying about spending money to make money? You’ll soon find an opportunity to bring in more cash, though expenses will increase. Although, it doesn’t cost much to get a homeless guy to hand out your “Three weeks to better body hair grooming” guide. Cancer It may be time to reset your…
Michael Jackson wants to open a Leprechaun theme park in Ireland. Once he fools someone into giving him money, I’m sure that will be quite the creepy adventure. Five Star Vintage clothing has re-signed Kevin Federline to be the “Face of Five Star!” Isn’t that a little shocking? They chose him because of his “renegade…
This “Dear Abby” inspired us to talk about the Dirty Old Man. Segment 1 – Sex at the nursing home (2:26). Segment 2 – We’re not too old to “boff” (2:16). Segment 3 – Old man teeth (4:03). Segment 4 – Old man at the bar shows off his gums (2:28). “Feel like vomiting in…
Capricorn Stop fretting — that news you’ve been waiting for is on the way, and it’s spectacular: that kid from the zoom, zoom commercial has been abducted by a Michael Jackson associate. Gemini The universe has a funny way of delivering gifts in the most unexpected wrapping paper: a flaming brown paper bag. And the…
Whitney didn’t mean it! The new rumor is: Bobby cheated on Whitney. Whitney put up with it. Whitney’s friends said she’s letting Bobby make a fool of her. Whitney thinks threatening divorce will win him back. Bobby says “see ya.” “Crack is fun!” From the same article: Joe Simpson, Jessica’s dad, takes photos of his…
Studio 60 debuted Monday night. Good show. I highly recommend. However, the show fell back on a Kansas joke implying we’re a state full of hicks and dumbasses. We asked “Why does Hollywood hate Kansas so much?” Segment 1 – “I’m from Cali. Blah, blah, blah.” (5:01) Segment 2 – Kirstie and Don Johnson are…
Leo Think about how your actions affect you and others, from small gestures to large ones. It’s time to move beyond middle finger to something more along the lines of flaming bag of dog doo. Sagittarius A winning attitude can go a long way toward ensuring a degree of success, especially when it comes to…
Lindsay Lohan may be moving to England. That seems about right to me. Lohan’s ex, Aaron Carter, just got engaged to a Playboy Playmate. If you didn’t know, Aaron’s been blamed for a feud between Lohan and Hillary Duff. He dated both. Now that Paramount has dumped Tom Cruise, rumors spread about Brad Pitt as…
A task force is thinking about pushing for a law against unattentive drivers. Segment 1 – A guy is annoyed at 2am by an old man driving while on his cell phone (3:57). Segment 2 – A woman thinks the old man on a cell at 2am is her dad (3:55). Segment 3 – A…
During today’s show, I expressed astonishment that I couldn’t find a picture of Willie Nelson with a doobie in hand or even just exhaling smoke to go along with the story about him getting busted for pot. Congratulations to Tom, who found one for us. “Willie Nelson Smoke” was the key phrase for Google to…
Aquarius Get savvy about your finances. A few canny moves on your part could push you into an entirely new tax bracket: the one just above M.C. Hammer. Cancer It’s likely that boredom and restlessness will kick in today, but you can do something to ease the day. Break up the humdrum routine of work…
A bad couple days for Lindsay Lohan. First, she had a fight with her mom at a restaurant on her mom’s birthday. Her mom, Dina, had already been throwing back Cristal before Lindsay showed up. Lindsay was pissed at her mom, told her to “go to hell” and stormed out of the restaurant. Dina started…
Way too many people think they can forward a message and suddenly find out who’s stalking them on MySpace. MySpace Tracker Works! Body: Find out who’s visiting your profile, displays picture, location, how long the person stayed and other data. Displays records of anyone visiting your profile. It can display pictures on your profile of…
Capricorn Scrap the idea of being perfect and focus on having more fun. But remember: safety first when towing a shopping cart behind an ’87 S-10. Gemini Spontaneous invitations and chance meetings are plentiful. The stars encourage you to say yes to as many as possible. The stars encourage you to say no to sexually…
Tom Cruise and Katie Homes’ rep says they’ll get married in the next three to six weeks. Just in time for the big day, Tom has finally won Katie’s grandma’s approval. Britney Spears named her new son Sutton Pierce. A bodyguard who applied to work for Brangelina has been arrested for impersonating a Homeland Security…
This guy’s mouth is full. (2:51) One of our listeners is going to Hollywood! (2:50) This guy has seen the Klan around JC. (1:27) “Willem Defoe cut my hair.” (1:36) Flaming homes on the highway/How’d you get into school? (3:56) The Walmart cigarette line. (2:59) Speaking of Walmart… (2:20) “Oh no! It’s Hillazilla!!!”
Leo Your natural state is zoom, zoom, zoom, but focus on each and every step, or things could go boom, boom, boom. I thought boom, boom, boom was a good thing. Sagittarius Someone in your life is intent on losing their head, but you remain calm. Guillotines are far too expensive for one person and…
Whoops, I think I’m a little late on Jennifer Aniston topping the People’s best-dressed list. Halle Berry and Jessica Alba were #2 and #3, respectively. It’s about time someone’s figured out Rachel Bilson is ten times more impressive than Mischa Barton. It looks like she’s been cast as the next Wonder Woman. She also says…